After my freshman year of college, I stopped dating. I mean it makes sense with the year I had. I was tossed around by the upperclassmen like a Raggedy Anne doll. And after that, I didn’t go on dates, I didn’t have sex, and I didn’t even kiss a guy until my junior year at a Halloween party.I stayed away from any form of romance, that is until the last few months before graduation… I matched with the guy I lost my virginity to on Tinder. I've never been more enraged, shocked, and giddy all at once. He had his faults and I had my faults but I couldn't blame him, it takes two to match on Tinder. In spite of everything after too much tequila and drunken messages over Snapchat, I took an uber to Josh’s apartment at 2 am. I still wish the uber driver just drove me back home because Josh turned out to be just as much of a monster the first time I met him.I drank every day after that. Self-harming in the bathroom with a bottle of tequila and tissues in each hand. I'd wake up with soaring headaches and a dry throat swallowing Advils by the dozen with tonic water to clear the fogginess in my head. My roommate and I had gotten into a big fight and we stopped talking. She was my only friend and after we stopped talking it felt like the world was sinking in. I had no one to turn to… Until I met Jeremy. Jeremy was another Tinder match, a Michael Cera type; quirky and funny with blue eyes and wavy blonde hair. He was tall and stocky with black-rimmed glasses and a clean-cut aftershave. On his profile, it said that he was in an open relationship but I knew better than to mess around with that. But one bitter, cold night his eyes looked soft, his arms warm, and I just wanted someone to hold me. I couldn't be alone.He told me he'd be there in 30 minutes he just had to take a quick shower. My heart raced, I hadn't done this in three years. Maybe I should cancel. But he was already getting ready. I decided to pour myself a glass of gin and hop in the shower to wash my hair. I checked my phone.
"Hey, it's Jeremy I'm on my way should be there soon."
I panicked and hopped out of the shower and threw on a pair of shorts, a black lacy bra, and an oversized sweater. I whipped on a little mascara and paced around the room twirling a finger in my wet hair, sipping on my glass of gin. I looked at my phone to see,
"I'm here :)" from Jeremy.
I put my glass down and walked to the front door. He looked exactly like his profile picture if not more handsome. He leaned against one of the pillars outside of my apartment with a small grin on his face. Waiting for me to invite him in as if he was a vampire.
He took my hand and we walked inside. There was something warm about his presence. He walked around eyeing my posters as he unzipped his black leather jacket. We sat on the bed and I asked if he wanted to watch Rick and Morty. He was surprised that the girl dressed in flowers and rose petals watched anything on adult swim.
“Is this a trick?” he asked confused. I laughed and walked towards the TV.
“No, I think it’s funny and a good ice breaker,” I said.
After our fifth episode, I told him he could hold my hand. I expected him to grab me and get "it" over with but he looked deep into my eyes and smiled. He took my hand and brought it to his chest. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he laughed and I couldn't help but laugh too. I wanted him to kiss me but I liked staying as we were. Eventually, I turned my head towards him and saw a smile on his face. I softly pressed my lips against his and I could feel his smile.
No one had kissed me like that. He wrapped himself on top of me. Kissing my lips and running his hands through my hair.
"You're pretty," he said.
He kissed me again and made his way down my chest. He pulled my shirt over my head and ripped off my bra. Sucking on one of my breasts.
OMG, This is happening I couldn’t believe this was really happening.
He kissed me down my stomach and slowly pulled down my shorts and panties.
“Is it okay if I go down on you?” he asked.
I never let a guy go down on me before but I decided Jeremy could be the exception. He ripped off his shirt and threw my shorts to the floor. He parted my thighs and pressed his tongue against my clit. I drew my head back moaning. It felt like parts of my body had been awakened for the first time in my life. He gently caressed my thighs to each side of my body with his forearms as I trembled. Feeling him circle his tongue around my clit. I’d never felt this alive before. He sucked my clit with his lips and I ran my hands through his wavy hair squeezing my thighs together as he pushed them apart. I didn’t want him to stop. I squeezed my thighs against his face and he slowly moved his body back on top of me running his thumb over my clit smiling as I shuddered. He kissed my neck and I said: "go slow please."
