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Consent For Sex – What Is It And How Do You Know That You Have It?

I am an attorney and I would NEVER think of getting signed consent for sex!
I am an attorney and I would NEVER think of getting signed consent for sex!

I have never stopped in the midst of passion and asked my partner, “Do I have your permission to place my penis in your vagina?” If I had ever done that, I don’t know if my partner would have laughed or gotten upset with me for spoiling the spontaneity of our passion. I’ll never know, because I will never ask that question.

“Consent” to having sex is how you defend yourself if you are later accused of sexual assaulting your partner. “Sexual assault” and “consent” have been defined by the legislature of each state and those definitions change very, very infrequently. The law on this subject varies, to a small degree, from state to state. Since I practice law in Florida, I will use Florida law as an example.

“Sexual battery” means oral, anal, or vaginal penetration by, or union with, the sexual organ of another or the anal or vaginal penetration of another by any other object, if done without consent. Florida Statute §794.011 (2019). Kissing her on the lips or fondling her boobs is not covered by the sexual assault statute (if done without consent, it is illegal, but it is not prosecuted as a sexual assault. However, other states DO treat fondling of the breasts as sexual assault.)

“Consent” means intelligent, knowing, and voluntary consent and does not include coerced submission. Consent can be given explicitly, e.g., by saying, “Yes, you may place your penis inside my vagina,” or words to that effect.

Romance is in the air!
Romance is in the air!

Consent can also be inferred from the circumstances without ever having been explicitly discussed. If I take my girlfriend out to dinner, we have a nice time, we engage in some passionate making out, I invite her to go to my apartment, we go into the bedroom, she removes her clothes, and gets into my bed, her behavior indicates a willingness to engage in sex even those she never said words to that effect. However, consent cannot be implied simply from a victim’s failure to resist.

Even if consent is given, it is not valid if the victim has a condition which renders her “mentally defective;” this mean that she has a mental disease or defect which renders her temporarily or permanently incapable of appraising the nature of her conduct.

Consent is not valid if the victim is “mentally incapacitated,” or temporarily incapable of appraising or controlling their own conduct due to the influence of a narcotic, anesthetic, or intoxicating substance administered without her consent or due to any other act committed upon that person without her consent.

Consent For Sex – What Is It And How Do You Know That You Have It?

A victim will not be deemed to have given implied consent if she is unconscious, asleep, or for any other reason physically unable to communicate unwillingness to an act. If my girlfriend is drunk, takes off her clothes, crawls into my bed, and passes out, I do NOT have her consent to jump on her bones and have sex while she is passed out.

Consent is also not valid, even if given explicitly, if given under threats of future physical harm or punishment, kidnapping, false imprisonment or forcible confinement, or extortion. Holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say, “Please fuck me” does not mean that I have consent for sexual intercourse.

When allegations of a sexual assault are made, the existence of a prior relationship is extremely relevant to the prosecution. Most sexual assault cases can be classified into three categories: stranger assaults, new relationship assaults, and established relationship assaults.

When a sexual assault is committed by a stranger, the issue of consent is somewhat less likely to arise. If the circumstances suggest that a woman had no reason to consent to sex with a stranger, then claims of consent are typically received with considerable skepticism. Also, there is rarely a motive to make a false rape claim against a stranger.

Not a typical first or second date for me!
Not a typical first or second date for me!

With a new or developing relationship, consent is very much an issue. A new couple does not have an established history whereby the male can reasonably assume consent. The fact that a girl, on a second date, lets you put your hand under her shirt and feel her boobs does NOT mean that she has also consented to intercourse. “She never said no,” is not enough to constitute consent. If she puts her hand in the guys pants and starts giving him a hand job, that doesn’t mean that she has consent to vaginal penetration. However, if she pulls down her panties, that makes it more likely that she has consented either to receiving oral sex or to having intercourse. This is getting into an area where a juror might not be convinced that she did not consent to intercourse.

I want blood!
"I want blood!"

With a new or developing relationship, a girl may consent and later regret her decision. This scenario happens often enough that a swearing match about whether she consented, with no further proof of a forcible rape, is not likely to result in a conviction for sexual assault. However, if the swearing match is accompanied by physical wounds consistent with a struggle, and immediate reporting of the allegations, conviction becomes more likely.

When the victim and perpetrator have an established relationship, things become much more difficult. I live with my girlfriend. I look at her and say, “Wanna get in bed?” and she gets up and walks into the bedroom. She knows what I meant when I asked that question and I know what she meant when she walked into the bedroom. Neither of us ever said, “Wanna have intercourse?” This is simply how couples behave in long term relationships.

Later, she gets mad at me and claims that I assaulted her. She claims that she didn’t try to resist because I am twice her size and resistance would be pointless. I admit that she never explicitly agreed to have sex but that she walked into the bedroom when I asked if she wanted to get in bed. If you are a juror and all that you hear is her version of the facts and my version of the facts, how do you decide which is true?

Consent For Sex – What Is It And How Do You Know That You Have It?

