Boyfriend called me the C-word...again?

[Anonymous]

Twice in the past my boyfriend has called me a cunt. after the second time, i told him that using such hurtful language is unacceptable and that if he ever called me that again, that would be the end of our relationship. yesterday, i had a bad day and was admittedly more quiet and withdrawn than i should have been. i wasn't at my best. I didn't want to play a game with the group and because of that they would have had to play 2 on 1 which wasn't as fun. my boyfriend called me stubborn and selfish and said I should just leave since I'm a buzz kill. So i left. on my drive home he texted to say i could forget dinner with my dad this week (he visits 2 times a year and we were supposed to all have dinner) and that i had been acting like a cunt and that i needed to learn how to treat people (OH THE IRONY of calling someone a cunt while telling them how not to treat people). he went on a rant about how i'm "always like this" how i'm an entitled bitch and how it will be the "end of us." After he was done ranting, i sent one text that said "i made myself clear about the use of the word cunt. if you refuse to respect that, i'm not sure where that leaves us. i will talk to you after my dad's visit since you don't want to be a part of it." I am not optimistic that I will get an apology without demanding one first and it will be a "sorry...but you did this" He's 24. is there ANY chance that he'll eventually learn that it's not okay to talk to me like that even if he'd displeased with my attitude? I wasn't at my best, but i don't deserve emotional abuse. Guys, i need advice. It seems silly to actually break up with him over him calling me that because there's so much good stuff in our relationship, but on the other hand, it would be very easy for him to just not call me that ever again after i told him that it was unacceptable to me. he seems to want to hurt me as much as possible whenever he's angry or insecure. will he ever grow out of it if i'm patient enough?

[Anonymous]

Having a similar issue at the moment myself. Not being called that word (so far as I know, so at least not to my face) but have asked my boyfriend to please not use the word (or at least not in front of me) since it is the most offensive word and I get tired of misogynistic words being the ultimate go-to put downs in whatever situation. I try to be super supportive and easy going and undemanding so hoped that since I had never given anything remotely resembling an ultimatum on, well, anything, and explaining how this is so offensive to me, he would stop using it. He said he would, then kept using it (just mumbling it more). I told him I could hear him. We had another long talk and he said he felt he was being stifled by being asked not to say that word. I asked him what the word covers that he cannot use other words for, especially considering the ways I am offended by it. He said, again, he wouldn't use it. Tonight he used it again. Found out he was also calling people "pussies" when he is ticked at them. Not the end of the world, but with the c-word, I don't know what else to do. He's a good man, but I'm a good woman and I don't ask for much. I did ask for this. I told him in talk #2 that I feel devalued as a partner when I find out I am not worth the effort to not use that one word. For my birthday, for Christmas, I asked him to stop using that, nothing else, I would be thrilled with that. Still isn't happening. I think he knows I won't leave him so he can use it with impunity but I know it makes me feel like I am not worth the effort. I told him if I was of African heritage and said hey, please don't use the n-word, it offends me, he would get it. He doesn't use that word anyway, he doesn't call anyone f*g or use gay as a pejorative, he knows it would be insulting. But this somehow... he doesn't care. Or doesn't care enough about me to curtail it. At the end of the day you have to decide if you want to end a relationship over it. Maybe you don't matter enough.

[Analemma]

What bothers me more is that this was over a non-fight. Unless you're leaving something out of the story, you were just in a quiet pouty mood which made him so mad he TOLD YOU TO LEAVE. Which you obeyed. But that wasn't enough, he had to then send you a scathing message with your punishment- now he's not coming to dinner with you and your dad- since you were such a buzz kill! Unless you have these kinds of moods every single day and are constantly withdrawing, he's ridiculous for expecting you to cater to him and his friends for some dumb game. As someone who doesn't think the c word is any more powerful than any other, I can't say that is a huge problem so much as the fact that it was over you not really doing anything "bad" and him needing to overpunish you for it.

[Asker]

i don't. usually i'm happy to come home, but I'm exhausted this week because i just got back from traveling all weekend for my little sister's graduation. when he asked why i was being a buzz kill, i said i was tired.

[lumos]

He's an inconsiderate jerk. You had a bad day and instead of comforting you, or even just leaving you alone, he ends up calling you a cunt. You don't know how to treat people just because you didn't want to join their game? He needs to get a good look in the mirror, because as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't know how to treat YOU. He disrespects you (and your wishes) as well as calls you names. He's a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. And he really cancelled the plans you had with your dad, just because you didn't want to play with them? Wow. Talk about overreacting. What a total loser. Dump his sorry ass. He will not grow out of this, this is clearly a deeply rooted attitude problem.

