My Thoughts on the Role Sex Plays in Relationships...

My Thoughts on the Role Sex Plays in Relationships...Source: https://samaraspeaks.wordpress.com/tag/slut/

So I’ve been pretty harsh towards people who’ve had sex with more than one partner both here and in my daily interactions off of GaG, but I often feel like my position is misunderstood. I’ve tried to word my thoughts a number of ways but it never really seems to stick with whomever I’m speaking to, and more often than not I get arguments and insults from others instead of a sense of mutual understanding. I figured since I’ve tried (and perhaps failed) to explain myself on here enough times I’d post a MyTake to try and work through a proper explanation.

I’d like to start by saying that I’ve never had sex before for one reason or another. My past relationships never lasted long enough for us to get to that far, and I don’t have such luck with women that I burn through relationships like other guys seem to. I know guys who are constantly swarmed with women and their biggest issue seems to be micromanaging their many relationships; not forming them. I also steadfastly refuse to pay for sex or to participate in casual hook-ups. You could argue that I’m choosing to remain a virgin by avoiding those options, but I don’t really think that’s a bad thing for a few reasons.

My first reason (and this is the one I usually go to in discussions) is that fundamentally, sex is for reproduction; pleasure is a perk. We as a species desire sex to ensure that we’ll reproduce and continue the existence of the human race, and realistically reproduction is a pain in the ass. Women often go through hell during pregnancy/child birth and raising kids is a lot of work. They’re constantly needy, expensive, they leak everywhere and for the first few years they take far more than they’re able to give back. There’s objectively very little reason for any sane person to choose to have children, yet we still do because ultimately we’re driven to have sex by our instincts. The opportunity for immense pleasure during intercourse is merely the carrot at the end of the stick that gets us to have offspring.

My Thoughts on the Role Sex Plays in Relationships...

In recent decades pleasure seems to have become the primary objective during sex for the majority of people, and reproduction has come to be considered optional. I’d estimate this is partly due to the advent of birth control and partly because of the cultural shift around sex that took place in the ‘60s and ‘70s, but whatever the reason it seems to me like the common approach to sex is something like “Wear a condom/take the pill during sex so we can have fun without worrying about getting pregnant”. I can’t help but think a mindset like that is unhealthy and irresponsible, since the risk of pregnancy is ever present so long as sex occurs; the pill isn’t 100% effective and condoms work 100% of the time as long as they don’t break (which is relatively common). I’ve heard counter arguments like “Just pull out” or “Get a vasectomy/tubal ligation” but both of these are sub-optimal solutions as far as I’m concerned. No matter how determined you are to pull out I guarantee that sooner or later you’ll screw up (be it accidental or not), and that method doesn’t protect against STDs.

The whole “sterilize yourself so you can sleep around” argument sounds somewhat insane to me too. It’s essentially saying “subject yourself to surgery to make your life more enjoyable”. You mine as well argue “Amputate your legs so you don’t have to worry about leg room on airplanes, and you can skip the line at Disney Land. “ Sure, you’ve improved your quality of life a little, but you also forfeit the use of your legs, or your reproductive system depending on which type of lunatic you are. Additionally, I’ve heard many of the Pro Choice advocates argue that abortion should be readily available in the event a woman unwillingly gets pregnant. While I don’t really want to get into that type of debate I can’t help but think that those same women would be spared from dealing with unwanted pregnancies if they just chose not to have sex in the first place. It all seems backwards and too damn irresponsible to me. From my perspective I don’t want to have sex with a woman who is or has been comfortable with taking those types of risks or who doesn’t see these issues with promiscuity.

My Thoughts on the Role Sex Plays in Relationships...

I think that’s where people usually take issue with my stance, and they’ll assume that I think women who sleep with more than one man are somehow defective or worth less than ones who devote themselves to one man. If that’s the impression you’ve gotten by now then I ask you to re-examine what I’ve written because that’s simply not the case. I certainly don’t find women like that to be attractive and it’s a major turn off, but my standards for what’s attractive or what I want in a relationship are just that.

There’s another issue that’s contributed to my approach to one’s sexual behavior that seems somewhat separate to me; I can’t figure out how it’s related to what I’ve already described, if it’s related at all. The best way I can think to explain it is with this analogy: While I’ve never had sex, I have kissed girls before. The closest I’ve had to a serious relationship was my girlfriend in high school, and while it was ultimately a fairly childish relationship we went out for 6 months before things fell apart. To be blunt, she wasn’t a good kisser (although this had nothing to do with our breakup). Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) I didn’t have anything to compare her to. At the time I’d never really kissed anyone apart from pecks on the cheek, so it didn’t take a lot for me to achieve some form of satisfaction. After we broke up and some time passed I ended up kissing another girl in a sort of impulsive situation, and she was MUCH better at it.

