How being molested years ago has still affected me.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to clarify, I'm not looking for sympathy. I simply want to share this and for anyone who's been through the same thing, maybe they can relate (unfortunately)

I was subjected to perverted behavior from my own grandfather from the ages of 9-15.

The actual molestation only happened once, when I was 11.

Here's how it has, and still is affecting me:

Self Harm

I never really thought of him as a grandfather, I met him for the first time when I was 9 and he let me act however I wanted and he didn't treat me like a normal grandfather would.

I'm always blamed myself for letting all of this happen. At the age of 12 I knew he was perverted, yet I kept spending time with him because I liked being showered with gifts.

I know now that he was grooming me, but I can't help but to beat myself up over it.

From 15-17 I would self harm bc of how much of a freak I thought I was. I had to go to the ER for emergency stitches at one point.

I carry those scars every day.

Feeling disgusting during sexual intimacy

Not every intimate interaction with my boyfriend is full of disgust, there have been many genuinely amazing experiences.

But sometimes during sex or when my boyfriend kisses my neck, I shut down internally. I feel so dirty and wrong, I feel disgusting in my own skin. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to die in the moment...

It's so odd because at the same time I'm very hypersexual. And go figure, my hypersexuality started at around 9.

I feel like I have no grandfather now

Needed a photo that makes me feel good

My maternal grandfather wasn't even there to be my mother's dad. I never met my paternal great-grandfather (he passed away) and my paternal grandfather molested me.

The only normal grandfather figure I had in my life was my maternal great-grandfather. He was everything a real grandfather should be and more, he was loving and kind and normal. He passed away a few years ago, and it hurts so much knowing I have no grandfathers now.

I could have had one more grandfather if he thought of me the way he was supposed to.

The truth is

I tell people he's dead to me, but for someone to be truly dead to you, they can't affect you anymore. So the truth is, he's not dead to me. He always lingers in the back of my mind, I can't seem to get rid of him. Sometimes I wish he would die, but I know that won't ease the burden of the mental torment he's putting me through.

So, despite of it all, am I happy now?

https://images.app.goo.gl/wJQEzdfDv4J51A2Z7

#mentalhealth

#yikes

[Shreetanu]

I don't know what your real name is but i'm gonna call you Vendela. So, i would love to share these few lines for ya. It took place months ago, i was on a train when an old man started to touch me inappropriately below my belt inspite of the fact that i'm a guy. As it was my first time experiencing something like that so i was't quick enough to react. Needless to say people were not gonna accept the scene of a young guy beating an old one irrespective of the reasons i give. ya people are dumb. But still i got ready to beat the crap out of him, luckily his station arrived and he got off. That haunted me for few days until i came to know the same sh*t happened to my best friend too. We just had a good convo and the dark feelings faded. I can understand Vendela, how it's gonna feel when you are a girl and that typical old man is your grandpa... but trust me, things are gonna get better... but how? slightly change your perspective.. after he dies (i hope soon), the guy who molested you does't exist, let that cursed body and your guilt spoil inside the grave. The wounds inside you won't have a source, the trauma you have been through is now a past as the demon is serving his sentence in hell, your skin knows it has been touched but by whom? let your soul grow up piercing through anything and everything that comes in the way... i would love to see her turning into the strong, classy and fearless woman she deserves to be.. She is Vendela!

[myTake Owner]

Thank you ❤️

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

This is a really powerful myTake, thank you so much for sharing it with us; and I also want to express how deeply sorry I am that you had to go through all this. I'm not good at expressing emotions over the Internet but reading this is making me shake both from anger and heartbreak. It's painfully clear how much what happened and the ensuing situation is devouring you from the inside, and for this you have all my support and sympathy. What you went through is horrible and I can't even imagine how it must have been for you to live through such a situation. To be betrayed and abused by someone you trust and look upon for protection is one of the worst things that can happen to a kid. I'm not sure about what else to say; but I can say for sure, that you are very, very strong and intelligent, and that despite what you went through are very determined to carve your path to your own happiness, and that your spirit is powerful and untameable. You went through something horrible, but you live, and that's what matter. You are far better and stronger than him and everyone who doesn't believe you or drags you down. I believe in you, and believe that you'll be able to decide for your life and make the right choices and find your own happiness. You have a fiery spirit, never let someone put it down!

[myTake Owner]

Wow thank you so much, I didn't expect to read such a kind, empathetic comment. I appreciate you!

[crossdressingrihno]

Hey...
Look I'm not going say anything publicly but you have my sympathies
More than that you have my respect
You have my respect not because of this "incident" (I'm using incident because I'm trying not to get pissed off but I will talk to you about it in DMs I guess but I will say that I to some extent understand your pain yeah again I'll talk to you about it) you have my respect because you're actually entertaining to talk to and most people are f****** boring. In a lot of ways I don't want you to change but I do hope that you can get over your issues though like truly get over them.

Again you have my sympathies and my respect

[JoyGirl]

I am sorry you went through that. ;-;

You didn’t do anything wrong. He was at fault, and you were young. Don’t blame yourself anymore.
Recondition your mind on a daily basis, and say positive affirmations. It will take time to overcome what he did, but you got this.
Stay strong girl! 💜

[myTake Owner]

Thank you for your kind words ❤️

[JoyGirl]

🤗💜

[ColHathi]

This was a great read, thank you you very much :)

[Grond21]

Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot to admit you are treated so badly. It takes a lot to admit that it was a family member. And it takes a lot to admit how it still affects you. Yet you did all of those, and that makes you very courageous

[myTake Owner]

Thank you, that actually means a lot to me. I don't feel very courageous at all

[Grond21]

You are more than welcome. And you are courageous

[Juxtapose]

Too many people I know have been molested but thankfully I have not. You seem like a good egg, you have my sympathies even if you don't want it because I can't help it. I'm human and when I hear of an innocent suffering like this I feel sympathetic.

[Guardian45]

I cannot fathom the pain and shame that you must have gone/are going through that caused you shutdown and self-harm. Self-healing is a journey, and sometimes it takes us a lifetime.

I am a PTSD survivor of 25 years now. I won't go into the details, but it was caused by my previous job, paramedic. The awful thing about PTSD is that once you think you have it beat, something triggers you again and you relive the whole nightmare again. You are never cured. You can only learn to understand, manage, control and survive it. Years of CBT, self-learned tips & techniques and now CBD are my tools to survive it.

You must develop your own toolkit to survive your own nightmare. Publicly-speaking up is a great step to your recovery and survival. You CAN beat it! Good Luck!

[myTake Owner]

Thank you friend 😌

[Guardian45]

You're welcome!