1 mo

Girls, If he doesn't want sex, something is wrong!

Though this Take is about sex, this is not actually a sexual behavior topic; it is about how sex affects relationships, specifically from a male desire standpoint. Female desire standpoint is also very important, but it's not the point of this Take; one thing at a time. Also, this is not a Take about sexual dysfunction, as well, and the inability to have sex; this is about sexual desire.

It apparently also needs to be said, judging by some plebeian comments I often see on GaG (i.e., "not all girl/guys are the same! how dare you generalize even though I myself do it all the time!"), that when speaking about generalities and generalizations, we are talking about the overwhelming majority of whatever you're speaking about, not. literally. each. and. every. single. person. on. the. face. of. the. Earth. There will always be exceptions to ANY rule when speaking about sociological matters. However! in many cases, they are outliers. An exception is NOT the rule, or disproof of the rule. If a Bell Curve of people, 66-70% or so think a thing, then we can comfortably say that "most people think X thing." I'm surprised that needs to be said, but apparently a lot of people out there have never taken any statistics or sociology courses.

Now that that's out of the way, let me say that this Take is *mostly* directed toward girls, but guys can still get something from it. Take away whatever you want, but the point is to address more open sexual communication, since sexual dissatisfaction is something that often harms relationships.

If he doesn't want sex, something is wrong.

^ What does that mean? What are we talking about here? Why will you find all sorts of articles online about proof that guys want sex more? including https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare#1 that one from WebMD, or this https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/5f84/46340d4ed375007351539e7993fa44e2e31b.pdf study from the Personality and Social Psychology review, as just two examples. Isn't that heading kind of doom-and-gloom? Well... maybe, but not necessarily.

We boys want sex more, and that's a fact. I'm not really sure why it being a fact is a problem for many people (seemingly most of them female), but unfortunately facts don't matter to a lot of people, especially in the age of He-who-must-not-be-named. I get it-- that mindset comes from an emotional standpoint of firm belief that the sexes are equal, but just because the sexes can be equal in matter of academia and intellect and office capability *does not mean* that we are usually equals in sexual desire or sexual matters or what happens in the bedroom, nor do we have to be. Many people enjoy saying "males and females are equals" while in the next breath acknowledging that we are not the same, and also enjoying the differences between the sexes. People act like admitting that guys want sex more than girls is akin to besmirching the good name of all that is female and holy, and that's simply not the case.

There is nothing wrong with, or lost by, that acknowledgment. Acknowledging that we guys/boys/dudes/men/males want sex more does not accuse girls/ladies/females/women of *not wanting sex at all* or wanting it very little. It is *okay* to say "Guys want sex more than girls do." I think that a lot of people therefore think it's implied that that somehow takes away or diminishes female sexuality. And... no it doesn't. Stop looking into it so much. Also, you're simply wrong if you think boys want sex less or in equal measure to girls. Science has proven that testosterone, the male sex hormone, has a direct and large effect on sexual desire and sex drive. Arguing against it makes the person doing the arguing simply sound ignorant, and these are often the same people who will say in Internet forums or Facebook or GaG during a discussion, "Where's your proof about X, Y, and Z?"

Girls, If he doesn't want sex, something is wrong!

So what does any of that have to do with my heading? Well, if you have spent enough time on GaG or related romantic-ish websites about relationship advice, you will sometimes notice that there are many posts from guys wondering why his girl doesn't want sex as often or any more. You will also see a few (fewer in number) from girls wondering why their guy doesn't want sex as often or any more. Where did the passion go? Let's address some stereotypes that we see in media (TV, movies, books, etc.) regarding female sexuality: The dude's in the mood, and the girl says no-- she has a headache. Or she's a little stressed from work. Or both. Or the kid is crying in the next room. Or she is feeling insecure, or something. Or she just straight-up doesn't want to. So she turns him down. Now, where do these stereotypes come from? Could it be that there's actually some measure of truth to them? Guys-- how many of you have had this happen to you? <raises hand>

Now the next question is about the guys not wanting it, right? But let me be really honest with you about this, per our higher drive: If the guy does not want sex, something is wrong. It is not normal. What could be wrong? Isn't a headache wrong? No, I mean something deeper than that. Guys only do not want sex for the following reasons:

1) He is physically really ill (vomiting, serious chest infection, etc.) or injured, or he has an underlying medical condition like diabetes or being overweight, or he has low testosterone. A doctor should be consulted in any of these cases.