I hadn’t realized how bad my ex was at kissing until I kissed the second girl, and to this day I haven’t had another kiss like that. Years later I dated another girl and while she was better at kissing than my first girlfriend, she wasn’t as good as the second girl. I realize I’m probably coming off as a cute little kid getting worked up over kissing but the reason I’m mentioning all of this is to illustrate how my line of reasoning has shifted having kissed multiple girls. With my first girlfriend I had nothing to compare her to, so even though she was bad at kissing I was content with that. I didn’t think she was that bad at it at the time, and as a result of my ignorance I never felt like I was missing out. I was never caught reminiscing about how I wished she was as good a kisser as someone else. Lately I can’t help but assume that this shift in mindset applies to sex as well as kissing. I’ve had multiple people try to tell me that “Sex with different people is just different, not better or worse” but I call bullshit. I don’ t see how that’s possible from what I’ve experienced so far, and I’m too suspicious to take their word for it and risk finding out the hard way that I was right from the beginning.

Just the thought of dating a girl who’s thinking about how her ex was better than me is enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. Even if she told me that I was the best she had, there’s no way I could genuinely believe that. Sure it could be true, but if it weren’t she wouldn’t tell me “The last 3 guys I fucked were better than you” unless she was trying to be malicious. The only way I can think of to escape being compared to other guys is if there’s no one for her to compare me to, and frankly I don’t want to have anyone to compare her to either. I don’t want either of our past relationships to have such an impact on our present ones. Furthermore if our ex-relationships affect our current ones to such an extent then to me that undermines the entire point of a monogamous relationship in the first place. If I were in bed with a girl and she were thinking “I wish he’d fuck me like my ex did” or I thought “I wish she’d act the way my ex did” then are we really just with each other? It seems to me like that’s us in bed with each other and the memories/experiences from ex boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time.

My Thoughts on the Role Sex Plays in Relationships...

As I said before I don’t know if or how these two points are related, but at the same time it’s very hard for me to separate them. I guess the best summary of both issues I can think of is the following: Sex has three major components; Reproductive utility (from my first point), physical pleasure (also from my first point), and emotional attachment (from my second point). Regardless of the nature of the type relationship (casual, monogamous, amorous) the risk of pregnancy is ever present so long as sex is had (assuming there’s no sterilization shenanigans involved). To have sex (despite the risk) and be unwilling to act responsibly in the event of pregnancy is something I consider to be morally reprehensible. I don’t believe men should be having sex if they’re unwilling to stay with the woman should she get pregnant, and I don’t believe a woman should have sex if she doubts the reliability of the man she’s with. I think men who get women pregnant and bail are the scum of the earth, and I think women who spread their legs for those men are equally guilty. Just as it’s a man’s responsibility to stand by his woman, it’s the woman’s responsibility to be cautious about who or what goes into her body. Now, by this point your response might be “Hold on, women don’t just fuck whoever they want regardless of whether or not the men are scum bags. Sometimes they don’t know that they’re being taken advantage of until it’s too late. It’s not their fault.” To which I say “bullshit”. To claim that women are incapable of making the distinction between loyalty and lies is an insult to women’s intelligence. To claim that women are so gullible and defenseless that they can’t properly judge the intentions of others robs them of their agency and any responsibility for their actions. I’ve heard this type of argument many times over and this time I’m addressing it beforehand so I won’t have to be furious about it later. So humor me and assume for a moment that what I’ve said up until now is correct and then ask “What are the most optimal conditions for a sexual relationship?”

When I asked myself that same question this is what I came up with: Both the man and the woman should wait to have sex until they’re both willing to commit to each other – meaning that their relationship is important enough to both of them that rather than breaking up they’d rather work to stay together though any issues that may arise. Furthermore, both the man and the woman are fully aware of the other’s boundaries and desires and both parties are dedicated to respecting the other’s wishes (for instance I cannot forgive cheating or betrayal under any circumstance, and I expect the woman I chose to spend my life with to not only understand this but to make an active effort to avoid cheating or betraying me. Should she have concerns of her own I believe I’m obligated to respect them as well).

I suppose the simplest way to say all of this is “I think it’s wrong to have sex outside of a committed relationship, and [generally] the only way you’d be in a position to have sex with more than one person is if you had sex outside of a committed relationship.” Personally I can’t trust that a woman will honor her commitment to me if she’s broken her commitment to another man in the past. That’s not to say that she’s incapable of commitment, but none the less I can’t help but doubt a woman like that. A few lines up I wrote ‘[generally]’ to account for another counter point I’ve heard in response to what I’ve said so far, and it’s probably the best counter point I’ve received so it deserves a mention. I’ve been asked “What about a woman who’s only had sex with her husband but became widowed? Are you saying she’s incapable of commitment? Would you doubt her?” I’m choosing to treat those circumstances as exceptions to the rule, as they are the minority of cases. However, they are tragic scenarios worthy of respect and I’d have to consider them on a case by case basis.

