I have been raped 4 times: when I was 18, 19, 20, and 21. I knew all four of my rapists, dated 2 of them. It has been a secret I have kept throughout the years as I come from a very religious family and had always gone to a private school where any kind of sexual behavior is looked down upon. With that being said, I could never tell my family or friends about the first time it happened..or the second...or the third...or the fourth. You, dear reader, may judge me and say it was my fault that it happened to me and that I deserved it. I'm sorry to inform you but you do not know the truth so I will enlighten you. I have grown strong enough to share with the world about my experiences to show being sexually assaulted is usually from someone you know and trusted. WARNING: The follow content contains explicit imagery. Do not read if you will be offended.
When I was 18, I went with my friend to his uncle's house 2.5 hours from mine. It was New Year's Eve and his whole family was gathering. I had known him for years and we were good friends. He wanted more but I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship and he said he respected it. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. Anyways, the party was a lot of fun and afterwards we went back to his parent's house with his sisters. We watched movies in the basement and played card games. It was 2am when his family decided to go to bed. The friend and I were going to watch one more movie. During the movie, he kissed me out of the blue. I didn't like it and he got mad. He proceeded to pick me up, carry me into the room he was staying in in the basement, undress me, take pictures, and steal my virginity. He had a wild look in his eyes and he was bigger than me so I couldn't stop him. I cried but he stuffed my panties in my mouth. After he finished in me, he took pictures of his "masterpiece". He then forced me to clean him up taking more pictures. On the drive back, he pulled off to the side of the road multiple times to satisfy himself. There was no one to help me.
At 19, I dated this guy who seemed sweet. He was religious like me and my family liked him. One day he said a bunch of friends were meeting at his parent's cabin to just hangout. I was excited since the cabin had a prime spot on the lake. He picked me up and we went to the cabin. As you can assume, there was no friends to meet us. There never was. He raped me in the cabin. Even if I did cry, no one would have heard me since the cabin was pretty secluded. He finished in me and then forced me to blow him til he came in my mouth as well. Just like the first, on the ride back, he stopped multiple times to use me to his liking.
The 3rd rapist was a friend of mine who had the same major as me and we were study buddies. I went to his house often as he was a commuter and I would usually stay for dinner. His family was sweet and I loved his dog. The one study time, we took a break and was helping his mom make some lunch. His mom got a call to the hospital and left us to finish lunch by ourselves which is no biggie. However, my friend had other ideas. He picked me up and threw me on the couch. He fingered me roughly making me cry. He thought I liked it. He removed my clothes and thrusted deep right away. I squealed and his dog came running in, barking. He picked me up (still in me) and carried me to his room, locking the dog out. He threw me on the bed and positioned me how he wanted me. He was a very tall and muscular guy and I couldn't have stopped him if I wanted to. I could only cry silent tears. As he thrusted, he put a hand around my throat and choked me so I was on the edge of blacking out. When he was done with that, he flipped me over and held me down as he forced me to deep throat him. i couldn't breathe but he didn't care. He finished in my mouth and didn't leave until I swallowed it all. I gasped for air when he was done and he just laughed. He assaulted me 3 more times that day, laughing and saying i enjoyed it.
The 4th rapist was actually my current boyfriend. We dated for 8 months and he respected my wishes to not get super intimate. One night he caved. We were watching Netflix at his apartment after a long day at the beach when he started getting handsy. I squirmed and he told me to relax. I told him no but it made him upset. He pulled me off the couch and pushed me into his bedroom. He shoved me onto the bed and proceeded to finger me roughly. My cry only egged him on. He took off my clothes quickly and slipped inside me. He whispered in my ear how tight I was and how I liked it. I whimpered "no, no, no" over and over again. He flipped me over for doggy and after awhile he pulled out. He then forced himself in my mouth and made me swallow his load. I was praying he was done but I was wrong. After some bites on my neck, he started to play with my anus. I told him that was a definite no but he told me he was going to have all of me and I was going to like it. He penetrated me anally. I tried to move away but it only hurt more so I stayed still. I cried myself to sleep that night.
My family and closer girl friends never understood why all of a sudden I stopped talking to these guys. They don't know that even though years have passed, I still have nightmares of these instances. They don't know this secret of mine.They don't know I have been wary of guys and their intentions ever since. No one knows. But now you do. This topic is not easy to talk about and just as hard to admit it ever happened (trust me I know). But now I share it with you so you can be aware of the realness of rape and other forms of sexual assault. A great weight has been lifted sharing this and while it will not erase what has happened, confessing this dark secret has made me realize I am now strong enough to confront it and help those who may have gone through the same thing. Being sexually assaulted is not always done by a random stranger but more often a trusted friend. It is real and it can cause many unseen scars that will never fully heal.