[CrystalMinds]

The C word is one thing (horrible), but his behaviour towards you as well. It's like: "aww babe, having a bad day? Too bad, no need to bother anyone with it because I won't bother", you shouldn't feel the need to fake a happy mood when your with loved ones (family, friends, your partner), but you should be yourself and know that they won't judge you for not having a good day.
I would talk to him about this, ask him why it was such a big deal to him that he felt the need to say that horrible word, and see how things go during that conversation.

[MrOracle]

This guy either has no impulse control or doesn't understand boundaries. Either way, that doesn't make him a very good candidate for a relationship, because even if he never used that word again, he's going to cause you the same pain in some other way.

He clearly doesn't respect you, and probably doesn't respect many (if any) people other than himself.

The only way he has a chance to learn is to have to face the consequences of his actions: by losing you. Assuming he actually cares if he loses you, then that might finally make him understand that he won't get away with his attitude forever.

But many such people NEVER learn, so you can't hold your breath.

Staying together with him, especially after your ultimatum, is only going to further teach him that he can do what he wants and get away with it. Which means that things will only get worse from here. He called your bluff - now, are you going to stand behind your words, or not?

[Asker]

when i told him that it was unacceptable, he accused me of making an ultimatum and called me horrible names. i told him that it wasn't an ultimatum but rather i was telling him what my limits are and that using that word in unacceptable. he said that my attitude is embarrassing.

[MrOracle]

Do you even hear yourself? This guy is a selfish, petty, immature asshole. You can do MUCH better than this, so please do. The more you stay with him, the more you justify his attitude and behavior, which hurts him, hurts you, and hurts everyone who has to be around him. For the sake of the whole world, break up with this jerk and find someone better.

[Asker]

do you think he knows he's being like that? like do you think he's aware of this and just doesn't care (aka he's being manipulative and i'm not the love of his life like he says)? or do you think he just doesn't know and will be surprised and hurt and angry at me for breaking up with him. I hate being the bad guy.

[MrOracle]

Does it really matter? If he knows and is doing it anyway, then he doesn't respect you. If he doesn't know, then he can't be trusted to respect boundaries. Either way, that makes him a person you do NOT want to be in a relationship with, because he is going to hurt you one way or the other: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. He's toxic, and the fact that you haven't left him already tells me that you have self-esteem and self-worth issues, but those issues will only get worse if you continue to be with him. Stand up for yourself and for your future, and break up with him. How HE feels about it doesn't matter nearly as much as how YOU'LL feel once you're away from him (much BETTER about yourself!).

[stubbsy]

If a boyfriend can disrespect you like this and not even take your feelings into consideration, especially like you said, you wasn't at your best, not that you need an excuse or a reason to just want to relax, then he is really not going to change, and your right to want more respect, so don't show him your full of hot air, follow through with your threat, if he has any respect for you, he will apologise and try and make things right, but don't say something and do the opposite, this will just make him feel superior to you, x

[XRabbitHeartX]

I can't tell you what you should do but I would never stay with a guy who had the heart to tell his own girlfriend that she's a cunt. To put the icing on the cake, he did it again after you said you don't like it. So basically he has zero respect for you. A man who has respect for his lady will not do something like that. Whether he has anger issues or not, that's absolutely no excuse. It's never ever okay to disrespect your partner. I'd never in a million years call the person I love a "cunt". Would you?

[BatDoc]

I use the word cunt sparingly. But there are some times when a girl is being exactly that, a cunt. Now I wasn't there, so I don't have enough information to make a proper assessment of your behavior in said situations when the word was used to describe you. But how you were acting isn't the issue here. The issue here is your objection to the use of a word to describe your perceived behavior.

Would it make a difference if he called you a bitch? What about if he called you a brat? Do you have the same issues with those words?

The point of all this is he uses the word. And you have a problem with the word. So you might as well take the short route and break up with him because this will continue to be an issue as you move forward in any kind of relationship with this guy.

[Asker]

its about respect. even when i'm angry i never call him bad words. not even asshole or jerk. it's counterproductive to healthy communication and actually resolving an issue. so yes, i take issue with all the words you mentioned because it's disrespectful to call the person you love those things. the intent is to hurt on purpose. i take issue with that. Cunt is the worst word of all in my opinion (an opinion i've shared with him).

