A Guide for Virgins On Their First Time

I don't know about others, but I felt anxious about sex for a long time. That's why I was a virgin until just recently, and I'm already twenty-three. I had many chances but for some reason didn't want to do it. Then a few months ago I met a guy I clicked with instantly. We flirted and had sexual tension from the moment we met - perhaps that had to do with the fact that we met at a tango scene, one of the sexiest places you could meet someone. Things with him have flowed very smoothly and quickly, which is unusual for a girl to let happen, I know - I'll be discussing this matter in a second.

On that note, here are some tips for first-timers. I don't expect everyone to agree with all of these, I'm just writing from experience with the hopes that this guide will help virgins gain knowledge about and prepare for their first time.

1. Find a guy/girl, preferably human. Sex dolls do not count as a first time.

A Guide for Virgins On Their First Time

2. Develop sexual tension from early in the relationship.

You must be thinking, "hell no! What is this girl talking about?" But I mean it. Compared to my past non-sexual relationships, doing this built a stable base for my relationship. If you start getting physical right away, you can skip all the petty phases and unnecessary stress you have to go through - do I hold his/her hand now? Should I kiss her again, or is once in one night enough? Would she feel uncomfortable going to the pool for our next date? As for me, once I'd start to really like someone it would be completely pure and I wouldn't be able to imagine myself having sex with them - I don't know if anyone else has experienced this. Well, fuck all that. Make out, let him or her touch you, even let them touch you down there. If you want each other, just go for it. Stop worrying about "are we moving too fast?" I say there's no such thing. If the moment feels right and you're both in the mood, by all means go ahead. I actually recommend it because a sexy relationship is the best relationship in my opinion. If it's just a fling, then this first tip obviously applies.

3. Warn him or her that you're a virgin.

I don't say this for the advantage of your love interest, I say this for you. The reason is because I've seen guys who ditch a girl after finding out she's a virgin. I'm not sure why - you men probably know - perhaps they want someone who knows what they're doing in bed. But virgins can learn fast, so I think if someone being a virgin is a turn off for you then he/she's just a douche (yes, women can be douches too). Which is why you should tell them early on - just don't say it out of the blue while you're at a fancy French restaurant drinking posh rosé and eating escargots.

A Guide for Virgins On Their First Time

4. Make sure he uses protection and/or you're on birth control.

DON'T BE LIKE ME, KIDS. My partner and I have agreed that we'd do it without protection for a quarter of the way, then he'd put on the rubber hat. That's what we've been doing. My friends say he's an ass for doing that, but I want to give him the best sexual experience, which is why I let him do it. BUT DON'T COPY ME - especially if you're younger than twenty-one and/or don't want to get pregnant. But IF you plan on being reckless like me, if he's a guy make sure he doesn't have STD.

5. Have your first time with someone with sexual experience.

I almost lost my v-card with a virgin, but I'm glad I didn't! Who knows what could have happened to me! I think it's important that one person knows what they're doing because sex isn't a simple matter - it takes caution. Things could go wrong if you're both novices. It would be like learning to drive from someone who's watched YouTube tutorials about driving but has never actually driven before. How scary would that be?

A Guide for Virgins On Their First Time

6. Don't be picky but also don't settle for a random person.

I almost lost it with a random guy because I was so sick and insecure about being a twenty-three year old virgin, but I'm glad I didn't do it! On the other hand, when I was younger I was really picky with my men and wanted the perfect guy to have my first time with - well, that's also dumb. Don't under-think nor overthink it. I found someone I knew I could eventually like, or at least feel comfortable having sex with, and I'm really glad he was my first. Now I actually like him a lot and I plan to give him an answer about making things official (I put him on hold because my mom wasn't approving, but now she has).

7. Be open-minded about oral sex.

I never thought I'd want to do it but I did in that moment, and I think I'll really be enjoying it once I get the hang of it. So I ATTEMPTED to give him my first blowjob last time and failed miserably. He was nice about it but I know I kind of killed the sexual vibe at that moment, particularly when I started laughing and said, "I don't know what I'm doing." Anyway, I never thought I'd be comfortable with oral but it's actually not that bad if you're attracted to the person. So stay open-minded about it rather than completely shutting down the idea if it's brought up.