He looked me in the eyes and grunted. He squinted his eyes and slowly poked his cock on my clit before pressing himself inside me. He stared at me and held a hand at the side of my face. No one had ever stared at me like that and I rolled my eyes back as he slowly put himself in and out of me.
After we made love he laid next to me and I ran a hand on his arm, circling a finger on a small birthmark on his shoulder. I kissed him softly and we talked a bit before he mentioned his girlfriend. I tried not to ask too many questions about her because I could tell he wasn't interested in giving too many answers. We talked about growing up, our fears, our passions. And we started kissing again. I moved my body on top of his softly kissing his neck.
“Are we doing this again?” I asked.
Jeremy laughed and sat up and kissed me. “Do you have a condom?”
I nodded and pointed to my nightstand. He opened the drawer and placed the condom at the side of the bed. I smiled and pressed his hands behind his head kissing his neck. He moaned and I could feel him getting hard. I kissed him down his chest and I jerked him off a bit, still too nervous and shy to go down on him. The strange thing about Jeremy is he never pressured me to do anything. He actually cared about my pleasure... this was new and unexpected. I’d never met a guy like that.I asked him for a condom and squeezed the tip on and rolled it down his hard cock. I pressed my body on top of him nervous. I’d never gone on top before but I didn’t want him to know that. I kissed his neck and pressed his hands on his sides. I sat up and pressed his cock inside of me. I felt him go inside of me and I was surprised by how good it felt to be on top. I felt sexy and strong, and I couldn’t help but stare at him biting his lip and moaning. He slowly reached a finger to my clit and I shuddered and moaned. He ran his other hand up my side. He squeezed my breast and rested his hand on my waist.
After we made love again he told me more about his sexuality. He was bisexual and that's why he was in an open relationship with his girlfriend. A part of me was confused because I was a girl and not a boy but at that moment I didn't care. I kissed him and felt him press his hand on my cheek. Jeremy was this bright light that came into my life when it felt like I was swallowed by darkness. Before dozing off to sleep we laid in each other's arms. He held my hand circling his thumb on my palm kissing my body everywhere.
Before he left he asked me if I wanted to do this again and well I did. And this led to our “situationship.”
A part of me had this sneaky feeling that he was cheating on his girlfriend. But it was strange because when I was with him it didn't feel like he had a girlfriend. It was so easy to let him hold my hand, wrap me in his arms, kiss my body, and tell me I was beautiful. It had never been like that before.
The second night, the moment I opened the door, he rushed past my living room into my bedroom like it was routine. He took off his shoes and I complimented him on his sushi socks. I leaned my head on his shoulder and we both went silent. He took hold of my hand, stroking his fingers down my arm. I brushed a hand on his thigh and accidentally felt his cock. It was hard. I twisted my head up and he kissed me grabbing me closer to the warmth of his body. He ran his hands down to my bum squeezing me and moaning. He whipped my body underneath him and I reached out for him laughing giddily like a child. He kissed my thigh and took off my shorts going down on me. He pressed his body on top of mine and I watched him put his cock inside of me. Slowly striding himself in me as he stared in my eyes. Slowly trying to loosen me up. He kissed my neck and ran a hand towards mine interlacing our fingers as we made love.After we finished he laid next to me our hands interlaced. I wrapped him in my arms and kissed his nose. I held him and listened. Jeremy was a "normie" fairly popular, preppy, always at a party, with decent grades in school. But he didn't judge me and I didn't judge him. We made love from the night to the early morning. I used to think sex was this quick in and out act. Jeremy helped me realize I was a virgin. Not technically but I realized it didn’t have to be technical. I had the power to define my own sexual experiences. I asked him about his girlfriend... He ran a hand over his face and sighed, "we're on a break," he said. I told him I should pee because of the whole UTI thing. A part of me was happy if I'm honest. I actually thought there was a chance they might break up and we could be together. At least for the summer... I knew we had an expiration date but I didn't want it to end so soon... When I came back, I brought a blanket. He had his hand on his forehead lost in thought probably from my comment about his girlfriend. I unwrapped the blanket from my body exposing my breasts and laid next to him, his eyes widening. I wrapped the blanket around us.
