Sexual Relationships
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Sexual Kinks - My Theory on How They Form and Develop

I have a theory I have developed about how some (not all) sexual kinks are formed. That theory is: many times they are a survival mechanism.

What is kink?
What is kink?

The brain is an amazing thing. Take for example Disassociate Identity Disorder (formerly called multiple personality disorder). During regular, severe childhood abuse, the mind literally creates a new personality to shoulder that burden so the person can continue to live their life. Because how could a child live and function during these abusive episodes without having an escape.

I theorize the brain can have a similar reaction when forming a kink. Take these case studies for example

SPH kink
SPH kink

1. Small Penis Humiliation (SPH) Kink - A guy told me a story once of a time a girlfriend got him naked then locked him in her yard with a bunch of girls laughing at and making fun of the size of his penis. That obviously had the potential to be very damaging. It was very distressing to him at the time.

Now he is in a healthy relationship and he enjoys when his girlfriend masturbates him and talks about his small penis. I theorize this is because under normal circumstances, the man being the the center of a surprise penis humiliation party (pure evil in my opinion) would want to die. So the brain, the amazing organ it is instead turns the trauma into a sexual kink. Whereby now having his penis made fun of for the size in a sexual situation is a very exciting experience. While the initial event was very damaging, I see no problem with his caring girlfriend now indulging him.

Cheating kink
Cheating kink

2. Cheating Kink - I had another guy tell me about catching his first wife in the act of cheating. This in and of itself could for obvious reasons be a devastating discovery. And while he and his first wife are no longer together he does enjoy engsgong in “cheating” role plays with his second wife. A safe space, in my opinion, to explore the kink that was formed from the trauma.

Circumcision kink
Circumcision kink

3. Circumcision Kink - I know another guy who was strongly encouraged by his parents to get circumcised in the midst of puberty for religious reasons. He had been an early bloomer and mostly developed at the time leading to a very painful, traumatizing, scaring procedure which affected his sensation and function. He now enjoys talking about circumcisions on sites and forums and it has become a kink for him but I know deep down he wishes the procedure had never happened.

Origins of penectomy kink
Origins of penectomy kink

4. Penectomy Kink - this one I think seems to stem from a deep-rooted childhood trauma, often relating to a parent shaming or punishing a male child for masturbating or touching their penis (which is a very normal part of adolescence and body exploration by the way). I’m not even sure what the female equivalent would be, possibly vaginismus, but I am so very thankful my parents told me it was ok and just to go to my room. Could have been incredibly damaging otherwise. Examples:

  • A parent threatening to cut their child’s penis off if he does not stop masturbating. (Don’t do this!)
  • A parent telling a child they will go to hell for masturbating (their little mind thinks, subconsciously, the only way to stop for sure is cut it off).
  • A parent making any other number of threats in attempt to thwart their child from the natural act of body exploration.

There you have it. My unofficial, unqualified kink theory (I only took one psychology class in college) but I am very fascinated with the human brain and unusual medical conditions. I saw a connection and had a theory and wanted to share it with all of you.

Where do kinks originate?
Where do kinks originate?

What are your thoughts and theories? Do you have a kink that developed from a trauma? A kink that developed another way? No kinks? I’d love to hear from you. Thanks for reading.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Very possible Ms Loves… and the kink is self fueling after a while. Trauma allows it to form, and indulging in it causes more shame and more trauma…

    • Does it continue to cause more shame and trauma as you indulge it or do you find eventually giving into it helps?

    • It’s a downward spiral. And I’ll let you know once it actually happens I guess… 🤷🏻‍♂️

    • But fantasising about it brings shame not relief

    • Show All

  • I have small penis humiliation kink, and circumcision kink, and both are related to similar past stories to the one you mentioned.

    • Thanks for sharing! :)

    • No problem at all 😊

    • Thanks for your mhg

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

11 41

  • It's not really a new idea - rather it is quite well established that childhood trauma often leads to kinks and other issues, such as girls being extremely clingy because their fathers left (or were effectively forced out by vindictive wives).

