Sexual Relationships
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Giving up your V card: Avoiding a lifetime of misery

Giving up your V card: Avoiding a lifetime of misery

There is an indisputable truth: sex is the engine that drives intimate relationships. When the sex is good the relationship is very likely good. Thermonuclear sex puts all those minor annoyances into perspective and greases the relational skids.

For a couple to enter into a lifelong commitment to an intimate relationship without knowing for certain that the sex works is absolutely foolhardy. I'm a man of considerable faith but I also believe the proscriptions in biblical times against premarital sex derived from the lack of reliable birth control and scientific paternity determination. That's why being considered Jewish by birth derives from the mother's faith: everyone knows who someone's mother is. Illegitimate children were a major problem in the eyes of the patriarchs of the time so they made the rule: no sex before marriage.

For someone to buy a car with a lifetime commitment without a test drive is ultimately stupid on its face. The new University of Phoenix commercial is right on point: Drive before you buy. I feel it's just prudent and wise to find out if you're sexually compatible with your partner before you marry them. While St. Paul may have written beautifully about love, it doesn't not understand all. Romantic love is based largely on the presence of satisfying sex. There is such a thing a really bad sex. There are also innumerable hang ups, fetishes, and proclivities that surround sex. Therefore, get to know your prospective partner sexually before saying I do for LIFE!

I'm not advocating casual or irresponsible sex. I'm just saying it's something that one needs some knowledge of vis a vis a partner before committing to a permanent relationship

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't understand. Are you trying to say there is a risk I'll ruin my sexlife by marrying the wrong woman after I've already established I'm able to be happy without a sex life in the first place? How could adding a wife into the mix make me less happy, regardless of her attributes?

    Concerning the car example, I'm pretty sure if I'd never experienced a car before and was used to walking everywhere, if someone gave me a car I'd be thrilled, regardless of how it compares to other cars.

    This whole idea of sexual incompatibility is based on the premise that people have established expectations for sexual performance, which seems irreverent for virgins unless perhaps they are neck-deep in hard-core P*rnography .

    Also, studies show that the majority of a sexual experience is mental/emotional rather than physical, so if you know you have chemistry with someon and you're sexually driven just by being around them, how is starting a sex-life after marriage possibly going to prove a bad thing?

    In conclusion, you are a sillyhead.

    • I enjoyed this exchange.

    • I love this. So much.

    • Isn't it great that we live in a country where such stark differences of opinion can exist comfortably. That you are asexual makes yours a very special case.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • "When the sex is good the relationship is very likely good."

    You don't really believe that, do you? That thing, that you wrote, there?

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I gave up my virginity to a guy i knew and i don't regret it not 1 bit because the first time jsut hurts for us girls and blood is involved too... so i'm glad i got that over with so now i can enjoy sex without worrying about it, honestly i was ready lol, life is too short to give your virginity to some guy you hope will be your soul mate and one too many times people have saved their virginity for the "right one", they give it up to them then a while later they got cheated on... lol, life is definitely too short to care about your v card, sex is sex and people tend to hype it up to more than it is.

    • I agree, waiting for the right one or a least someone decent is a good idea but that does not mean you will be with this person forever just like waiting for marriage does not mean you will be married to this person forever unless you want to force yourself to stay married because you want to get married once lol

    • ow... all the thumbs down... lol well i'm not ashamed of my sexuality, i wanted to therefore it's not wrong and it's not wrong for any of you ether. I expect most of you are just insecure males jealous of that 1 lucky dude who got to pop my cheery xD lol, glad it's done and over with because after that i had quite a few AMAZING! sexual experiences and again don't regret it 1 bit, it was exciting and so so good *rubs in face* haha. @Creole_Flavor I honestly don't care about waiting for the "right one" because rarely do we ever stay with our first love there is always others after that for most people, i honestly wouldn't even force myself to date someone nvm marriege (that sounds weird to say lol *shudder*).

  • "Indisputable truth". Yeah, no. Ever heard of asexuals? Because I have quite a few asexual friends who would strongly disagree with you. While I personally don't think abstinence until marriage would ever work for me, partially for the reasons you gave, it is still entirely true that intimate relationships can survive and prosper without being sexual. People are different. For some, sex is a priority, for some romance is more important, for some neither have any appeal. Just because you personally are a certain way doesn't mean everyone is, and that everyone must conform to your standards.

    Essentially, yes, sex can be important. But it can also be unimportant. People are different, and as such relationships between people are different.

    • Asexuals are based more on romance and emotion, right? Like kissing & cuddling, but not further?

    • @KBob93: Sort of. Basically all asexual means is they don't feel sexual attraction. So yes, they're mainly attracted to people who they find romantically attractive, rather than physically. For some that means they don't like sex at all, for some it's just kind of meh, for some it is actually enjoyable, and they may even have a libido.