2) He is stressed far beyond the normal level of daily stress, such as by a death in the family or he has gotten demoted at work or fired, for example.

3) He is really, really physically exhausted/tired from serious lack of sleep.

4) He is not happy about his relationship, or having second thoughts, due to a variety of factors up to and including children not being as fun as he thought they would be, for example.

5) He is losing or has lost some measure (possibly a large measure) of physical attraction toward his partner.

Notice: There is no having a mild headache. There is no "I just don't really feel like it right now." There is no "I'm just a little insecure right now." There is no mild daily stress. There is no concern for the kid asleep in the next room. And outside of physiological reasons for Erectile Dysfunction, that's not going to be a problem either. None of those things stop him from wanting it. If he does not want it, it is for one of those reasons, or a reason closely related.

If he is truly really passionate for you, and truly very attracted to you, he is going to want to fuck you basically all the time. So, girls reading this who have their guy not as interested anymore, assuming they don't think I'm wrong, may be saying to themselves "Well, my guy isn't sick at all and he's not overweight; he isn't horribly stressed from something serious; he's been sleeping okay I think and hasn't mentioned that he's tired...

is it really that he's losing attraction for me or rethinking our relationship?" Well... yes, that's possible.

"Wait, really?" Well.... unfortunately, yeah maybe. You may have noticed he's looking you in the eye less. Or he wants to work out more at the gym when he usually doesn't, or he doesn't want to when he usually does. Or he's shaving way less often, or shaving every day when he usually doesn't. Or he is watching porn more than he usually does and possibly masturbating more, which is his right, but it hasn't been a problem in the past. Is it a scary possibility that he's rethinking things? Yes, it is. But it doesn't have to be. In a relationship with two parties, both parties are responsible not for their partner's happiness per se, since you can't MAKE someone be happy, but ideally both parties will try in the best ways they can to try and make their other partner happy, yes? Well since sex is more important to guys on average, then there is something that can be done.

Have a glass of wine or a beer or whatever, and talk to him! Ask him what he wants. Ask him what, if anything, is wrong. Ask him what can be done differently. Ask him how he is feeling about sexual things in general. Ask him about attraction and what he finds attractive. Ask him if there is anything he wants to try. These things must be asked openly and honestly, without fear of judgement, no matter what he says. He will not be honest with you if he thinks you are going to be angry or upset about what he says. But you know what the worse option is? *Not asking him at all,* is the answer, because then things simply fester and get worse over time.

Do not assume that he is happy sexually. He would be silly to just assume that you are happy sexually without talking to you about it, yes? So why would the other way around make any sense? He may be, or he may not be. Just because he had an orgasm the last time you two had sex does not mean he is overall satisfied at the whole picture of your sexual relationship and attraction in general, just as you wouldn't necessarily be. The answers you get may be tough to hear, or they may be good to hear, but only by actually working together and getting it out in the open will anything progress and satisfaction be more attainable. Be patient with him, and let him be honest. Hopefully you can help make your dude happy or happier, just as he will hopefully respond and start asking you some of the same questions.

Thanks for reading.

Girls, If he doesn't want sex, something is wrong!
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Jean-Marie_Céline

    Very interesting and well written myTake, and all the points are accurate and right, and I really enjoyed reading it.

    I just wanted to ask a couple of clarifications if you don't mind.
    What if I reject sex because I have more important work to do?
    What if I refuse it because we argued and I don't even feel like talking to her, let alone touch her?
    Sometimes this kind of odd situations pop up in life.

    • Truth, sometimes they do, but this is in the general sense of things. And I would say an argument is an emotional disturbance in the Force, and that would also qualify as a valid reason, obviously.

    • I understand, you are right.
      Thank you for writing this!

Most Helpful Girl

  • smg99

    What if by accident your crush who turned you down for any reason , suddenly and absolutely accidentally viewed a topless pic of us? (Girls) then he stares again and again but that’s all. That smirky grin confidently walking up to and stealing looks?

    • What do you mean? I don't think that's got anything to do with not wanting sex.

    • smg99

      I mean with the concept of desire or the lack of it that way?
      Would it stir anything if it were indeed accidental?

    • I don't know, hard to say

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What Girls & Guys Said

48
  • Browneye57

    TLDR. But yeah, it's the testosterone, the sex drive hormone. Some 15-25 times as much as her.
    If he's not wanting sex there's definitely something wrong.

  • CT_CD

    I agree. It's definitely men who have the higher sex drives. I don't know why so many people actually believe that men and women are equal when it comes to sex drive and some even say women have higher sex drives than men.

