Why I Am Coming to the Conclusion That I’m Most Likely Asexual and How it All Unfolded

Why I Am Coming to the Conclusion That I’m Most Likely Asexual and How it All Unfolded

So I am your typical twenty three year old woman. I work, finishing my Bachelors and pay a fair share of bills. Only one thing: your “average woman” is interested in intimacy. Wants to find a boyfriend. Have a group of friends. Live their life to the fullest. I don’t fall within this genre.

I have no friends, only a few acquaintances and that’s okay. When I was in high school, all of the people I considered friends at that time were interested in dating and hooking up with their crush. I only had one crush and that was my junior year. Not surprisingly, it didn’t turn into anything. I thought no one liked me and when I was a senior, a few guys seemed to actually show interest in me. I took it with a grain of salt and rejected them all. I thought it stemmed from being selective and would wait when someone of my preference popped up.

Let's flash forward to this year. I had my first short term relationship and had sex too. While I wasn’t completely attracted to his physical appearance, he had a great sense of humor and we shared a lot of common interests. The time came to discuss sex and let it happen naturally. It was terrifying. I cried when it happened. Painful. Sweaty. A lot of physical exertion.

We broke up a few months later. The “relationship” was long distance thanks to his job. Our conversations and being apart kept the anticipation to meet up stimulating. The more we saw each other, the more I doubted the progression of things. One night before our planned vacation, we had sex and I felt nothing. A lack of connection led us to go in different directions.

A few weeks ago, I began talking with a guy I met online. He seemed intelligent. Kind. Down to earth. Funny. A gamer. My kind of guy. We met up in person for the first time last week and things went well. We’ve been speaking everyday since that occurrence and met up yesterday for our second date. Since I always attributed my single status to being picky, I figured I would feel something more passionately compared to my ex because of his education and better looks. When we met up last night, that feeling that came over me when my ex and I had sex the last time presented itself. That daunting feeling of wanting to end the night as soon as possible.

I saw it coming. His attempt to kiss me. He ran his fingers through my hair and asked to kiss me. I said I couldn’t. I felt terrible for how things ended. He seemed like a good guy to have around and didn’t have an interest in keeping things platonic, as he was looking for a relationship. He thought I led him on and believed that I was looking for the same thing he was: a long-term partner. And I thought that’s what I wanted too. I am not usually the type to be conniving and attempt to hurt others intentionally. I had to let him know it wasn’t him, it was me and no other guy I met during this time frame was the cause of my aloofness. I cannot confirm whether or not he bought that.

I’ve never been sexually abused. I don’t masturbate. The closest thing to arousal is seeing a male celebrity I fancy or imagining being intimate with someone I believe I like, that guy I ended seeing yesterday was an example. I don’t know where this lack of sexual drive comes from. A fear of intimacy? Possibly. Am I gay? I don’t think so. Women are beautiful but I cannot see myself being intimate with one either. My Psychiatrist cannot fix me either. Comment below if anyone feels this way or knows of someone with similar traits. We are like unicorns and leprechauns, presumed to be non-existent.


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Most Helpful Guys

  • I don't think your asexual because you say in a way you see guys attractive, just you don't feel you want intimacy like to have sex with them. Even If you don't feel attracted to a guy or anyone else that dosn't mean you are asexual. There might be some other reasons that you are not attracted to any gender. So what I don't feel all the time if I want to be intimate with girls.. That just normal. Maybe it might be your life style. Do you live an active life style? It might be lack of energy or some other things.

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    • Why do you think I’m not attracted to men at the moment? You made it sound as if I’m over exaggerating my “asexual” label.

  • It sounds like the will is there through imagination but you shut down when real. I don't know if this applies but I knew a pretty girl that seemed to be very interested but she at the last second turned me down. Over time she continued to avoid boyfriend s and to this day is experiencing I think something similar. She is extremely fussy about small things making sure everything is lined up and I wonder if she has OCD or has some Asperger's or autism. Are you sure that you aren't depressed because that is a major killer of sex drive. For example, Atypical Depression is commonly misdiagnosed and not well understood while Dysthymia you would know if you had. Anyways, good luck.

