Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I haven't done a sex joke take for awhile, and seeing I just turned 50, thought I'd do an old people sex joke take... Old people still think about sex and after all isn't it "the thought that counts"🤣... Hope you enjoy😊
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Lost man
A man is lost. He decides to stop and ask for directions at a farm. Before he knocks on the door, he saw in the window an old, naked couple. The wife was pulling her breasts, and the husband was jerking off. Horrified, the man runs across the street to another house.
The homeowner tells the man, "They're deaf. She's saying 'Milk the cows,' and he's saying 'Go fuck yourself."
Face Lift
An elderly lady visits her plastic surgeon complaining that every time she gets a face lift its only a matter of months before she needs another one. The surgeon being a sympathetic man offers her an experimental treatment. The treatment he tells her , involves screwing a small knob into the back of her head and every time she feels her face sag she can just tighten it up. The elderly lady leaves looking like a twenty year old and is delighted. However the story does not end there.
About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."
Senior special
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account".
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Senior marriage
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
sextional
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Sex organs
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger
couple's exam
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do", said the man.
"After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
Old Virgin
An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different.
"I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her.
"The good news is you don't have crabs."
"Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked
"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."
Electrifying sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you”.
“Yes”, she replies. “I remember it well”.
“OK”, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea. I love it!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation. Having a chuckle to himself, he thinks: I’ve got to see these two old-timers in action. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble."
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence; the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still unable to tear himself away, finally approaches them.
“Excuse me”, he says. “That was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.
“50 years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence!”
I hope you enjoyed! And as a special treat... My new "just turned 50" profile pic:
Thanks for reading, 💛
"Brainsbeforebeauty"😘
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