Usually, cases based on these kinds of conflicting testimony are resolved by reference to the burden of proof. In a criminal case, the State has the burden of proving the defendant’s guilt beyond all reasonable doubt. That means that the victim’s testimony must be so obviously true that only a fool would believe the defendant’s explanation.

Such cases are usually not prosecuted as rape cases because they are very rarely won. Instead, the prosecutor will often plea bargain: if the defendant will plead guilty to a reduced charge, such as simple battery, the sexual battery charge will be dropped.

I hope that explains some of the basics of consent for you. If you have questions, feel free to PM me.

Consent For Sex – What Is It And How Do You Know That You Have It?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Good take, my friend. Consent seems like it should be common sense but I suppose it makes sense because we have to be taught not to lie, cheat, and steal.
    Both sexes have a responsibility for understanding. You cannot have sex with someone and cry rape the next day because you have regrets. A person can change their mind midway and say Stop and the other person needs to stop. Nothing nonconsensual occurred unless the person continues.
    Is this still revelant?
  • WhiteShoulder
    Thank you counselor.

    One more thing: sometimes my boyfriend will start doing stuff to me when I’m asleep or half asleep. If I spread my legs more and start making little moaning noises, that means I consent. If I push him away and say “Stop that,” that means I don’t consent.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guys

  • Lliam
    It's best if you record her saying, "Take me NOW you magnificent, furry butted bison!" And later, "Oh God! Faster! Harder! Deeper! Don't stop! Yes, yes, YES!!!" Lol
    Is this still revelant?
    • Then you run afoul of the laws in many states which prohibit recording a conversation without the consent of all participants. We are an over-regulated society!

    • Lliam

      Okay. Then get it on video with her positioning the camera. ;-)

    • DorkVader

      Furry butted bison. Yipes!

    • Show All
  • keanuee
    Consent i will wait untill she's begging me for it 😋
    Is this still revelant?
    • Good luck with that!

    • keanuee

      Well if it isn't gonna be 100 i would rather save myself for that 1

    • This actually works by the way, and it saves you from bullets.
      I used to do this with an ex, after we broke up. She said she didn't want to have sex with me anymore but I was making her as horny as possible without fucking her and then she would initiate herself because it was getting late and she wouldn't just go to sleep without getting it lol.
      "Doesn't matter, had sex"

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

822
  • MrOracle
  • Is it really what the world has come to since I've been away married for like 17 years... We used to know for sure that if im with this individual in this situation at this moment then its mutual no and if or but... U just know that its mutual... What about 1 base 2nd base 3rd... All outdated terms?
    • There are too many people looking for a slender thread to hang someone else and at the same time paint their self as a victim. We live in a victim culture!

  • Poppykate
    I didn’t read the whole article... but I kinda like the idea of the consent form. But more for outlining the Boundaries... 🤔... e. g. vaginal- yes anal- no. No choking, but light slapping. etc.
  • ThisAndThat
    I would not touch a female here in the west. I don't go/get near them I avoid them at all cost. I don't go to bars, to clubs or restaurants like Hooters or Twin Peaks anymore. And I absolutely would not date them much less marry them, I am strictly a MGTOW monk 4 life.
  • Smegskull
    Interesting that the definition of sexual battery includes the word penetration and thus makes women immune from prosecution.
    Must be all that systemic patriarchal oppression disadvantaging women again.
    • You have misread the statute. “'Sexual battery' means oral, anal, or vaginal penetration by, or union with, the sexual organ of another or the anal or vaginal penetration of another by any other object" so the oral union with the sexual organ of another is sexual assault.

    • Smegskull

      "Oral union with sexual organ"? It's not human centipede.

  • aicarg
    He has my consent when I am in a committed relationship with him, I know he's clean, and I have fallen for him and I know he has the same feelings reciprocated (through a gut feeling of his actions and simply building my trust in him), and I verbally tell him "I want him".
  • DanOh2018
    Signed consent form given on video in front of and stamped by a notary public and only in a location with cameras and panic buttons in every room.
    • DanOh2018

      Let's go full police state on this sexual congress.

    • That is the goal of feminazis, yes? To make it impossible for men and women to enjoy sex. They are motivated by "nones": they ain't gettin' none, they don't want anybody else to get none!

    • DanOh2018

      Well I mean killing the birth rate is one way to justify replacement immigration right?

    • Show All
  • Juxtapose
    What does a rapist and a feminist have in common?

    They don't understand consent.
  • bamesjond0069
    Personally i video tape lots of sex so a girl giving a thumbs up with me inside her would be decent evidence she's consented right?
    • Do you have her consent to do the video? In some jurisdictions, the video would be illegal and therefore inadmissible.

    • Well its not like a hidden camera or sneaky. I pull out my phone and sometimes they hold it to get a good shot or i say "look into the camera and keep it in your mouth and say you love my..." and all that comes out is "gggsjdjfjdjkdkkdkdj" so i mean they are aware of it I don't know if that counts as consent though?

    • Depends on the state or country in which you are located. I am an attorney but I only know Florida law.