  • casey13

    if he doesn't want it all... maybe... honestly ask him

    • Right that's the point, even if she doesn't like what she may hear.

  • Unit1

    "Notice: There is no having a mild headache. There is no "I just don't really feel like it right now." There is no "I'm just a little insecure right now." There is no mild daily stress. There is no concern for the kid asleep in the next room. And outside of physiological reasons for Erectile Dysfunction, that's not going to be a problem either. None of those things stop him from wanting it. If he does not want it, it is for one of those reasons, or a reason closely related."

    If women start following this, i won't be surprised if more relationships start tearing apart or more marriages end up in divorces as it already it.

    Just. Live. Calm. Take it easy. It's really that simple.

    • Unit1

      A much more relevant article *in my opinion* would be "If she doesn't want sex, something is wrong!"

    • Show All
    • Unit1

      Going into specifics = having read your post
      Or
      Going into specifics =/= having not read your post
      If you will.
      It sounded to me at first, that these "excuses" included having a headache/migraine being an invalid "excuse" to not have sex. I took it from being physically sick not counting that in. If you just said sick, then i wouldn't have questioned it.
      Do you have any more petty conclusions to draw?

    • I didn't have any the first time. Are you going to read the post next time before commenting?

  • Steffy33

    You should spunk it up a bit. Try to make a little spicy. Little s&m etc

  • jen_phils

    Yep, agree 100%. The first thing they will ask you in marriage counseling is about your sex life.

  • Pejtu

    thats all true if your boyfriend or husband doesn't want sex since weeks or months believe me something REALLY wrong is going on

    • Yeah it means he's not attracted to the female in question anymore.

    • Pejtu

      that also but there can be tons of other reasons

    • Well yes-- the ones I stated above in the post. I listed five reasons.

  • FatherJack

    Good points , 2 , 3 & 4 have very much applied to me , single FT working dad , if a man not just refuses sex , but all physical contact too , then it's over , and she will likely be dumped shortly... as I did my ex wife. I am glad I no longer desire sex much , if at all most of the time... it is a blessing being freed from the Male Curse , I hated my formerly high libido , esp as a serving soldier on operations..

    Agree with @CT_CD , the male sex drive is typically not just higher than the female equivalent , but far higher on average , T levels are why. Most women would be perfectly happy celibate , one factor why women tend to be happier totally single , than men... I am an exception.

  • BlackRoseFairy

    Thank you for sharing this!

  • Logorithim

    Good, accurate points

  • JamesBlackDragon

    I disagree

  • Anonymous

    I have some questions since you seem knowledgeable about sex. What do men consider great sex?

    How is it possible that a guy who was initially attracted to you isn't attracted to you.

    Why would a guy friend zone you and not want sex with you? It sounds like physical attraction is really big for men.

    • How is it possible that a guy could lose attraction? Usually it's caused by weight gain, as in the girl gaining weight/fat. That's usually the simplest explanation. If she has a slim/fit figure and has not gained weight, then it's unlikely he'll stop being attracted to her at all, but it is still possible because he just... gets tired of only having sex with one girl. Guys naturally want sex with multiple females, per evolutionary biology. The idea of only having it with one female for the rest of our lives usually scares us, which is why the classic "male fear of commitment" exists.

      The ONLY reason a guy *truly and completely* ever friendzones a girl is that he's not physically attracted to her; she's not objectively attractive enough. Period. He may like *halfway, kind of sort of* friendzone her for plenty of other reasons, like she may have a kid or she's married or moves to a new city or something, or becomes like a Trump supporter and gets stupid or something, but if she is physically attractive enough, a guy will. never. EVER. completely and utterly friendzone her. Part of him will always want to fuck her.

      And what do us boys consider great sex? Basically, her willingness to try new things and do what we want, and ask us what we want. Also a tight pussy, but her willingness to do new things matters. Let's say he's never fucked a girl doggystyle before, like from behind-- cool, then she needs to do that. Let's say he wants to be swallowed-- cool, then she needs to do that. He wants to have her ass-- cool, then she needs to do that. And don't get me wrong; when I said she "needs" to do those things, no obviously she doesn't NEED to do anything she doesn't want to. But if she wants to please him, she will ask what pleases him and try to act accordingly. And hopefully he will do the same toward her.

    • Show All
    • No problem.

    • scooogy

      I'd only want her to enjoy herself, and if that takes her to shove my head down her beaver

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