"Even though you're a little sweaty,” I said, “I thought you might want to stay warm."
He laughed sweetly and held me tightly kissing me under the covers. I stopped questioning him about his girlfriend after that. I didn't want to upset him. We talked about all the places we wanted to fuck and intertwined our fingers. I laughed and it came out like vomit.
"I like you," I said.
Shit. I didn’t mean to say that aloud. I watched as his eyebrows raised and he laid there in silence with a smile on his face. I didn’t expect him to say it back and I realized how it wasn't the right time.
"This is fun, you're fun," I said accidentally quoting "500 Days of Summer." I hoped maybe he’d just forget I said it, or maybe a part of him felt that way too.
He ran a hand against my cheek and let out a soft moan. He kissed me. But really kissed me before we made love.
Soon enough he said he had to get going. And he hopped out of bed. He whipped his pants from the floor and I laid in bed naked staring at him. I sat up and he stood in front of me lowering his head to my forehead as he zipped up his pants. I wanted him to stay but it was 4 am and I knew he had to get going. He said he had an early morning class but I knew that was code for the whole girlfriend thing. Even though I’m sure we’d broken plenty of rules already.
Before he left, I said, “Jeremy, wait.”
He looked back towards me with a small grin,
“Can you kiss me one last time?” I asked,
He took his hand off the doorknob and walked back over to me and grabbed the back of my head. I felt my heart melt as he kissed me soft and tender. Tears streaming down my face. I didn’t want him to go. I wanted him to stay. Jeremy became my newest addiction. My heroin. Every time he touched me it felt like I was running on clouds. But every moment he left I sunk deeper into the darkness.
“I have to go.” He said.
I wish I could say that was the last time we met. That it ended so beautifully and kindly but no.
The next day, I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he told me he was busy which was understandable. A couple of other times he was still busy. And soon enough he stopped responding to my texts. I could feel him distancing himself. I could feel myself wanting more and more to be near him.
Out of curiosity, I decided to look him up on social media and what I found completely changed my view of him. Yes, he had a girlfriend, but this wasn’t any girlfriend they’d been dating since freshman year.
I made up with my friends and we all hung out like old times. But that didn’t mean I stopped thinking about Jeremy. Every time we went out to dinner, watched a movie, went bowling all I could think about was Jeremy. Jeremy fucking me, kissing me, holding me. His laugh, his comforting words, his hands. Jeremy was the only person I wanted to be around.
I was tired of feeling desperate and clingy so one night I told him if he wanted to end it, I wouldn’t feel bad about it. We could just move on like real adults. He insisted that everything was fine and we should meet up that night.
Everything about that night was different. Jeremy arrived 20 minutes early and smelled like cigarettes. His five o’clock shadow was patchy and his jacket already unbuttoned before heading in through the door. He walked past me to my room and sat on the bed. I wrinkled my toes into the carpet and tugged at the ends of my shorts. He patted the bed and tilted his head for me to sit next to him and I walked towards a chair in front of him picking at the wood with my fingernails.
“We could watch a movie tonight if you want,” I said watching him stare at me.
I walked over to the TV and scrolled through a couple of Netflix options. I could feel his eyes glued to my backside.
“Sure, whatever,” he said letting out a sigh.
I walked through a list of movies and he shrugged.
“We could just watch Rick and Morty again,” he said.
“Okay,” I said switching to Hulu and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I walked over to the bed and sat next to him.
He shifted around on the bed like he had a snake in his pants. Before we were even 5 minutes into the show he grabbed my hand and sighed like an upset child.
“You can come closer,” I said.
And he looked straight at me shifting closer to me. I tried to lean my head on his shoulder and instead, he kissed me letting out an immature moan. He kissed me again and ran his hand on my thigh.
“Sorry, I just really wanted to do that,” he said as his lips parted from mine.
I smiled and asked if I could go down on him. He’d never asked or expected me to and I just wanted him to stay. I could feel him slipping and I thought if I could please him. If I could give him the perfect night maybe he wouldn’t leave me. Maybe we could be together.
