I promise this won't be long.
The biggest reason I'm writing this myTake is because as of late some people have been asking, not without reason - ''If you are that uncomfortable about sex and intimacy, why do you use so many erotic images for your questions?''
This is a very good point that I intend to address as to answer this question and also share the perspective of people like me who have this kind of issues or similar ones.
- It's a matter of upbringing
Upbringing and sexual education naturally play a big part on how a person sees the concept of sex. While my parents were - and still are - quite libertine, I was raised mainly by my aunt and older sister who had the old school approach to the matter, in essence - ''That's dirty stuff and you shouldn't talk or think about it until marriage''. So any research was forbidden, porn was forbidden, and let's not get started on the terrible sin of self-abuse! Yeah, that's how they referred to masturbation in my language.
Like me, I know that many - many people grew up in similar environments and this kind of upbringing does indeed affect the whole approach to relationships and intimacy.
- You never develop interest in masturbation or are even repulsed by it
When you get forbidden from masturbating you can do two things - you either find the safe moments to do it without anyone barging in to check you aren't doing that, or you don't do it at all. Believe it or not, I took the second route. This naturally did lead to some ''incidents'' I won't elaborate upon and I started to masturbate awfully late - towards the 19-20 years of age. I didn't even know the ''proper way'' to do it and this came as a shock to my first girlfriend.
And believe me, even if it sounds hot in theory, in practice it's not pretty to have your partner teach you the ''proper way'' to do it. I had the luck that for all her faults, at least she was very tactful and patient about it.
- Intimacy is a costant drama
If you grow with these premises, it goes by itself that sex is going to be a big issue and a source of drama for your relationship. Having difficulty in adjusting to things, overcome the sensation that you are doing ''dirty stuff'', considering your partner a ''pervert'' because they are kinky or have defined tastes... the list is long. If on top of this you add bad experiences, ''games'' taken too far and other incidents, things can get bad pretty quickly.
With my current partner we employ a safeword even for the most basic activities, because sometimes even basic intimacy can trigger bad sensations, panic attacks and even feeling sick. Although I don't want to limit her in any way so I'm always more than willing to step out my comfort zone to engage in the activies she proposes, that I have to admit can get very adrenaline inducing for me and get my heartbeat race in ways I never felt.
Although I admit that sometimes watching with her all those horror movies she likes so much where young couples gets violently slaughtered mid-coitus didn't really help at first...
- Therapy can help
A good therapist can be a very good support in overcoming those issues. I have some steps forwards even though there are relapses at times, especially now that I stopped having sittings due to some issues. But it definitely helps, although having a loving, understanding and supportive partner can really make a difference.
- Having those issues doesn't mean you can't enjoy intimacy or have your tastes
I admit that although I'm still quite ''bland'' sexually speaking, and mostly follow my partner's initiative and creativity, I do genuinely like those images I use for my questions. In our apartment we have some erotic photographies and drawings - some made by my fiancée - that I really like to have and see as decorations.
I still don't like porn and explicit stuff can make me deeply uncomfortable and even a little sick, but I got reassured that after a certain point it's just a matter of personal tastes, of turn-ons and turn-offs.
Wep, that was longer than I thought, but I'm still very happy I managed to write this to shine a light on certain thematics and issues.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment and if you have or are going similar issues, please share your experience!