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The Great Virginity Debate: Why Not Being A Virgin Is OK Too

The Great Virginity Debate: Why Not Being A Virgin Is OK Too

In the short time that I've been on this site, I've seen this topic debated so many times. And there are so many different views when it comes to it. Which is to be expected. What I didn't expect to see, was so much ridicule and judgment towards those that aren't virgins. So I'm here to say my peace about the topic once and for all.

I am not a virgin. Let's just get that out of the way. I lost my virginity a month and a half before my 21st birthday. All but one of my friends lost their's before me. And guess what? I never judged them! Even though at that time, it was my plan to wait. Not necessarily for marriage, but until I was in a solid relationship. It never even crossed my mind to look down on them because they made a different choice from my own. That doesn't seem to be the case on here though.

I don't think that I've seen an argument on here from someone that has made the decision to wait until marriage, where they weren't being judgmental and condescending. I have no issues with virgins and people who are waiting until marriage. The issues arise when I'm told that I basically lack self control because I didn't wait. That's when it becomes a problem. And it's only on GaG that I run into these problems. I believe that that's because people on here tend to place virgins on pedastools. Which in turn, gives said virgins this holier than thou attitude and makes them think that it's ok to look down their nose at others. Not okay.

Again, I have no issues with virgins. I feel like they have every right to wait to have sex. For whatever reason. Be it a religious thing, a personal preference, whatever. However when it comes down to it, that decision doesn't make them better than anyone. And most (not all) of them seem to think that it does. They always use the excuse of having self control, self respect, morals and values as if people that have had sex are void of those things. Having sex doesn't make you a bad person! You can have self control and self respect and high morals and values and still have sex. And if someone tells you otherwise, they're lying.

The Great Virginity Debate: Why Not Being A Virgin Is Ok Too

Another thing I see a lot from virgins is this whole promiscuity thing. As if every person that decides to have sex before marriage goes around sleeping with everyone they come into contact with. I know plenty of people who chose not to wait, that have been in long-term relationships with the person the same person they lost their virginity to. In the 7 years that I haven't been a virgin I've had sex a whopping 3 times. THREE. In a 7 year range. And while I'm not happy with the circumstances surrounding the loss of my virginity, I don't think any less of myself because of it. I have plenty of self control and self respect. My morals and values are just as clear and just as strong as those of someone who may not have had sex yet.

The point of this is not to bash anyone. Like I said, I have no problems with virgins. If you've decided to wait, then more power to you. I respect your decision. I just want people to realize that having sex or not having it doesn't define who you are as a person. Stop thinking that it's ok to make these underhanded jabs at people because they've chosen a different path. We weren't created to be clones. Everyone is different. Everyone makes different choices. Self worth and respect, self control, morals and values...those aren't synonymous with sexual status and being a virgin. Non virgins can and do possess those things as well. So to all the virgins out there, please try to keep that in mind. You guys can come off as really offensive sometimes. And to all those that have had sex and have felt like you've been judged because of it, know that you aren't a bad person!

Later GaGers. Stay classy. And as always, thanks for reading.

8 5

Most Helpful Girl

  • I absolutely LOVE this take and I hope it resonates in some people's minds on here. I agree with every point you made.

    1) Not being a virgin doesn't suddenly mean that someone is promiscuous or engages in casual sex or one night stands. Plenty of people who don't wait until marriage still value sex only in long-term committed relationships with people they love.

    2) Someone's virginity status is NOT representative of who they are as a person or their character. Being a virgin doesn't automatically mean someone has self-respect, self-control, patience, etc. and not being a virgin doesn't automatically mean someone lacks those traits.

    These are the two things I see virgins on here say a LOT and it makes absolutely no sense to me, I feel that they only say these things to make themselves feel superior to others. It's okay if someone is a virgin, everyone is a virgin at one point. However, it is a personal decision as to whether or not someone wants to wait until marriage or not and no one should be shamed or made to feel "less than" for their decision to have sex or to wait until marriage.

    • Thank you! And I agree. I feel like they only say those things to make people feel less and it's bullshit. If I can respect you and your decision to wait, then you can have some respect for someone that didn't wait. People don't know how to agree to disagree withour bashing. Another freakin thing that bugs me here. Stay tuned for a Take on that next! Lmao.

