I spent the last several months trying to detransition medically. I wanted to see if I could be happy with my natural body. This is the first time in a decade that I allowed my body to produce its own natural hormones. I haven't known how testosterone feels since I was 15. Testosterone felt disgusting then. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case at 27.
Within a month I noticed I was just uncomfortable. Just all around uncomfortable. There was like an uncomfortable warm feeling throughout my body. My penis began working again. And I found myself watching porn again. At first I actually enjoyed playing with my weenie again. But in time it became disgusting. I would randomly get horny all day and a lot of the time I'd think "I can't wait to get home and look at porn" I got way more confrontational and stopped caring as much about cute, heartwarming things. I even stopped being as loving towards my kitties. I would get angry and upset at times and feel like I couldn't escape the anger until I did something stupid which I would have to convince isn't worth it. I grew chest hair and I now have more facial hair than ever.
Now that I'm back on estrogen I feel like a person again. I feel normal. That uncomfortable warm ness throughout my body is now a comfy coolness. I'm not disgusted with how often I get horny. I'm more patient and understanding and less confrontational. I'm crying at touching beautiful stories again. I tweezed my entire chest and much of my face and I'm finally happy. Looking at my chest made me feel like a monster and feeling scratchy like sandpaper in my neck makes me feel so, so uncomfortable I can never let the rest of my face get that scratchy!
I only transitioned medically not socially, because that would require money for clothes and I'm scared of being in a position where men treat me as one of them and women treat me as a man. I always hated when cute guys treated me like some dorky boy they could pick on and when girls, who I really just wanted to be friends with, thought I'm some gross loser. I just wanted to see if I could let my body do its natural thing. And I can't. Testosterone still makes me suicidal. Im not some horny, hairy, short, weak loser with man boobs.
Why can't I be happy with my natural body? Why do people treat me like I have a choice to be trans? I wish I could be normal but I can't be a man.
IMPORTANT:
When I say testosterone and being a man makes me feel like a monster and makes me feel disgusting and lame I'm not saying that I feel that way about men. I'm not saying men should feel that way about themselves. If you would actually believe that my thoughts and feelings are that of a woman then you'd understand that I'm only talking about myself, a woman with a foreign genital that gets aroused too fast and often and thick, dark hair growing from her breasts.
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