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    • I do have an anxiety disorder and “ocd tendencies”. However, the ocd has not been diagnosed for the exception of being a hypochondriac. I can be a pessimist which is affiliated with depression but I don’t believe I’m clinically depressed.

    • “anxiety disorder” this is one of the toughest ones and “pessimist which is affiliated with depression” (even mild) when compounded together could very possible kill sex drive. I would self study that anxiety and try to correlate what thoughts bring it on because I wonder if when you are on the spot sexually the anxiety flares and combined with low sex drive possibly due to very mild depression are both working against you.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I only started being intimate with guys at 23 too and I don't feel anything yet either. It's hard for me to let go and show arousal when hooking up, but I'm trying to get there. I do like making out with hot guys, but the first time I kissed a guy I actually got nauseous. I'm actually kinda glad I'm over the age of butterflies and feelings and see everything pretty rationally when connecting with a guy even if he's physically hot too. It probably stems from me feeling shame about liking guys when talking to other people as a kid or a teenager. For some reason I thought those kinda topics or crushes were taboo. I now know better but sometimes when I hang out with a hot guy, I still see like minor flaws that turn me off and I'm always left wondering why I'm not all about his looks when he obviously looks amazing. I've just gotten so used to suppress all kinda sexual interest or love interest so I'm always on guard. But I'm sure witgj experience it'll go away. I couldn't see myself making out with someone whom I don't find attractive. Usually when a hot guy kisses me, he's drunk but I still take it as a compliment and enjoy it if he's a good kisser and smells nice lol.

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    • So you’re mostly into casual relationships (hook-ups)? Is that your preference?

    • I have very high standards for someone to be in a relationship with. We would need to connect insanely well, have a lot in common, basically be soul mates and he needs to be my type.
      So if a guy is hot but we're not connecting on a personal level I'd probably only hook up with him because I value my singleness and independence too much to just give it up like that.

  • Hm. I'm not gonna completely dismiss the possibility of you being asexual because I've been in that seat myself (wondering if I am asexual, that is). But it does seem like this might stem from something else. You mentioned pretty early on that you don't really have any friends, only acquaintances, which bring me to believe you might have a hard time connecting with people in general. You also mentioned feeling a lack of connection while having sex with your ex. And the way you describe the most recent guy also feels very disconnected. When you described him, you didn't describe how he actually made you *feel*. You described characteristics that make him charming and "your type", but did he actually charm you?
    You might want to look into demisexuality. I'm demisexual, and it took me around 18 years to figure it out, because I just hadn't had a deep enough connection with anyone to the point where I felt sexually attracted to them. I thought for years that I was asexual because I had never really felt sexually attracted to anyone and the thought of having sex with someone made me feel horrified. But then I found someone I really connected with, and suddenly all the puzzle pieces fell into place.
    So maybe don't give up just yet. Take one step at a time. Maybe start from the "beginning" by just making a couple of close friends. Try to connect with people, even if just platonically, and see where it takes you.

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    • So you thought you were asexual but finally found someone that you connected with? So you’re sexually actively but with someone you genuinely care about, causing you to be labeled demisexual? That’s possible.

    • Yup, pretty much.

    • Whoops. Sexually active*

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What Guys Said 59

  • I'd guess there's some mental block you have. Mental blocks are exceedingly common and extraordinarily inhibiting with women, in my experience. You having a particularly strong one would be out of the ordinary in intensity, but not conceptually. Most women have similar issues, in my experience. Just to varying degrees.

    After all, sex is high risk for women. You could legit die if you have sex. That creates anxiety, which must be counteracted via trust and the belief that the male is worth the risk, which requires proofing. Regardless of the means of birth control and prevention, it's an instinctual fear which can cause inhibitions to be raised.

    Incidentally, I'd be curious what effect alcohol would have on your sexual preference. Force the inhibition to be lowered and see what happens.

    The fact that seeing male celebrities does cause some semblance of sexual interest suggests to me that you are not asexual.

    As for being gay, women are very fluid when it comes to sex. You could try women, but where men either are or are not gay from an early age and never--or very, very rarely--change, women switch between much more easily, according to an expert on sexual behavior, Dr. Martie Haselton. Even full-on lesbians can just switch back to being straight or back and forth. In any case, this is why there's a ton of women who are bi, rather than outright lesbian or straight.

