As some of you may know, I recently got out of a "relationship." He was my BDSM Dominant, and we liked extremely kinky sex; collar and leash, anal, rough sex, bondage, blindfold, spankings, intense deepthroat BJs. After eight months with this guy--off and on--it ended up being about 5 months in total. I fell in love with him. He wasn't exactly "nice." He was tough, protecting, and quite dominant. In the beginning it was a lot of fun, actually! We would go out, get take-out, watch documentaries, makeout, have sex and drink. Why on Earth did he have me meet his friends if he didn't see this going anywhere? He was creative, intelligent, had his own place, loved music and could fix anything. He was a blue-collar, kinda trashy, gothic metalhead. I didn't care what people thought of him, because I liked him a lot!! Unfortunately, he was always broke. He had a big gas guzzling truck and a Harley. He never really took out his Harley, he just bragged about having it. Being a half hour away was okay while it was still pretty nice--on the regular. Though, not having my own place made things really difficult. Not having my license made it even worse. I feel as if he liked me, but didn't like the situation--and maybe didn't like me enough to continue driving so many miles just to have sex. Think of him as an occasional rider, but honestly true biker by heart. If I wanted food, I had to buy it myself. Though, he wouldn't even have enough for his food--so he wouldn't buy much. I gave him so much happiness...I went past my boundaries (not in an unhealthy way) because I wanted to get more experience sexually. He took my anal virginity...and we did fluid bonding...it was all new to me.
With this experience, I learned that you really can't change someone's feelings and goals. He didn't want a relationship with anyone and dreamed of being a bachelor forever. I kept going back to him because I never felt that strong of a sexual connection with anyone. I'm pretty sure I wasn't "in love" with him until this last time because it felt right (at least on my end). When we had sex without a condom...it felt so special. I never did this before, with anyone else. Though, he was too emotionally unavailable to love anyone and I am not in the best living arrangement, so this was pretty much doomed to fail eventually from the start. I'm not sure if I was special to him or not--but he pretty much meant the world to me. I don't think doing anything differently would have helped. It still would have ended eventually and I had to be okay with that. The last time we got physical I asked; "Did you have fun?" and he went "Fuck, yeah!" We had sex outside, he put a leash on me, he fucked me on a velvet quilt, it was so hot and sexy. This was the very very last time I would see him in person. The downfall occurred when I finally appeared attached to him, texting more, wanting to talk on the phone more often and getting excited about a future that didn't exist. It's strange because he didn't understand what happened. He couldn't take responsibility for why I fell in love with him.
Eventually, he then found some other girls and an old ex came back into his life. The kicker is that I LET him fuck other people. I didn't think he'd end it...pretty dumb...I know! :( I couldn't compare to someone like this. He went three weeks without seeing me at all, broke up with me...and I still haven't heard from him. I honestly want to tell him, "Thank You for showing me the best time, sexually. I learned how to deepthroat and realized how much I liked BDSM/rougher sex! I really cared for you!! I had one of the best summers in my whole life, because of this relationship." <3
Any advice...on how to get over someone who literally meant the world to me?
Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?!