Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Now, let me begin by saying I have 2 surviving children. Both were a complete surprise as I was told I would never be able to be able to get pregnant. My second child was a condom baby after we gave up trying to conceive after over a year of trying. To prevent any more surprises, I had my tubes tied the day after delivery.
Fast forward to today. I am remarried to a wonderful man. We acknowledged we would never be able to have children together and accepted each other’s children as our own... until my tubal failed.
First Miscarriage:
My first tubal failed a little over a year ago. I thought I was crazy having pregnancy symptoms and thought I must be peri menopausal. I asked for blood work and everything came back normal, except my pregnancy test, which they refused to check because there was no way I was pregnant. My hpt showed positive. Then came the hemorrhaging. My husband rushed me to the ER after I fainted in the store. They confirmed I did not have an ectopic pregnancy, but I was sent home to bleed. My husband had to care for me and the kids while I bled off and on over the course of 6 weeks. I was essentially bed ridden. He even had to give me showers. If I wasn’t so sick, I would have been embarrassed as we were newly engaged at this point.
The doctors finally did a pregnancy test a couple months later, but (of course) it was negative by this point. But during the months of waiting, we were scared with thoughts of possible cancer (all biopsies were negative). So we decided to speed up the wedding and married only 6 months later. (When you think you or your fiancé is dying, 6 months is a long time). The doctors finally decided I was having “hormone issues”.
Second Miscarriage:
A couple weeks after our “honeymoon at home”, I had pregnancy symptoms yet again and yet another positive test. I was going to tell my husband on his bday. That morning I began cramping. My husband went out celebrating his birthday by watching a movie. I lied to him and said I was sick and wanted to stay home. I cried from the pain and all I could take that was safe for pregnancy was a Tylenol. The pain was worse than labor. And lo and behold, that’s pretty much what it was as I found out an hour later. I locked myself in my closet and cried until I passed out from exhaustion. My husband drug me out when he got home.
I spoke with my new doctor regarding this issue. She balked at the previous doctors and their diagnosis of “hormone issues”. She stated I’d have to have the same hormone issues for 3 months in a row to have true hormone issues and the only issue she sees is my tubal is failing. Validation at last! But it came at a price...
I withdrew from him, my new husband. I gave him the option for an annulment. I was depressed. I was borderline suicidal, except I was worried about my living children. While some of you read this may judge me, please realize this is what can happen when hormone levels crash and mix with already sad emotions and physical exhaustion. I focused on crafts and books to occupy my brain prior to Christmas. It was especially hard because not only was my second miscarriage fresh, but my first one would have been due around that time.
Third Miscarriage:
I can’t tell you how much it’s affecting me right now as I’m currently going through it. I would have been 6 weeks pregnant today. We were super excited about it. I learned my lesson and kept him included from the very beginning so it’s been easier on me, but it’s harder on him this time. My fuse is super short with everyone and everything. I am angry with the world and even get upset with books and video games. I’ve cried 4 times already today and the kids are still awake.
Sex:
Sex was difficult after the second miscarriage, now that I knew what was going on. Sex reminded me of how I ended up pregnant to begin with. Sex reminded how I was supposed to be sterilized. Sex brought along all the “what if’s” my husband and I had dreamed about, but they could never be a reality. Now they were staring us in the face only to turn their back to us.
Orgasms... they were difficult to obtain to begin with. Now they’re neigh impossible due to stress or a lack of desire. Also, after that pregnancy test, I’m afraid to have an orgasm for fear of causing a miscarriage (irrational, I know).
I’m craving intimacy with my husband, but am dreading having sex again. We have to start out with condoms for risk of infection, which feels so non-intimate and when both are wanting to get pregnant, having the restrictions of having to use a condom is like adding salt to the wound.
Do we want to have a child together? Yes. Do we look forward to the day we can have sex and drink without worrying about a fetus involved? Yes. It’s a double edged sword.
Healing:
As I previously stated, intimacy is a must, even if sex is medically or emotionally off limits, the relationship needs it. (Read my other MyTake regarding relationships for ideas). Communication should be obvious. Ladies, your SO may not feel the same way. SO, please be patient with them.
My husband still pays attention to my tummy. I think I’d feel like he blamed me if he avoided it.
I am medical and even I have to remind myself that over 80% of miscarriages are caused from chromosomal anomalies. For years I’ve been comforting women telling them it’s not their fault for a miscarriage. Now I’m struggling to not blame myself.
Friends and Family:
Originally we didn’t tell anyone after my second miscarriage. My husband didn’t feel it was anyone’s business. However, my mother had told me to get over it, my step kids were glad the babies died (because they have too many siblings at their other house. The pain still hurts from being told that), and a mutual friend thought my husband was having an affair because he bought condoms. So I decided to go against my husband’s wishes and made a public announcement. It was long and painful, but also included that my tubal failed and we have to get condoms, so please don’t assume he’s having affairs. The outpouring support was what we needed to recover from our second miscarriage.
Decisions and emotions:
We have gone back and forth on deciding if we are going to try to have kids or not. When he decided absolutely not, I was crushed. He lasted a month. After this last miscarriage, we have decided we may try to save up for IVF. However, we don’t plan on telling anyone we’re going to do it. We are quitting before I reach 40. He gets snipped then.
A miscarrage can tear a couple apart or bring them closer together.
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