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Looking Into Buying a Pet Narcissist? Here's Some Tips on How to Choose, Adopt, Raise, and Provide for Your Future Pet!

*time for a satire post.*

Looking Into Buying a Pet Narcissist? Here's Some Tips on How to Choose, Adopt, Raise, and Provide for Your Future Pet!
Looking Into Buying a Pet Narcissist? Here's Some Tips on How to Choose, Adopt, Raise, and Provide for Your Future Pet!

Feeling lonely in your house and want a new companion at your side?

• Narcissists are becoming a popular pet this day and age, and everyone has one. Everyone except for you, you fucking loser!

• Narcissists have been around for a long time, and due to the increase in shitty parenting , jealousy, and lack of conviction; narcissists have been increasing in amounts rapidly.

• Still confused? Do you want a pet Narcissist? Well narcissists require a lot of love and attention to take care of, not to mention responsibility.

• So we will provide a guide to how to pick out your new best friend based on breed, tell you their preferred diets, and how to care for them until they eventually decide to end it all in a parking lot behind a Denny's...

Ready? Let's get started!

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Things you'll need to get before you adopt your first Narcissist.

Narcissism food: Fake friends, jealousy, selfies, compliments, followers (Instagram flavored, Facebook flavored, Twitter flavored, and YouTube flavored.(Vine flavored was discontinued.)), And material objects that display differences in class, and many more examples.

*WARNING* Just like chocolate to dogs, there a lot of things narcissists cannot ingest.

Toxins: Criticism, lack of attention, putting any effort into anything, any form of conviction, and being rejected (from a relationship/hookup).

These supplies will help you in selecting your pet Narcissist, and these tips should warn you about what not to feed it.

So now that you have your supplies, it's time to pick your Narcissist!!!

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The "Humble-bragging" breed.

Not the most popular breed, but aren't too different from the rest.

• These are the shy ones, they require lots of love and care, but need space sometimes. It's main call is making the sound "I'm not that great, but I'm pretty above average" whenever it is appropriate or not appropriate at all. When given compliments they reply by making the sound "Noooooo omg I'm so ugly." When it does this, you must immediately provide more praise, or it will become vicious and bite you because you didn't try to prove it wrong.

• This breed's diet consists of compliments, mainly about how humble they are, inspirational quotes, and gold stars from a teacher's wall. It's allergic to putting any effort into anything, and if reminded of this it will get defensive and bite you again.

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The "I'm smarter than you" breed.

• A very popular breed these days, and easy to care for as long as you give it space. It's hobbies include taking online intelligence quizzes on buzzfeed and refreshing until they get a perfect score on their "first try". It's most common sound is "Not that YOU would understand" or "I'm sorry if that's too complicated for you". It's mating call is a combination of sounds that make a new sound, that sounds like "girls only like dumb guy's, that's why I'm single!"

• This breed's diet consists of random and useless facts about World War II, The Big Bang theory/Rick and Morty, and the end of a pen cap.

• Do not feed them "actual well thought out and researched perspectives" or they will either choke and die or start incessantly humping your leg. They are also allergic to criticism, but they're too smart to eat it apparently.

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The "You're just jealous of me" breed.

• This breed is the hardest to train (and tolerate) , but with unconditional affection, spoiling it with things for it to "make people jealous" , and it might love you more, (albeit a lot less than it loves itself. This breed's hobbies include blatantly bragging, claiming others are jealous of them to hide their flaws in character, dragging their S.O around with them to show them off to people that like them, and driving expensive cars around the house of a person they don't like/doesn't like them back.

• This breed's diet includes friends that don't respect them, followers of any flavor, jealousy, material objects that they constantly lose, and parents that spoil them with materials and shower them with meaningless praise.

• They are allergic to criticism, but will not get sick if given to them, they will simply spit it out if its anything bad and make the sound " You're just jealous" , the most original and valid argument ever...

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The "How does nobody love me?" breed.

• A hard to please breed, but depending on your taste, a funny breed to have.

• It's hobbies include looking and talking at themself in the mirror, yelling at strangers, yelling at friends, laughing at those who they believe are lesser than it, and bringing nothing positive in society. It has many achievement on it's belt , and won't let anyone hear the end of how accomplished They are. They believe they cannot do wrong and get angry and sad when they realizes nobody likes them, or people tolerate them.

