Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
[Bolded sentences for TL;DR] I have watched porn ever since I was 11 years old. I still remember the day I went to a middle school friend's house and was shown 8th street Latinas in the days before Pornhub. God damn, they were so hot; so sexy; so alluring; I couldn't believe it. I was enraptured, engrossed, engulfed, engorged. It was the single most exciting experience of my life, up to that point. They were....glorious.
I evaded my parent's parental controls with proxies, when I came back home, unable to view videos, but able to browse female underwear catalogs, the models hypnotizing me with their firm, voluptuous mounds, trying to find time to worship them in my way when everyone was asleep, quickly hiding my sins if anyone entered into the living room to disturb my mass.
And so it began from that day forward. My relationship with my own personal harem. Which was truly what it is. My brain became programmed; it understood that my own personal harem awaited at home, infinitely patient for my return. Why should we care about these girls who could not hold a candle to sexual goddesses? Oh, I could love. I could pursue. Back then. I still found them beautiful. I still wanted them. But my smaller head knew there were goddesses awaiting me at home.
It caused problems with me even from the beginning of my first sexual relationship. She was beautiful. Stunning. The first girl who had ever let me see her in her free, natural form. Still, I think, the benchmark for how I perceive women's bodies. Even compared to the pornstars I regularly indulged in, she was fantastic. Yet, for some reason, I could not maintain my erection when with her. Which, as you can imagine, fueled an anxiety-loop, reinforcing my softness.
I later found out--no thanks to my ever-silent parents--that perhaps it was due to my over sensitivity, being uncircumcised. My glans was quite painful to the touch, if I could even retract my foreskin: barely. I managed to force it at 16 years old, splitting the foreskin and leaving a still remaining painful scar as a reminder. [tmi, I know, how do you think I feel] Okay, I only had to desensitize the glans. Painful. But at least I would be able to have sex properly, at full mast.
Incorrect again, although desensitizing helped. Each girlfriend hotter than the last, and I still had such difficulty. It was many years before I discovered the reason for my failed manhood.
Pornography. One single epitome of feminine beauty was not enough for me. I needed 3, 4, 5 one after another to satisfy my baser instincts; I needed full view of all the naughty bits, up close and personal, until I finally got to the point where only one woman was beautiful enough to sate me. Rikki Six. To me, she was the pentacle of feminine beauty. And even she did not remain there for long.
I could only achieve true arousal with my own personal harem. And soon, not even then. Oh, I had enough to do the job with my girlfriends, as the years went on. But I was never fully there. Girls could never fully arouse me. And the many times I could not preform, they would blame themselves no matter how I tried to console them and explain the fault was with me, that I thought they were so, so, SO beautiful, and they were not the reason I wasn't working right.
I should clarify that I did not have an addiction to porn. I never have. I did not splurge or binge or evade responsibilities to stay at home and watch porn. I watched it 2-3 hours, max, a week.
After one woman could no longer spark the need in me, compilations became my next step up. 20 women in intimate positions, from one close up to the next, spliced together. Their non-intimate body parts did nothing for me. I needed face, tits, ass, and pussy of 10 different women at least, back to back, in order to feel. I needed that variety in order to achieve what one woman IRL should have been able to. But how could one woman ever compete with a harem of sexual Goddesses?
I say this with a heavy heart and much regret, having loved porn since I was a child. I don't worship women. I do not say this with women primarily in mind, but both men and women. Porn does, indeed, set impossible beauty standards for women. Which, naturally, impacts both of us. At least for me, I know that I cannot have a properly intimate relationship with a woman while I view porn on the side.
I'm sure there are men out there who can view porn consistently while women still retain their magnetic aura, for them. But, for me, and I think for most men; or, at least a great deal--the more porn one watches, the less attractive real life women become--even if their beauty marks the stars.
Perhaps occasional use is fine. And, if one doesn't have any intentions of growing closer with women, perhaps porn could be a useful way to cope with painful desires that will not be fulfilled for a long while.
However, for me, I've found regular use to result in a near complete apathy towards women. During my consumption of porn, if an attractive woman walked by, I would briefly note her form, go "Meh," and move on with my day.
Now, after a month without porn, women are glorious again. It is not perpetual, not with every woman, but the women whom draw my eye have such a magnetic pull to me that after quitting porn I become hypnotized by women's feminine mannerisms. The pull to meet them, to talk with them, to simply enjoy their feminine presence has been replenished in me. My confidence has increased, as well, and though it may be incidental, I feel as though my interactions with women have become significantly more flirtatious, enjoyable, and exciting.
Perhaps my reaction to porn is just a result of my generally low sex-drive; regardless, I am grateful for the beauty of normal women, now.
I very much enjoyed the time I spent with my harem. And my love for porn still remains. But we can get caught in the fantasy, at the expense of reality. And that's something I've been growing to find out. The fantasy can be much more appealing than the reality. But, at least for my life, as I grow older, I'd much rather experience something deeper and more real.
That said, I'm not so sure about NoFap. ^_^
Thank you for reading all of this. I hope you take some positive away from it, even if you disagree with the premise. But, if you haven't before, perhaps you could stop watching porn for a month as I did, and simply see what effects you get?
This is my first MyTake, so go easy on me. :P
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