Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Knowing when and how to turn on sexual energy is one the biggest sticking points for men who are struggling to be successful in their dating life and in relationships. For many men, this is the crux of the issue. A man can be friendly, hold a decent conversation, and even inject some humor into his interactions with women, but when it comes time to escalate sexually, he misses the opportunity. Perhaps this lands him in the so-called "friend zone" or leads to a flat-out rejection, because while the woman may have been interested at some point, failing to show that he is attracted to her in a sexual manner or to take charge and go for what he wants, will prove to her that he is not interested or is too passive, thereby losing her interest and wasting her time.
I want to delve into some of the reasons why a man might have trouble in this area and what can possibly be done to correct it.
THE MISCONCEPTIONS OF FEMALE SEXUALITY
From the time a man is raised from a small child to a young adult, he is given mixed signals. He is taught that men have a natural insatiable drive towards having sex with as many beautiful women as he possibly can, but that his sexuality is something that is deviant, bestial or even evil. This could be due to a religious upbringing or the indoctrinated notion that men seek sex far more urgently than women. These men are then taught that it is their duty to be "respectful" and in turn suppress their sexuality and desires for fear of being seen as a pervert, creep, or a womanizer. To them, a woman is a delicate flower who is at great risk from the demon of male sexuality and cannot quite grasp the consensual nature of sex.
The misconception is that women don't have the same level of sexual desire. Perhaps a man learns over time that women are just as sexual, but due to this upbringing of treating women with caution, he has subconscious blocks or shame tied to his sexuality.
MALE SEXUAL SHAME
A man may desire sex just as his more sexually confident peers but has shame attached to it. There are a number of reasons why this may be so:
- He was raised in a household where there was no strong father figure or the father was mostly absent
- He was raised in a household with an overbearing mother who projected misandric views of men onto her son
- He was raised in a highly religious household that attached guilt around sexual desire
- He was sexually abused or developed sexual perversions earlier on in his development
- He was repeatedly rejected by women due to improper sexual escalation and poor social awareness
- He was taught by society that male sexuality is dangerous and takes the "guilt" of his gender upon himself
- He grew to believe, through a variety of biased confirmations, that he is not sexually attractive and that women will be turned off by his sexual advances
- He is inexperienced in being sexual and has insecurities around expressing his sexuality or knowing when it is "proper" to express himself
THE SYMPTOMS OF SHAME
There are many outward symptoms of this shame that women and other men can pick up on. One of the major indicators is a man who shies away from sexual topics or does not express himself sexually when it is deemed appropriate to do so. He may miss obvious cues from a woman who is sexually interested such as self-touching, lip biting, flirting, strong eye contact, and kino. He may notice all the signs but his ingrained guilt causes him anxiety around being vulnerable and expressing himself.
Some men may even put up a shield and defend their behavior by considering themselves virtuous and "nice". This is all apart of the indoctrination. The shield is erected to avoid the pain of the shame. They may consider the more sexually dominant or assertive man as being "bad", a "jerk", or a "douche" because it appears that he is pushing and stepping over boundaries, but doesn't realize that the woman is also a part of that dance and has an agency of her own.
Many women, in turn, do not see this man as a sexual being. Some common misconceptions are that the man must be gay if he does not capitalize on the opportunity like the typical sexually confident man. Women may come to believe that this man's overall confidence is lacking, but in reality, it is the mental blocks that have been put in place over years of conditioning to believe that there is something wicked about male sexuality. Other women may understand his reservations, help him to bring out his sexual side, but can grow bored of him if he does not come into his own.
Other symptoms include:
- Erectile dysfunction due to performance anxiety
- Bashful around very sexually attractive women
- Nervousness around men who are sexually confident
- Disapproval of sexually confident men and women (hiding behind virtues)
- Able to be sexual, but will suppress some of his more kinky desires with his partner
- Takes things slower than the typical male when it comes to going for the first kiss or taking things into the bedroom
As with most psychological issues, sexual shame can come in varying degrees. While one man may become flustered when the topic of sex comes up at all, others may just have issues expressing themselves sexually to the woman who they become romantically involved with.
