22 d

Dating as a transgender person is extremely hard and exhausting!

I’m a trans woman, 23 years old and on hormone therapy. I started my transition 3 months before I turned 20. We are now almost 4 years later. I have recently started dipping my toes into the dating pool again and the water is cold, ice cold!

Straight men are either afraid of the stigma that comes with dating a woman like myself and are afraid of being labeled gay by society, or either they instantly reject me upon hearing that I’m pre-op and they tell me to come back when I’m post-op.

Sometimes I wish I were into women. That would have been easier. Women are more open minded when it comes to matters like gender identity and sexual orientation. Men have more fixed, immutable ideas about these concepts. I sometimes feel sad for only being into men.

On dating sites like OkCupid and the like I get messages from guys who see me as a curiosity. Guys who want to try out a trans woman for shit and giggles but don’t see themselves engaging in something serious with a trans woman. That stings. I’m just a dirty little secret, nothing more, to most guys.

I sometimes wonder where that one cis guy who will date a trans girl, openly without shame, is hiding?

I don’t lack any attention in day to day life. I get hit on pretty frequently, but these guys don’t know my history upon seeing me and they don’t have information about my genitalia. Usually I brush the flirting off as pretending to be not interested from my side. I prefer rejecting the guys who approach me than to come clean with them about my medical history. They are not the types who would understand anyway. Most are tough guys, not the guys who will sit behind their computers to learn more about the phenomenon.

Another problem that I face in my dating life is my surgical status. While I have been on hormones for almost 4 years already and while my hormones are all in female ranges, I still have male genitalia. I feel very uncomfortable having these male genitalia but there are a couple factors witholding me from undergoing gender reassignment surgery: the cost in the second place and the intensity and brutality of the surgery in the first place. The results are variable too, with some neovaginas looking impeccable and some looking hideous. Losing the ability to orgasm is another risk that comes with the surgery. Life long need to dilate ( insert a prosthetic penis into the newly created vagina ) is also an obstruction.

I feel the absence of a vagina as a missing element in my life. I would feel better had I been born with a vagina and had I had the ability to have heterosexual intercourse with a man as a woman. Sadly at this point I’m restricted to sexual actions other than vaginal sex. Which is a turn off for most men. Most men are not going to commit for a life long of anal sex, blowjobs and boob play. At this point I feel uncomfortable having a penis and can’t bring myself to have someone touch it. I despise what I have between my legs. I prefer sexual partners ignore it as if it weren’t there. I often wonder if my dating life would be tons easier if I had been post-operative.

Somewhere I regret that people can not recognise that someone’s gender is not purely tied to someone’s genitalia. Someone’s neurology is so much more important and determining in one’s manhood or womanhood, than what genitalia someone has. I feel like a woman before the surgery, I will feel like a woman after the surgery, if I get the surgery that is, so the surgery doesn’t really change my identity. My identity is female regardless of what surgeries I may or may not undergo.

I wish I could find a guy who understands and respects this.

Dating as a trans woman who is into men is very hard.

I sometimes wonder if there are truly guys out there who could love a woman like me and cherish me and build up a life together and start a family together ( through surrogacy ). Sometimes I start to think those guys do not exist.

I look attractive, I look like a woman, I’m educated on university level, but as soon as my past comes up I become undateable and unloveable.

Being trans is a death sentence for one’s dating life.

Dating as a transgender person is extremely hard and exhausting!
Dating as a transgender person is extremely hard and exhausting!
Add Opinion

Most Helpful Guys

  • SomeGuyCalledTom

    This seems to be the quagmire that they don't tell you about as a would-be trans person. People are so quick to show the "LGBTQIA+ support" but the reality is that, for most people, turning trans is likely to reate more problems than it solves. Personally I think most 'trans' people would be better off seeking talk therapy or other mental health work for what seems to be gender dysphoria or gender confusion. Giving hormones and sex changes to someone on the basis of how they "feel" about their "identity" seems to me like a shortsighted solution considering all the issues it will inevitably cause down the road.

