I’m a trans woman, 23 years old and on hormone therapy. I started my transition 3 months before I turned 20. We are now almost 4 years later. I have recently started dipping my toes into the dating pool again and the water is cold, ice cold!
Straight men are either afraid of the stigma that comes with dating a woman like myself and are afraid of being labeled gay by society, or either they instantly reject me upon hearing that I’m pre-op and they tell me to come back when I’m post-op.
Sometimes I wish I were into women. That would have been easier. Women are more open minded when it comes to matters like gender identity and sexual orientation. Men have more fixed, immutable ideas about these concepts. I sometimes feel sad for only being into men.
On dating sites like OkCupid and the like I get messages from guys who see me as a curiosity. Guys who want to try out a trans woman for shit and giggles but don’t see themselves engaging in something serious with a trans woman. That stings. I’m just a dirty little secret, nothing more, to most guys.
I sometimes wonder where that one cis guy who will date a trans girl, openly without shame, is hiding?
I don’t lack any attention in day to day life. I get hit on pretty frequently, but these guys don’t know my history upon seeing me and they don’t have information about my genitalia. Usually I brush the flirting off as pretending to be not interested from my side. I prefer rejecting the guys who approach me than to come clean with them about my medical history. They are not the types who would understand anyway. Most are tough guys, not the guys who will sit behind their computers to learn more about the phenomenon.
Another problem that I face in my dating life is my surgical status. While I have been on hormones for almost 4 years already and while my hormones are all in female ranges, I still have male genitalia. I feel very uncomfortable having these male genitalia but there are a couple factors witholding me from undergoing gender reassignment surgery: the cost in the second place and the intensity and brutality of the surgery in the first place. The results are variable too, with some neovaginas looking impeccable and some looking hideous. Losing the ability to orgasm is another risk that comes with the surgery. Life long need to dilate ( insert a prosthetic penis into the newly created vagina ) is also an obstruction.
I feel the absence of a vagina as a missing element in my life. I would feel better had I been born with a vagina and had I had the ability to have heterosexual intercourse with a man as a woman. Sadly at this point I’m restricted to sexual actions other than vaginal sex. Which is a turn off for most men. Most men are not going to commit for a life long of anal sex, blowjobs and boob play. At this point I feel uncomfortable having a penis and can’t bring myself to have someone touch it. I despise what I have between my legs. I prefer sexual partners ignore it as if it weren’t there. I often wonder if my dating life would be tons easier if I had been post-operative.
Somewhere I regret that people can not recognise that someone’s gender is not purely tied to someone’s genitalia. Someone’s neurology is so much more important and determining in one’s manhood or womanhood, than what genitalia someone has. I feel like a woman before the surgery, I will feel like a woman after the surgery, if I get the surgery that is, so the surgery doesn’t really change my identity. My identity is female regardless of what surgeries I may or may not undergo.
I wish I could find a guy who understands and respects this.
Dating as a trans woman who is into men is very hard.
I sometimes wonder if there are truly guys out there who could love a woman like me and cherish me and build up a life together and start a family together ( through surrogacy ). Sometimes I start to think those guys do not exist.
I look attractive, I look like a woman, I’m educated on university level, but as soon as my past comes up I become undateable and unloveable.
Being trans is a death sentence for one’s dating life.