    Certainly not everyone's kinks can be traced back to childhood trauma, but many absolutely can. And, yes, it's the only way many people can cope with painful experiences in their past

    Trauma survivors often have a strong drive to relive their trauma, so they can have another chance to make different decisions or experience a different outcome, or even just to prove to themselves that they are stronger and more sure of themselves than they were the first time.

  • I think you're onto something here, l2l!

    • Thanks Amanda!

  • I disagree. I feel like we're more or less born with our kinks.

    • Interesting. I suppose this is related to the nature vs nurture debate. I would agree we are born with certain tendencies but trauma and other factors can influence kinks.

  • Hey, thanks for sharing your take! I'm also an unqualified individual, at least going by paper (if you read some of my opinions before, it's no big mystery that I care about sex education).

    If you are formulating a theory, you probably are aware that there is no consensus in psychology about what determines the development of a kink or a fetish. And, given that some of this kinks form during developmental age, it's hard to study this in a way that is not unethical.

    Your take definitely has merit, but I don't fully buy it. Why? The kinks you covered have two things in common: they are all strongly related to shame, but also to sex/genitals. There are a few theories going around that connect the physical feeling of shame, at a young age, to the experience of arousal before you know what arousal is. They have some physical things in common, and in fact they share some of the same neural pathways. So it is possible that these feelings get associated in a strong way during development.

    One very interesting theory made a point that sexual attraction in humans seems to be both very varied, but also very selective: people like all sort of things, but every individual only likes some things. The theory went that probably us, as humans, have a lot of plasticity in our sexual brains, and we "learn" those things very easily. From an evolutionary point of view it would make sense because we want to keep a lot of variety, but I don't trust evolutionary explanations that much.

    I'm not saying that your theory is wrong, but that it competes with other strong theories, so we are not able to evaluate it without better investigation. There is one more thing though. The theory fails for account for some very common kinks. Why do a lot of people have a thing for feet? It's so ridiculously common, I think it might be one of the most widespread fetishes. And what about those kinks that fall on the "dominant" part of the spectrum—why does it turn me on when I deliver a strike with my whip on someone? When they are unconditionally obedient, or when they are in fear, or in pain? It sounds pretty twisted, but it's a legitimate kink. Maybe it also stems from trauma—I wouldn't be surprised at all—but I would be fascinated to see the link explained in a stronger way.

    • Really well thought out response! Read my part 2. This one definitely focuses on shame. Part 2 focuses on kinks built in more wholesome ways.

  • Interesting thoughts, loves2learn.
    I can't say that I have any major kinks, fetishes or hang ups that don't fall into the realm of normal sexual interaction. Okay, I do love spanking a woman's ass with my hand, as I described in your question on that subject. I guess that's a kink.
    That hanging contraption thing you shared could be hot AF. Would it be a kink if I fantasized about doing that to a woman?

    I sometimes come up with fantasy scenarios that I'm not compelled to do in real life. Do you think an imaginary fantasy the same as kink?

    • @lliam I do not think an imaginary fantasy is the same as a kink. I think a kink runs deeper and has more hold on a person. I, like you, don’t really have any kinks, more just imaginary fantasies. I would venture to say that means we lived without trauma. We are lucky ones.

  • Re: circumcision kink: I hated being circumcised even went as far as restoring my foreskin because I was so unhappy with it, but I still definitely have a bit of a circumcision kink.

    • What age were you circumcised if you don’t mind me asking? And I think it would make sense you still have a circ kink.

    • As an infant. I did have complications from it during puberty- basically they removed too much skin for how much it grew, and nocturnal erections were painful enough to wake up.

    • So the circumcision as an infant wasn’t as traumatic as the aftereffects of said botched circumcision? Would you agree?

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  • That’s really insightful from you! Very clever proposition! Some kinks seem to be partially explained by this. However, there are many many kinks. Do you believe this theory can explain them?
    For instance, I specifically have three kinks/fetishes that I have never been able to understand:
    - I love burping super loud or seeing watching someone
    - the same goes for huge , long poops
    - finally, a more common one: very long dicks.
    Do you think these fit into your theory?

