Sexual Relationships
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Friends With Benefits Are Not True Friends At All!

Friends with benefits are not true friends at all!

I see so many references now days on here regarding this whole phenomenon of so called "friends with benefits." Its concerning to me that perhaps the most powerful and most wonderful aspect of life between two people is being squandered away and discarded as something more along the lines of a time filler in order to satisfy a biological urge.

Another noteworthy observation I have made is the element of surprise so many experience while being in a "friends with benefits" relationship. Questions are asked on GAG almost daily along the lines of "after having sex, why am I now having feelings?" or "why am I starting to fall in love with him so deeply after having intercourse when we agreed to not allow any feelings?" A true look into the psychology and natural design of human beings tells us why we should not be surprised due to the fact that we were built and hard wired this way from the get-go.

It is a scientific fact that the human brain processes multiple chemicals during sexual intercourse. Furthermore, orgasm in both sexes intensifies these bonding or imprinting chemicals towards the other person, therefore solidifying this physical bond. The feel of each others body both inside and out causes the brain to create new centers of recognition of each person toward the other. The very nature of the sexual act itself was by design meant to be the greatest and most powerful manifestation of true love between two beings due to the fact that its a tangible act of giving and receiving to the deepest physical level possible, using all of the 5 senses, and even arguably a 6th sense for those who believe in spiritual sensory.

I take issue with the idea of being so reckless with that most special bond by simply stating that every day friends can somehow have access anytime they wish to that which is not theirs. I would not classify someone in a "friends with benefits relationship" as a true friend because a true friend would not ever take advantage of another in this way through objectification, or to tempt the physical appetites of another of which they have no intention of catching their most intimate feelings once that person falls deeply for them. Ether be a friend and remain a trusted person who is loyal and yet maintains a non physical relationship, or become a true lover in which both people are loved by each other unconditionally as their foundation for the physical connection. Someone who is having sex and truly loved by the other will always feel needed, wanted, safe, cherished, cared deeply for, physically comfortable, orgasmic, and generally be a happy person in daily life because they know they belong to something very special.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This is a good take. Last year I started dating this guy and we really liked each other a lot, we ended up breaking up because we didn't see a real future together. We tried being friends, but we had a lot of sexual chemistry and agreed to do a friends with benefits situation, which lasted a few months. We still had a lot of feelings for each other, but we both knew it would never really work and broke it off and started seeing other people. He got back with an ex from high school/college and I was really jealous at first and hoped that maybe we would end up getting together again when we both figured some stuff out. We stopped seeing each other and didn't really talk much for a few months, but I started to become really good friends with his girlfriend. Recently, we got back into contact and he and I discussed having a double date, when his girlfriend is in town, so I can meet her and he can meet my boyfriend. We are a lot closer now as friends than when we were friends with benefits and we have a lot of respect for each other. I think our past relationship is what really brought us closer, we just didn't know where to put those feelings.

    • wow that took an intresting but very nice turn!!

Most Helpful Guy

  • Good take I agree.

    Probably why they say the person you marry should be your lover and your best friend.

    • Excellent point :)

    • Thank you.

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  • -Its concerning to me that perhaps the most powerful and most wonderful aspect of life between two people is being squandered away and discarded as something more along the lines of a time filler in order to satisfy a biological urge
    -Ether be a friend and remain a trusted person who is loyal and yet maintains a non physical relationship, or become a true lover in which both people are loved by each other unconditionally as their foundation for the physical connection
    AMEN!

  • Well personally I think people should do as they please as long as everything is consensual. I think sex is exactly as special or not special as you make it, and not everyone feels the same way about sex as you do. I have felt the same level of attachment to people I've never touched as to those I've had sex with.
    However, I also know that friends with benefits relationships rarely work for long. Someone is going to want more or want to take a step back or get jealous or any number of things. So generally I'd advise against them.

    • I agree with this. To me, sex is just the fulfilment of bodily needs & a friends with benefits kind of relationship can work out peacefully, I'm living proof for that. Had a friends with benefits for about a year. Met up whenever we felt like it & when I stopped our 'agreement' because someone else caught my interest, all he said was something along the lines of "Damn, now I gotta go look for someone else, lol." He was neither jealous nor mad or anything & neither of us ever caught any feelings because is just an urge without any feelings for the both of us. I do realise not everyone can pull this off, this requires a big detachment between body & mind on both sides, so the possibility of such a relationship should always be treated with caution.

  • I'd agree that it won't work for most people, but for some it's possible. The difficulty is for both partners remaining satisified with the status quo over the long term, which is unlikely, for example, because people meet someone new even if they don't develop a desire for a deeper relationship.

  • A Great Take. I do agree with what you have said. I could t picture having a so called Friend's with Benefits, as I love intensely and passionately and I want a love that is my own. Plus by sharing each bodies and mind and soul, only to leave the next day like it didn't happen, doesny cut it for me. I need the real thing.

  • I try not to judge anyone for their personal legal choices (ok and some illegal ones...) however I find it at least somewhat ridiculous when they lie to themselves. I've been friends with benefits with exes during times I had no desire for a romantic relationship (yes that happens) and I did not either develop new feelings or rekindle old ones because 1: enough time had past and 2: I knew a relationship wasn't right for us. I'm not the type of person to try to make something out of nothing when all odds are against it (not that they were bad guys. Quite the opposite. But being nice/ good people does not mean you are compatible). But I've seen friends hook up for exes (or just guys) and say "Oh we're just having fun" and then end up getting bent out of shape because he suddenly gets a new girlfriend or something. One of my friends does this repeatedly with her ex, even though she's fully admitted she cannot separate sex and emotion. She knows exactly what type of person he is and I have a hard time feeling any sympathy when he continually disappoints her.