    • Yea that's bullshit asexuality is an excuse people use to rationalize not ever making a move on someone. You can't be in a relationship where your not physically attracted to the other person it is the prime example of antithesis. Humans perceive love through the senses and touch is a huge factor, if your not attracted to the other person you can never get past this barrier.

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  • I agree with all of this except the point about "When the sex is good, the relationship is very likely good." I've seen so many examples to disprove this. It's a large reason why people stay in dysfunctional relationships or agree to a friends with benefits type thing with an ex who they can't even stand anymore. Just because the sex is great doesn't mean the relationship is anywhere near great.

    • My point was really the inverse: bad sex has a hugely detrimental effect on a relationship.

    • @Asker-bad sex? ahahaa... sex improves as it is practised... more and more.. if you really get laid then you can't deny that... someone can be bad at sex because of less experience or insecurities or any dysfunction...

    • @singlebee - this is by no means automatic, and many many couples have deteriorating, not improving sex lives.

  • I understand the point you're making but I can also understand why others may want to wait until marriage. It's a personal choice that everyone has the right to make for themselves. I don't think either is "right" or "wrong." It just depends on what the individual feels is right for them.

    • Well said! I'm not trying to change people's minds. I'm trying to identify a major risk to waiting that needs to be factored into the decisions surrounding the relationship. Was there my opinion in there? Of course. That's why we call it a Take.

    • I understand, I wasn't criticizing you or anything, merely pointing out that everyone is different :)

    • Agreed from one who has always been different.

  • I don't need to have sex with someone to know that I'm sexually attracted to them, love them and want them in my life. If you are attracted to someone, have strong feelings for them then the sex will be good. Just like everything else is automatically good when you are with someone you've fallen in love with. Some people downplay this which is sad. Do not underestimate the power of love. Also "bad sex"... really? How can sex be bad if it's with someone you love and care about? Once again, I hope you realize that it's possible to discuss sexual topics in a relationship. It's not foreign. I've discussed sexual things with past boyfriends long before I ever did anything with them physically.

    • "sexual compability". That is a keyword you need to adress too. Because while i agree with you, you can't really find out what sexual habits you two have in therms of how often and when just by talking. You might have ideas, but oftentimes those don't hold when put to the test. Do not underestimate the power of frustration at your partner who never wants sex.

    • As if sleeping with your partner is a guarantee that he/she will keep wanting sex... you seem to forget that dynamics in a relationship change too. Just because your partner is apparently sexually compatible with you now doesn't mean it will be that way forever either... especially if we're talking in terms of how often your partner wants sex. If you think someone's sex drive will remain the same forever and be consistent then I have bad news for you.

    • I think you should take this to the streets and write you own Take. Sex is extraordinarily complicated and it often happens that people marry as virgins thinking they know what they want sexually only to discover other elements of their sexual appetite that their partner finds disgusting. Now what?

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  • Comparing each other to cars does not work in this subject.

    It is comparing a biological being able to adopt and built and improved every second, to a lifeless machine programmed to do a certain work not being able to change.

    In this matter too comparing people to machines makes a mentality of using rather than building. People in this mentality try to find someone perfect which they will never find. and in this quest give up trying to build a stable life to a multiple of trial and error examinations. And in those examinations not only they lose time for building but they lose energy, age and privilege to the younger generations for making that stable structure.

    The car mentality does nothing but to make promiscuous confused individuals in short term relationships. Relationships are built upon understanding and a try to get compatible with each other and the force for that try is love between the too.

    So first a feeling should be existing. Then a living should be made with all its aspects including physical attachment that is also very important. and through that living a try for understanding each other.

    sexual activities are a great part of relationships and even love. but it is never and should never be considered the goal of a relationship.

    one for we are not physically or in action perfect in all ways whatever we do.
    second any action and physical acts can be improved at any time.

    A 14 year old girl does not know anything about sex, how to perform a fellatio even. with a good partner also inexperienced as her he may be, and a clear open mind towards sexual activities she can become amazing in bed by the time she gets 16. as well as her partner.

    Even having different amounts of sex drive can be tolerated by the partners to build a balanced sex life.

    So not having sex itself but an open mind and a realistic image about sexual activities for experiencing one's sexuality in any way should be taught to youngsters...

    • to help many of them overcome the fear they might have for experiencing and improving their sexual side. I am not against having sex before marriage. But only in a strong relationship which is not sex-centered. And I am strongly against having sex in a way to lead to a promiscuous life. it should not be encouraged between the younger generations because it only lead them to an uncertain life in the future.

  • Some of the people who disagree with this are some of the same people who are (or will be) causing divorce rates to be so high.

    • I love your handle!!! Kind of my counter fetish. Thanks so much for your support!!

    • I would argue that promiscuity is contributing more to the breakdown of marriages than the absence of it.