My Thoughts on the Role Sex Plays in Relationships...

One last thing I want to point out is I said they should “wait until they’re in a committed relationship”, not that they should “wait until marriage”. Typically when people make arguments like mine they’ll argue to wait until marriage, but I’ve thought a lot about what significance marriage has here. The conclusion I’ve reached is when marriage is referenced in these types of discussions it’s mentioned with the assumption that the married couple will remain married. It’s used to denote commitment, but marriage doesn’t necessarily imply commitment. Even among the religious there are acceptable circumstances for divorce (depending on the degree of faith the conditions vary), but despite religion divorce isn’t exactly uncommon in the United States. I think the argument of waiting until marriage was more effective back when the church held a heavier influence on society and divorce was widely considered a taboo, but even then it’s probably more accurate to argue for commitment instead. I’m sure there’s a more specific theological argument to be made but honestly I could care less one way or another. That’s not really where my mind’s at.

This was definitely longer than I expected it to be. I’ve been trying to condense these thoughts for a while now but my reasoning only seems to get more complex the more I think about it. I’m certainly open to having my mind changed, and frankly it’s pretty depressing for me to believe all of this. I really wish that I didn’t have to worry about this crap and that I could be more light hearted when it comes to this sort of thing, but it’s become near impossible for me to shake thinking this way.

If you disagree with what I’ve written then feel free to try and convince me that your way is the right way, but as a disclaimer - convincing me won’t be easy. I’m very structured and logical in my thinking so if you’re really interested in swaying my opinion then perhaps it’d be useful for you to read this first so you don’t just bash your head against the wall and please try to be civil. Also, if you want to see an opinion that runs counter to my own, check the link below the image at the top of this post. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proof_by_contradiction


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Most Helpful Girls

  • Enjoyed your mytake very much. I have been put down many times because I was a virgin throughout high school and refused to let just anyone into my body or because society said we should have sex if we're in a relationship. I waited until I was with my boyfriend for two years, then we had sex, spent 11 years together and were even married. I was told I couldn't reproduce and we tried for years. The marriage didn't work out and ended after 12 years.

    My second relationship was four years and resulted in a miracle baby boy. This relationship didn't work out either due to abusive nature.

    You haven't experienced it yet, so maybe you'll feel differently once you did, but unfortunately sex can make or break a relationship. It is a foundation and it one bad crack can cause the whole foundation to fall apart. It sounds shallow but it's true.

    So my question for you would be this: If you can't reproduce should you not be having sex and miss out on the pleasure and connection of it with a spouse because your body doesn't do what it's designed to do?

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    • Thanks for the thought out response. I admire how you were able to endure the high school bull shit. I know that's often what drives people to have sex before they're ready and I don't think it's an easy thing to get through, especially if you have options. After talking about this with numerous people lately I've been able to refine my thoughts a bit more. To answer your question about reproduction, I don't really look at it like that. I the reason I mentioned reproduction in this MyTake was because it's ultimately a consequence of sex that people are often not willing to commit to when they have sex, which I don't approve of. I suppose the best way to summarize my thoughts (at least that I can think of at the moment) is that any successful relationship takes effort and dedication, and if both parties in the relationship are don't/won't put in the effort and dedication required for the relationship to last then sex shouldn't happen.

    • Thank you. I was friends with a lot of guys and when it was known that me and my boyfriend slept together, my guy friend was like "lish the dish finally gave it up!"😂
      I got dumped and cheated on because I wouldn't sleep with a guy. That's exactly why I didn't sleep with him lol. Definitely was a smart choice and I don't regret my first time like most girls do.
      I agree. If your in a bad relationship, sex can trick you into staying, especially good sex. But were driven by our emotions and hormones, so it's a tough thing for someone to separate. Sex is definitely better with someone you love. It makes the relationship stronger and with all the good sex comes the oxytocin hormone, so your happy more. I've never done the one night stand scenerio and I don't judge people who do, but I would rather wait to share my body exclusively with a person, then just to scratch an itch. So for the most part, I agree and it's refreshing to hear this my take from a male perspective.

  • While I disagree with you on this matter, I do want to thank you for being one of the very few people with opinions like yours that actually make arguments, are willing to listen to other people's arguments and don't simply state that anyone with a different opinion is “immoral“, as if they possess all the wisdom and morality there is.
    You're the first to manage writing about this topic with this opinion without me getting mad halfway through reading it.

    I do have a question for you: You're implying that you should only have sex with someone that you could and would want to raise a child with in the event of a pregnancy, right? So what about if both parties do not want a child, even if they're in a commited relationship? Say they're both adults, but students and financially not able to care for a child. Or say that one already has kids and doesn't want anymore kids, the other never wanted children. Of course they do feel a sex drive, but not the desire to have children. Then the sex would actually be about pleasure, not reproduction, since humans are intellectually capable of deciding against their instincts that say “have children“. Should they or could they have sex, in your opinion? Even if, in the event of a pregnancy, the decision for abortion would very likely be made, although they're in a committed relationship? What would you think about a person that has “enough children“ or would never be able to care for one getting sterilized? And should you think that sex is okay in all of these cases, then what would, according to you, be the difference between that and more casual sex for pleasure, where neither of the involved parties would want to have the child if a pregnancy happened?

