I found out about his secret fantasy, confronted him, and now he's avoiding me. Long story. Mature feedback is much appreciated!?

[Anonymous]

Been dating a guy that is 11 years older than me that I met at my old place of employment. We have been dating for months and we are in that phase of almost falling in love with each other or already so? The sex is awesome and we both agree. A day ago I was listening to his music tracks on this channel he has and put his username on google to find more tracks and stumbled upon his user name on a website looking for transexual females ts and tg girls with XXX logo and every thing. It was like a bucket of cold water was thrown on me. I felt ill to my stomach and it WAS him and not some one else. It was about 2 years old. I confronted him about it when I noticed he had just added a tsgirl on his Facebook and he took it lightly. He stated that a woman he had dated introduced him to "shemale" sex and he watched her have sex with one and ever since the whole concept turned him on. He considers himself straight and states he prefers genetic women. He states it's "it's a deep f'ed up fantasy of mine I guess". He says he's never been with a man sexually. And has chatted with ts tg girls online but hasn't met up "too scared". I wanted him to continue opening up but it was 2 am and he cut me off stating he had to sleep. Since then I haven't heard ANY THING from him. He hasn't called or texted like he usually does daily, he hasn't even gotten or checked his Facebook since! As if he went off the map. I must admit I am not taking this well. I can't sleep sleep and I am constantly researching this topic. I am curious about his fantasies and getting to know his psyche but at the same time I think he is doing himself a disservice in being with me when maybe he is not attracted to my genetic womanly anatomy but that of a ts female? I am also afraid of STDs and HIV and being cheated on behind my back. I'm sure he is embarrassed which is why he is hiding. Either that or this is his way to say.. oh you found out, now see ya! Any advice, opinions, thoughts accepted..

[Anonymous]

It strikes me that you're overthinking this.

A lot of our fantasies are just that! Fantasies. It doesn't necessarily mean we will ever work them out in real life. Or even want to.

For instance, I watch a lot of p*rn online. In reality, I've had just one sex partner (and quite satisfied to keep it that way). Inter-racial fantasies turn me on; but I know the kind of complications that could result (including ethically for me) if I go out of my way to make that come true. I enjoy a threesome fantasy; but am sure that even if I had the chance to do it, I probably wouldn't!

I've watched transvestite p*rn once or twice. Apart from its shock value (a pretty girl with a big dick!) it doesn't hold much to me. I might just watch it occasionally for variety. But this is something I would never, ever want to try out in real life.

We all have our own fantasies. As long as we keep them as fantasies, that's fine.

It doesn't necessarily follow that people want to work out their fantasies. One of my partner loved watched big breasted women; she was hardly a lesbian!

[Asker]

I understand where you're coming from but at the same time I do believe that if he got on an xxx site looking for encounters with ts females it is obvious there was or is a desire to make his "fantasy" come true.

[Opinion Owner]

I think women misunderstand what men 'see' in porn. Pun intended! I don't go to p*rn sites to "look for encounters", but just to get off and work off some (sexual) steam! If my partner of the moment is treating me real ba, I might even go along to a chat site, and work out some fantasy there. This doesn't mean I want to meet any of the persons in real life. Hasn't happen, will (probably) never happen.

[Opinion Owner]

Have you considered that (some) men also have submissive fantasies? That they like the idea of being penetrated and dominated? Would you be willing to try a strap-on with someone like him, for instance?

[Asker]

We had anal sex a couple times and he knew I was fine with it and enjoyed it. He always took on dominating roles with me... choking me lightly, holding me down, pulling my hair, manhandling me, etc. Every time I tried to dominate he would over power me again. I am willing to try taking a dominant role with him if if that pleases him but I'm not sure if I would be willing to try a strap on and penetrate him anally. I can stimulate his prostate during oral sex and stick a finger but that's as far as I'll go.

[Opinion Owner]

Fair enough. I'm not trying to defend him (out of any male solidarity). Just trying to raise possibilies, because sometimes we can misjudge. My point is a guy can be dominant AND submissive (I often like to change rules with my partner on this). Likewise, we have some strange and irrational fantasies. I'd like to be penetrated with a strap-on (but not with a transvestite, because personally that turns me off). But we are all different, so who's to judge? If my partner had some strange fetish, I would try to understand...

[FunArtNerd1990]

He isn't doing himself a disservice. Its simply a fetish he enjoys. A lot of people usually have one fetish that isn't really easy to discuss lightly. Just be open with him. He clearly likes you and plenty of straight men enjoy shemale porn. Again, just be open AMD accept he has the fetish. If you can't handle it then break up cuz you will only hurt him by making him feel like there is something wrong with him just for liking something slightly "abnormal"

[Asker]

Yes, but it is more than porn. He is getting on websites looking for them and chatting with them online for meet ups. At least he has in the past. I think he needs to screw one to know where he's at in regards to his sexual preference.