    "Men have more fixed, immutable ideas about these concepts." Well, problem is, this is not a *conceptual* problem, it's to do with who we're biologically, sexually attracted to. Attraction isn't a choice, and yes, that cuts both ways. If you're into men and not women, then saying "men should change concepts so that they can accept dating a trans woman" would be like me telling you to "change your concepts about dating women so you can just date girls instead".

    I'm sorry to be a bit of a downer with my comments. I feel for you and can appreciate the difficulties trans people can have in dating & relationships. I don't think you should feel ashamed of the fact you have a penis, half the world's population has one so you're not some freak of nature by a long shot! lol :-) although that might best be discussed with a good LGBT-friendly psychotherapist.

    Honestly I just think psychotherapy for these sorts of issues should be taken on board as part of the de facto costs of 'transitioning'. I mean, I'm a straight male, so it's not like I would *really* understand.

    In terms of your actual, practical options for dating (assuming you don't wanna get 'bicurious guys who wanna try a "chick with dick" for their bucket list', although TBH I probably am one of them lol, sorry!) then maybe find actual legit bisexual guys or "pansexual" or whatever the term is. Certainly you won't keep a straight guy for a relationship with current anatomy in mind, and many won't accept a 'neovagina' as replacement either, they just will view you as a "transitioned male who looks and acts female". Bit of a hard truth, I know, but my point is that there ARE men who aren't entirely straight or entirely gay. It's a spectrum right? Ideally you'd want a guy who is primarily attracted to women but enjoys a bit of cock also! They're out there, although I guess they're not waving a banner on the streets to advertise it. Probably in online groups or in-person LGBT meets you can meet someone who knows someone who knows someone... etc.

    • Says the bicurious guy who digs trans girls but shits on us when it comes to political themes. Oh, the irony! Also, one does not become trans. One is trans or isn’t. There are no would-be trans people. Trans people’s identities are valid!

    • by the way I'm not making any negative assumptions about you in the first paragraph, my point is just that any major biological intervention is gonna change things that people may not anticipate, in ways they may not understand. Body and mind are interconnected to the point they might as well be treated as one holistic organ. I guess what I'm trying to say is, your mental health should be treated on part with whatever physical changes you're undergoing, or thinking of undergoing. You'll probably find you have better dating options when your mind isn't in conflict with your changing body.

    • Trans women get therapy during our transition. Therapy is literally a prerequisite to start hormones. Most doctors adhere to WPATH guidelines to treat MtF trans women and FtM trans men. You may want to read something more about it before making assumptions that don’t hold true. Thanks.

    • Show All
  • Praec

    "Cis guy who will date a trans woman"

    Why is it important that your partner is cis, if you aren't? Don't you accept other trans people?

    I think a problem will be that you want a cis man.

    A cis gay man doesn't want plastic tits, a female voice, etc - he wants another man.

    Even if you butcher yourself, very few "straight" guys are going to want an imitation - why go for plastic tits and a fake vagina made from a mutilated cock, when there's billions of real women?

    Have you considered trying to date other trans people? I think they'd be the most accepting, the most eager. Or maybe bisexual guys, as they may not mind that you're stuck somewhere in between male and female - they won't care that you were born a guy, because they like guys too anyway?

    You're focusing so much on "I am what I am, and you should accept me" - okay, we accept your gender identity, but now it's your turn to accept other people's sexuality. You can believe you're a girl, we can accept you as one, but ultimately we aren't attracted to a god damn cock - and it's bullshit that you act a victim because your gender bending can't force other people to change their sexuality. If being gay isn't a choice, liking cock isn't a choice - whether it's a man's cock or a woman's cock.

    All I'm saying is accept the hand you've been dealt, and develop a dating strategy accordingly; it might serve you better than seeking a cis male.


Most Helpful Girl

  • GiveMeAllTheCookies

    It's not about being open minded or not, straight men just aren't into dicks and that's it.
    Physical attraction IS based on what you have between your legs.
    You will have best chances with bisexual men and women or trans men.