• This breed's diet includes fake friends, Twitter rants, and unconditional compliments.

They are allergic to criticism, so if they are exposed to it why if they ingest it and it makes it into the bloodstream they immediately . They don't want to change, so nothing you can do TOO much about.

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The "I woke up like this" breed.

• This breed really enjoys the way it looks, so much so we provide a complimentary selfie stick to assist you in satisfying its needs.

• It's hobbies include assuming people will do favors for them based on how attractive they are, comparing themselves to others based on appearance, calling people gay if they are of the opposite sex and reject it's romantic/sexual advances, and take thousands of selfies on Instagram and Facebook. It's distinct "Heeeeeeeeeeeyy" and "oh my Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhd" sound it makes can be heard from miles, and we will also provide a complimentary set of sheers if you must remove your ears due to no longer wishing to listen to them.

• This breed's diet includes horny 12 year old's/ followers (every flavor), social media, selfies, make up, hair gel, and proactive.

• It's allergic to criticism, and hard work, rejection, and conviction. If exposed to this they will tear up and call you a misandrist/misogynist, or maybe even kill you with an army of their followers.

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*All these breeds AND MORE are available from breeders in L.A, Las Vegas, and Orlando, so come get your pet Narcissist for only 59.99$!

Desclaimer: We are not responsible for any damage to your self esteem, relations with your friends, or physical being. Do not tell the Narcissist how much you paid to adopt them so they have a properly inflated sense of self worth. Side effects of being around it may lead to depression, anxiety, frustration, and potential suicidal thoughts.

Order Now!

Looking Into Buying a Pet Narcissist? Here's Some Tips on How to Choose, Adopt, Raise, and Provide for Your Future Pet!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • JustGiveMeAUsername

    err... can i speak to customer support: i bought an 'i woke up like this' narcissist last week but i forgot to like its instagram selfie and it's not waking up at all anymore, what do i do? thanks in advance

    Is this still revelant?
  • gobsmacked3

    this is brilliant. You should forward it to a few publications for I think you could make decent coin from it.

    Is this still revelant?
    • I doubt an hour of being on prescription meds is worth money.

    • i tell you, try- what have you got to lose

Most Helpful Girls

What Girls & Guys Said

2837
  • Plumy

    I prefer kitties!

    livedoor.4.blogimg.jp/.../677fd6f5.gif

    Take care of me, pwease ❤️

  • Am I the only narcissist who admits that she actually is and just lives with it? ._.

    Damn. Once when I was hella insecure and scarred myself, I was blamed for that. Now that I like myself the way I am, I am a narcissist.

    What the hell does the world want from us? Either way, I am proud that I care for myself.

    • And yes I need all those mentioned above. Got too much abuse from past. I deserve some compensation.

    • Are you a narcissist in a way that you're confident in yourself. Or that you use that confidence to make any other sales your character has?

    • I'm not up for sale.

    • Show All
  • This was funny but Omg the sad part is, i now wonder if single me was a narcissist 🤨🤔🤭 scary... but thank goodness im taken now

  • dragonfly6516

    This is fucking amazing!!! SO needed this laugh, and I'm sharing this :-D

    Yup, I've fallen for one for one of these pests before; you think it's a helpless stray, but it's actually feral.

    • I'm glad you liked it. :)

      I've had my share of experiences as well.

  • Crapulux

    This was a fun read. When dealing with narcissists, my favorite line is "I dont care about you." It works pretty well, for obvious reasons.

    That said,

    > The "I'm smarter than you" breed.

    Well, I am smarter than you, sorry about that, it's called statistics.

    > This breed's diet consists of random and useless facts about World War II, The Big Bang theory/Rick and Morty, and the end of a pen cap.

    This is quite amusing, as The Big Bang Theory is not a show about smart people. Rather, it is a show about how retarded Hollywood script writers think smart people should behave. TBBT isn't good writing to be honest.

    > Do not feed them "actual well thought out and researched perspectives" or they will either choke and die or start incessantly humping your leg. They are also allergic to criticism, but they're too smart to eat it apparently.