    • Yeah, I agree. I don't care if someone wants to have sex or remain a virgin for as long as they want, I respect everyone until they give me a reason not to. And yes! haha you know I will! Lol :)

    • Exactly!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • There's nothing wrong with not being a virgin. What I can't stand is the hookup culture, the quick fix, the one night of fun and goodbye. It's instant gratification, that's the problem.

    There's a difference between losing your virginity to someone you've been dating for say 2 years+ vs going out to a bar and hooking up with a total stranger. There is also a difference between having a constant sex partner (ok breakups happen lol) and finding a new one every week. Damn straight I will judge you for hooking up with total strangers within 2 hours of meeting them (i don't know how hookups work, and I don't fucking care, that sounds about the right time frame though, seen it happen in college a lot). It shows she doesn't doesn't want to commit.

    Yeah, no thanks

    Haters if you want to hate because I want my first time to be with someone memorable (for the record, the future wife somewhere out there) go fuck yourselves. I'm tolerant (even though I hate it) of the hookup culture, be tolerant of me showing a little restraint

    For the record I am a virgin

    • Thanks for reading. I'm sure most people want their first time to be with someone memorable. Does it always happen that way? No. Should you slap a label on someone because of it? No. No one's hating on you for showing restraint. More power to you. At the end of the day, you shouldn't be judging anyone. Period.

    • Fair enough.. I also understand that people's first times are not... the best (been in college, words spread). I won't judge the girl that went to her first college party, and things got out of hand. She trusted her hosts and was betrayed. I won't judge the girl that lost it to a man that played her feelings, that made her think he cared about her. That's manipulation, and wrong. I'll judge the girls that go out to bars and clubs looking for a new guy to fuck every night. That goes the same for guys that do that as well. Hedonism is a person's greatest downfall. More importantly, I HATE the women that do go out, hookup and then run complaining to me "why they can't find a nice guy to settle down with" And before people call me the "nice guy complaining" I tell them exactly what they need to hear: "You know EXACTLY what you are doing wrong. Fix it" And then I cut them out from my life. Yes, this has happened to me.

    • If she had a few legitimate boyfriends and had sex with each of them, fine. That show's that she understands commitment. If she's a party girl putting out just to get a bunch of guys attention, have sex with one of them, and does the same thing the next night: Yeah, that's called being insecure. I don't like that and I will judge her, because her actions disgust me. A buddy of mine invited who he thought was a nice girl over to his apartment. Next he know's she's naked, lying on the table, letting his roommates gawk at her, take pictures, and getting her drunk. He was embarrassed beyond belief and cut her off from his life. That behavior is horrible, I don't care what anyone else says. I will admit, this turned into a bit of an off topic rant, but I guess the main point is I will never judge how a person had their first time. It can either go really great, or really terrible. I will judge how people handle their sex life after that. If they are out constantly trying to sleep with

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I know, right? Can't we all just get along? :)

    • My thoughts exactly! Lol, thanks for reading!

  • There is a lot of unnecessary hate on forums and sites like this. That's a part of being able to communicate indirectly. You get to hide behind your safe computer at home, and it's not really you who everyone talks to, it's your profile representing you. Anyway, I think this topic is mainly a problem in the US. I'm from Belgium and lived in Ohio for 2 years, then one year in LA. It's mainly because in the US many people are still religious or have a much more conservative mindset then Europeans. Most people in Europe lose their virginity at about 17. I think it's the same in the US for non religious/conservative people. There is just a big group that thinks it's immoral.

    • Thanks for reading. And I agree, I do think it's more of issue in the US.

  • This is right! It doesn't matter whether or not you are a virgin or when you 'lose' your virginity (unless you're under 13- because that's statutory rape, even if you consent).
    There are positives and negatives to both and just because you wait, it doesn't mean you're frigid and just because you have sex young, it doesn't mean you're out of control and addicted to sex.
    Honestly, does it really matter about what everyone else is doing with their virginity? You should only really care about your own and when you feel comfortable and ready to have sex with a partner who feels the same- regardless of whether both of you are virgins or not.
    This is just my opinion but I agree with your article!

    • Thanks for reading. I agree. People should worry less about what others are doing and more about themselves.

