Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I'm going to share this really personal story with you, hoping men and women will see sex a bit differently, because this changed my whole vision of it.
When I was young sex was a huge taboo. My parents never knew how to talk about it with me. And not only sex, but even relationships were all strange for me at the time, and I never knew how to handle them.
So when I lost my virginity, I didn't know what was really going on. It was summer, and only one week before my 13th birthday. My boyfriend was living in a village, close to the town, so I always went there by bike. I was a little girl, and I was looking for affection, for 'love'. I was able to ride my bicycle one and a half hour to get to the guy that I called my boyfriend.
We used to kiss, talk and watch movies together in his room. I have really severe parents, and I never wanted them to know that I have a boyfriend. We never really talked about these things (not even up til now). He was 15, we were dating for 2 months. At a point he became really aggressive, but only in words, not physically. He knew my weak points, and started to threaten me. He also said he'll cheat on me if I don't have sex with him. He said he'll tell my parents that we're together, and even lie to them, to get me in bigger trouble.
So I said OK.
I don't know (even after all these years) if it was a good, or a bad thing. But I'll get to that later.
I want to tell you what happened before and after sex. I had no idea at all about what I should do, didn't even wanted it, but his threats convinced me. He went to some porn site on his phone, and when he got a boner he began. Didn't told me anything. Only after we finished. He said: ,,If it wasn't the blood, I would think you're not a virgin.'' I'm not sure why, but these words still resonate in my head.
After this I hated myself, for being a bitch, and losing my virginity even before 13. But I never cried. I knew it was my fault too, and that there's nothing I could do now. I hated myself, and never wanted to talk to him again for what he made of me.
Only next year we had sex-ed in school. Only then I understood a bit more about it. Our teacher even told us that rape isn't necessarily physical, as long as the person is forced to do it.
I'm still not sure if that's true. What I know that I surely was too naive.
But you know what? On the long term this made me stronger. Yes, it's true that I couldn't give my virginity to someone I loved, but I was much more aware of sex.
For me (and I think for every girl) sex is really sentimental. Maybe even more sentimental than physical. And I learned, that if I, as a girl, have sex with someone who isn't really interested in anything else about me, then it will leave me broken. I learned that I have to take matters in my hands.
I learned that as long as I have patience with sex, men can also have. And most importantly I learned that for me feelings are the core of everything.
So what I've done later in my relationships was that I waited to see that my partner really loves me. I always waited. He wanted sex, and I wanted sex, but I held that part of the relationship back, so that feelings can evolve. And this helped me making choices when it came to men. There were some who got angry and left, there was even one who almost beat me for holding him back. But the true ones remained.
To add to that, even after someone truly loved me (btw, they were 2 until now), before making love, I always held them back, for like 20 minutes. Sometimes for women it's not as easy as for
men, getting a boner. And believe me, this patience comes with extra pleasure for both, it's worth it. ;)
So, yes, it's true that the experience gave me some traumas, but it also made me who I am today. And I don't want to be anyone else. I only pay a bit more attention to the topic of sex than others, but that makes the difference.
So guys, even though not every girl is the same, note what I said, and how sex has influence on women.
And girls, don't be afraid of saying what's on your mind, what you want, or what you don't.
I'm still not sure what people would think about what I've done, but even if you think it was all my fault, that was me then, that's what I've done.
And this is me now.
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