    • @tinyclit... lol... have a name... I was going to attack these people as well, but you did it brilliantly. They will learn the hard way like me. @anno_domini I would argue that the pressure to get married destroys more marriages than promiscuity.

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  • Whether sex works? Whether his erect penis can penetrate her vaginal canal? Are you serious?

    You are putting the cart before the horse. True love makes great sex. True love never happens overnight. The spark might, but there must always be work.

    Let's say you meet a beautiful woman in a bar and you take her home and sleep with her. The sex is great. Let's say the next day you marry her.

    What are the chances of you staying together, growing old together, and remaining husband and wife until you both pass of old age?

    I'll give you a clue, the anullment will happen within a week, when you finally find out who you two really are. You NEVER find that out with sex. Sex only clouds the mind, and blinds you. Until the foundation is there, dating in total, bitter celibacy, not even making out, for months and years, you will NEVER really know her.

    Men who talk about sexual compatibility, I feel, are lazy and do not want to invest any real time in getting to know a woman, or deny themselves.

    How many couples who have been together for fifty years, can say, "We discovered our sexual compatibility before we ever got married" That is simply untrue. Sex destroys the future of the relationship, if you have it in your mind to be sexually compatible. Work on the heart, and the great sex will follow.

    Be sure they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, sex only deceives you about their true nature.

  • The title sounds like a really dramatic action movie sequel haha

    • Thanks!

  • That's not true. I know many relationships where sex was the only thing good in them. It's an important factor... IF sex is important to both or one individual/s.

    And people should definitely talk about what they want before they engage into a relationship. I find that so many men whine about not getting sex when they marry but they knew that their wives weren't very active before.

  • This is the best mytake ever.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. The articles feature was down so long on the site, I almost gave up when up it popped. I'm glad you found it useful.

  • Why get married?

    Seriously though... it's just a piece of paper. If you love someone and want to be with them, then love them and be with them. If you want to be committed to them, then commit. A ring and a legal document are unnecessary.

    Eliminate the stigma of 'til death do you part and suddenly sex becomes a lot less scary.

    • Why get married? Oh let me count the ways. Most important are the legal questions and objections that come from having children or accumulating assets with someone. Legitimate children have many more rights than do those who are not, in the eyes of the law. I suspect that as you get older and start to see how the legal system is rigged against unmarried couples, you may have a change of mind.

    • Oh society, why must you complicate shit? That's (legality) a whole other perspective. I'm speaking strictly in terms of love, emotions and relationships. All of that other stuff hasn't got much to do with the relationship itself.

    • Oh but it does. Legalizing it shows that the two partners understand this is a serious commitment and that the prospective children will be protected legally, property that's acquired is protected, etc.

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  • I have a more mundane reason for that, I'm just always fucking horny.

  • I commend you for being short and sweet with this article, instead of dragging the main point out over 20 paragraphs like so many others do. That being said, this article has given me a lot to think about. I'm a little conflicted on some of the points you make here. Sex is definitely an important element to any relationship, but it should not be the only foundation for a good relationship. It doesn't fix problems outside the bedroom (if this is not what you're implying here, I'm sorry). Two people may have a hot sex life, but it doesn't mean they have a healthy relationship.

    For me, there are three things that should be at the core of a relationship - sex, love, and friendship. If one or more of those elements is missing, it's not a true romantic relationship. The following diagram illustrates this point beautifully:

    data2.whicdn.com/images/22558128/original.jpg

    While I do agree that sex before marriage is smart and that there's nothing wrong with it, I'm also not going to say that someone who waits is "foolhardy" or making a poor choice. I feel like that is shaming them for their decision. What people do with their virginity is a personal decision and it's nobody else's business.

    I recently married my first boyfriend and first sexual partner, and have been both commended for it and chastised by various people. Mostly people saying that I should have either waited until marriage to sleep with him, or that I should have dated around and slept with more people to experience variety before settling down.

    Also, sex before marriage does NOT guarantee that you're always going to have a hot and passionate sex life. Nobody is 100% compatible. There will always be hangups and desires that the other person can't or won't meet, no matter how much communication happens. Just look at the people who are in sexless marriages. Lack of sexual satisfaction is one of the top reasons for divorce among couples. On that same token, waiting until marriage doesn't mean the sex is going to be stale and boring.

    • That turned out longer than I thought it would. I hope you can muddle through it.

    • Muddle I did. I'm not shaming them. I'm simply pointing out albeit not as skillfully as I would have liked, that there is a risk to virgin bride and/or groom and that they should factor that risk into their decision making for the relationship. I'm not saying hot sex eliminates other issues. What I said was that it does generally serve to put those issues into perspective and make the couple much more willing to solve the problem together and move forward. I agree with your three elements. I was just addressing one but not to the exclusion of the others. I should have said that.

