Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
1. Give Me Validation
I was getting tons of attention. From men of all ages. 26, 37, 43. You name it. Growing up, I rarely received male attention and didn't have any guy friends. Flattery, flattery, flattery it was when I ventured online to flirt and showcase my childlike body to the whole world.
2. Gullible and Underage
How I first started sexting was all thanks to Ryan, a guy friend I made on Kik. Let's just say he was a nice guy and despite the fact that he was overweight and much older than me, I soon started developing feelings for him. He just knew how to make me feel special, it seemed. Now thinking about it, I'm pretty sure he was making a bunch of girls feel special at the same time but at the naive age of 15, I was as clueless as a dim bulb.
3. Guilt, go away
Before I knew it I had finally sent a few shots of my naked body to Ryan.
"Don't feel bad. There's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just having fun, it's just nudes," Ryan reassured.
It definitely took much convincing and Ryan successfully managed to transform me into someone I didn't think I'd even be capable of becoming. How did someone who I thought was a wonderful friend yet a stranger and someone I'd never met, even have the upper hand?
I was from Asia, grew up in a strict household of traditional beliefs and values. I was obedient to my parents. I respected my body. I had dignity. Even the thought of sending nudes was contemptible and I was adamant on not showing Ryan my bare tits and worse, pussy. Everyone knew me to be that good girl at school and in my community; I had a good reputation to uphold. But here I was, giving in and sending nudes to some stupid, horny guy in the United States who still lived in his mom's house?
Boy did I feel super guilty and angry afterwards. And not to forget, a revolting slut. What the fuck was wrong with me?
4. I masturbated in my aunt's toilet
Don't ask me how and why I thought it was a good idea. But I just did. I took multiple videos of me moaning while I rubbed my clit in the toilet. Even held the shower jet and turned it on as I positioned it onto my clitoris. It was my first time and the pressure was everything.
Again, soon after, a cloud of guilt began to envelop me so I downloaded an app just to store my dirty, private videos. Yes I had a lock on my phone but I was still skeptical. I just felt the urge to take the extra precautionary measure. I just had to. It was only for me to see.
And guess what?
That morning after having attended a briefing in my local community (yes, I didn't get enough hours of sleep), I lost my phone. Of all days, I lost it on that day. Had I not stored my videos in the 'secret' app, I'd have been fucked. Alright, maybe I was just overreacting and I'd have been just fine regardless of that, but at least I wasn't going to have recurring nightmares. Close call.
5. Constant frustrations
I was interested in guys romantically but they seemed more interested in my assets. I just wanted a boyfriend. All my friends had one but I had never had one. Hell, I never even had sex but that wasn't my concern. Guys online were my only bet as I was really shy in real life. But nobody would ask me to be their girlfriend. It was all fun and games. After all, I was just an internet whore.
Indeed, I was hard on myself. I considered myself a whore for sending nudes (luckily I always made sure to send faceless nudes which I'll forever be glad for), a whore just for being sexually curious, a whore because I was pretty certain none of my friends in real life did this and a whore because I was dumb and naive for letting a guy convince me into sending nudes. I could've stopped all this but I landed myself in this shit. I only had myself to blame, right?
Time and time again, potential romantic interests would emerge and then slowly drift apart. Finally I decided I'd just give up on the ultimate search of Love. I was a whore anyway. Maybe I was fated to be lonely forever. Also, my future was probably ruined. Hell, maybe I'd even become a stripper a few years down the road.
I was demoralised. No one knew.
6. Kissing and Virginity
Now I was 18. I had yet to kiss anyone nor lose my virginity. Heck, I had never even hugged a guy except well, my dad. Despite thinking of myself less, I always kept true to my inner 'good girl' belief - I would save those for my boyfriend. I had to preserve some of my dignity at least.
Of course, I did get a lot of hookup requests from time to time and literally rejected ALL except one day...
7. I felt really adventurous and thought 'Why Not?'
It was a local Chinese guy whom I had never met. He'd been trying to get my attention on Snapchat for months only to be flat out ignored by me. Why? Because I was trying to turn over a new leaf during those months. I was ashamed and put up a 'I'm a good girl, don't you dare try shit' facade. I should've blocked him, yes, but I kinda liked the attention.
Then on that faithful December, he tried his luck again. I liked that he was persistent. Also, I was horny. I was experiencing a higher sex drive than usual which was a signal that my period was fast approaching. My sexual curiosity which I'd been suppressing in the dungeon all this while were starting to burn again. It came to life. Then I became a rebel again.
We met. It was awkward. He was friendly and obviously had a lot of experience judging from the way he was sweet talking smoothly. I was shy and just smiled. He'd wanted to book a hotel earlier on but I was scared. Uncomfortable with the thought that he would be spending money on me. That he would expect a lot from me. That I'd be classified as a literal prostitute. That'd be atrocious.
So I suggested doing it at a flat nearby. It was risky because it wasn't our property but like I said, I was feeling somewhat adventurous. And if it meant I wouldn't feel the pressure to satisfy all of this stranger's needs even when I'm uncomfortable as hell, I was more than glad to not head out to a friggin' sketchy hotel. I didn't want to risk getting raped too.
8. Strictly no kissing and sexual intercourse
Before we met up, I'd made it clear to him that I was saving my kiss and virginity for that one special guy (my future boyfriend which was imaginary at the moment).
On that day, he tried to kiss me at times but I moved my face away from him. Fortunately, he wasn't pushy. I was still in my dress but had the interesting experience of having my boobs sucked, neck kissed and a dick placed on my ass while I stood there like a stone, watching the view of skyscrapers from the top level of the building. That's it. I didn't want to go any further. Not even a blowjob. I refused to get intimate with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend.
While it felt good at times, I absolutely hated the experience. For instance, touching his cock. It was my first time and I was supposed to be excited but I ended up feeling disappointed. I wasn't feeling the chemistry; I didn't have feelings for him. I figured, casual hookups are not for me.
9. *Blocked!*
He wanted to meet at a hotel for our next potential meetup. I obviously didn't want that. Soon, we bade our farewells. He tried keeping in touch again but I didn't want to lead him on so I blocked him. Call me a bitch but I wasn't interested in hooking up again. Not even with other guys, I swore.
Because yes, the guilt was sinking in again. My inner 'good girl' voice was back again, yelling at me in exasperation. I was surely better than that?
10. Even more temptations
Ah, guilty pleasure. But what else can you expect when you're young and single and have hormones raging from time to time? I had lots of guys interested to hook up with me. Foreigners, especially.
One instance was a 35 year old guy named Emilio who occasionally came to Singapore for his business trips. Another case was a 23 year old guy from the Netherlands who was here as an exchange student for a semester. There was also a 30 year old called Ben who was German and lived in New York. He taught me German at times.
And I had many more encounters.
All of them had one thing in common. They were wonderful friends in the very beginning (admittedly I started growing a bit of feelings) but I knew that they ultimately wanted sex.
In the end I decided, NO FUCKING THANKS. I wasn't going to ever meet up with them. I wasn't going to be just some cheap and easy Asian hoe.
And so I ignored and blocked them.
And so I decided I was never going to seek attention over the net, feeding on adulation and weasel words.
And so I decided to work on my self esteem and not become wasted at a very young age.
And I'm glad to say that I don't regret my decision. My boyfriend came along later in my life. He's truly amazing and I couldn't have been any happier. My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first virginity.
I love you, Alex. 
Lastly, thank you so much for reading.
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