    This is not how it works at all, sweetheart. If you are dealing with someone who is smart (say, IQ above 150) then you must keep in mind that they will feel that anyone who is retarded (say, IQ 130 or lower, and I'm being very generous here) is... well, to be honest, retarded, and thus not interesting. Like a non-playing character.

    Considering how few people actually have functioning brains, if you are able to provide intellectual stimulation, someone who is smart will love spending time with you. Even if they disagree with you. We love a challenge.

    If your "smart" buddy does not love a challenge, and is averse to criticism, then they're just a narcissist masquerading as smart. That's sad.

    • ... That's sort of the point... Sorry if you might have missed it.

  • N23SA

    "how to care for them until they eventually decide to end it all in a parking lot behind a Denny's..."
    Jokes on you! Narcissists love themselves too much to end themselves. I believe they simply run off to find a new, better carer.

    • Ooooh, sorry I meant "you" instead of they.

    • N23SA

      Ah, that makes sense lol

  • Nina12346

    No I would not buy one you suicide mission ! 😂😂😂

    I've never met a narcissistic person yet lol.

    Another great take ! Funny too.. keep it up !

  • Browneye57

    "Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do." __Browneye's Dad

    :)

  • themetalhead

    omg sir... you are A GOD!! I love this, it was so hilarious lmao XD

  • QueenofCups

    This is fuckin funny... thank you for making me laugh.

  • SweedyPie

    Hahaha great job! I did a double take at the line "These are the shy ones, they require lots of love and care, but need space sometimes." All of a sudden I was questioning myself... am I a narcissist? Eyes opened wide until I read the next line and exhaled lol. But glad now I can pinpoint these types of people better. Thanks!

  • bellybuttonlint

    Social media is such a safe haven for narcissists... that's why I avoid it altogether.

  • So funny and Brilliant at the same time! You deserve being an Editor on here unlike most of the Editors on here, lol. Great job!

  • xHoneyxBeex

    Lol this was funny. I think we have all encountered people like that at one point or another... unfortunately. haha!

  • Logorithim

    God, no. Once you realize someone is a narcissist, run for the hills and get away from them, pronto.

  • SweetgirlNS

    Awesome read!!! Thank you for inviting me to your post.

  • See now this is a funny My Take. And the best part of it, is I'm narcissistic as fuck.

  • Juxtapose

    I prefer borderline sociopathic, megalomaniacs of women with a soft spot for me.

    Narcissists aren't exciting enough.

  • lord_chilled

    Nice one. You should do a youtube video with this lol

  • skytatoe

    My last one was a hybrid she ran away ;(
    I tried to get a refund but they told me the warranty only covered purebreds wtf!

  • yodaiam

    i shall read you later... you seem like you might be a good read

  • beebella

    No, thanks. I've already had one pet narcissist and I don't plan on having another one.

  • loveslongnails

    You have even more time on your hands than I do, apparently.

  • Dog19

    Awesome! Where can I buy The "Humble-bragging" breed?

  • Likes2drive

    This was quite entertaining to read and well thought out 👍

  • azzntittiz

    Who wants to pet me? I'm cute and I can cook.

  • Sabretooth

    selling my father for the very low price of 1 penny.

  • LittlePrince85

    I like it. Glad there's a lot of awareness about narcissists now.

  • Tohhru

    This whole younger generation has the highest narcissistic levels from previous gens

  • torken

    Lol, well played

  • Chanel1981

    Hysterical! We all know a few...

  • I take my hat off to you.

    This is brilliant!!!

  • Commander_Courtney

    Cool satire post.

  • Ms_Meaghan

    okay, thanks for that. :)

  • bubble_tea

    Very entertaining take!

  • JamestheKorean

    Cool Mytake!

  • 1derfulguy

    Lol this was amazing. Good job.

  • clampfan101

    Golden retrievers are the best!

  • LegateLanius

    LMAO

  • Wwwyzzerdd

    Awesome take!

  • fauchelevent

    Great take :P

  • RedRobin

    Haha, this is funny

  • 10dsw

    Haha this was really good!

  • Cadet_Cora

    Thanks for your insight. lol

  • hey_wat_up

    this my take just made my day ty

  • Nice idea with the breed thing :D

  • Great

  • Clueless_Gal

    Funny

  • MrRugs

    We're just looking for a loving home 😺

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