A Guide for Virgins On Their First Time

Lastly, I have an issue I'd appreciate some help with:

Can't orgasm. I'm still figuring this out. He tells me to relax, "let it build", etc. but I haven't been able to orgasm yet. I asked about this and people said it's on him if I can't, but I can't help but feel bad that we've had sex a couple times now and I still haven't experienced an orgasm yet. Any advice from people with more experience will help. Thanks!

Happy...sex life!

A Guide for Virgins On Their First Time
10 5

Most Helpful Guys

  • Another important thing to add is to make sure the condom is used correctly. Most people use them incorrectly, and it winds up not doing much good, anyway. Somehow. There was a study done showing that improper condom use was equal in effectiveness to the pull out method.

    Oh, yeah, jeez. Never admit you don't know what you're doing. As long as you're not using teeth, most things can be overlooked. As long as you don't draw attention to it. And laughing when he has his pants down is never advisable. Unless it's something obvious that is funny, like banging your heads together when you go in to kiss.

    Oral is "not that bad". O_o What a resounding endorsement. I'm almost offended! No "oral is great!"? D:

    It's not entirely on him. Women are weird. They have to be in the right mental space in order to really enjoy the experience. So if you're not doing your job, then he can't do his job. A man could do everything technically accurate and hit all the right places in all the right tempos in all the right ways; but, if you're not there, it won't do anything. Likewise, if you're really into it mentally, and the dude has no idea what he's doing, but just fucking you like an animal, it can be incredible for her, even when he's not doing anything "right" and missing all the spots.

    Making sure you are somewhat controlling your mental state is something that is on you. If he is trying to make everything perfect for you, but something in your crazy-brain is stopping you, you gotta find a way to get rid of that crazy.

    If you are anxious or just aren't relaxed enough, worried about what he's thinking, etc, etc. It won't happen. You need to rev yourself up and be totally focused on what is happening. Focus on the sensations across your body. Etc. Don't let yourself get lost in thoughts. Sex is something that demands total attention and being totally in the moment, especially for women.

    All in all, pretty good guide OP.

    • Thank you for all the advice! About orgasms, I don't feel anxious or anything so I think some of it has to do with my mental state and being in the moment, as you mentioned. I'll try to work on that. Thank you!

    • Sure. Happy to help. Another possible thing you could try is just building up the anticipation. Just forgo sex for a week or so, and build up the sexual tension until you can't take it anymore. Swap sexts throughout the day, tell him what you want him to do to you, ask him what he wants to do to you, etc. Basically like a week long foreplay. Pretty sure you will have no choice but to have an orgasm, after that. There can be a lot of different types of mental blocks, too, though. If that doesn't work, you'll have to find out what mental block is preventing you from enjoying the experience. Good luck. ^_^

    • I see, well he's actually overseas for military work right now and he won't be back until after Thanksgiving, so hopefully that does something. :D

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  • I don't really agree with #5. Though having an experienced partner the first time can make it easier because they can guide you, I think learning together with another virgin can be fun too. Yes, it might not go that great, but it can still be fun and learning together can be a bonding experience.

    Regarding you not reaching orgasm, there could be a variety of reasons for that. If you're feeling pressure to get there that doesn't help. I think it's better to just relax and enjoy how things feel and let it happen. Also, if you're expecting it just from him being in you that might be unrealistic. Some women can get there that way but I think most need more direct clitoral stimulation. Having him do oral on you or using his fingers is a lot more likely to work.

    Be sure to let him know what's feeling good and what's not. Not all women are the same in what works for them, so even an experienced guy will have an easier time if you share what's working and what's not.