OVERCOMING THE SHAME AND TURNING ON SEXUAL ENERGY
Often times the shameful man will wait until a woman he is attracted to gives clear signs that she is interested in him sexually. In his mind, most women will not be receptive to his desires, and so he holds himself back and gives plenty of excuses to himself on why that is perfectly acceptable. However, many women expect a man to take charge and will not be sexually attracted until he does so -- it is a catch 22.
The way to overcome this shame is proof. This is the same idea behind cognitive behavioral therapy. Besides working on building a healthy sense of self-worth and improving general social skills, a man must give himself proof that is it okay to express himself sexually at the right time. One way to do this is to practice flirting and teasing without any goals of having sex. Turning on sexual energy is far more nuanced than simply being direct. Here are some other things a man can do to overcome his shame around sex:
- Joke about sex even among friends
- Hang around more sex-positive people who are willing to show that there is nothing wrong with sexual expression
- Go to a therapist and get to the bottom of why the shame is there in the first place and come up with a detailed plan on how to gradually express your sexual side
- Take more risks in general, especially socially. This can be done in small increments
- Find a friend who is willing to practice flirting or sexual escalation. Don't look for a woman to pity fuck you, but rather, reframe it as practice. It doesn't even have to lead to sex. If you are afraid to be vulnerable, just say "I want to get better at flirting". You could even practice this through texting or sexting first
- Be more playful! It doesn't matter if sex is involved. Expressing yourself physically can sometimes unlock that sexual energy that is being repressed
- Stop watching porn and masturbating so frequently, as it can give an unhealthy view on sex
- Keep an eye out for the signs that women are attracted to you during a conversation (do a web search and you find a ton of material on this)
- Realize that even if you do express yourself sexually, a woman may not be receptive. That is okay! Back off, don't apologize, and guage later if you can try again. This also comes with practice...
- Remember that the way turn on a woman sexually is to touch her emotions. Make her feel! If you can do that, expressing yourself sexually becomes much more natural for the both of you
- Be in the present and remember that you are not your mind! Your thoughts, your feelings, and your past do no have to define you as a person!
Being confident in who you are, both in your sexuality and in your sexual attractiveness, does not come overnight. It takes time and practice. A man who holds shame around his sexuality will no doubt have many missed opportunities that he will realize later on in hindsight, however, it takes many positive experiences, both small and large, to overcome it. Realize that the journey can be rough, but you must persevere if you want to have healthy sexual connections.
It is never too late to come into your own as a sexual man that women desire and want. Remember that you are not only letting yourself down but you also letting the ladies who desire you down!
Some articles that may be of some help in understanding and overcoming this issue:
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/its-ok-to-want-sex/all/1/
This article helps to dispell the idea that male sexuality is inherently wrong.
http://www.mensjournal.com/expert-advice/11-ways-to-boost-your-sexual-confidence-20160216
This helps for men who have no problems turning on sexual energy, but want to be more confident in the bedroom.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/doug-and-leslie-gustafson/men-and-sex-the-real-trut_b_3781240.html
This BLOG article touches on a more spiritual side of male sexuality.
https://www.sexyconsciousawake.com/3-big-reasons-men-burdened-sexual-shame-disorientation/
This article goes over a few other male archetypes that tie shame to sex.
"As a result, I let countless amazing women slip quietly away who might otherwise have fallen in love with me had I shown them in healthy, heart-connected ways that I was, in fact, affectionately hungry for them. Even inside a relationship, I was always hesitant to “take” my woman sexually, living in perpetual fear of her rejection, or – ironically – of making her afraid."
Here is a video that can really help understanding this issue of shame surrounding a man expressing his sexuality:
Finally, here are some articles about flirting and sexual escalation from the male point of view:
http://www.absoluteability.com/dating/always-escalate-to-sex/
http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-use-sexual-tension-escalate-sex
https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-flirting-tips.html
http://www.lovepanky.com/men/how-to-tips-and-guide-for-men/how-to-subtly-flirt-with-a-girl
http://www.lovepanky.com/men/attracting-and-dating-women/how-to-flirt-with-a-girl
I hope this Take was at least somewhat informative on why some men struggle with being confident with a woman he is interested in and how sexual shame can actually be the reason behind a man not making moves on you. For guys, there are a ton of resources out there. If you aren't all that confident with women in general, perhaps you harbor some deep-seated guilt around sex that is preventing you from harnessing that energy and allowing it to drive you towards real connection.
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