    • So a post-op trans woman can try it with straight guys but a non-op trans woman should restrict herself to bi men?

    • Post op would have slim chances too.

    • So there is no way for a trans woman to be with a heterosexual man according to you? Bit narrow minded don’t you think?

    • Show All

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

What Girls & Guys Said

  • MissKittyz

    I'm very sorry to hear how hard it is for you. I'm not a straight male, however, I am a bisexual woman so I'll give you my opinion on what I think. I honestly believe you'd have more chance when you get yourself a vagina instead of a penis. Because no matter how much some people think that what someone has in their pants doesn't matter, it does matter to a lot of people. Like me, for example. Straight men are attracted to women because they have specific biological female features that are different from male such as boobs and a vagina. While males have penises. Men would see you more as a woman if you had a vagina. I honestly don't think a straight male would want to give oral sex to a penis :/

    I was also mentioning that I am bisexual because genitals is as important to me as it is for a lot of straight people. If I'm dating a woman, I'd expect her to have boobs and a vagina. And if I'm dating a man, I'd expect him to have a penis. Cause that's what I'm attracted to. A man with a vagina or a woman with a penis would just turn me off sadly and would be weird, in my opinion.

    So I truly believe you'd have way more chance if you get yourself a vagina. It would make you look and feel more like a woman then now. You'd also be less insecure about it too :)

  • gym4ever

    So basicly you changed your gender cuz you dont like girls? So what if you like guys, as man there is 100000% more chance to find another gay guy to date. If its not too late you still can became a man again and find gay guy?

    • I transitioned because my mind was female but my body was male. To align body and mind I transitioned. There is a big difference between gay men and trans girls. Gay men are men. Trans girls are girls. I’m a trans woman, not a homosexual man. You may want to learn the difference.

    • gym4ever

      Thanks for dislike, and its just in ur brain, u can be male if you want to. But who gives a fuck, you me and everyone gonna die one day. So if you dont find anyone it doesn't matter, in next 100 years there will be no us. You will be forgotten, so why stress about something that is not important?

    • It’s not so easy as you think it is. Trans people are born this way. We have brain structures that are different than our birth gender. We have brain structures that are closer to the gender we identify as.

  • 0112358

    Well …

    I think you're correct that far more women are 'open minded' about this, because the one trans man I know has had more success than you're having. But while partly this may be because women are intellectually more open minded, partly I think it's just that more women are not genital focused. Plenty are, but more are not (not to mention more women are at least heteroflexible).

    Most straight men are not bi, or pan. It's not about being mentally open minded. They just aren't sexually attracted to people with a penis. For them: the end.

    Then there are guys who are into it as a curiosity. That's not going to work either. For one, most view it as a sexual experience to try. But even if you found a guy who was in it for the long haul, he'd be a partner who liked the fact you had a penis. And that would make you unhappy.

    You're almost looking for a guy who is indifferent that you have a penis. I'm guessing such a guy is -really- rare. You'd probably need a guy who is basically bi, but a top when with men.

    "Most men are not going to commit for a life long of anal sex, blowjobs and boob play." I think that's probably … the least of your issues. A fair number of guys would think that sounds pretty good tbh. Maybe a minority, but a pretty big minority.

  • FunkyMonkee

    I've been a guy all my life and I don't have it any easier! I've been told by plenty of women that I'm good-looking but, I still can't get any action!! I wish I was born a girl, too but, I'd at least be bi if not lezzie.
    My friend, Carla, got a sex change about 25 years ago. One night, I was at her house watching a movie about The Monkees with her and, during a commercial, she asked me if I'd ever seen a "designa vagina". I said I hadn't (because I hadn't), so she pulled down her pants, leaned back on the couch, spread her legs and showed me! She said, "Looks as good as any puss I'VE ever seen!". It WAS pretty nice! She pulled her pants back up and we continued watching the movie when it came back on. Carla, for some reason, chooses to be the oldest virgin! If I was her, I'd want to experience as much as I could with my new parts!
    As for dating a trans woman, seeing as how I'm hoping toi have kids someday, I'd rather stick with natural born women. If I'd already had kids and wasn't seeing anyone, I'd be more apt to it. I've seen some trans women that are drop dead gorgeous and if they hadn't told me, I'd never have been able to tell!! And I mostly know what to look for!
    There ARE guys out there that'd date people like you. Carla had a boyfriend for a while when she was pre-op. Once she went under the knife, he stopped seeing her!