    • Thank you for your advice! He does ask me what's working and what's not. Also, I'll take your advice and try more direct clitoral stimulation.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Most of these make sense, but I don't really agree with number 5. If you meet someone, you end up liking him, and then you found out too that he is also a virgin... I don't know. It just seems hypocritical to me. I think it also depends what you're hoping to get out of it. Are you hoping to just pop the cherry and simply get a learning experience, or are you hoping to do it with someone meaningful. If it's the second option, I think being experienced or not should not matter as long as you're both willing to learn more together.

    • after dating 3 girls i realize that experience while beneficial means close to nothing its all about chemistry, you get used to the person you're with and it will work out eventually (unless one of you is ridiciously dumb )

    • @3rdSrike I see. Thanks for your comment!

  • re: "Can't Orgasm" - only 18-25% of women can orgasm just from penis in vagina sex. Most women need a great deal more direct stimulation to the clitoris.

    • Why dnt u try one time babes

    • I'll help u

    • Bcos recently i had a breakup wid my lady

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • It's nice that you want to consider your mother's feelings but, ultimately, the decision should be yours (regarding whether to make it official).
    As you've found someone you might want to have a real lasting relationship with, I would recommend learning everything you can about making love, from both the male and female point of view - take workshops, classes, watch instructional videos (not porn), read books, etc. (all tasteful). Then you can teach him what to do so he will give you multiple orgasms. Women can have many orgasms in one "session" of love-making whereas a lot of men can only have one (which is why I would recommend that he gives you an orgasm before he gets his - he might be too tired after he has his, to do anything else).
    And guys: please take a shower first (before receiving oral sex). You urinate with that thing! 😄 Thank you.

    • Thank you for your comment. I've been thinking of finding a book to start with. Do you have any suggestions? It's okay if you don't. Also, he always does shower before we have sex because it's always after he finishes work and comes back all sweaty and stuff (military).

  • What a wonderful myTake Ms DF!

    Thank you so much for sharing all that great information! :)

    A Guide for Virgins On Their First TimeA Guide for Virgins On Their First Time
  • This is BY FAR the best take on this subject I've read at GaG. A great explanation of how to go about enjoying your adult sexuality responsibly.

    Sex is (especially vaginal intercourse) is one of the reliably best things on earth. It is so primal, so life affirming, and existentially satisfying. And frankly, being abstinent when you are a sexually mature adult (+18) comes at a increasing psychological cost, which increases with age. There is eons of evolution here telling us both physically and subconsciously to mate.

    Most of the push back and down votes you'll get are from abstainers who are either waiting for the mythical "Mr/s. Right" to show up, or think there'll be a big payoff in the afterlife for their abstinence. It's tragic to read posts here from virgins in their mid-30's who's lives are a third down the drain, still waiting for the "right" one.

    About the only thing I disagree with you on is guys disclosing their virginity. If they really want to lose it, they should keep theirs mouths shut, as some girls don't want a dude "imprinting" on them. However I think is a good thing for girls to mention it, because an experienced guy that likes them will go out of their way to be gentle.

    Anyway, great Take.

    • I agree wholeheartedly. Thank you for your comment!

  • It looks like you pick a guy strategically instead of falling in love, which might be why you can't orgasm. It's all mechanic to you.
    And you make it seem like it's dangerous to have sex if you don't know what you're doing. No, it's not like driving. If both are virgins and are clueless, they will learn together and will eventually know what to do. That's part of the fun.

  • Damn... i decided to read this to tear this down but actually, this was a good read. It doesn't encompass everything and i see holes in it but it proves a lot of things i say. Losing virginity ain't that bad but before you did, you were in the "scared" category... then you did, and here you are. (lol... can't believe you said escargots...) You are damn right that a person should lose it to someone with experience.. even with guys.. that way it doesn't come off the way mine was... ugh.. mine sucked the first time and she still doesn't believe im her first (what? i talked a good game).

    As for the orgasm thing, he wasn't wrong when he said "let it build", you are gonna have one... it doesn't necessarily have to be with him. I've been with a lot of girls who said i was their first orgasm... and sometimes maybe first squirt.. it will happen as you gain more "experience"... you start finding out what you like, what your body likes, what size you prefer, and one day... bam.