    In short, what about cases that aren't a rarity in humans (due to the fact that reasoning can override our instincts), where sex IS only about pleasure (and bonding in a relationship) and there is absolutely no desire for a baby on either sides?

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    • So you've laid out multiple different scenarios but it seems to boil down to “what if they don’t want [anymore] kids” and “what if they can’t afford them”. If for whatever reason one decides to never have kids then I have no real issue with sterilization. I listed it in my article to address a bullshit argument that is sometimes made at me, but I generally have no issue with it. The only thing is it’s fairly permanent, so that’s not a decision that should be taken lightly – but that’s another discussion entirely. The example you gave about students is actually a really good one.

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    • If their relationship is strong and he stays with her then it’ll make their lives much easier. Next thing is money and maturity. If they are students and can’t afford kids, but their relationship is strong then I’d say put the kid up for adoption. Students ARE basically kids themselves, so they very well might not be ready to have kids mentally, even if they can afford it. Ultimately if they decide to keep the kid and get married then a strong relationship is necessary to make that work. The point of my article in a sense is that without a healthy relationship as a foundation the list of “good” options in a situation like this shrinks drastically and the list of likely- to-occur horrible outcomes grows. Personally if I were in that situation I’d want to get married even if we decided to give the kid away, and I wouldn’t have sex with a girl if I weren’t willing to do so.

    • Also in that last bit you mentioned "In short, what about cases that aren't a rarity in humans (due to the fact that reasoning can override our instincts), where sex IS only about pleasure (and bonding in a relationship) and there is absolutely no desire for a baby on either sides?". I've seen this a lot from comments on here. The logic that "They're having sex for pleasure, therefore sex is for pleasure" doesn't sit right with me. That's like saying "They're using a screw driver to hammer down a nail, therefore screw drivers are for hammering nails". There needs to be a distinction between the "intended use" of something and how it's used. I never disputed that sex feels good, but I stand by my point that sex is NOT for pleasure. Pleasure is a feature of sex, not the purpose. It may seem like a technicality but I think making the distinction is important. If the couple doesn't want kids then fine, but that's something that should be figured out and dealt with before having sex.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Tldr; as for role playing Christmas is right around the corner let the bitch dress up as mes claus and tell her you been a very naughty boy this year or have her wear nothing but a giant red bow and have her hold a card under the Christmas tree and have her say she's your present this year from santa.
    Other role plays during summer she could be the life guard on duty and you the drowning swimmer who needs mouth to mouth cpr
    Another nurse who helps the sick patient wanting to give massages (had a real nurse wanting to do this to me once years ago)
    Naughty teacher keeping bad student after school for detention
    Nun and alterboy (for those religious catholic/christian freaks out there)
    Thanksgiving coming up pilgrims (being the guy) and indians (being the broad) plummeting her villiage (pussy) and much more (tits and possibly ass if she enjoys getting fucked in the ass)
    Pirates and redcoats (guy being the pirate)(halloween costume shops come in handy for this one the hat eye patch sword and belt) and use your other sword (dick) to attack the redcoat
    Cowboys and indians or wild wild west (cowboy hats required to make it more fun when she straddles your dick and rides it like a horse or pony) (cowboy boots and belt optional)
    Cops and robbers (handcuffs required) she's the robber who gets handcuffed (robber mask and police hat optional but more fun to have)

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    • This isn't even a little relevant but I had the most fun reading it out of anything here and that's worth something. Well done.

  • Your title threw me off at first, and I don’t agree with everything you said, but I totally agree that everyone should wait to have sex with the person they are committed to spending the rest of their life with, and for that I applaud you. You are absolutely correct that there are comparisons we make from our current lover and one from the past ones and what we see in porn.

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    • Thanks for your response. I think you're the first to properly summarize what I've written without me having to explain it further. I wish I'd spoken to you sooner.

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What Girls Said 20

  • Just one thing I want to add

    The clitoris serves no biological purpose in reproduction.

    Women that have had forced cicumsion feel no pleasure from sex (unless their gspot works), but they still have babies

    The clitoris' only function is to provide IMMENSE amounts of pleasure for the woman!

    I don't believe any other female animal has one.