  • Sinjin_Smythe

    This isn’t even a question, you’re only looking for complete strangers to validate you choice... You probably should’ve thought all this over before... but that’s what a Dad would say.

  • Rissyanne

    If there is a man who would date you... he’s not straight. Straight men don’t date dudes

    • Trans women are women. Most trans women of around your age look better and younger than menopausal women like yourself. You would be surprised how many heterosexual men are into trans women.

    • Rissyanne

      Dude they aren’t straight. And no you aren’t a woman. You have a dick. You are a dude.

    • Rissyanne

      Look how many guys on this post who don’t want to date a transgender

    • Show All
  • MrBurke

    I'm straight but I'm only speaking for myself and I can honestly say that I don't want to date someone that has a dick nor would I want someone that had a dick at birth that later got cut off I'm not interested in a dude even if that dude did his best to become a chick

  • EmoKate97

    What i don't get is this, if you, being a trans, are just as vailable as a real women, what's wrong with dating other trans who are more understanding?

  • FrenchyRomain

    straight guys don't want to date something that has a dick

    • True! That’s why I will probably wait till I have had my sex reassignment surgery. After all, once someone has had the surgery, there is no reason to reject someone!

    • no you'll be fine ;)

  • Dragonstarterplus

    I dont really know any other way to say this than to be blunt. You are doing what you want. However what you are doing is not what most men want in a mate. And this is really something you should have known and thought about beforehand

  • looks to me you will need to find a woman that wants to be a man.

    • Can you please not reply when you don’t have anything wise to say? You have already shown how much you dislike trans people. I got the message. No need to keep pushing it in my face. Thanks.

    • jules0960

      It's just a joke Elissa, no need to stress over it.

  • I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I don't believe in trans gender. Proper therapy is the answer, not trying to change gender. That's what I would do, if I would feel like a girl. Normal men won't date you. Maybe some another lgbt person. Their bar isn't probably too high.

  • NightFlirt

    I have been lucky in that respect, Granted I'm not actually "dating" anyone at the moment but most of the guys I meet love that I am Trans.

  • jules0960

    First and foremost, I strongly encourage you not to get the surgery, the risks are just too great.

    • I’m thinking about the genital reassignment surgery.

  • Cyantyki

    I feel like im one of the few guys who would freely and openly admit that he is into trans gender people, i really get turned on by just knowing that you the poster is trans, and i feel sad for you that people treat you the ways that they do went they are confronted with your past.

    Also: i love how women look, but i hate the feeling of vaginas. I love anal so much its insane and blowjobs and tits just makes me the happiest man alive 😂

    I have tried for years with women and they are never as into anal as i am.

    I wouldn't mention or acknowledge your penis 😉 i would just accept you as you are ❤️
    Feel free to add me 😁 i would love to get to know you 😳

  • Potatocream

    Nobody wants to be with a girl that once had a dick lol fuck no there's PLENTY of normal girls out there

  • On the other end of the spectrum (trans man) but I can relate. I haven't dated in serveral months and I'm nervous about trying again. I'm bi but way more into guys than girls, and I know the second I tell a guy I'm interested in that I'm trans, I become a novelty. I'm reduced to being trans, and nothing else. I know I'm gonna have to wade through "curious" guys and I wouldn't mind if they were curious in the "hey I don't know much about being trans but you seem cool, we should hang out" way. No they are curious in the "hey we should fuck so I can tell my buddies I hit it with a tranny" way. I got so, so lucky with my last partner and I really don't know if I'm gonna get that lucky again

  • Most straight men don’t want to date a guy even if the guy has a surgically simulated vagina.