    • Show All
  • OddBeMe
    Seems like human beings intuitively know when consensual sex is happening. I’d say the issue is trying to describe the intuition, like trying to describe porn. But it seems obvious that rapists know what their doing is wrong, which why it happens behind locked doors, dumpsters or after kidnapping victims.
  • anto77
    I think a great start would be simply asking if you can have sex...
  • SkipStop
    There is no way to find out these days. Men are guilty even if proven innocent. Always.
  • Sha84
    most people can read consent by actions of partners
  • tiajoka
    "Do I have your consent to take off your dress?"
    "Yes"
    "Do I have your consent to kiss your cheek?"
    "Yes I consent"
    "Do I have consent to hug?"
    "Just fuck me already!"
    Basically a scene from new girl lol. Its silly, between two people in a relationship you should already have a good idea by natural cues of what's appropriate and whats not. If you don't like something, voice it. If you're not having sex till marriage, say that and say what is okay. If you wanna fuck, let them know by pulling at the shirt and if they let you pull up you're green my guy/girl
    Just respect set boundaries and stay aware if they're not in the mood or feeling sick and you're all good.
  • TrueGrit
    If you're asking that question and you're in a position like the picture above. You know the answer. Honestly if you are questioning whether if this is considered consensual. Then it's probably not.
  • german1987
    I think that it's even stupid to think about that how can you enjoy having sex with somebody that is in conscience
  • hereforhelp18
    It is simple just ask and don't touch if they non responsive, or people who in altered states of conscious. It is just a simple ask if this is okay or are you sure. It is better to ask and it makes girls feel better knowing you want it to be good for both, also that you are caring about her wants and boundaries. It is just a simple ask when they are completely conscious and aware of the situation. if you are questioning it you probably shouldn't do it. They may change their mind and that is okay. If someone is okay with one thing doesn't mean they are okay with something else. JUST ASK
  • Creepazoid
    Not gonna lie didn't read it but I will after I have dinner with my client. But if they are going along with it and reciprocating your actions and contributing in the moment leading up to sex I would say you have it. Never been #Metooed and hopefully never will but it's a scary thought that if things go south in a relationship they can use easily use their words against yours unless there are people in the area who witness the events leading up to the sexual interactions. But in most times it's not always the case.
    • Ok I just read it, yup everything's spot on in my opinion. If she makes sexual advances but still pushes you away or says no or anything to the extent that shows she is not comfortable with vaginal or anal intercourse just yet. I wouldn't consider that consent.

  • themaker39
    This guy deletes opinions against his article.
  • BillieJean1070
    Sheeesh.
    • Im sorry for bot being inportant enough to get more than " shesh" i really am confused how can u get as far as sex and not know whether you are on the same page... Gime a reality where and how things came to that... Do u have to be deaf / mute without hands or feet to alow u to use sign language in order to communicate? Sorry for sounding judgmental... I just can't fathom how that may happen

  • EleanorRigby
    Great take! Very well put.
  • suktirbz2
    so long speech meh i can't write
  • ykavi
    He has a point
  • jimmy2
    Well with your pic here... leave her alone!
  • Jltakk
    Best post I've seen on GAG.
  • Anonymous
    Girls play games beware.. I told a girl i wanted sex instead of going for it, she called me a wierdo. I guess its better to record your dates so she can't charge you and cause you to spend the rest of your life a registered sex offender. Or buy a girls sex. Women are trashy..😱
  • Anonymous
    A note from her parents is all the consent you need.
    • If you truly want the crybaby, go to Sweden because the age of consent is 15 there. But you should probably expect to encounter the full bore hard core radical feminist drivel from her, as she seems to enjoy being a mouthpiece for the far left.

    • Anonymous

      She can't speak if she's a mouthful of sausage.

  • Anonymous
    Yet another person virtue signaling about consent that fails to recognize men can also be victims of sexual assault perpetrated by women.
    • Virtue signalling? I gave an explanation of the law in the subject.

      Of course men can be the victim of a sexual assault. How often does that happen?

    • Boppy

      From your own article, it seems you missed a beat.
      " If she puts her hand in the guys pants and starts giving him a hand job, that doesn’t mean that she has consent to vaginal penetration." I thought you were going to mention that his consent wasn't automatic.
      A friend of mine has opened up to me about being nonconsensually sexually assaulted by his girlfriend. It's frustrating for you to consider the crime negligible because you assume the rates to be low.

    • @Boppy I wrote this in response to many questions which arise about whether a female has given consent and whether a guy is guilty of sexual assault. You are free to write a myTake about male sexual assault and I would be glad to offer any assistance which you might request.

    • Show All
  • Anonymous
    I miss the caveman days
    • Linda625

      Hmmmmmm
      How do you miss it

    • Anonymous

      @Linda625 Women weren’t thinking about these things back then and caveman just took whoever they want and there wasn’t a law for every little thing you did, it was survival of the fittest

  • Anonymous
    When I’m doubt Never trust women. That’s why guys should just let the women do the chasing guys need to to stop be so desperate
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