Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
This is the fourth rewrite of a myTake that I wrote a few years ago. I hope it helps you see things from a different perspective. This take is addressed to heterosexual singles who have or will engage in premarital sex while looking for The One.
There are three primary reasons why people have sex: babies, fun, and love. I am assuming that most single people are not having sex for the stated purpose of creating a new life; if you are, stop it! Babies deserve to have both a mother and a father actively involved in their lives, living in the same house, being a family, etc., but . . . that is another topic.
Most single sex is for either fun or love. Sex for fun is that wildly uninhibited romp that leaves the sheets on the floor and it leaves the neighbors either feeling jealous or wondering whether someone was tortured or worse. If both partners agree that they simply want a good time and some relief to their sexual tension, sex for fun can feel wonderful. If a couple is casually dating and specifically not looking for a long term relationship, sex for fun is . . . fun!
As you get older, you are more likely to be dating for the purpose of finding a partner for a long-term relationship. Most people will engage in sex with their partner before they get married. Is that a good idea? That, also, is another topic. I am writing for those people who are not waiting for marriage, and I think that covers the vast majority of people dating to find a long term partner.
When it becomes reasonably clear that you really, really like her and she really, really likes you . . . even then, most guys want to have sex sooner than most girls want it. We want it now, and you don't!
Women think that, if a guy wants sex before she does, he is probably just looking to put another notch in his bedpost and he is not serious about a relationship. Before you judge him for wanting sex now, consider this fundamental truth: men and women are different (hallelujah!)
When a guy in a serious dating relationship wants to have sex, it doesn't mean that that he is really just looking for a fuck buddy. Men are notorious for not verbalizing their feelings in these matters, but that doesn't mean that we don't have feelings!
THINGS ABOUT THE MALE PERSPECTIVE THAT MANY WOMEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND (or they know but ignore)
1. When a guy is in a relationship, he knows that having sex with his partner means that she trusts him. Most men WANT to be trusted.
2. Sex gives us an opportunity to prove that we are not just another selfish guy. Give us a chance and we will show you that we are a man who can please you and who will be attentive to your needs. We could simply tell you that we behave that way, but wouldn't a demonstration be much more believable than us spouting some self-serving statements?
3. Having sex is a way for a guy to feel closer to his girl. Yes, we have emotional needs even if we don’t talk about them. We want to feel close to you. Very close!
4. Having sex makes us feel fulfilled as a man.
5. When we finally find the person who we think is The One, we want to demonstrate how wonderful this will be. We want to be trusted, prove our selflessness, feel closer and feel fulfilled . All of that sounds great . . . so why should we wait?!?!?!
That guy who has been dating you for three or four months and who has been telling you that he thinks you are ready to “take the next step” is not a player looking for a score; he's a man looking for his partner.
THINGS ABOUT THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE THAT MANY MEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND (or they know but ignore)
1. For a woman, having sex means exposing herself in the most vulnerable way imaginable. Maybe she is self-conscious about her 32A boobs (which are probably quite lovely) or perhaps its the few extra pounds around her middle; maybe she is afraid you will go into overdrive and try to pull some kinky stuff or you will expect oral sex and swallowing and that's something she just doesn't do. Having sex for the first time with a new partner is scary and she really needs to trust you before she takes a chance on being ridiculed for her small boobs or whatever it is that causes her concern. (Yes, there are guys - Neanderthals - out there who would laugh at a naked woman in bed.)
2. Women are concerned that you will not like what they do in bed, that you will judge them harshly for not having any experience, for having too much experience, for being too much of a slut, for not being enough of a slut. They have all heard that expression that “men want a woman who is a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom,” but they don’t know whether it is true.
3. Women are worried that they may have been taken in by a very convincing player and that you will ghost them as soon as they let you have an evening of play in the funhouse.
4. Some girls hear their mother’s voice in their head, telling them “Nice girls keep their panties around their hips until they are married.”
5. Mot girls know that, once they have sex with you, the relationship will move forward and it will never move backward. They may have some lingering doubts about committing to you and, as soon as they have sex with you, those doubts will be cast aside and they will feel committed to you.
The result of all that is that a woman who is looking for a serious relationship is often not ready to have sex with a guy until she has developed trust in him, and that takes time. If you have any notions in your head about the three date rule, forget them. It might happen on the third date, but don't count on it. It may not happen until you have been dating for 3-4 months or more.
So, the bottom line is: a man wants to have sex as a way of developing trust in the relationship and a woman wants to have sex after the trust is developed. There is an inherent conflict in the timing. That can lead to frustration for guys and ladies can conclude that we are just being selfish jerks. However, the most important thing about the relationship is to recognize that both partners ultimately want the same thing, though on a somewhat different time frame.
Guys, if she is the one, you need to be patient and wait for her to feel ready and don't make her feel pressured to perform any sooner. Really, if she is The One for the rest of your life, do you want to screw it up by trying to pressure her to have sex? That doesn’t mean that you should not discuss the topic, but . . . she should always know that it won’t happen until both of you are ready.
Girls, if he says he wants sex and you're not ready, don't read him the riot act; just tell him that you're glad that he feels so strongly about you and, as soon as you feel ready, you intend to rock his world!
Women think being a guy is SO damned easy compared to being a girl. Most of the time, they are right. But this is one of those times when being a guy is tough. If she is The One, trust me when I tell you that you will spend much of your life waiting on her, so get accustomed to it!
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