1. ‘When they try to recreate sex positions that they’ve obviously seen on some online porn site, and you end up basically doing a headstand, looking a mess and having to listen to them say: “You’re loving that aren’t you babes?” Err, no.’
Agree, but I’d never try that. I can’t even figure out how to have sex in a shower correctly. Much harder than it seems. That’s why I don’t get the KFC 69 thing. It’s as easy a position as there is.
2. ‘When you’re on top and they’re just staring at you and it’s like, ahhh what face do I pull? So you just close your eyes and hope for the best.’
Just close your eyes and tell us how much you love fucking. Not rocket science really.
3. ‘When they ask YOU to put the condom on. Just no.’
Don’t flatter yourself. I’d much rather put on my own condom thank you very much. Can’t have Barstool Groupies poking a hole in the top so they sneaky get the golden sperm and live on off my sweat equity the rest of their life
4. ‘When they think it’s sexy to spank you so hard that you just want to turn around and punch them in the face.’
You can’t spank a girl hard enough. If a chick doesn’t love getting spanked she’s a prude.
5. ‘When they just stop, and it’s like, “hello? Did you hear me orgasm?” No.’
Hey asshole you think we wanted to stop? We fight like hell not to shoot our load but the facts are most of us are just premature ejaculating sons of bitches. That’s how god made us. The goal is to put our seed in as many chicks as possible as quickly as possible. Dudes who last a long time were suckers back in caveman days. So if you have a problem with me shooting my load in 3 seconds blame it on Darwin.
6. ‘Asking “do you like that?” How about just don’t talk and see if I look like I don’t want to kill myself/watch Family Guy over your shoulder.’
Sorry for being polite.
7. ‘When you give them a blow job and they start f*****g your face as if you don’t have a gag reflex. How about I’m sick all over your penis?’
If you could give a proper blowjob then I won’t have to fuck your face so you gag. (PS – I had my toes crossed. I can’t control what happens in the moment. Probably gonna face fuck your face no matter what if we’re being honest)
8. ‘When they ask you to strip (which is always awkward – what music do you put on?) and then your skinny jeans get stuck round your ankles.’
Never asked for this before. Is this something girls will actually do if you ask them because if it is I’m gonna start asking every time.
9. ‘When they see random things they’ve read online and think they’re a good idea. Err no, I don’t want ice rubbed all over my body.’
Does that mean you don’t want me to bring a dildo?
10. ‘When you’re in the middle of foreplay and they thrust a finger up your bum with NO warning.’
I have a fundamental problem with this statement. You’re in the middle of foreplay. How can anything that happens during foreplay be considered no warning? It’s fucking foreplay for god sakes! Head on swivel. Be ready for anything.
11. ‘When they drag it out because they’re waiting for you to orgasm first. You’re going to be waiting a while for that…’
Classic chick. You think we want to wait for you? I’m Billy the Kid of shooting my load. I could be in and out in 2 seconds and back on the couch watching sports. I’m just trying to be considerate so maybe you’ll want to have sex with me again. If you don’t care about having an orgasm neither do I.
12. ‘Trying to go down on you in the morning when you’re feeling really unsexy and unclean. Just gross.’
Seriously. Real Gross. You give me morning head. That’s it.
13. ‘Putting their fingers in all your holes at once like they’re playing some sort of instrument. Far too confusing, you just don’t know what’s going on down there.’
No shit I don’t know what’s going on down there. Never said I did. I’m just looking for any hole and trying to plug it.
14. ‘When they think it’s a good idea to stick objects in you. Just no.’
Oh ok. So the Dildo is officially out. Good to know.
15. ‘Casually trying to have anal sex without asking and without lube. It does not just slip in there.’
Who does this? Who has anal sex without asking first? What type of fucking cowboy pulls a stunt like that?
16. ‘Being so aggressive with their hands during foreplay that they pretty much give you internal bleeding and bruising.’
I know for a fact all chicks like it aggressive.
17. ‘Nipple biting. It just f*****g hurts.’
Can’t stop won’t stop.
18. ‘Pulling your hair so hard you scream and your eyes water.’
And I’m officially turned on.
19. ‘Baggy boxers. Eww.’
Amen sister! If you hook up with a dude who wears baggy boxers you’re a disgusting pig plain and simple.
20. ‘Man stubble. And not the type that’s on his face.’
I don’t get this one? You don’t want us to shave our pubes? That’s stunning to me. You just want a face full of bush when you suck our dick? This can’t be true can it? Or am I misunderstanding what man stubble is?
21. ‘When a bloke wants to do 69 but insists he’s on top, so you basically suffocate under his smelly sack. Vom.’
Maybe this is why KFC hates 69? He tries on top? Chick is always on top 1,000 percent of the time.
22. ‘Eating fried chicken before a blow job. Pretty much the worst taste imaginable.’
Huh? Now we’re just getting weird. Asapargas though. What’s the deal there? Good right?
23. ‘When men rush foreplay and think you’re going to orgasm from 27 seconds of finger pumping.’
Again I’m just trying to help. I figure if you orgasm from me fingering you then you won’t be as let down when I suck at fucking you.
24. ‘Wanting to cum on your face, in your hair, in your eyes.’
Probably the #1 thing I want to do every time. Just kind of proves I own you and you’re my property.
25. ‘Being passive aggressive when they can’t make you orgasm. So sexy.’
I don’t get passive aggressive. I sulk and get embarrassed. HUGE difference.
26. ‘Trying to remove underwear with their teeth. What even is that?’
It’s a fucking hot move that’s what.
27. ‘Not cleaning properly. It’s not attractive to taste urine.’