“Sure.” He said.
And I went down on him. I’ve never really liked going down on guys but I liked how it made them feel.
The sex was different that night. It felt like rushed “please don’t leave me sex” and I felt like he knew it. I think in some ways we both knew this would be our last night together but I didn’t want it to end.
“Come,” he said. “Come to bed,” he said patting on the bedside.
I stayed there knelt on the floor almost in rebellion. Until he kissed me on my forehead and my lips. He picked me up and pressed himself on top of me.
The sex wasn’t bad but it felt needy and rushed. I wasn’t particularly in the mood but I also didn’t want to go a night without him. I still think about how I could’ve been sexier or more pleasing to him. But I think no matter what, that was our ending.
After he finished I stepped out of bed and wrapped a blanket over my body. He stood up and zipped up his pants with a smug smile on his face. He took his phone off of the nightstand and said he had to leave for a party soon.
When he looked at me I couldn’t help it. I had pouty glazed puppy eyes. My cold bitter heart had been warmed by his ooey-gooey love and I didn’t want him to leave so soon.
“15 minutes,” he said.
We had 15 minutes before he had to go to his party. Which I realize now was absolutely ridiculous and if I had more self-esteem and respect I would’ve just let him leave.
We laid back in bed and I melted in his arms. He ran his hand through my hair kissing me softly and biting my lip. Until he stopped to look straight into my eyes. He twirled a finger in a loose curl on my forehead.
“I’m sorry I was so busy this week,” he said.
I kissed him and he continued to stare at me. “It’s okay,” I said, “I just missed you.”
He laughed and let out a deep moan as he kissed me pressing his hand on my cheek. I took my hand and placed it over his kissing him deeper.
He brushed my thighs open and pressed his fingers inside of me kissing me and rubbing his forehead against mine.
It was over but I didn’t want it to be.
I stopped messaging him after that but my feelings only got stronger. When I walked through the halls I saw him a couple of times and he stared at me smiling. Probably expecting me to walk up to him. But I wasn’t stupid, I knew better.
For a while, it felt like we had this little secret just between the two of us. And it felt innocent, fun. I didn’t register that he had a girlfriend through any of it. Nor did I question how she must’ve felt until much later.
One night my friends were planning on going out to the bars. I usually don’t go out but that night I was eager to go. Because yes, I wanted to go out with friends but I was also hoping to see him there. I wasn’t disappointed.
A couple of friends and I were drinking at a small table and there he was. Jeremy popped in with a couple of close guy friends and he looked different. More confident than when we were together. I went with a friend to order drinks hoping he’d notice me. Maybe say something. He noticed me but not in a good way. He stared at me with what felt like discontent as well as his friends. And moments later when I looked back up, he was gone. I might’ve felt worse about it if I didn’t have 4 shots of tequila and a rum in my system. I decided to let it go and not let it ruin my night.
We bar hopped a bit and I saw him again, this time I thought maybe things would be different. But they only got worse. When I looked closely, I saw he was talking to a girl. But what made it even worse was it wasn’t his girlfriend. She was pretty and blonde and they were in public, he bought her a drink and everything. I felt this pit drop to my stomach. Never had I felt more worthless or used. I thought all this time he didn’t speak to me because of his girlfriend but the truth was he was ashamed of me, embarrassed of me. At that moment I couldn’t stay there anymore and decided to take an uber home. The minute I got home I locked myself in the bathroom turned the shower on full blast and cried. I let myself feel everything, the shame, the embarrassment, the hurt, the disgust. And the worst part is I wasn’t even angry at him. I was angry at this girl who knew nothing about our situation. I thought she was the reason we couldn’t be together. When the truth was we never had a chance.
I deleted his number, his Tinder match, everything, and I stopped talking to him after that and dedicated my last week of school to my friends.
I saw him at graduation right as everyone threw their hats in the air. Through the joyful screams and confetti, he looked at me and didn’t break his gaze. I hugged a friend next to me mouthing “congrats.” I was hugging her but even after everything, I wished I was hugging him. It took me a long time to realize I will always be his side chick if that.