    • Are you turned on by all of these things or just fascinated?

    • Incredibly turned on

    • Well, typically burping and pooping are things young children focus on. Freud would say babies start with an oral fixation and move to anal fixation during potty training. Maybe something happened during those impressionable years. Perhaps the big dick fetish is related to the oral fetish. Or also the poop fetish if you like anal sex with big dicks.

  • This is actually how a lot of pedophiles become the way they are. You might be right. My own kinks don't come from trauma though.

    • That is one reason why therapy is sooo important.

  • hmm.. this is a very interesting read. thank you

    I've had my own trauma as a child while visiting the Dom Rep, but it never developed into a kink, I don't think anyway, like some of these examples.

    • Very welcome. Thanks for reading!

  • I think most of the time it's based around your childhood like what you're exposed to during it.

  • I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts on SPH. I was bullied at my all boys school in the showers after gym class regularly for having a really small soft penis. It happened so often I started to enjoy it and would jerk off when I got home. Remembering their harsh words and their bigger cocks.

    Another kink of mine is eating my own cum, especially while watching CEI videos. This goes back to the time a mates older brother jerked off into a condom in front of me. When he was done I had an overwhelming urge to find the condom and smell, feel and taste his cum. It really turned me on feeling his cum in my mouth and started eating my own often

  • what’s your theory on “matrix navel bugging” kink? Although I think that’s more of a fetish.

    Sexual Kinks - My Theory on How They Form and Develop

    I have a “thing” for female versions of that scene, specifically if it’s happening to a pale brunette woman wearing corduroy pants.

    • I think that one may be above my pay grade 🤣

  • Thank you for sharing.

  • I have a kink unconnected with anything.

    • Care to elaborate?

  • Interesting theory. Maybe you should use this as your thesis and get a Psych degree.

    • Nahhh. I love my job. I do amateur psych on the side. Lol. But thank you!

    • Something you could do after your kids grow up maybe? I know, too many years away.

    • Yes that is a lot but thank you

  • Whole lotta pp kink theories, cuhh🥴

    • Lmao. Indeed, cuhh. 😂

  • I guess if trauma can cause PTSD it can cause somebody to have an unusual sexual behavior.

    • Yes indeed. The human brain’s ability to prioritize survival Is fascinating to me!

  • Trauma certainly plays a role in kink. I think it's a lot more complicated then simple response to trauma, but that is one thing that causes sexualizing various behaviors.

    • Do you have any further insight on that complication? Out of curiosity. 😇

  • I guess your theory can be true..
    My first experience with ballbusting was with my ex bff... she used to threaten me during high school days, and that felt very embarrassing and i think i didn't like it much then.
    And over the years i realized i started fantasizing about it lol.

    I guess this high school experience with her possibly led to the development of my kink; suggesting that your theory may be right.

    • Sounds like a correlation to me!

  • I have a few. Exhibitionism and I enjoy cock torture.

    Exhibitionism started from a girlfriend when I was 20/21 who loved watching a guy masturbate. I was so self conscious initially, but after doing it for her a few times I relaxed and saw how much she was getting off on it. That it turn aroused me and it's something that's stuck with me.

    As for cock torture, i also entered into that with the same girlfriend. I initiated it, but she really enjoyed doing it, which has happened several times with girls who had never done it, but discovered they enjoyed it a lot. Very few have not wanted to do it.

    • Did you parents happen to shame you for masturbating as a child?

    • Not at all. It was never really brought up, just an unspoken expect that a teen male is going to be at it at every opportunity. The only thing I got given the guilts for was when my mother busted me getting a handjob from a girlfriend when I was 16. She wasn't impressed. But I didn't let that affect me. And these days if anyone catches me in the act, I am not even slightly bothered. I'll hold conversations with them without trying to hide what I'm doing. As long as they aren't offended, I'm not embarrassed.

    • Hmmm. Wonder why you like cock torture? 🤔

    • Show All
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