My response to "Demisexuality: How it works as an adult."

Hi guys and gays

This will be more of a disorganized rant than a structure myTake.

So we can all forget I'm like this, after this is all said and posted. K?

I usually don't like expressing my sexuality (actually I've brought it up 3 times today, yikes, but that's not a usual thing)

But I need to write a myTake on a recent one done about demisexuality because ... It's a bit weird.

So I'm going to make this myTake called...

Please don't make Demisexuality into a personality trait.

My response to

Ok so I'm demisexual and the previous myTake I was talking about is a little misleading.

So with a VERY simple way of explaining this...

There are at least 2 types of attraction.

Primary attraction...

If a straight man see's a woman's leg, he gets a tingly peepee.

Straight woman sees a man's broad shoulders, and or (whatever she finds attractive) she gets all horny as well.

Primary attraction is purely visual sexual attraction, which is the default deciding point in how we, as a species, make an attempt, to BONE.

And secondary attraction.

Secondary attraction is not a sex (or even gender) specific thing, but it is important in socialization with this person of interest.

Normal sexual behavior allows your physical attraction to enhance your view of this person as a potential leading to secondary attraction.

Example: "Omg her ass is so fucking smooth, and she's also pretty funny too, so now I want to fuck her even more!"

So quick summary.

Primary attraction has to do with visual appeal of someone (which by the way it doesn't really matter if they are male or female) that makes you approach them in the first place.

And secondary attraction has to do with aspects of someone's projected character and charisma (basically personality and morals)

Demisexuality relies on secondary attraction, first and foremost.


No, and it's not an orientation either.

It's a form of sexual behavior.

Now many people say all the time "Lol I don't care about a person's looks, I only care about their personality" like a true cerebral deity.

Demisexuals don't really have a choice in that matter.

We literally do not see a girl/boys sexually appealing features and think "dayum, I want him/her to choke me" or some shit like that I don't know. We do not act based on that, we take a person's mannerisms, their social standing, and take it to heart. We start forming more of a connection, and we start developing a new feeling for them.

Now we begin to notice those features, because we share a connection with them.

That girl you've been talking to, who's been great to you. You start to really enjoy the way she smiles, and by proxy, her whole face, then her whole body. Then you start to give every type of shit about their body we never did before. How smooth their skin was, how cute their hair is. How hypnotizing their figure is. It becomes so much more personal to you.

The connection is what triggers us even CONSIDERING boning these people. Regular sexual psychology (including gays and lesbians) involves factors of people deciding whether or not they find a person attractive withing the first 30 seconds of seeing and meeting them.

Demisexuality is... Much more different. We will not approach you because we think you're attractive, nor will we look twice at you if we've never even heard your name before. Demisexuals will not see something sexually appealing to the average person and say "um... Damn." we are incapable of such things

Demisexuals don't really do that because (and I know this sounds fucked up) but we kind of see you as bags of useless meat (sexually at least) , even if we know your name, race, and interests.

If anything, flaunting around us sexually, (no matter the sex) is annoying, and not in the ways you may think.

So as an example, a very attractive woman starts walking around in a corner store naked.

Straight dude thinks : "Oh wow, is anyone else noticing her? What the fuck it's so weird?" or "what a slut" or "wow what a hero, providing the goods" depending on their personality.

What a demisexual dude thinks: "How long are people going to take ringing this girl up? Why are people trying to talk to her now? We get it, she's naked, give her a medal!"

It's kind of the same thing with the genders reversed, only some women may feel threatened because the dick being out potentially means using it without consent.

It's all about social association.

Because I've been asked this question before.

"If a perfect 10 (nice way to describe women I know) walked up to you, said that she wants to fuck you, would you do it, even if there were no consequences for it?"

And my answer is always going to be no.

The reason being, is because a random woman approaching me and asking to fuck me, is just that sentence to me. That's it. I don't have a single string attached to this person in order to WANT to please her, I don't take pride in her attempting to please me. I have to have the desire to gain a social response or change from this. It's purely psychological in the fact that she could be butt naked and my dick would be softer than a memory foam dildo.

It is not an orientation, I may be demisexual, but I am still not sure what actual sexual orientation I am. Nor do I care. Dicks are gross to me, but muscle ain't a bad thing no matter then sex.

Jesus I'm just gonna make a Meme of myself at this point.

So the wrap up is that it is not about your mental response to making out.

What your MyTake seem to describe is just psychological behavior in response to sex. You're talking about morality, not sexuality.