  • I'm still a virgin, and although I do speak of morals, self-respect/control and whatnot when people talk to me about it, I've never said I had those things and sexually active people didn't. Those are just my reasons for wanting to wait until I'm in a relationship or am with someone I really care about (even if it's a close friend) rather than losing it to some random person. I know it will be a private, personal thing for me and I'll get attached to whoever it happens with, so I want to wait for the right person. There's nothing religious or "holier than thou" about it. I simply haven't met anyone worth my time yet. My younger sister is the same way. Our parents never even really said "have sex" or "don't have sex", but said "When you decide it's what you want and it's the right choice for you, just be smart about it." I guess we both took that to heart.

    • Thanks for reading. There's nothing wrong with waiting. And I agree that it should be with someone you have a connection with. It just doesn't always work out like that. That was my plan as well. Didn't happen that way. Some people think that makes me less than them and that I don't agree with.

  • I regret not losing my virginity sooner.

    • Ha ha.., me too

    • Lol thanks for reading.

    • I lost mine the first chance i could when i was 15, Totally worth it.

  • Everyone is entitled to their opinion but degrading someone because of their choices in life is ridiculous.. So I am sorry if this has been done to you. At the same time keep an open mind that not everyone is like that.. Virgin or nonvirgin.
    As I respect both choices and do not judge either.

    • Thanks for reading. I realize that not everyone is like that. And that there are some non virgins that judge virgins too. It's not cool on either end. It's a personal decision and no one should be judged for it.

  • I've been on this site for 3yrs now and I've noticed people are extremely judgmental about everything, so this doesn't really surprise me.

    I'm different from most virgins and most people, my being a virgin isn't really based or not based on a choice but more by a way of circumstances. Basically, it's just how my life turned out. There was appoint I thought I'd wait until marriage but that's mostly because I thought that's how it was suppose to be. Now, that I'm older and have felt feelings for people and stuff. I know, that whenever I lose it as I long as me and that person both feel something for each other and it feels right in my heart and I know I won't regret it or who it was with. Then I'm fine with losing it before marriage, just as long as it's right. I think ideally, we'd all like to just have one person for our whole life. It doesn't always work out that way, especially nowadays and that's okay.

    My point in all that, I don't judge non virgins. Hell, I'm the only virgin left in my family and that includes my younger cousins lol. So, I'm not judging anyone. I have a life rule, I don't judge others for what they do and all I ask is that they don't judge me for what I don't do. Basically, live and let live. If people want to have sex before marriage, more power to you and may the force be with you. If people want to wait to have sex until marriage, more power to you and may the force be with you. In the words of Demi Lovato "I really don't care" lol.

    Nicely written take by the way : )

    • Thank you for reading. Very well put. I never wanted to have a bunch of partners. I wanted the whole boy meets girl, they fall in love fairytale love life. I wanted that with one guy. But life has a way if showing us that we don't always get what we want. I just feel like too often we judge others because they're different. Like you said, live and let live! Thanks again and thanks for your input!

    • I totally get what you mean, my life isn't anything I thought it would be by this point in my life. So, you're definitely right, we can't always get what we want. Which sucks lol, but that's life right? You're welcome.

    • Definitely can suck, but yup, that's life.

  • Thanks for writing this! I find most people are virgins on here and they hate on those who aren't, mainly because it's something they don't understand and they do view us like we're no longer pure or we go around sleeping with everyone (which is our choice anyway!). Also, people are retaining their virginity because of religion, I'm an Atheist so why would I hold back, there's no need? I'm not trying to please a God, I'm living life how I want and enjoying a fun sex life with some super hot men! I ain't complaining! I don't judge virgins and they shouldn't judge non-virgins.

    • Thanks for reading. It's 2015. Not everyone is religious or believing in God. I do. I am a not a virgin. And that's ok. What's not ok is for people to act like I'm used up trash because of that. Which is how some of these people (preferably guys) act. To each his/her own. The judging needs to stop.

  • Omg CHARismatic... I had no idea that what I reading was written by you. You never seize to amaze me. And I'm with you 100% on this.

    As I've said many times before, I am still a virgin. To me my virginity isn't the most important thing in the world and I don't value it extremely. So who am I to judge others? However that doesn't mean that I'll just go and sleep with the first person that I see. I just mean that I'm not waiting until marriage or doing it for religious beliefs or anything like that. I'm doing it on my own terms and when I feel that I am ready and hey if that is when I'm married then fine, but when the time is right the time is right.

