Transitioning from sex negative to sex positive.

[Robertcw]

exactly

So, many of you are already sex positive and probably have experience starting around age 15 or so.

Because of how I was raised, I consider myself about 10 years behind socially, which is about right. So, I'm 25 so I'm about as socially developed as the average 15 year old, give or take. I think.

At least sexually this is probably the case.

So, for all that are already way past what I'm about to write -- that's great. For the rest of you, especially those raised in conservative or religious households, this is mostly for you. So that your can break free from the stranglehold a little sooner than I did and get your life going, hopefully before 25, and with any luck before 20.

When all you know is sex negativity, and associate feelings of guilt, shame, mystery and fear to sexuality you run into trouble. It becomes a never ending guilt feedback loop because, obviously your body thinks your an idiot for belief in these ideas that sex is harmful and you of course wish your body would calm down to avoid the anxiety associated with these urges.

This is such an unhealthy way to think that I try not to slip back into this mindset myself, somewhat often. Seriously. It would be the worst possible thing that could happen to me.

But when you grow up knowing only that way of thought, who could blame you for thinking such things, really. And that's true.

And this is why I feel it so important to write this take.

All that fear and anxiety is completely unnatural and wrong. You can let it go, and once you do you'll laugh that you ever experienced it in the first place. Or, you'll wind up pretty upset at best. And that's also true.

Here's a truism. Our bodies are dedigned for sex. Simply put, majority of us have the parts and they work. That's the most basic requirement, number one. And not only do they just work, shocker, they work well. So, hello, get some confidence in the most basic level that you're good at sex by default because it's just normal.

This is the first step in undoing the harmful psychology of sex negativity, and it's directly related to feelings of anxiety about sex. Self-loathing feelings, and feelings of inadequacy are a byproduct of sex negativity because inevitably you tie guilt into your self-image snd therefore guilt winds up playing a crucial part of your self-esteem, and that's bad. Let's undo some of this brainwashing here.

The first, and most important, thing to realise is the following: you have the parts the other sex wants/needs, and, they work. You must be confident in this fact. And you can be, because it's true.

Everyone else who is sex positive already understands this idea. When people go out on a weekend looking for casual sex, nobody that's sucessful in doing so is nuerotic and fearful about themselves because nobody who isn't nuerotic would ever pick someone like that for actual sex that night.

Odds of finding another like you who would be are very small.

Pont is, it's no big deal. Your inexperience isn't a catch 22, and no you're not bad at it. Really, relax. Celebrate the fact that you no longer have to walk around with that albatross around your neck constantly worrying that you're not good enough or defective or incapable because you were raised guilty. Nonsense. You have genitals, therefore you are capable. Be proud if you take good care of them too. Once you accept this fact (and it's profound), then once you decide that sexual activity isn't something to feel guilty about, then you're really in a position to transform your life.

That's number one. This is called 'confidence.'

It took me forever to make sense out of 'confidence' in a sexual context. I could never figure out what it really meant for the longest time, but the above is what it means. The opposite of this is insecurity or desperation. That's the state the conflicted sex negative person walks around in.

What's next?

Well, now that you have this newfound faith in yourself and your genitals and ability to suceed in sex number two is social skills.

Confidence is just the baseline. Everyone else who's active already has it. However it's a big step to take, and probably one of the hardest as it directly challanges and defeats your existing beliefs. That's good.

But after that what's left is a bunch of fun confident people with spruced up genitals looking for someone to rub together with. That's where image, social skills, presence and aura affect your experience with this process.

Who would you pick? Not the same as the other people, surely. That's good. Because you won't be like everyone else. Who wouldn't you pick? Why not? Do you have any of those traits yourself? Uh, oh. That will be a concern if you do and they're hard to fix, such as a difficult situation with orthodontics, say, or something similar. Perhaps the genre of clothing you chose, or the fact that your hair is overgrown and unkept, or your clothes are dirty or wrinkled. Fix many of these, and accept the ones you can't fix as dings against you -- because they are. Navigate accordingly. That's step two.

Step three.

Become outcome independent. This is where you've already chosen someone and they have chosen you back. Hooray! This is where a lot of newly transitioning people fail. And no I don't mean trans people. This is where social skills don't matter anymore, but being yourself does. And hey, if you never make it to step three, that's alright too. Go back to step two and continue making changes until you can make it to step three.