If I was put into the situation with making out with some person out of nowhere, I would literally feel nothing. I wouldn't generate any sort of stimuli unless I knew whom I was receiving the stimulus from. It's a familiarity issue and it's essentially your brain attempting to cock block you, and is most likely a result of sexual desensitization to the point of needing familiarity to satisfy your sexual needs.

This has been Sketch, and I hope you've taken time to not give a shit about whether or not I'll bang you.

I'll describe Demisexuality with a single analogy, that will be bound to confuse people and associates themselves with demisexuality, even when in reality, they're just straight people with trust issues.

Being demisexual is like needing to connect to the wifi in a building in order to use the internet at all. And the more you sign into it the more likely you are to automatically sign in to the wifi. Then all of the sudden your want to fuck your router.

Shitty metaphor but it's the best I've got.


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What Girls Said 21

  • I know a guy with trust issues who will fuck anyone. What does that say about him? Demi-sexual just sounds like someone who is old-fashioned and tries to get to know people WELL before they get serious with them... how is it different than that?

  • Nice take
    Im demisexual and I compeletly aggree with you
    and no this is not a choice

    I see thousands of dudes being cathegorized as "hot", but I do not get attracted to them unless I talk to them and if they dont sound logical Im like " FU Im out " ,. like its a BIG turn off for me.

    Forexample :
    A super hot guy , comes and tells me hi
    what will I think?
    " Just a normal F'cking dude, idc"
    And then he starts talking about his visions, his ambitions, his values
    thats when My p*ssy gets wet if he sounds logical

    if a man is like "hot" but tells me stuff like " Oh I believe this type of race is not good because of this and this ", Imma turn OFF. Like OFF

    And Im not a person who has less sexual desires than anyoneelse, if something its probably more than the average, but I just cannot be with people that I dont have a connection with because that is the same thing as having sex with someone u are not attracted to , and it makes me sick to my stomach.

    Thats why I cannot do onenight stands and stuff like that. I have to connect with him/her on a spiritual level before I can express it on a physical level

    • A super hot guy - Why you called him hot when you are unable to feel sexually attracted before emotional connection? Why hot? Why not ugly?

      How can you find someone hot?

    • Show All
    • I would say appearance still comes into account though
      Let's say th they are really fat they obviously don't care about their own health
      And if they are super ripped chances are they are probably a bit self absorbed

    • @GirlfromSweden97 I knew that you are a dude.

  • Great my take i was actually waiting for someone to create somethibg like this, but im demisexual, and i found out because when im around friends, they always ask me "hey do you think that guy is cute" and i wouldn't have anything to say because i dont have a connection with that person. But long story short, i also realized that any guy i end up liking is my friend.

  • This could be why all of my boyfriends were completely to each other in how they look.
    My friends get all worked up over male strippers and I don't really care for them at all.
    I need connection to feel any kind of desire for anyone, even my husband.

  • I feel I can connect with anyone within seconds. It's a different thing if we're on the same page or not. I feel like I know just everyone because I see everyone as one head, two arms, two legs and a personality. People aren't all that fascinating. . . we are all so different but we're also the same

  • That is a very great Take and as someone being gray romantic I understand what you mentioned exactly.

  • Interesting read, thank you. I especially appreciate that you pointed out that demisxuality is not an orientation, because I often see people (especially ones who self-identify as demisexuals) act like it was. It's still a sub-category of orientation, because as a demisexual you're still either straight or bi or gay or whatever.

    Anyway, it's hard for me to put myself in the shoes of demisexuals, but I find it very important to realize that we're all different when it comes to these things. None is better or worse than the other.

  • 6d

    That... Actually explains a few things. Huh

    A lot of the previous definitions I've read have had points that have made me... Eeh no im not that.

    I dont find people attractive or ugly, theyre just people. I am a fan of meeting people online, because i can read through their profile and i can judge them based on that and the QUALITY of their pics, rather than just what they look like.

    I can tell if someone might be considered good looking, i know what qualities to look out for to judge if somebody is good looking or not, but its not something i feel the need to do other than to nod and agree that "yeah theyre pretty" when somebody asks.

    But at the same time im a very sexual person. I will sleep with someone the first day i meet them, (at the same time this has only happened with people i met online and have spoken with extensively) and i am noticing that the guy im currently seeing is becoming more attractive to me the more i see him.

  • Thank you for speaking my mind. If I wasn't this lazy...

  • Makes sense to me and very good rant.

