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"Moanday" Sex Jokes

Moanday Sex Jokes

Yes, I'm "at it" again πŸ˜…

If I'm not "having" sex, can at least laugh about it, right?

And for those of you that think I have a dirty mind:

πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰
πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰

But first, before we "start".... Since this is a question and advice site, here's a little advice for you:

Moanday Sex Jokes

Ok, so "you ready"?....

Wanna "play" doctor? πŸ€” Or at least hear doctor jokes? πŸ˜…

Bedridden

An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"

The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"

Test results

A man is in Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

Moanday Sex Jokes

Golf Lesson

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, Multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asked "What happened to you?"

"Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that"

Moanday Sex Jokes

Library

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, β€œDo you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, β€œI don’t know if it’s in yet.”

Yeah, that’s the one!”

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome,

I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Moanday Sex Jokes

Health-O-Meter
One day a guy complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using the Health-O-Meter at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the Health-O-Meter will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." He filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The Health-O-Meter started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Moanday Sex Jokes

Clever Teacher
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

The 3 Holes
A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.
He asks the man at the counter, "Do you have any rooms available?"
The man at the counter says, "Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes."
"OK." The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says, "Ahh, that feels good!" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole, "Ahh, that feels even better!" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole, "OUCH!! My dick!!" He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep.
The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, "You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?"
He said, "Yeah, how did you know?"
The man at the counter said, "Well, my wife is pregnant, my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.

Moanday Sex Jokes

When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room, what's the first thing to hang out?
The DO NOT DISTURB sign!

That's all for now folks, but checking my calendar, there may be still more to cum:

Moanday Sex Jokes

I really hope you enjoyed and....

Happy Moanday people! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰

As always, thanks for readingβ™₯️

"Brainsbeforebeauty"😘😘

"Moanday" Sex Jokes
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Lliam
    LOL You are so fun, bbb!

    Tell me if this one works.

    A blond goes into a bar. She tells the bartender that she wants to try something totally different and orders a White Russian. A bartender named Nikolay goes into the back, jerks off in her drink and brings it out to her.
    Next, she orders an Irish Cream. A bartender named Sean, goes into the back, jerks off in her drink and brings it out to her.
    Still underwhelmed, she orders a Chocolate Martini. A bartender named Kwame goes in back, jerks off in her drink and brings it out to her.
    When the bartender asked if she would like anything else, she said the last three drinks had all been creamy and delicious but, somehow, familiar and rather ordinary.
    "I'm looking for something I've never had before. What do you have that's exciting and different?" she said.
    He called out to a tall, muscled bartender at the other end of the counter and asked him to come over. Turning to the blond, he said "How 'bout a Harvey Wallbanger."
    Is this still revelant?
  • Dargil
    Caution. Racially oriented.
    *Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik's cube into her vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it’s solved then there’s a little Asian kid in there.
    --------------
    *Recently I’ve found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker down town in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn’t find out. Irony of it all, she developed a yeast infection.

    *How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
    It’s not hard.

    *How is having sex in an elevator wrong.
    On many levels.

    *What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
    Slow down and use some lubricant.
    This one made me LOL.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girls

  • Anonymous
    Not sex joke but we too have a joke "Friday today close your nape". 😂
    Is this still revelant?
    • 🀣🀣🀣 lol

    • Anonymous

      Do you understand this joke too? πŸ˜‚

    • Cervix joke? Or am I wrong, πŸ€” lol

    • Show All
  • Fun read ! Loved this.
    Is this still revelant?

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

218
  • MrOracle
    And a hearty thumbs up for you, my dear!
  • humanearth
    I get my jokes from these sex to sexty comic books from the 1960s to 1980s
    • That's awesome! My friends dad had a redneck roadkill cook book joke book lmao

    • humanearth

      I just found out these old books are worth some real dough. Who knew and I have a big box of them

    • You sound like you got a real museum full of things worth real dough

    • Show All
  • Tstrbrainer
    And I saw this yesterday, but I thought I'd read this today.