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    • All female mammals have one ^^

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    • Is that your butt? Lol

    • Trashy 😂

  • I agree with some of the things you say, and some I disagree with on certain levels. I've actually only ever had sex with one guy my entire life up to this point and that is my boyfriend. The catch here is that he was not my boyfriend when I met him and I never intended on him being my boyfriends (not that it was out of the picture or anything, but lets just say he is very promiscuous and has a very high body count. We are complete opposites). Personally I like that I have only had sex with one man and I have only been in one relationship, it just sort of happened that way. We weren't even dating for a good four months before we decided to date and me be exclusive , so I never hooked up with any guy during that time. I think it had a lot to do with my insecurities and shyness (sexually) i was very inexperienced and shy with my body at the time so I only ever was comfortable with him. If you asked me now (if we ever happened to break up), of course I would explore my options, but I have built my confidence up with him.
    So you could say I am a special snowflake when it comes to only having sex with one guy, but I am not even the kind of person who has ever advocated for this sort of thing necessarily, because its not really real life anymore.
    You bring up the argument that we are supposed to use sex for sexual reproduction, and that is its only use. Very true. But I could also throw some history out there too and state that men are actually biologically driven to "spread there seed" so to speak, which means impregnating multiple woman, not just one. Usually an alpha male is more inclined to do this, but nonetheless all males have it in their DNA. Its actually a thing.
    So your logic for men kind of goes out the window, because it makes a lot of sense why they would want to do such a thing and why it is so easy for them to and why sperm is so disposable.
    Woman on the other hand, I agree with you. They are supposed to pick & choose wisely, because back in the old days, the man they had sex w/ was man who usually go her pregnant. Woman invest a lot of time in growing the baby, giving birth, raising the child. They better have the best genes possible so the offspring is worth raising.
    But I am going to counter you w/ saying that we are in a new age where we DO have contraceptives and we CAN prevent pregnancy and that risk. So why not use it to our advantage? Thats just my perspective being someone who uses them.
    But interesting mytake!

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    • Thanks for taking the time to write all of this. There are two things in particular I have a reply to. First, to counter your counter. Contraception does not prevent pregnancy or the risk, it just lessens it greatly. Contraception does not prevent pregnancy, and while I think it's certainly useful I don't see it as proper justification for promiscuity.

    • As for your comment about how my logic doesn't apply to men, I'd have to disagree there. I do think it applies differently, although the outcome is the same. If men were to pursue their instincts and fuck anything with a vagina, while women excersise caution and be chosey as you described has a practical flaw. Consider one man who acts on his instincts and tries to fuck a bunch of women, if he succeeds then wouldn't that mean that those women didn't do their job and be choosey? If they chose properly then the guy they pick would stay with her and the baby, and unless the relationship were amorous he'd be unable to pursue his instincts. If the man fucks 100 women, did the 100th woman chose properly while the other 99 didn't? The male "spread their seed" instinct only works when the man has a harem to himself. As nice as that sounds to me, that's not really a sustainable option on a societal scale. If the appocolypse happened then maybe, but not in reality.

    • Men need to enforce disipline for separate reasons.

  • Sex plays a multilayered role in relationships. I get that it's meant for reproduction, but it's more than that. And it's more than just pleasure. There's an intense bonding that takes place during sex. Nothing even comes close between a man and a woman. What some guys don't understand about sex is that girls love to be owned by our man, and we have to be okay with that because of the general nature of sex. But we love it because it's possessive and close in a strong, healthy way. That's why good sex strengthens relationships so much. That experience is hard to replace, the closeness of it. I won't have kids for a while but that doesn't mean sex is just a way to blow off steam.

    I think you're overthinking it to much for your part. Just remember that passion makes up for a lot of deficiencies in technique. A guy who's totally passionate and into me but maybe a bit awkward is better than a guy who's a stone cold magician but treats me like a piece of meat. So for the right girl, there will be no unfavorable comparisons. Mostly the girls who do that are cunts. Most normal girls don't sit and assign points to their bfs like it was some Olympic event. Yeah, one guy might be bigger than another or have a better technique in oral, but that's no a dealbreaker. Each guy is unique. Plus, guys can learn if they want to.

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  • I think you have too much time on your hands. You are too much in your head and you aren't living in the moment as often as you should. This opinion is unrelated to your opinion about sex. I just mean it in general and life doesn't have to always be so awful through your eyes. Your life is what you make it to be.

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    • I think that's partly accurate. I do spend too much time on my own and I'd probably benefit from having more relationships. I kind of just touched on this but I generally have a hard time meeting people. I do the best I can with what I have to work with and make due somehow, but forming relationships has been a life long challenge for me. I don't think life is so awful as you put it, but I make a point not to avert my eyes from the bad in favor of the good - and visa versa.

    • I respect that.

  • I gave up on reading all of that, but when my son was born, I became uninterested in sex. I just couldn't enjoy it knowing I was someone's mother.

    Ew.

    So... now that some years have passed, I beg my husband for sex. I want him to want me again, but he doesn't. He blames me. He throws up words spoken in the past

    I call them excuses. He calls them reasons.