    My thoughts are that you require either a high status male or an especially socially intelligent male or a male who has a lot of experience exciting and interesting women. Most guys aren't particularly good at exciting women. But hey, if you simply lack the desire, there's a lot of people who would be jealous. Like me. Is it something that you want or something you just want to understand? You say your psychiatrist cannot "fix" you, so I take it you see yourself as broken?

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  • Have you ever been with a skilled lover before. By that I mean one who knows that a woman's arousal takes longer and needs more foreplay? Lightly brushing you w/ fingertips to start, probably using his tongue nex. Slowly coming to life under his caresses and allowing you to feel the pleasure of an orgasm (s) before he thinks about his desire?
    Are you wet when looking at an attractive guy or girl? Do you often get wet, if so your body is responding but your mind isn't. Do you take SSRIs like paxil. prozac et al? That can kill your desire.

    You are very attractive and fashionable. Most often it would be llack of desire, probably from chemicals. Anything narcotic, opioids, anti-depression etc.

    Have you ever had a hormone panel done by a competent endocrinologist? Women also have testosterone and that is what is responsible for their sexual arousal. Their bodies just don't show the effects of it as it does in men due to estrogen and other hormonal deficits. Dopamine is the ":pleasure neurotransmitter, it promotes sesire. Since it is responsible for desire, people take dopamine re-uptake inhibitors like cocaine or ritalin, allowing more dopamine to accrue in your synapses/ Other drugs like amphetamine, or it's meta- cousin meth amphetamine ( rarely used by medical community but available as Schedule II drug in the form desoxyn. I'm going overboard with analysis here. I;d be happy to discuss it more - no dick pictures included- privately should you want to.

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  • I think first of all you feel guilty for the last guy becouse you two were actually getting along really good and this thing happened somehow you wanted to have a sexual intercourse with him but your mind/soul was not in the mood. I believe you are too stressed over this and should chill a bit also it is not only your fault I mean the guys seem pretty eager to get to actions too. I think you should actually try to find somebody out there who doesn't want sex not in the first month, not in the first year maybe not even in the first few years, somebody who just lets you be comfortable with yourself and if you want them they will feel it not just be horny and not able to control themselves in the end I do believe nobody needs to hurry things with you. Asexual is more of a thing I do not think it is important if you are or not I am not sure why you try to quickly label yourself, does it matter if you are asexual or not? I mean it is still you and should embrace the natural you and who you are without overthinking who you are it is not that is any kind of bad thing whatever you are.

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  • Sounds like a hormonal imbalance. It's quite unusual to have absolutely "zero" sex drive, but it also sounds like you're afraid. Not just afraid of intimacy, you're A F R A I D of everything and anything unknown. BUT... if that turns out not to be true, and you just have no interest in sex or physical intimacy and still feel like a whole person, then fuck it. Be that way and be happy with it.

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  • Stop condemning yourself. You are not obligated to a certain behavior. Get out and stay out of the game until you have your degree and are established in your career. Develop non relationship interests and make them matter. Revisit relationships when one comes to you and make yourself accessible to one through your interests. The issue of sex can be resolved if the right guy comes along. Tell him the truth but tell him you would like to work through it with him.

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  • So you're asexual. So what? There are quite a few asexuals in the world, and it's no longer some taboo word. Embrace your asexuality and live life on your own terms. Nothing to be worried about at all.

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  • You take yourself too seriously. And your picker is awful.
    When or if you ever find the RIGHT guy it will all come together. In the meantime this is all a bunch of gobbledy-gook - just a bunch of feelings and emotions swirling around in your head - of which any connection to reality is fleeting.

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  • I disagree with it!..
    Unless proven with psychological analysis!..

    You just need the right kind of men!..
    Who know correct coding sequence to enter the "Launch codes" to set off your missiles of pleasure!.