  • No_Archons

    You are fucking delusional, but honestly, I'm surprised you aren't drowning in dates, because THE WORLD IS FUCKING DELUSIONAL!!!

    • No_Archons

      and why don't you find something else to define yourself as other than a trans person? Imagine if my entire shtick was '"I'm a straight male!" how fucking boring a person am I? At least a straight male is a real thing though, trans people are make believe. In reality, in SCIENTIFIC REALITY, you are a man.

      Inb4 this comment gets banned for being the truth

  • TsundereMatrix

    First of all, congratulations on your transition!

    I’m a straight cis female but I follow a few transgender people on YouTube who make videos about the struggles of transitioning. The 2 main problems they all have mentioned were gender dysphoria and dating. I can see how dating is hard. Not everyone are into trans people. I think it also depends on how you pass as cis man/woman. You stated that you look like a woman but your genitalia makes you uncomfortable. I think men are feeling your insecurities in that area and that turns them off. Also for some reason a lot of straight men are afraid of being gay. Have you tried finding bisexual men? Honestly, I don’t believe in pansexuality. It’s basically the same as bisexuality and I think someone who is bi will be more accepting. That’s just a suggestion though.

  • Straight guys don't want dicks. Sorry.

    • What about a trans woman who is post-op? Can she try it with straight guys?

    • Maybe. I think post op vaginas look like horror shows. Your best bet may be a bisexual guy who's ok with a woman with a penis.

    • Post op neovaginas can look very good! I’m thinking about undergoing the surgery myself.

    • Show All
  • VaIiant

    Why only cis men, as some others have said?

    • Dating a trans man would trigger my dysphoria and I would trigger his :-( Are you trans yourself? :)

    • VaIiant

      Uh no, haha. Cis female. Dysphoria? You mean, make you think you’re a man again? Could you seek therapy about that or is a necessity for him to be cis?
      What about bisexual men?

    • I have tried dating bi men but they want to touch my male genitalia. I think I will need to get bottom surgery before I will be able to date :-/

    • Show All
  • Reubx

    No its not... its hot

  • Wish you all the best!

  • pilot44

    I would date a trans. With vagina or not.

  • Excellent analysis, excellent discussion!

  • at the end of the day you still man.

    • No. At the end of the day trans women are women, we are not men. Ask the medical doctors who helped us transition. Thanks.

    • Don't pinheads like that just piss you off?

  • Anonymous

    thanks 4 your openness. But please b honest: Would u date a man 40+ or reject him automaticly?

    • I would consider dating a 40+ year old male, Yes, if I liked him.

  • Anonymous

    Oh dear... Straight men are not interested because you STILL HAVE A PENIS and probably do still look masculine, even on all the hormones. Straight men want to see a vagina, not a penis, sorry... Why don't you date a trans-man, ie a woman who became a man?

    • I do have a penis for now but I will soon be rid of it. So what argument would they have then once I have had bottom surgery? None. And I don’t look masculine. I pass as female.

    • Anonymous

      Yes they would have an argument - you wold still have a slight masculine look, all transgenders do. Maybe in a filtered photo on a dating site it goes unnoticed, but in real life people usually can tell. There's also the fact that all of your internal organs will still be masculine, and the man will know that. It just isn't the same psychologically for a guy

    • I had very low testosterone all m life. I never went through male puberty. My voice remained high, I’m of short stature, I have no adam’s apple. After bottom surgery, the only difference between me and a cis woman would be the lack of ovaries and womb. That shouldn’t be a problem. We can adopt or use his sperm and seek a surrogate. What is it that you have against trans people? We are people too, you know?

    • Show All
  • Anonymous

    No its that guys don't want someone fake, unliess it is pointless sex. We want a real person who knows who they are. Not someone who looks for greener grass and who can't be who they were born to be.