    • Im stealing your diagram, also... i disagree with the 100% compatible thing, in a sense lol, as we are alread imperfect so we can't hit 100. But add a little compromise in there and you can bump it up from 98.6 to maybe 99.9 thats human perfection. to technically..100? You are gonna come at me aren't you?

  • Im sorry but I disagree here. Contrary to popular belief, sex is NOT everything in life, you know?

    Im virgin, and im not for or against premarital sex, but if I find a really sweet and nice girl, that I love more than everything and she loves me back as well too, im certainly not gonna miss my chance by saying : no sex, no BF, bye bye!

    Im gonna wait for her and its gonna take the amount of time it takes, but im not gonna miss my chance. That would be stupid.

    + Im pretty sure if you love her and she loves you too that you gonna find a solution if sex is bad.

    The key in a relationship is not sex, but CONVERSATION. If somehow, its awfull, its not the end of the world, we can talk, try to know each other bodies better, see how can we make the experience better for both of us.

    Premarital sex is a choice, and its not wrong or right. Deal with it

    • Best answer here. People are way too focused on sex these days and what's worse, feel like they're entitled to judge other people's lives and behavior as well. Soon they'll want to 'test drive' living together for 10 years first, then having a kid, not forgetting to check the partner's cooking skills and bank account... Love is like the last thing on the list. If you don't want to get married, then don't. In fact you're free to do all of these things, just don't need to force your views on other people as well.

    • I'm at a loss to describe the utter carnage that a marriage between two fundamentally and radically differing people can wreak. Back to my central premise: sex is the engine that drives intimate relationships. Love is the element that makes it take on permanence but many times bad sex is because of a basic difference of opinion, taste, and preferences.

    • Seems like a lot of people agree with me though ;) But obviously, if 2 people are radically different, and they share close to 0 common interest, the relationship is not gonna end well. But thats easy to see, you usually dont marry someone after 2 months of relationship. You will have the time to know if it can work in the long run before marrying her, and if you expect it will not, then simple: dont marry her. But in the case of 2 people being insanely different, sex will not be the sole reason why your marriage is a carnage, but it will probably the thing that made it ''too much''. But im sure that if 2 people love each other, share mutual interest that bad sex is not gonna be a deal breaker. Instead, they will do everything to improve it

  • I agree better to see if you are compatible on that level and get it out of the way else it won't work!

  • Why are you telling a girl what to do with her vagina? Wtf?

    • You miss the point. I'm not telling her what to do at all. I'm just identifying a risk to celibacy that some might not have thought about. It's clearly an individual decision.

  • I agree that sex is an important factor to keep a relationship going. But it is not the only one.

    • I agree. It's not the only one, just the most important one, day to day. Thermonuclear sex can smooth out an amazing number of minor bumps in the road.

    • I think the people who are absolute about premarital sex have some kind of misunderstanding. When you say that you support premarital sex some people think you're sleeping with everyone you meet... they don't necessarily understand what it means to sexually connect with someone.

    • I agree completely. For me, as it sounds like for you, we need a strong emotional connection before taking our clothes off. For me it's both that and the fact that I'm a pretty kinky DOM so there needs to be some real trust in place before I restrain her and slip on the blindfold.

  • I agree and I don't expect anyone who does not know what they are missing, never dealt with sexual incompatibility, never had sex or never had bad sex to understand what you mean and I wish them the best of luck lol

    • Thanks for your support.

    • You're welcome

  • You wouldn't know bad sex from good sex if you were to only have it with one person. Kinda rules out that theory of being sexual compatible. If you love someone and truly enjoy their paresense, sex will only be a perk, not the thing that drives it (as you put it). In the end when you're dying next to your partner, you think about her inner personality and what she's made of. The love you have for one another... not the sex.

    • While I see his take and respect it. This is mostly what I think as well :)

    • You'd still know what bad sex is like. If she grazes your dick with teeth or doesn't provide much stimulation properly, no amount of love is strong enough to delude into thinking that's what acceptable sex is like. Even virgins have fantasies. I had a whole bunch as one and I've met many girls and guys who admitted the same. Sexual compability is not about good or bad sex, it's about likes and dislikes. You might like and want this, but she might totally hate it. She might like this and that, but you might totally dislike it. And most marriages aren't lasting long enough to this romantic image you're painting, but I won't knock down optimism.

    • @chocolatedragon That may be true, however I don't set my mind as easily as just thinking it's the norm to divorce your wife at 45. The problem is that people rush into relationship. They don't give it time. It's as if it's some giant race to get girlfriend or boyfriend. Back in the days this was more common due to lack of social media, and how it portrays love and relationship as an acceptable norm. by the way, you wouldn't have the problem of bad sex if you knew who you were having sex to begin with. If you were to dig into a person's thoughts and desires, you'll discover what they like and don't like. That way you save yourself from a bad sex experience if you're not desperate enough to get laid.

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