    But again, Great MyTake =)

    • Thank you so much for reading. That was my point. Your decision will always be yours no matter what. It may not be the same as the next person's and that is ok! No one should be should be judged for their personal decisions.

  • I really liked reading your post because i truly believe that an individual has the right to choose without being judged by others. Everybody is entitled to a preference, and we as humans should respect that... whether they want to be a virgin or not. And not just about virginity, but about every single choice that a person makes that goes against the beliefs of moral police... everyone deserves a choice

    • Thank you for reading. I agree 100%. No one deserves to bashed for a choice that they've made.

  • Honestly I think the term "losing your virginity" is really damn stupid. You're not losing anything. You're gaining sexual experience. And there's nothing wrong with it. I think a part of the reason why people view it as a negative thing (especially when it's done outside of a marriage or serious relationship) is because people keep perpetuating this idea that you're losing something. Something valuable. Something great. When in reality, nothing is truly lost. Virginity is merely a mindset.
    I think it's ok to think that your virginity is valuable in the sense that you want to be with someone you trust and love when you finally have sex for the first time. But at the same time, I think it's really unhealthy the way some people obsess/stress/worry/care about it and make it into this huge ordeal, when really it's just sex.

    • Thanks for reading. Well put! I agree. Everyone is a virgin at some point. Why is so much drama surrounding someone's choice to have sex? We're all gonna do it eventually. The decision on when that happens shouldn't spark such controversy when at the end of the day, it's just sex.

  • I've seen a lot of favoritism towards both virgins and non virgins on this site and I don't really understand why there's so much praise one way or another or why it has to be so black and white. When I tell people i'm a virgin and waiting until marriage, I either get religious people praising me for waiting and saying God bless to me, I think they're under the impression that it's a religious choice for me but it's not or I get people condemning me.

    And it's confusing to me why other people care so much about who others sleep with, especially if you're not dating them. All that should matter is that someone is happy with their personal choices and people need to mind their own damn business sometimes lol

    • Thanks for reading. But yeah, I don't understand what the big deal is either. If you're deciding to wait then that's fine. But what gives you the right to shun someone because they chose differently? I've had people on here question my faith and all. It's really sad.

    • They're just pushing their personal choices on others is all and when they see someone doing what they agree with, it just makes it better for them. What I really hate seeing is when people on here are mean to girls who slept with a lot of guys when they were teenagers or lost their virginity when they were teenagers, it's sad because they were kids pretty much, stop being so hard on everyone.

    • Me too. Like it's no one's business what someone chooses to do. People shouldn't be judged off their past but some people on here don't understand that.

  • Finally.
    A take that isn't all about making the writer look like a pompous, self-righteous little bugger. And a take that makes sense.

    I really hate it about gag as well. I'll say that I'm not a virgin, I lost mine at 15 and I will normally have a virgin telling me I should have waited, I was a stupid little girl, what was I thinking etc etc.

    Well folks. I was 15 yes. However, I was in that relationship for 5 and a half years. Yup, you read it! 5 and a half YEARS I was with him.

    I've had a mix of experiences - good and bad - but I'm glad I took the step when I did. It was the right time for me and what followed afterwards, I'm glad I did it when I did. I've had 1 one night stand and that was enough for me. I don't like casual sex, I prefer relationships. And I respect people for waiting for the right person.

    I love expressing my love to that one person, I'm a faithful person and I wouldn't have a 1 night stand again. Am I slag for being active for almost 8 years now and having 3 consenting partners? No, not in my eyes.

    • Thank you for reading. Life is all about experiences. Not everyone's experiences will be the same. They aren't supposed to be. Everyone's different. No one should be judged for the decision to experience something because you don't feel it's the right time. You felt as though you were ready and you made a decision that YOU were comfortable with. That's all that matters at the end of the day.

    • No absolutely. And likewise some of my experiences have been very bad. I normally don't share this off anon but the response I had to this from one user was so disgusting and highlights your point perfectly. I've been raped before. I had my drink spiked, I was taken home, undressed and I was knocked out and raped. One user on here told me that because I had had that happen to me, he wouldn't consider a girl like me because I was "disgusting spoilt goods". Now, I'd like to point out - I was actually working that night. I'm a paid musician, I had done my set, and my drink had been spiked. It was not my fault in any way, but the user (an Indian older man) was so horrific to me, it stuck in my head. I never judge people for wanting to wait, but far too many judge me. I'm glad I had sex before that event happened - I didn't want that as my first time. So if that makes me a slag, I'm bloody glad I am.

