Hey, if the radios can be playing Christmas music already then I figure it's never too early (that's not what she said) for dirty Christmas jokes🤶
May they make your night merry and bright.....
What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”
How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty women live.
What do three hos get you?
One very jolly Santa.
I love this time of year.
You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room and you don’t get any disgusted looks.
Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…
Can I visit between the holidays?
What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?
Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…
Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Cause she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.
Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Even the small ones give satisfaction.
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.
He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.
The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.
But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:
“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
I hope you enjoyed and it got you "in the spirit" or "in the mood" to spread a little "cheer".... Tis the season to give after all..... (Or take it 😉)
Last thing tho, if Santa not real 🤔
Thanks for reading 💜💜