    I think he had another woman

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  • uh I thought most people got sterilized cuz they didn't want kids lolz

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    • I hope that's why at least. In past arguments I've said that the only way to avoid pregnancy is to not have sex, and the reply I got was "if you get sterilized then you can have all the sex you want and have a zero percent chance of getting pregnant" like it was a good idea to sterilize yourself for pleasure. I mentioned it mostly to avoid stupid tangental debates than anything else. lol @TommySparta

  • Cool beans. Maybe you will find someone who thinks like you.

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  • Sex is important, but people make too much of it. It's not everything.

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  • I like you.

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  • Nice mytake, I like role playing.

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  • I think sex is vital. I need it and plenty of it.

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  • I've liked doing role play before.

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  • Damn. Okay

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  • Good take

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  • Neat myTake, I enjoyed reading it.

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  • I agree with a lot of what you say

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  • So you think having sex for pleasure is unnatural/unhealthy. Well, studies show it is healthy, as happiness is healthy. And about natural: bonobos have sex for pleasure. Reproduction is not always desired, but nobody is harmed by protected sex between two consenting adults.

    Besides, we are currently unnaturally healthy. People are 'supposed' to die younger and children are supposed to die way more often. If we keep reproducing at our 'natural' rate, the population grows out of control. It already does. So either more people have to die, or less people have to be born. I choose the second option. If that means we can still have sex by using birth control, even better.

    About the kissing/commitment part: yeah, I have sex outside of a commited relationship. I have an IUD and always use condoms, so combined, my risk at pregnancy is lower than my risk at a heart attack at age 21. I accept those 'risks'.

    To me, it's about a pro/con balance. It you cut off your legs to skip the line at disney, you win a little but lose a lot. Therefore it isn't a sane thing to do.
    If you get sterilized at 40 after already having had 5 kids, you don't really lose anything, as another pregnancy would only bring misery but no happiness. But you gain freedom, pleasure and less need to fuss about stuff.

    It's fine if you want to be monogamous with one person all your life and want that person to ne the same. But please don't judge other people with different desires in life. I have thought mine through, and just because I came to a different conclusion than you did, doesn't mean mine or yours is wrong. We're just different.

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  • I agree and disagree with your points.

    I, personally, have had oral outside of relationships. I was not in a relationship at the time and it was just casual. I make a point not to compare the guys in the past with the current guys because the past is the past.
    There are days i wish i hadn't done those things, but i also don't think it makes me less of a person. I was young and I've learned from my mistakes like everyone does. I have also sworn off one night stands.
    It may sound like i am likely to cheat on future guys, however i am not. I see cheating as along the same lines as murder. As in i will never ever ever do that. When I'm committed in a relationship, no other guy is going to be able to pull me from that.
    I know that some guys find it a turn off that I've been with other guys, however, i believe that there is someone out there who will love me for me and not care about my mistakes in the past.

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  • Nicely presented

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  • Good Take

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What Guys Said 26

  • "My first reason (and this is the one I usually go to in discussions) is that fundamentally, sex is for reproduction; pleasure is a perk." And this is your first failure. There are numerous examples in the animal kingdom of creatures who do NOT get pleasure from sex; those are much more effective from a purely reproductive scheme. The principle reason for sexual pleasure is social bonding. Those with high sex drives form more and stronger attachments inside their social groups; a pro-survival trait in a mid-level omnivorous primate that depends on group survival for passing on it's genes. Humans evolved to be promiscuous, because promiscuous humans are more likely to form cohesive social attachments and provide mutual support to their "troop". If you know that THESE females will have sex with you casually, but THOSE will bite and claw and try to tear your limbs off, you protect these females. You bring them food, and refrain from murdering their offspring. All good things. And you do it for ALL the females in the group. You do it for the males, too, because they help you do those things for the females. Survival of the group outweighs the survival of the individual. We see this in other promiscuous social species, as well. Dolphin pods come to mind, as do bonobos, and even sheep. Males and females coexist in groups, and have dominance displays for the right to mate at the moment, but otherwise generally ignore each other and cooperate in tending the troop. Such displays are rarely injurious.

    Everything else you've said seems to revolve around this one misconception, and it's personal and social impact.

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    • I'm not sure I see the argument you're trying to make but it seems like you're trying to form a thought out argument so I'd like to take it seriously. If possible, could you rephrase this a bit?

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    • Yeah sorry, I'm calling bullshit. Your assertion that sex is for social interactions is at minimum as unsubstantiated as my claim that it's for reproduction, although I see no biological justification for "sex is for socialization" where as there's clear biological justification for "sex is for reproduction". Your argument is predicated mainly on anthropological observations and your own personal opinion, which isn't worth all that much as far as proof is concerned. At best you've identified a correlation between sex and social interactions, which isn't something I dispute to begin with. That said, correlation doesn't mean causation.

    • Ah, there are none so blind as those who reject information presented. Sorry you feel that way; I hope you get better.