    I really liked the kiss my noss and are my test results back 🤣🤣🤣.

    I have a request, next time add some jokes about blue balls 😵😵
  • Aakash_Hangargi
    Lol a mosquito just sat on screen and tried to suck blood from the breast of the pic it was damn funny 😂
  • katiesmuff
    LOL! Had fun reading this post. Good humor for a Monday morning!
  • swim15
    Wow! You must either love to laugh or love sex or both😄
    • Both πŸ™‚πŸ™‚ lol

    • swim15

      Boy! If your married your a lucky catch. If your not married, why men so slow to see what a gem you are.

    • Aww thanks lol was for 20 years, he passed 6 1/2 years ago... And these days, well they don't make em like they used to lbs now it's all bout hook up, texting as communication, video sex verses real sex, yeah no thanks to all that

    • Show All
  • shamrick
    I have one: so a guys In a fight and his son is with him. This is what u say to the guy your fighting. I m going to plow u so hardware that even the boys mommy would be Julius
  • Kiss my nose and the golf lesson were ones that stuck out for me 😂
  • TCredo
    lol I will come back to this tonight as I think will be a great Monday night hangout thread but did want to comment now on the very clever Moanday... will be keeping fingers crossed your autotype is now forever more Moanday so the next time you text a friend it might go like this...

    Friend: So when r we going to the mall?
    You: How about Moanday?
    Friend: ?
    You: OMG! Sorry! I'm eating a penis butter and jelly sandwich and fat fingered that reply.
    Friend: Eating a WHAT?
    You: OMFG... I am throwing away this phone!!!

    lol
    • Lol may need to... Tired of explaining to people what gooning is 😜 and all my friends now think my nickname for them is moonman 🀣🀣🀣

    • TCredo

      lol... well you are helping folks with the goal of "learning something new everyday"... think about all the dinner conversations you've kicked up... "What did everyone learn today?"... "Well I learned about this thing called gooning and frankly I don't know if it's true or not... but supposedly there is this moonman guy who swears by it" :)

    • Now I tell my kids the man on the Moon is real 🀣🀣🀣

    • Show All
  • alance99
    Damn funny and entertaining, keep on entertaining us like this forever 👍🤣🤣😊
  • So you don't have relations out of respect for deceased husband?
    • At first... Now cuz noone that seems to Want to know someone before jumping in the sac and the way people view and act within relationships these days...
      Ain't gonna date anyone who views dating as composition shopping, fucking multiple people... Thinks text only is real communication... Dating/sleeping with me but sexting other females... I'll share my money if have, a meal, the clothes off my back,... Won't share a man with anybody... Won't compete for one either... Never had to before, won't now...

    • That is the correct way to look at it.

    • Thanks... If it happens, then it was meant to... But don't lose sleep over it... Okay don't sleep much, but that's more from insomnia lol

  • Saarr
    Lol I'm laughing wayyy too hard at these😂🤦‍♀️
  • IronmanT
    Wow... you found me...😈😁😋🤣
  • Jerre
    Thanks for the laugh!
  • COMMODOREII
    *long hug* i feel you. Lol
  • How can you tell when a woman wears pantyhose?
    • Her ankles swell up when she farts

    • 🀣🀣🀣 funny hahaha

    • Show All
  • msc545
    Funny - thanks!!
  • konek
    Sex free?
  • mrgspoter
    I mean it there any quality control on this issue?
    • On what issue?

    • mrgspoter

      Of this subject πŸ˜‚

    • Tired of sex jokes?

    • Show All
  • Anonymous
    some memes for you
    • 🀣🀣🀣🀣 don't have enough bullets hahaha that's funny lol

    • Anonymous

      i got tired of looking through that folder and its a 5 pic max or i would have posted more

    • I hear you... I've read so many sex jokes doing these takes lol... But least makes me laugh a lot πŸ™‚πŸ™‚

    • Show All
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