At step three, this is where you realize you can and should let them go if anything feels off or uncomfortable about the interaction. And that's okay, no matter how hot they were. Why? Cause you're no longer that scared, anxious, self-doubting person anymore. You've got the goods and you know it. Move on, it's fine. Don't ever forget this otherwise you'd be driven absolutely insane out there taking things personally that most other people aren't taking personal at all. They're just people navigating a social environment, that's all. And there was never a promise of commitment to begin with anyway. Part of being sex positive is knowing when to walk away and not push it. It sucks to lose opportunities but if you really feel that way you probably never had a chance in the first place. Transactional interactions don't ever seem to work. A good friend of mine with many, many, sexual partners has explained this to me. There's got to be something that motivates you to pursue this person besides opportunity cost.

Step four.

If you get along naturally with instant chemistry then you made it here to step four. Now let's see where we are. You both believe you have good genitals that work, you both chose each other based on image and dress and you both felt comfortable and ckicked while speaking in person. Now you can touch them. Step four is when you decide if there is physical reception between you two. Can be dancing, kissing, back touching, shoulder, hair, arm, leg or even genital touching. This is another area where a newly transitioning person can mess up. They can tense up and fear punishment for being sexual in touching someone as opposed to just becoming comfortable with the idea of it.

This might be a big stumbling/road block for many. Probbaly the hardest belief system to overturn is the natural reaction against sexual touching ingrained into you from a young age. You need to overcome this in order to move forward. And if you truly get stuck here then you haven't truly mastered step one yet. Go back to the begining again and repeat until you can complete step four wthout anxiety. There are no shortcuts. Have to go back to the beginning and start over. Luckily, most often the begining is where the most difficult and most important work is done.

Step five

Invite them home. Congrats. You have done it. The five step guide to hookups. If you get to step five, there's no reason anyone would say no to you, but they still could. If so, go back to step three and reasses, let them go if necessary.

I think the best way to sort these things are two fold, employing the CBT therapy model treatment strategy. One cognitive, primarily not psyching yourself out too easily, overcoming unhealthy mental thoughts.

And two, behavioral. Primarily steps 2-5. Practice. The more you expose yourself to these things the faster and better you will become. Don't avoid it. Avoidence patterns cause negative self beliefs and lead to irrational conclusions based on rumination amd speculation, which may be untrue. And the sooner you can start racking up life experience that was stolen from you at a younger age during your upbringing, the better. And you should do this. Everyone should at least once. And I think everyone will find just how receptive people are when you go out with the right attitude and right look surprisingly -- it's only surprising to you because this aspect of life has been denied to you up to this point.

Step 6

Don't listen to sex-negative people. Cut the cord. You must cut the harmful people out of your life. Period. Often this means losing a provider, which could, in the short term, degrade your quality of life. But in the long term, be really beneficial for you and your mental health and life development. You have already lost years of your life to those people that want to keep you down, don't let them take any more. Get out at all costs.

And finally, feel liberated and free for the first time. Learn from trial and error and love every second of it. Embrace the light heartedness of walking away from all the self-loathing and feel the weight lifted from your shoulders as you begin to understand what's happened to you. And begin to understand the bright new future you've opened yourself up to. ✌

And guys. this is what women mean when they say casual sex is easy to find. If you go through steps one - six, you'll find step four will be the step you get rejected most often since style is subjective and highly variable. Lots of girls won't like guys with x, y or z trait here. OH WELL. You still got the goods. And guess what, you can change your look up. Easy peasy. It'll get hard to deal with constant rejection if that does happen, but only if you take it too personally. Remember nothing about it is really personal. It's all about your appearance more than anything. And there's no reason to care much about what people think when they see you even if you do consider yourself ugly because so what. It only matters if you elevate sex to magical, mystical status -- but the only people who do that are sex negative people. And you're not that anymore. Doesn't change anything about steps 1-6. That's the beauty of the system. It always works, for everyone. And this is what other guys mean when they say you shouldn't take rejection personally.

I would think this advice works well for women too. I don't think it's any different.

In summary, cut out the negative people in your life. Overturn your self-loathing belief systems, and gain exposure and experience and even, if you want, keep a daily journal where you can write down your thoughts, anxieties and feelings after an excursion. Read the journal after you have a chance to cool down. Then, compare what happend with what you thought would happen.

[Avicenna]

Very thorough advice and analysis here.