  • Great article
    Well thought out
    Only two type-o's

    Here's a scenario for you to ponder:

    What happens down the road when you've been with a woman for XX years, it ends because reasons, and you fuck a new girl only to realize...

    HOLY SHIT! I WASTED HALF MY LIFE FOR A LOUSY LAY!!!

    And then, you fuck a third girl who is better than the first two combined...

    The 10th girl is better than all the others...

    I'm not wishing that on you at all. You're free to think and act however you want when it comes to sex.
    You're completely, inescapably, 400,001% incorrect and horribly wrong but, you're free to fuck or not fuck whomever you want.

    I would also remind you that nowadays, everybody is fucking everybody.

    Women are fucking men
    Women are fucking other women
    Men are fucking women
    Men are fucking other men
    People are fucking those newfangled transgenitals

    Etcetera, and I'm sure you understand that literally everybody is fucking damn near anything that will hold still long enough.

    My question to you is simple
    Just where in the hell do you expect to find a virgin?

    And speaking from way too much experience:
    There ought to be a law against two virgins fucking each other.
    I never had sex with a virgin but, I have had girls who only had one or two previous partners and, I have to say, those girls were far and away the worst fucks I've ever had.

    Like I said, I'm not trying to change your mind. Do (or don't do) whatever and whomever you want.

    *I could not care less.*
    (By the way, that's the proper way to form that sentence.)

    All I'm trying to say is that you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of celibacy. It doesn't say how old you are but, still, more people are having more sex, and they're starting to have sex at younger ages which in turn means that everybody is having more and more sexual partners.

    I'm genuinely impressed by your write-up, and I'm not trying to change your mind. Don't care. I just couldn't resist pointing out the massive holes in your logic.

    One last thing. You know that shit you were talking about vasectomies and shit? Yeah, you can fuck yourself on that one.

    I looked at the world around me and realized a few things
    I don't want kids
    Even if I wanted kids, in this modern fucked up "sOcIeTy" of ours, and with my small income, having kids would be pretty fucking irresponsible to say the very least.

    Plus, I love my freedom too much. At any time, I can pick up my shit and go wherever the hell I feel like

    That's awesome!

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    • You've said a lot here and with respect there's only two things I'd like to say in response. First, what was the other typo? Second, I spoke poorly about vasectomies mainly with people in mind who got them solely so they could fuck around. If you don't want kids then getting one is probably a good idea and I'm not critisizing that decission. I mentioned it because it's been thrown back at me in response to me making the statement "the only way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex" in the past as justification for riding a different dick to work each day - so to speak. If it's coming from a place of proper judgement then I have no issues.

    • *criticizing

  • Too much overthinking here for such a basic thing. Nature made us to have sex not analyze it into oblivion. "I really wish that I didn’t have to worry about this crap" you don't have to; just set that bag of bricks down.

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    • Easier said than done, my dude. I'm fully aware that I'm thinking this to death, but that's just how my mind works. There's not much I can do to curb the way I think. If it were so easy I wouldn't be bothering with this in the first place. It's a pain in the ass.

    • I hear ya and yeah it isn't easy.

  • Even if a person's kissing is not to your standard or liking when you first meet them, it doesn't mean that you can't raise it with practice and getting more comfortable with each other.

    Sex is an important part of relationships.

    Thanks for your thoughts.

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    • While that may be true, I can't imagine a scenario where saying "You're not a good kisser, do xyz instead" in any shape or form will yield good results. How do you tell your partner that he/she's not good at sex without being an asshole?

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    • That would be complete bs.

    • My thoughts exactly

  • 👏👏
    Longest thing I've read and not gotten bored of it. Great take, good structure, I agree. You turned me congrats.

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  • You called me a lunatic you have no idea who I am. Or the reasons. Your the type that shoves your morality down other people’s throats You said you give people a hard time about sleeping around. What you do is turn people off with your yabbering.

    People like you like you are judgmental. Look at you, you can’t form a lasting relationship, it’s not because you are such a good guy, the women your were with see you for what you are.

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    • You've just made a lot of presumptions about me in this little rant of yours too. I'd be inclined to take you seriously if it weren't for that. Pot and kettle, my dude.

  • Wow you have really thought this out which is not a bad thing per se - Hope you meet someone who thinks your boxes - I am very much to each their own and it is clear you have a mindset that works for you.

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  • My question to you is, how do you have this much free time?

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    • Well writing this probably took less than an hour so not much free time is required. I think about a lot of shit all the time though. I think about heavy crap like this a lot when I'm trying to go to sleep and have nothing to keep me busy. I've also been working through this for a while on and off, but I wrote it down mostly to help organize my thoughts better.

    • Also Dragon Ball is on hiatus so we need something to fill the void, you know?

    • Of course. We do need something to fill the void.

  • Holy Crackers, wall of text

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    • Yeah it's pretty dense. Its a work in progress trying to trim this down.

