Things you shouldn't tolerate in a relationship, male or female, PERIOD

ChronicThinker

Hello G@G, it's me again, Jane.

I'm not on here that often, having a life and all. However, recently I've been back for about a 2-day period because I'm on vaycay right now and not so surprisingly, I'm seeing a lot of questions regarding what people tolerate in their relationships.

Manipulation, hitting, narcissism, cheating - people really put up with this type of nonsense and have genuine questions on whether or not this shit is actually okay.

While I am not necessarily an "authority" on the subject, I consider myself a logical person who has some opinions she wants to share about this. So, I've compiled a list of things I feel that no person, male, female, non-binary or whatever, should ever tolerate in a relationship.

Let's do this.

Violence or violent tendencies

I understand that everyone loses their temper. Sometimes people may punch a hole in the wall, maybe you break something. While I completely understand that this happens sometimes, it should never become your default reaction to difficult situations or arguments, here's why.

Breaking shit, punching holes in the wall, throwing things - all of this behaviour is not only immature but it's also a common manipulation tactic people will use to intimidate or punish their partner. It makes it so your partner feels they cannot disagree with you or bring up issues because they're afraid of the extreme behaviour that will ensue.

Also, it should go without saying: under absolutely no circumstances should your partner, male, female, non-binary, or even if you're a fucking ghost or some shit, should lay their hands on you in anger.

That behaviour under any circumstance is physical abuse, which is absolutely unacceptable.

The only time in your life that you are entitled to be violent with anyone is if you're in a goddamn dojo, you're an authority who has to use force to deescalate a situation, or in self-defence. There may be others but I'm not listing every little thing.

You have no right to grab, pin, choke, hit, slap, pinch, bite, pull hair, kick, twist or perpetuate any type of physical harm on your partner. And no, I don't care if they "made you mad," "got in your face," "hurt your feelings," "said this, said that," "I'm a woman, so it's not like it actually hurt him," or my personal favourite: "they deserved it, they brought it on themselves!"

You are responsible for your actions. If you are in a situation where you feel violence may happen, remove yourself. Don't start throwing punches.

And if someone IS hitting you, you need to try your best to have love for yourself and safely remove yourself from that situation. I included links for resources on how to do that and how to exit other abusive situations.

http://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help/

https://stepstojustice.ca/questions/family-law/abuse-and-family-violence/how-do-i-know-im-abusive-situation?gclid=CjwKCAiAy9jyBRA6EiwAeclQhPgv0r7nzw3LuC8salZMK9mzCvPsuio3LlzrtTxw4jhU_ZAI8c4UWBoCaK0QAvD_BwE

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

Dont hit folks.
Don't hit folks.

Narcissistic Behaviour

If any of you know me, you know I was the victim of narcissistic abuse. I had a severely narcissistic parent and it wasn't until I entered therapy that I realized this.

Now, I know I used a trigger word for a lot of assholes on the internet, "victim," but I'm asking you to try not to immediately blow a gasket over it. Narcissistic abuse is actually a horrendous form of abuse and it can really fuck you up.

So, what are the common traits of a narc?

* A grandiose sense of self-importance
* Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
* Belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with,
* Other special or high-status people or institutions
* Need for excessive admiration
* Sense of entitlement
* Interpersonally exploitative behaviour
* Lack of empathy
* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
* Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitude

Now, I won't go into full details about this because I am saving up for a narc Mytake in the future. But if your partner exhibits many if not all of these traits, you need to get out fast. You can't fix or change them. Period.

Yech.
Yech.

Abusive/Insulting Language

This one people may disagree with or may find normal, but for me personally, I never tolerate name-calling in my relationships and I never have.

My reasoning behind this is that tolerating that behaviour not only opens a pathway for more potential abuse but I also feel that you need to hold your partner to a standard of respect that doesn't have room for them to talk to you that way.

To date, after being together for four years, my boyfriend has NEVER called me a name in anger or during an argument. This is because I told him very early on in our relationship that I wouldn't tolerate that type of behaviour from him or anyone else in my life, for that matter.

Now, does that mean if during a really heated argument you slip up and call your girl a bitch or your man an asshole that it's grounds to break up? No, I know people are human and this shit happens. It's not easy for everyone, especially if you're naturally more argumentative or heated. But I think it would be something you need to apologize for and subsequently work on stopping.

If your partner constantly demeans and puts you down outside of arguments, simply to be abusive? That's grounds to leave their ass.

Dont do that shit.
Don't do that shit.

"Sexual misconduct"

I chose this wording because there's a lot of things people can do wrong when it comes to how they handle sex in their relationship.

* Refusing to pleasure or not making a priority of their partner's enjoyment during sex.
* Withholding sex as punishment.
* Allowing lack of libido or personal issues to stop sex completely. (Which does not imply you can't have your reasons. What matters is that whatever the reason may be, you work on repairing it together.)

Taking advantage of your partner or outright raping your partner (yes, this can happen to men and women and you can in fact not give consent in the confines of a relationship)
* Using sex as a means to manipulate your partner ("I'll have sex with you, but only if you do X, Y, and Z," or "I'm not having sex with you until you *insert demands here.*")
* Executing sexual acts that your partner doesn't want or previously hadn't consented to (putting it in the butt, not wearing a condom, stuff like that).
* On the flipside, also shaming your partner for their fetishes or desires is also a no-no.
* Using your partner's sexual past as a means to manipulate, punish, shame, or humiliate your partner. Whether that be past assault or previous partners.

And so on.

Quote of the day: sex with your partner is NOT a weapon. Sex with your partner is a privilege, not a RIGHT. Sex with your partner should be a PRIORITY.

Sex with your partner is the most vulnerable act most people can partake in with another person. Under no circumstances should you or should you tolerate disrespect or lack of empathy in the bedroom.

Dont be icky.
Don't be icky.

Cheating/Refusing to forgive the cheating

This really should go without saying on the first part, but the second part may shock people. While yes, I do believe cheating in a relationship should never be tolerated, I also believe today that there are SOME circumstances where you can forgive cheating and repair the relationship. It takes a lot of work, but I have seen it done successfully and believe you can move on from it, but it's VERY hard.

So, if you cheat or are cheated on, how you choose to handle it is up to you, but I feel the best options are to leave or make a list of things your partner must do before you're willing to make the relationship work again.

I.E. Break all contact with who they cheated with, including telling them to no longer contact them; to have a "start over" period, where you begin the early stages of dating again to reintroduce yourself to each other; And of course, couple's counselling.

Etc.

However, should you choose to forgive cheating, you cannot hold it against your partner for the rest of the relationship and use it as a tool to punish or shame them. YOU CHOSE to forgive it, so you made the decision that with work and time, you could let it go and move on. The only way to truly get past such a thing is to eventually move on. If you CAN'T, don't continue the relationship.

Also, just for the record - I've never cheated.

Gross.
Gross.

Giving up/Refusing to put effort into the relationship

Listen, everyone gets comfortable in relationships and yes, the honeymoon period does end for a lot of us. But that doesn't mean you get to be a slouch and no longer make the effort to communicate, show affection, show enthusiasm for sex, help maintain your home, show empathy, and so on.

There is no period in your relationship where you simply get to give up. Ever.

Blah.
Blah.

And that's it - that's all I have to currently say on the subject. There's so much more I could have included, but I am already a long-winded writer when I do these more creative articles so I wanted to limit it to the basics. Let me know what you guys think.

Duces.

Things you shouldn't tolerate in a relationship, male or female, PERIOD
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