  • Well said. I'd add though that there could be different levels of friend with benefits. Perhaps for personal reasons, the two friends desire to not commit to a higher level relationship. I totally agree, and from personal experience, once you cross that threshold of being sexual you have become more than just friends. I don't see how a person can share that intimate bonding and stay just friends. But that is not to say that you want to take your partner home and live happily ever after. What makes this even more complicated is after having sex numerous times, the experience can grow into something great, then what do you do with it. I ended up running off to another state when she got transferred to join her. Sadly in this case, once we moved in together, the relationship changed. Lasted about 18 months and I moved out. Should have stayed friends with benefits.

  • Maybe you should say, "friends with benefits are no true friend to ME" instead of telling people who should or shouldn't be allowed to have consensual sex with them. That's not your concern quite honestly.

  • I agree with you but sometimes some relationships are genuine.

    I became friends with my fiancé and we had sex, then got into a relationship.

  • It's just a term. Most of the time, they're not even your friends. They're just a person you sometimes hook up with. The problem is most people can't separate feelings from sex, so it's not for everyone.

    • I agree with you

  • Yes I agree almost completely. Sex with someone you care about and can openly have feelings for/with is certainly the best endeavor, but to say...
    "a true friend would not ever take advantage of another in this way through objectification"

    implies lack of free will. Two consenting adults who've discussed the parameters (yes these rules are generally looked to be broken by at least one of the two) and are aware of what they are doing can't really claim or be accused of taking advantage.

    • You make a great point. I see it as lack of self respect for both people while still pointing out that really and truly they probably are not friends since friends wouldn't do such things to one another. Now I can totally see two friends all of the sudden click and realize they have had feelings for each other for a while but didn't show it or say anything nor act out on it (sex) only to finally not be able to take it any longer, admit it, have sex, recognize that "we are official" and in love, marriage, so on. But at that point forward, they commit to one another and are there to catch the other's most vulnerable feelings.

    • Two people can both be adults and consent to a relationship but one is still taking advantage of the other. E. g., a professor and a college student; a therapist and patient; an attorney and client. In the friends with benefits context, if I know that a girl wants a relationship with me and will do anything to get it, I can tell her that I don;t want a relationship but I would like to have sex with her. I know that she is desperate to have a relationship so I suspect that she will agree to friends with benefits, hoping that more develops. I know that I will never let that happen, so I get her to agree to be friends with benefits and we start having sex. Haven't I taken advantage of her even though she is a consenting adult who has exercised her free will?

    • @OlderAndWiser the professional relationships you speak of in your intricate comoleyey unethical for the reason yes someone is taking advantage. Your other scenario bowever is not. If one adult chooses to keep his or her eyes closed to the reality of the situation, that's on them.

  • Not that I have any experience with friends with benefits relationships, but they seem like a terrible idea.

  • people should have sex when they want to. Sex isn't some magical thing. Don't try and make people feel bad for having sex in a way that doesn't appeal to you. You don't want casual sex so doesn't have casual sex.

    • People should think about the consequences of their decisions in life. Making people feel bad or not is secondary to speaking the truth of the reality if being reckless in some decisions. I'm not one who will stay silent in the off chance I might hurt someone's feelings. Especially when people are on here every day wondering why they have feelings after having causal sex. Are you actually going to sit here and deny that the brain is wired this way and deny that casual sex can be harmful for many who engage in it?

    • Having casual sex does not automatically mean reckless. As long as proper protection is used there is no problem. There are always going to be people who regret their decisions whether it is sex related or not. That's just a fact of life.

    • In most cases it does mean that from what I witness however I agree with you on the facts of life. I'm not trying to make people feel bad or shamed. I'm just trying to get people to think about it a bit and see a different perspective not often considered (cause and effect) but in the end, everyone will make their own choices and I'm not about to force my will on anyone. This is just simply my take for people to consider a different perspective on why they shouldn't.

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  • lovely take! <3 always a fan of how you express your ideas :)

    • Thank you, I feel the same way about you :)

  • Great take on this. It's a fact of life that sex does create attraction whether we want it or not. I agree with you completely!

  • You have some good points. I love this take!

  • I agree with you for the majority of people but I think there are some who can have sex purely for the physical side and not get emotionally attached. The problem is when the friends with benefits relationship consists of one of these people and another person who does get emotionally invested. I guess the perfect friends with benefits setup would consist of two people looking to enjoy sex in a purely physical sense who know they won't get emotionally attached.

  • Friends with benefits is way too cold for me. It just doesn't feel right.

  • I could not disagree more. The purpose of a friends with benefits is to circumvent all the psychodrama socual protocols and crank philosophy festooned here. I'd write more, but I'm about to puke.

    • So you are also disagreeing with all the well established science behind it and the thousands of years of human track record inherent?

    • Established science? Nonsense. I've lived it and knew others who did.

    • Maybe you have not felt so, but the other party did and you never knew

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  • I totally agree - I cannot separate the two the way friends with benefits requires and would expect feelings to develop if in a physical relationship - You are one or the other, you can be friends within a relationship but I don't think you can be physical within a friendship

  • I do think it cheapens the meaning of the word, "friend."

    But I think cheap easy sex kind of cheapens a lot of things.

    But if that's really the only thing your heart desires, I wouldn't hold anybody back from doing what they really genuinely wanted, even if they want to get beat up and tortured. I know some people pay for that, so I guess people can want anything. And sex is way better than beatings, hopefully. Or if you're into both, you know, whatever.

    I just hope you have something else like a business plan or something for when you're not young and sexy anymore. I hope you're not just gonna party it up until it's no fun anymore and then kill yourself. A ton of people do just that. There's more to life, but not if you're busy throwing it away with both hands to have fun fun fun in the sun, and bright lights and big city nights. But if that's what you're into, oh well.

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