    Please PM me I will love to see your perception of world without sexual pleasure

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  • well it sounds like to me your just a loner. and is scared f getting close yet anyone did your parents divorce because that could be the problem especially if your “favorite parent“ because one had to leave I know this because I have always been scared of anybody close to me

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  • i knew a girl like this, i told her to start lifting and eating read meats one to two times a day (steak and stuff) she said it fixed her, and something you should do is get your hormones checked and just cuz the doc says there fine doesn't mean there fine, ask for a copy and upload a pic of it on reddit,(cover your name and such) and tell them your problem and ask people if you'r levels are good, post it in a fitness reddit thread where its meant for juiceheads. anyways i hope that helps.

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    • You shouldn’t eat red meats no more than three times per week. You’re leading her down a path towards an increased risk in cancer, especially colon.

    • there is no free lunch, its a trade of, in those study's people who eat MacDonalds are put together with people who eat healthy meats, so it's not as dangerous as most people think, if your eating steak you don't need to worry about that like you would if your eating fast food meats, besides carbs are what kill people not meats, look into the keto diet, you eat meat almost every meal and everyone i know that does it is 50 times healthier than most people i know, besides carbs cause cancer much more than eating meat's do.

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What Girls Said 27

  • I wish I can say I feel for you but I'm quite your opposite as I have a high sex drive. Yet, I can surely tell you that what you're going through doesn't make you any less of a woman. However, I truly hope you'll find a way to get over this because enjoying a loving man's touch is absolutely wonderful & priceless.

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  • I thought asexuals have no sexual feeling what so ever. It could be that you have a low sex drive maybe. If the thought of a male celebrity arouses you then maybe you're not asexual.
    I could be wrong though.

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  • there is nothing wrong with you I feel because I know what you are going through with I would be sitting and thinking I would love to be in a relationship but when the opportunity presents it's self i'm out I will any excuse for not dating guys like I will find something I do not like about him and hide behind life being too busy to actually date. so you are pretty normal in your own unique and crazy way

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  • I feel much of the same way. I just feel like you haven’t found the one yet, the one that makes your heart leap, the one you’d be happy to do everything with more. The one U’ll fall deeply in love with.

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    • That’s highly possible. I've considered that. Not too sure yet.

  • So have they tested your hormones? Those are what gives us the urge to have sex. Without them we'd all be asexual. I love sex sometimes and sometimes I really couldn't care less. I literally sometimes do not want an orgasm.

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  • I wouldn't have sex on the second date too, but I wouldn't call myself asexual. Make sure you fa for someone before trying sex and you'll see the difference... Just because you don't feel confortable sleeping with a strangers doesn't mean you are asexual. Why would allow someone inside you without allowing them into your heart? I don't fall for anyone either, you can't force love, it either comes or not.

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    • I wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping with a guy I have no feelings for and many people wouldn't either. That should be the decent thing to do opposed the our hookup culture where sleeping with strangers is a norm.

  • i know someone who is like that. there are also several types asexual people. demi-sexual and gray-sexual. read on it, or maybe you've just not met the person you want and you're biding your time.

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  • You are not gonna enjoy sex if you don't masturbate. This helps you learn your body in what turns you on. That way you know how to relax yourself. If you can't relax you can't orgasm. I think you need more practice before you call yourself asexual.

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  • The sex with your ex did not wind kkke ut’ Happened naturally’ it was painful and sweaty and gross... there nkt baryeal. Natural doesn’t mean we had sex bc it was tine. Letting it happen naturally means we had sex bc it felt right and everyone was comfortable and we’d been working up to it physically - not just talking about it- long enough that there was minimal to no pain.

    You may be asexual but I would not cone thet conclusion based on feeling traumatized by really horrible first sex experience.

    Also, many women do not want sex and still have friendships. And many women do not feel comfortable with intimacy but still love sex. And thre is way more to people than how many friends they have or if they are virgins. It’s not necessary to put yourself or others in a silo to figure out what makes you tic 😊😁

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  • I think it's maybe because you had a bad first experience. Maybe try it again or just be asexual if that suits you best. Either way is fine.

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    • I mean a bad experience could definitely have affected things but if I feel no physical attraction then there’s not much I can do.

    • That's true. Just be happy with whatever YOU like. If you don't want sexual relations that's totally fine. c:

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