Intro:
This topic I hold very dear to my heart. This might actually be the most emotionally involved I have ever been on any myTake I have ever done on GAG. It means quite a bit to me, so sharing it will be quite hard. As these things affect me or have affected me a lot in life.
Not that the other things haven't. They are just easier to talk about it that makes sense.
These are the struggles and lessons I had to face while coming into my adulthood. As always, Enjoy or not. Both are welcomed.
1. Falling In Love With An Older Man
As some of you may know, not quite sure though. This is my sister's old account of which I've taken over and kind of changed up. I'm not 25, lol. I'm 18, and no that may not seem like much to many of you but it's been a long and hard life for me.
It feels like an eternity worth of living and this is only the beginning.
However, my point is, the love of my life right now is a man 23 years older than me. And we've known each other for about 2 years and a half.
It's honestly the best relationship I've ever had and I've been around. I met and have dealt with a ton of different people. No, not sexually but I've been around. The struggle that came with this is the stress of having feeling...mature enough.
It's not a pressure he ever puts upon me himself. However, I strive REALLY fucking hard to better myself so I can be a good woman. Not only for myself but for him. I never doubted my maturity before him, but the fear that I'm not enough for him in any way is a strong struggle I've had.
The only reason I'm able to handle that fear is the fact that he reassures me that I'm doing perfect and I'm not this huge mistake.
I hate feeling like his family might look at me as some young girl who's brainless and only serves as some "fuck toy." It's...a constant stressor. Inferiority weighs on my heart a lot. But I work through it by remembering my value and being okay with who I actually am.
He's a smart man, he wouldn't be with me if he didn't feel I was worth it, so you know? There's that.
2. Balancing Love & A Career
This one is so fucking hard, oh my god, lol. Balancing love and careers for my boyfriend and I is hard since we are at two totally different stages in life. He's more stable and set in his own way of life. Plus, he has this skin condition so he can only work at certain jobs. Mostly at home.
For me, it's only working from home when it comes to coming up with stories and Ideas for my work. However, I'm striving to be not only an author but a director. Plus, an officer in the military.
That being said, I'm always on the move or in a different place. I'm American and he's British. We can only travel to meet each other so much and it gets stressful. The question of sacrificing our relationship because of it has been recurring but we try to stick it through.
For me, it just sucks because I spend all day working long hours. And he's my best friend, not just my boyfriend. We talk every second we have the chance to. But it always feels like this rush for time.
Like this itch, you can't scratch. He's addicting to be around for me because we can talk about anything and he'll take me to another world with his thoughts.
It's just a struggle due to missing each other and always being on the move. We just deal with it the best we can. It's taught me to take things a step at a time and focus on the now.
3. Finding Peace Amongst Severe Isolation
I've been a loner most of my life. If not all of it. I'm used to not speaking so much and walking alone. I have always enjoyed my free time. But as I got older I felt the need to be more involved while still having some isolation.
See despite being to myself, I still like to be around people. It's interactive enough for me. Just watching and saying a few comments is all I needed.
But fuck, when you move out and you're alone. You're really alone. No siblings to annoy you or parents. Hardly any friends.
It's almost too quiet, and it bothers me so I end up having to cut on the tv for background noise, talking to my boyfriend, or coming on GAG when I'm too lonely to deal with struggle. Helping others and asking questions occupy my enough to help me not go insane and die from annoying myself.
4. Keeping Up With Health
This is a major struggle due to my eating disorder and the fact that I can be a lazy bum. Seriously, it's an inside joke that everyone who knows me really well knows. They all say my spirit animal is a sloth, and that I live in La La Land.
It's kind of true, in my personal life I can be really slow, daydreamy, and childlike. I forget about a lot of things or become too lazy so I have to put myself on timers and schedules. It's an annoying struggle to have but teaches me discipline.
5. Accepting I'm Always Gonna Be Crazy/Freak People Out
I've really come to terms with this by now. In person i'm very strange so I've been told. Given the way I dress, act, and more. Not only that but I'm pretty scrabbled brained every now and again. So accepting that and moving is something I had to deal with.
I might not always have a huge group of friends, which is a bother anyway.
But I'll gather the right small group that will be okay with who I am and vice versa. We'll be weird, crazy, and freakky togther and have the best of times hopefully. It just takes time.
6. Embracing Both My Background And Present Life
This is where the becoming verastile comes in. For so long I felt scared to embrace not only the well respected and modest version of myself but also the part of myself I know many people bash or overglamorize in media.
The part of me from projects/hood.
Durting my time in the projects I did adopt somethings as a way of survivial, and I think that's only natural. For example I still dresss a certain way sometimes and worry about staying on my grind.
I still have some slang here and there. How I write isn;t really how I talk casually, I speak pretty clear but I have a pinch of southern in my voice. I still ride out with family during emergencies if they call me. I still dance a certain way and listen to certain music sometimes. I have ties to some loved ones still in the projects and that is a part of how I became who I am today.
This giddy nerdy/geeky clumsy girl who is in love with a computer freak, astronromy, and overall space science fanatic.
For a long time I tried to hide those things about myself when it came to the new people that came into my life. I hated the steryotype of black women being ghetto, loud mouthed, Aggressive, ignorant, and "hood rats."
I thought that if I showed them only the part of me they'd be pleased with, aka, the wise, modest, and kind girl I knew they'd like they would change their minds and see past that. Till I realized I don't have to stick to one way of living or prove anything.
None of those parts of me that I can embody are all that I am. Only small parts.
It taught me to be versatile and open enough to do and act how I please without being so worried about peoples opinions on it. Sometimes I can dress/act like this-
Or like this.
Even this.
But all of that is okay. It's hard to except sometimes still. I expect backlash for it every now and again. It'' s still a struggle sometimes but it's taught a lot. And yeah, those are some of the stuggles I had becoming an "adult" or "young adult.
Love you GAG as always. I'll see if my next myTake should be kink, fetish, or tabbo related or things I think more men should do. You guys tell me which you'd want to read more.
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