  • A Guide To The Guide Written Above :

    - You are never going to have the same experience as the ones mentioned above, everything that is mentioned above can be taken as a grain of salt

    - Personality is a very sexy trait to have, building up just the sexual tension is just purely sexual, after desires are fulfilled, 90% of the times the relationship ends up going south because that's what it was from the beginning, the cat & mouse chase and sexual build up, nothing more

    - You don't need to warn a person just before the sex that you are a virgin, that implies you two haven't really got down to knowing each other personally and are just there to satisfy your needs , unless you are just picking a random person to do the deed with, then sure do tell, neither qualifies as a wise choice.

    - Not a relationship expert here, I think two people should build it up together, there is no harm in growing sexual experiences together from the beginning, thats how you decrease the rate of the STD in the first place.

    - Not everybody likes oral sex

    - Not every females Orgasms, spending too much time online, watching porn, watching overtly sexual movies (Fifty Shades Of Grey), having female friends who tell you that they orgasm everytimr are far from reality.

    I want you to mark down this post of mine and in a couple of years revisit it, because I have a feeling this relationship of yours is heading on a collusion course, if it doesn't, more power to you.

  • I lost my virginity to a virgin as well; someone who I'm in a fulfilling relationship with. Of course our first time was next to terrible, but we've grown alongside each other and have discussed how to get better with each other, and I think now we have quite a fulfilling sex life even when the both of us are pretty busy in general.

  • It's all in the "right" person and his abilitiy to relax you and make you feel comfortable enough to go "all the way". As for orgasm, help yourself. There are women that can't orgasm only by male stimulation due to built of their reproductive organs so a little help won't do no harm. Or with time you will find a position that enables you to finish. Just enjoy, sex is all about pleasure (yours and your partner's)

  • Sounds like you didn't care much about your first time to me.

    • If I didn't care I would have done it sooner.

    • How old were you? Also, you say doing it with a virgin too would not be as good because of experience, but you never really tried it that way and obviously can't anymore. Me and my girlfriend were both virgins, and it went genuinely fine for both sides. I had an idea of what to do and that's probably why, don't think that most would just be there and then awkwardly going for it. A 6 year old kid learned how to drive on YouTube and one day drove himself to a McDonald's driveway; there are exeptions.

    • I just lost it recently. I am freaking 23 already. I could be married for god's sake. Others have been commenting about the virgin thing too. People can do what they want, but I included it in my take because that's how I feel about the first time. I probably would have been 100x more nervous and anxious if it weren't with someone who wasn't 100 percent sure what he was doing.

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  • You may have to get more comfortable with sex before you orgasm. Try some different positions like you being on top. Also teach him how to give you some great oral. It works every time.

    • We've tried with me being on top, but I actually prefer being bottom. Others have been saying a girl's more likely to orgasm from oral, too. Thanks for your help!

    • Having sex for the first time is weird and complicated. Especially if you're both virgins. If you're both virgins you mostly try to copy what porn actors do in films. I've had quite a few sex partners in my life, plus I read many sex books, I learned many things. Every person is different, what works on you, might not work on someone else, that's why I find sex exciting and fun. My advice is for virgins is to masturbate, if you're a girl buy a realistic dildo and practice on it, find what your body wants, learn how to orgasm. If you're a man buy a fleshlight they are great and they are the closest to the real thing, practice on them and try to last the longest. In the end I would like to advise reading sex books, you can learn many things from them, from learning your body and your partner's body to sex positions to how to reach orgasm.

  • "5. Have your first time with someone with sexual experience" what a load of bullshit. Do it with whoever you want. "I don't know what could have happened to me!" what an eyeroll... overdramatic much?
    You yourself said, "virgins can learn fast"...

    • Yes, virgins can learn fast, but I don't see how it can be hot if neither person really knows what they're doing and they both feel awkward...