    • Omg that's horrible. I'm sorry that that happened to you! And for the asshole that said that. People can be incredibly insensitive! But I agree wholeheartedly with you. It's better that you did have sex before that horrific event happened. You can still associate something good with it as opposed to having that be attached to your first time. I admire your strength. And that's why people shouldn't judge. You never know what somebody has been through.

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  • Mentally, I'd always remain a virgin. Because I just can't handle negativity in my mind.

    Physically, (especially, sexually) I'm not a virgin because I have working sexual organs which demanded me someone to have intercourse to quench the drives.

    So, what happened to me eventually? -I'm became happier because I fulfilled my desires.

    To the virgins, you are fulfilling your desires too (if not unintentionally) so you're happy guys like us too.

    Virgins = Non-Virgins

    • Thanks for reading. Physically I'm not a virgin either, but I'm still very much inexperienced and far from promiscuous.

    • It's pleasure to read such a nice article. Promiscuous? Me neither nor interested.

    • My point. Being sexually active doesn't equal promiscuity.

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  • I agree with most of your points. The thing is though, I'm starting to feel like being a 'virgin' is also criticised widely in society nowadays. I'm a virgin myself and often get a smart comment from guys or girls, saying "oh you aren't living life" and "you are this/that". I don't have a problem with people having sex before marriage. Fair enough, it's their choice and it's none of my business - nor do I feel like I'm superior to anyone just because I'm a virgin. What's starting to annoy me though is the fact that I always get a comment like that throw in my face when I say that I'm waiting for someone special. Anyway, well done for writing this :)

    • Yeah, that's society for you. No matter what you do, someone will always judge you for it. If you lose your virginity "too soon", you're a whore/skank/person with no morals. But if you wait, then you're too prude/"not living life"/too old fashioned etc. You just can't win, haha.

    • Thanks for reading. And @lumos is right lol. People are always going to have something to say.

  • Nicely put. :)

    • Thank you and thanks for reading!

  • Well as an older (Wiser lol) person, I am glad to see this. I can tell you that in the last year of dating (since my unwanted divorce 15 months ago) i have talked about this issue a number of times with the women. They just laugh at how naive they were. A few said they would like to go back in time and kick the shit out of their younger selves for waiting so long. My issue is more the ones that want to wait until marriage. I don't include the religious freaks. If you let religion control you I can't talk logic with them... but the others...*sigh
    All of us who are divorced said "that won't be me..." when we got married. They don't seem to understand that you have no control over it. If it was up to me I would still be married. So you will most likely save yourself for a marriage that is not going to last forever. So what is the difference then if you lose it to someone you just felt was special enough to lose it too at an earlier age?
    Plus, do you really want to possibly have a awkward and maybe painful wedding night? although if you ask most married couples, most of us didn't even get to sleep or have sex for a couple of days after the wedding lol if you go right to your honeymoon from the reception..
    Find the right guy, lose it to him. A man will always remember his first.
    Mine was Tracy Minnis August 29, 1987. I was 19, she was 23 and smoking hot...

    • Thanks for reading. Nobody fogets their first. And if people want to wait til marriage for whatever reason, religious ones included, then that's fine. That's a choice that they're entitled to make. Just like not waiting is. And there should be zero judgement for either of them.

  • Yaaaassss!!!

    • Lol, thanks for reading.

  • I'm actually friends with people who are quite promiscuous. We don't judge each but we might make the occasional joke about each other. But what friends don't 😜

    • Thanks for reading. And yeah friends so joke around. As long as it's not offending anyone, then it's cool.

    • Yeah we know we are joking and usually funny 😊

    • Cool. It's good to be that

  • Great take :) Is not like humans can instantly look at a person and right away see whether they are a virgin or not. We're not walking vaginas. We're more than that, and those who judge whether our hymen been torn or not, and tell us we lack self-control, are those who posses ignorance without even knowing the person well.

    Simply judge a person for their character and not whether their hymen been torn or not.

    • Thanks for reading. I agree. It's not like we wear signs on our foreheads or scarlet letters stitched to our clothes. People don't know of your sexual status until you tell them. Like I stated above, my sexual status doesn't define me. And if you choose to look down on someone because of that, we'll what does that say about your character? Thanks for your input!

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