*time for a satire post.*
Feeling lonely in your house and want a new companion at your side?
• Narcissists are becoming a popular pet this day and age, and everyone has one. Everyone except for you, you fucking loser!
• Narcissists have been around for a long time, and due to the increase in shitty parenting , jealousy, and lack of conviction; narcissists have been increasing in amounts rapidly.
• Still confused? Do you want a pet Narcissist? Well narcissists require a lot of love and attention to take care of, not to mention responsibility.
• So we will provide a guide to how to pick out your new best friend based on breed, tell you their preferred diets, and how to care for them until they eventually decide to end it all in a parking lot behind a Denny's...
Ready? Let's get started!
Things you'll need to get before you adopt your first Narcissist.
Narcissism food: Fake friends, jealousy, selfies, compliments, followers (Instagram flavored, Facebook flavored, Twitter flavored, and YouTube flavored.(Vine flavored was discontinued.)), And material objects that display differences in class, and many more examples.
*WARNING* Just like chocolate to dogs, there a lot of things narcissists cannot ingest.
Toxins: Criticism, lack of attention, putting any effort into anything, any form of conviction, and being rejected (from a relationship/hookup).
These supplies will help you in selecting your pet Narcissist, and these tips should warn you about what not to feed it.
So now that you have your supplies, it's time to pick your Narcissist!!!
The "Humble-bragging" breed.
• Not the most popular breed, but aren't too different from the rest.
• These are the shy ones, they require lots of love and care, but need space sometimes. It's main call is making the sound "I'm not that great, but I'm pretty above average" whenever it is appropriate or not appropriate at all. When given compliments they reply by making the sound "Noooooo omg I'm so ugly." When it does this, you must immediately provide more praise, or it will become vicious and bite you because you didn't try to prove it wrong.
• This breed's diet consists of compliments, mainly about how humble they are, inspirational quotes, and gold stars from a teacher's wall. It's allergic to putting any effort into anything, and if reminded of this it will get defensive and bite you again.
The "I'm smarter than you" breed.
• A very popular breed these days, and easy to care for as long as you give it space. It's hobbies include taking online intelligence quizzes on buzzfeed and refreshing until they get a perfect score on their "first try". It's most common sound is "Not that YOU would understand" or "I'm sorry if that's too complicated for you". It's mating call is a combination of sounds that make a new sound, that sounds like "girls only like dumb guy's, that's why I'm single!"
• This breed's diet consists of random and useless facts about World War II, The Big Bang theory/Rick and Morty, and the end of a pen cap.
• Do not feed them "actual well thought out and researched perspectives" or they will either choke and die or start incessantly humping your leg. They are also allergic to criticism, but they're too smart to eat it apparently.
The "You're just jealous of me" breed.
• This breed is the hardest to train (and tolerate) , but with unconditional affection, spoiling it with things for it to "make people jealous" , and it might love you more, (albeit a lot less than it loves itself. This breed's hobbies include blatantly bragging, claiming others are jealous of them to hide their flaws in character, dragging their S.O around with them to show them off to people that like them, and driving expensive cars around the house of a person they don't like/doesn't like them back.
• This breed's diet includes friends that don't respect them, followers of any flavor, jealousy, material objects that they constantly lose, and parents that spoil them with materials and shower them with meaningless praise.
• They are allergic to criticism, but will not get sick if given to them, they will simply spit it out if its anything bad and make the sound " You're just jealous" , the most original and valid argument ever...
The "How does nobody love me?" breed.
• A hard to please breed, but depending on your taste, a funny breed to have.
• It's hobbies include looking and talking at themself in the mirror, yelling at strangers, yelling at friends, laughing at those who they believe are lesser than it, and bringing nothing positive in society. It has many achievement on it's belt , and won't let anyone hear the end of how accomplished They are. They believe they cannot do wrong and get angry and sad when they realizes nobody likes them, or people tolerate them.
• This breed's diet includes fake friends, Twitter rants, and unconditional compliments.
They are allergic to criticism, so if they are exposed to it why if they ingest it and it makes it into the bloodstream they immediately . They don't want to change, so nothing you can do TOO much about.
The "I woke up like this" breed.
• This breed really enjoys the way it looks, so much so we provide a complimentary selfie stick to assist you in satisfying its needs.
• It's hobbies include assuming people will do favors for them based on how attractive they are, comparing themselves to others based on appearance, calling people gay if they are of the opposite sex and reject it's romantic/sexual advances, and take thousands of selfies on Instagram and Facebook. It's distinct "Heeeeeeeeeeeyy" and "oh my Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhd" sound it makes can be heard from miles, and we will also provide a complimentary set of sheers if you must remove your ears due to no longer wishing to listen to them.
• This breed's diet includes horny 12 year old's/ followers (every flavor), social media, selfies, make up, hair gel, and proactive.
• It's allergic to criticism, and hard work, rejection, and conviction. If exposed to this they will tear up and call you a misandrist/misogynist, or maybe even kill you with an army of their followers.
*All these breeds AND MORE are available from breeders in L.A, Las Vegas, and Orlando, so come get your pet Narcissist for only 59.99$!
Desclaimer: We are not responsible for any damage to your self esteem, relations with your friends, or physical being. Do not tell the Narcissist how much you paid to adopt them so they have a properly inflated sense of self worth. Side effects of being around it may lead to depression, anxiety, frustration, and potential suicidal thoughts.