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What Guys Said 19

  • 7d

    So, just to clarify, you care only about the romantic/personality aspect of a person? I mean that literally is the only way one can be demisexual otherwise your just a person who doesn't like casual sex (which is a lot of people). So if that is the case if the person had the perfect personality and you got to know them very well you would find this attractive:
    qwizzy. s3. amazonaws. com/uploads/quiz/image/791/1491032929-4-0028-5491/IMG_0211. PNG

    Because if that is not the case, again, your not demisexual (as by definition: A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a emotional connection.) as you absolutely care about and are attracted to people physically, you just prefer a romantic connection over the physical which is basically most of the population (I believe the break down for women is 60/40 and for men 40/60). Also by the definition of demisexual you would not find any one unattractive as you are starting from a neutral position of indifference.

  • Those people who want to frame this disposition as a cute and moral thing haven't thought it through.
    When people want to feel attractive, maybe not sleep with you but at least be affirmed, you can't actually get it from the demi.
    Like: "It doesn't matter what you do, how you dress or how you behave, I can't even see you as a sexual being. Only if we really knew each other, but that's a big maybe".
    If the demi flirts back with you, it's an abject lie and an act, out of politeness so you don't have to feel insecure. If you knew what went on in his head, or rather what didn't, you'd feel both embarrassed and insulted.
    If the demi isn't socially skilled enough to do this or simply doesn't care to play along, you'd probably quickly convince yourself that he must be gay (or straight if it's same sex), but you'd be wrong about that.

    Being objectified sexually is an often debated topic, but the funny thing is that this is the polar opposite. A demi rather desexualises you, and when people know it, they usually don't like it either.

    • I should have mentioned flirting to be honest. I have pretended to flirt back and it has been very obvious I don't care/ don't buy into it, because I have the mentality that it doesn't work on me, so why would it work on anyone else.

    • It’s an interesting topic in the case of demis.
      I’ve read a definition somewhere that play flirting between people is essentially low level sex, even though it doesn’t mean these people would actually sleep with each other. I agree with that definition and it makes sense then why it feels so bad if someone we don’t like try to start this up with us, or goes about it in a stupid way.

      But for you, it must be strange to be dragged into this when it does absolutely nothing to you, good or bad? You can either pretend to be in on it for social reasons/politeness, or you can choose to ignore it and risk letting someone walk away with the feeling ”Hey ugly. Did you really think you were attractive lol”.

  • I think a lot a people are in the same place - Am I demisexual or just a sensitive soul that needs to connect deeply romantically with someone before you take the next step with them while being primarily/visually possibly only towards one gender does confuse the labels.

  • First I'd like to ask if "primary" and "secondary" attraction are some official terms for this? And If not why not just call it like physical attraction vs mental attraction?

    Second, would you be able to get sexually attracted to anyone no matter how obese, deformed, ugly, etc. they were? As long as they had a great personality obviously.

    Is demisexuality some form of asexuality? Cause honestly that's what the first 2/3rds of your description sound like.

    • No, demisexuals experience secondary attraction first. We don't notice anything about an individual based on appearance to even slightly decide if we'd be interested. We can make a decision based on their appearance after we have adjusted to their personality.

    • "We can make a decision based on their appearance after we have adjusted to their personality."

      Do you not see the huge contradiction in that tho? It shows that you are indeed capable of making decisions about looks. Just makes it seem like this whole thing is more of a mental block rather than your inherent sexuality.

    • It's just terminology related to the mental processes (which is a huge contributor to sexuality) meaning that familiarity is not something I decide, is something my body reacts to. The sexual orientation aspect of is, is not a thing. It's sexual behavior, not orientation, meaning that its terminology for the sexual psychology, not physiology.

  • Demisexual?
    Jesus H. Fucking Christ... smdh

    You freaks just keep coming up with new shit every other day.

    It's sickening

  • I think ur just saying you are not shallow and need more than sexual physical attraction and connection to even consider or tune into sex... like ur brain is just wired differently to not react to the overt physically sexual visual stimuli...

  • I'd say just keep your sexuality to yourself and pursue who you are attracted to every single slightly different sexuality doesn't need a name just do what you wanna do

  • I never understood this before you explained it, and now I do.

    Very well written.

  • I'm especially interested with demisexuality in men, since men tend to be the more visual part in the mating and relationship process.

  • Fascinating.

    I'm curious, what other aspects of the human condition do you have trouble relating to because of a fundamental difference in your interpretation of external stimuli? For example, many of us respond to the death of loved in one of several generally predictable outward manifestations of their grief; anger, numbness, depression, sorrow, etc. However, there are a scattered few that manifest none of the normative characteristics because their is no feeling of grief to begin with. I'm not saying this is you, I'm just trying to provide a frame of reference.

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