    • If you do it with someone you really care about, it won't be awkward. What's awkward about learning how to work each other's bodies? Being a virgin myself I'd want my first time to be with a virgin so this mytake isn't much of a helpful guide. Each to their own I guess :)

    • moreoverly, he/she can be a master at bed even when they're a virgin, personality also counts. i mean duh, a shy insecure virgin man vs a confident virgin man produce different first time experience

  • Thanks 😊

  • Interesting take! It can be different for many people, and how they view this subject, but thanks for sharing you opinion.

  • I like what you said! Both my partner an I were vergins when we met and only kissed an cuddled for some time! It was not for want of trying on my part! But after a 1 year or so we had sex I'm sure it wasn't perfect! But neder was first kiss: I still remember both to this day an Will probably till my dieing day! But neder should be perfect: why do the have to be! Like if you were trying something new like a new recipe: would it have to be perfect for the first time? Is love: work on it together; an sure we'll figure something out! Life doesn't always go to plan: so why does love; or sex? Can't it be like we learn over time? You could get a book: or there's some vidioes (an I don't mean porn) just sex education videos! But it was your take an well written! Ps you don't have to have sex till your ready and feel safe: and it don't have to be perfect! Don't put that pressure on yourself or it's sure to fail! Xoxo

    • We were 23 an 24 at the time so no rush!

  • Good advice, some of which I did not follow.
    On number 4, I was reckless, and ran headlong towards risks I was well aware of, but ignored, so-called "heat of the moment". Nine months after my first time, the results arrived.

  • Don't think or stress out to much about orgasm, just relax, get better in sex, enjoy sex, eventually you will some position that will hit you and throw you to the top "orgasm" the more you think about, stressed over it you would not enjoy sex anymore and it make your partner feel miserable for not being able to pleasure you. I takes me a long time and many sex to eventually be able to give pleasure to a woman, and yet I'm still learning more and more.

    • Okay. He says it doesn't bother him, so hopefully he's really okay with it. Because it doesn't bother me too much either. Thank you for the advice!

    • I figured out that he wasn't hitting the right spot. I now adjust myself under him when needed, and i'm able to orgasm.

  • Agree on some parts

  • First time? Lol.

  • Not all women orgasm. And even still, sex is pleasurable. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself or him.

    • I just feel bad because he tries to get me to orgasm and I haven't yet.

  • Agree with some of that.
    1. Yes
    2. Ok sure, but you don't have to rely only on the physical. I think conversations where sex comes up, preferably in a humorous way works wonders. It implants the idea, but it also relaxes things a bit, making it a lot easier to move forward.
    3. Yes. If it's a first for someone, the first time will mainly be for him/her getting through. Not that the other person doesn't matter, but you get what I mean.
    4. Yes
    5. Ok, this one I don't agree with. The only thing that's different in this situation is that even more open talk is required: before, during and after. It's not going to be very hot probably, maybe not even the following or third time, but just keep the talk up and they'll get there.
    6. I think there are exceptions here tbh. Say if somebody has been a virgin for an unusually long time. In these cases I think it might sometimes be more helpful if it isn't with someone too special for him/her. These people often get more and more unrealistic expectations about sex as time goes on. A so-so, ok-but-not-awesome first time probably would give them a more helpful reality check.
    7. Agree, but worrying about "killing the sexual vibe" in this situation shouldn't be a concern. Just relax and laugh about it. It's fine to blunder a bit. It's not so serious and the vibe is back in no time.

    • Hi I'm a guy and me and my f2f have been thinking about having sex but we can't seem to talk about outside of the technical aspects because otherwise it gets awkward. How would you go about being humorous about it to hunt i want to but not be oppressive about it.

    • Well that depends on your sense of humor. I can't really explain how I've done that. But you know, do your best to dedramatise the whole thing anyway. and listen... it's not like you have to do everything at once. If having sex now seems like too big a deal, you can decide to just sleep together, with or without clothes depending on how bold you guys are feeling. Maybe another time move a bit further and masturbate together (only), but you get the idea. Setting up limits and remove the all-or-nothing aspect helps greatly to remove a lot of the pressure.

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