  • Too much over-thinking for something as basic and straight-forward as sex.

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  • ‘Both the man and the woman should wait to have sex until they’re both willing to commit to each other.’
    What if you find you are sexually incompatible, eg you have very different sex drives, or you just don’t really enjoy each other in bed? It happens, and it can be a big problem.

    ‘Personally I can’t trust that a woman will honor her commitment to me if she’s broken her commitment to another man in the past. ’
    Who knows what her reasons were? So she should just remain in the relationship even if its a bad one?

    ‘Even if she told me that I was the best she had, there’s no way I could genuinely believe that.’
    Insecure much?

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    • You made 3 statements and I'll answer them in order:

      1. "What if you find you are sexually incompatible, eg you have very different sex drives, or you just don’t really enjoy each other in bed? It happens, and it can be a big problem."

      That's a fair question and I don't have a simple easy answer for you. All I can think to say is to learn as much about the other person as you can before having sex, but it's not so simple as that. I guess in that scenario it's largely a case by case issue. I won't go so far as to say you've overthrown my argument but you've made me stop and think some more.

      2. "Who knows what her reasons were? So she should just remain in the relationship even if its a bad one?"
      I would argue that if she's in a bad relationship she shouldn't be having sex with him to begin with so I don't see that as legitimate objection, although it's certainly unfortunate when those situations occur.
      3. "Insecure much?" Probably, yeah. That's fair criticism and I won't deny it.

    • The litmus test I had in mind while writing my original post was something like "If you accidentally got the girl pregnant and were in a shotgun-marriage type scenario, do you think you'd be able to make the relationship work and not be miserable?" If both parties answer in the affirmative then that's the bare minimum for me. If either the man or woman thinks a life like that would be hellish then don't have sex.

  • I stopped reading halfway through. so can anyone give me a shortie?

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    • Unfortunately I haven't figured out a good way to summarize this further. I would if I could.

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    • I'm not thinking about this spiritually or intimately, no. It's more about loyalty and trust than anything else. I don't want to have sex with someone who isn't loyal and trustworthy, and she were willing to break up over something trivial or some misunderstanding then that's indication to me that she isn't trustworthy or loyal. I'm a cynic too and I realize that ultimately you can't really trust anyone and everyone has a price they're willing to pay to stab you in the back, but if I were to operate solely on that assumption I'd be alone forever. To me that's far more frightening, so I guess this is just a way to make it easier for me to let my guard down. Also you're free to do what you please in your own time, but I don't care what happens in the future, I will never have sex with 20 hookers. I can't really get behind whatever thoughts run through your head to make you able to life with yourself after that. Clearly it works for you, so congrats for that. I couldn't do it though.

    • "willing to break up over something trivial or some misunderstanding then that's indication to me that she isn't trustworthy or loyal." yea because a woman without a backbone is more likely to find sympathy somewhere else if things don't to her way. I like strong women also for the reason they can handle a bad outcome and to me a strong woman can also reflect uppon herself instead of going the emotional route which to me is prone to being used.
      I can also trust people, just not enough for them to know about things that could get me in trouble and hookers are not as bad as I tought. they are human just like any other girl they just either took that path or were raised into it

  • Are you gay

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  • TLDR. WTF.

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    • Yeah I realize this is a bit wordy. It's a work in progress.

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    • Don't base the summary on just the title. That's a bad idea. This is probably a comprehensive summary "Any successful relationship takes effort and dedication, and if both parties in the relationship don't/won't put in the effort and dedication required for the relationship to last then sex shouldn't happen."

    • I would agree with that. Just celebrated a 25-year anniversary. :)

  • Hmmmm 🙄

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  • Nice take.

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  • lol
    you're such a virgin

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  • The reality = Girls just want sex.

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  • Nice my take & useful things..

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  • I agree

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  • Great take

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  • no one should be dating right now

    the men should be beating the shit out of the women as a group to get them in line and then next go and kill the government

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    • Sounds like a fool proof plan to me.

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    • damn right I would but I don't have an army
      its that simple

      you give me an army
      I WILL RUN AMERICA

    • Nah dude, real conquerors don't rely on armies. If you wanna dominate you gotta take over on your own. None of that pussy "strength in numbers shit"

  • You forgot to mention compatability with another for kissing.

    My first ex sucked at kissing and was a stiff board when I kissed her. She used to smash my lips but I liked her so I stayed till she took off the good girl mask and showed what an awful person she is.

    My wife and I when we kissed it was amazing and precious. If I had known it was that good through my 3 relationships # waiting. I would have instantly left those girls.

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    • Well if you're factoring in compatibility then it's worth pointing out that I didn't really get along to well with the "good kisser" in the long run, but I got along well with the other two. My situation doesn't seem consistent with your own, but it's a fair point none the less.

  • Interesting take...

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  • Cool take

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  • Hmmmmmmm good

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