[FunArtNerd1990]

Its not a necessity. If I were in his situation, I would be terrified to meet one myself. That's too much. Watching it and talking to one in the past isn't condusive of a necessity. He was curious. Watching one on can or talking to one online fulfilled the fantasy enough for him as would most guys. If he recently added one then he might still be curious and considering a hookup but Idk. Just tell him you're sorry for invading his privacy and it was entirely an accident and that you'd just like to talk about it because you care about him and want to be open and honest about everything

[Asker]

I am conflicted and still trying to process it all. This has opened up pandora's box to me so to speak. I understand entirely what you mean. He "states" the tgirl he added or added him is a friend of a friend that he has. She/he's fb page is provocative and clearly for admirers. Don't get me wrong she/he looks amazing does p*rn and entertains at nightclubs. I just wish he would be fourth coming and not tell me half truths to put me at ease. Whatever he did in the past in regards to contacting a ts or watching ts p*rn is his business and that is not what bothers me. I just don't want to get into a serious relationship with him and him to continue these habits of contacting them because to me it would be cheating and it would hurt me. He performs sexually with me but I am also afraid that my woman body is not quite what he desires and being a woman like myself that prides herself on her good looks it can wound the ego. He hasn't spoke to me since Friday morning any way. So who knows..

[FunArtNerd1990]

Well I mean he clearly still loves a woman's body just has the slight curiosity about the other aspect is all. And I completely understand. You should tell him that I guess but be understanding. Probably something he's never told anyone really. And yeah I dont think she was really a friend of a friend. Regardless you may need to contact him and try and get the convo opened up again. And its really nothing to do with you not being enough.

[Asker]

Yes but because I felt hurt that he cut me off and didn't want to continue talking about it I said goodbye to him and I think he took it literal in combination with me learning about his secret and possible killing the "vibe" for him. I would say it's either over or he's gonna avoid me for a while until he thinks it's safe enough to approach me without me bringing it up automatically.

[FunArtNerd1990]

Ahhh... Yeah he might have taken it literally... If you don't want it to be over you could try asking if he thought that's what you meant and try and explain otherwise?

[Asker]

He said that he was doing as I wished by not talking to him because I said goodbye. He said that it's none of my business who he claims are his friends on Facebook and that I have no right to be trying to dig up dirt on me. Then he made the sarcastic comment of me doing background checks on all his Facebook friends.

[sammy_31]

Yup this for sure is a fantasy or desire he has but can't fully commit for some reason, like you say he may be scared. He probably wasn't hoping anyone would find out his "secret" or whatever and now he can't really open up and talk to you about it. If it wasn't anything big then he should have remained the same with you but it does seem odd. He sounds like his is too embarrassed to comfort you, I get what you mean by how you feel. You kind of want to know what's really up. No one wants to waste their time or feel less than. There needs to be some contact soon because he is either feeling too weird to talk to you again and isn't ready to accept that his little secret was exposed to you or something else.

[Asker]

It definitely could be he feels weird to talk to me again being that I was quick to shun him after he admitted it. But he still has my number if he wants to contact me but he hasn't.

[sammy_31]

Maybe he needs time or something.

[Anonymous]

Well you have two options,
1. Move on :/
2. Find him and talk to him about it.
I like lesbian p*rn but I don't want to have sex with one. It might just be something he likes to look at or something that turned him on because it is different. He might not want to do it with a guy or tranny. You could ask him if he wants you to do him with a strapon if your up for it. I did my guy, it's kinda fun to give for a change. And some guys like it baca use it hits there prostate not because they are gay. Good luck, and I hope it turns out well

[stardust101]

Fantasies are just that...fantasies. If he really wanted it to come true, he would have by now but like you said, he's scared. Or he's lying by saying he's never done it with a "t" either way that's disgusting.

[Asker]

Exactly. There's always a chance he has already laid with one.

[stardust101]

Well, since he's avoiding you, I would see it as an "escape" for you to ignore him, because if he did come around again, you know the topic is going to be another discussion and well, good luck with that if it happens.

[Asker]

Obviously he knows if he talks to me again he would have to get more into depth with this fetishism of his. I think it's the fact that I basically said goodbye to him last time we spoke and him not feeling comfortable enough to go over this with me.

[stardust101]

Then move on :)

[thtdiablo]

This is just another case for some real-life counselling if you want to continue this relationship. Much can be fixed as long as both want to. But it's like a car stuck in the mud: You need another car to tow you out of there...

Find some counselor in your area.

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

I would pretty much be turned off
and would say adios buddy i'm sorry
but some fetishes, fantasies can
be way overboard

[anthonypm]

I have a transexual... Thing... I find it very sexy..
It would have to be a extremely passable transsexual women.

No exceptions.

[Asker]

What would you consider your sexual orientation to be? And if you had to choose between a feminine transexual and a genetic woman who would you be aroused the most by?

[Anonymous]

My ex husband did the same thing I just couldn't take it. And hr couldn't stop so if you can't deal with it let it be as it is. Because it probably will not stop just my experience and opinion.

[Asker]

Did you ever confront him?

[Opinion Owner]

Yes I confronted him but it didn't stop.