[Asker]

also i detailed the situation. i was in a bad mood (admittedly) and not feeling very social or conversational. they wanted to play a game and i wasn't up for it. he called me selfish and stubborn and told me to leave. i did. he called me a cunt.

[BatDoc]

Looks like you already have your answer then. Break up with the guy and find a guy who aligns with your views better. Find someone who doesn't use those words you don't like. Because no matter how much you like this guy, if he okay using those words now, that will never change. He will always use them. He might try not to, but eventually he will slip up in anger or the heat of the moment. Cut your losses and find someone else.

[madhatters4]

if a guy can't respect your simple request to no address you in a derogatory way then you need to really consider if he is worth being with.

I know that some people don't think that word is all that bad, but most people do think it's terrible. It would be one thing if he used it more casually (that guys a p*ssy, don't be a b*tch) but it seems clear that he uses it as a direct and punishing insult. That is a non-starter in my book. If a female friend of mine told me that a guy friend was insulting her that way, I'd have a long talk with this guy. It's simply unacceptable for a quality guy to insult a person, let alone his gf and in this really harsh way

[harakiri]

Really, woman? Exercise those atrophied brain cells and dump this fuckface.

[Blondiee2014]

I just left my partner. , from now if anyone gives me any form of abuse physical/ mental/verbal they are soo out of my life, id be really upset if someone in my relationship called me a cunt. I'd at the very least take a step back away from him for a few weeks and let him attempt to pull you back in.

[pretty15]

Okay
I'm going through something similar to that.
Having a similar experience, I'll tell you to stay with him

If you have so many positives, that's the reason you even bothered putting up this question. If it wasn't worth fighting for, you'd have broken up long ago.

He will get over this and he will learn.
Just hang in there and be patient. It's an anger management issue which needs love and patience from you. He does this only with you because you are probably the closest person to him in his life.

So in conclusion
I said stay with him and be patient.

[BCRanger10]

She has been patient enough. She gave him one more chance. He blew it. He doesn't respect her and therefore does not deserve her.

[pretty15]

I completely agree with you BCranger10 But he needs help and love and most probably she's the only source of it all which the reason he's been too open with her which caused that abusiveness in the first place Plus she says that their relationship has many positives and she's in doubt that is 50/50 which is the reason she asked this question. Thus this is enough to know that their relationship holds meaning for them both and it's never a good logical choice to end a relationship over a word. Plus we don't know his side of the story. I know abusing cannot be justified ever but this is an anger management issue which requires a loved one's care, support and patience.

[pretty15]

Dear asker You will get MANY responses saying that it's not worth it and you should end the relationship over one word. It's actually upto you. You need to think how important he is for you and if the relationship has ANY meaning for you. If it does then it's worth staying and working on him otherwise you can give up. Also, consider this- Would he give up on you if you seemed almost hopes to him? If no, then you should stay and help him change. He's an adult, he will understand.

[Asker]

when we're great we're great, but when he's angry even if its a petty fight, he escalates it by calling me names and attacking my character and using generalizations like "it's always like this" or lists horrible things he thinks about me and then says "its just who you are." he goes for the low blow every time no matter how many times i ask him to stop. I've tried to talk to him when we're both calm about how we can communicate effectively and non-destructively when we're angry and he refuses to participate. he says it's a waste of time. When everything is good, it's wonderful, but when it's bad, he's abusive and manipulative, and non-repentant. when he feels threatened (like i might leave) he'll go for the kill.

[pretty15]

Again, do you feel it's worth it? If there's a tiny chance that he'll change.. It's better to stay because starting all over when you have so many memories associated to someone so close to you is silly. Just think about it. Is it worth it? Simple. Yes or no?

[pretty15]

Also, I've been through this. If you need more details you can message me :)

[Asker]

I'm leaning towards no. it's not worth it. he needs love and support? i give him that. even when he's being horrible to me, i make sure to only use "i" language and tell him how I FEEL instead of telling him mean things about himself. What about my love and support? asking him not to call me a cunt is a small thing that should be easy for him to do, right?

[pretty15]

Okay I understand. Now do exactly this- leave him forever and NEVER look back and never feel guilty about it. Make sure you know that it's not your fault and then leave him. Is that okay?

[Dionysos]

Why are you even asking this question? Kick his ass to the curb and be thankful you never let him knock you up. He will not change. Anyone who will call someone he's supposed to care about a cunt and then do it again after he was told not to, while trying to keep you from seeing your father once out of a year...He doesn't give a fuck about you. Goooooood riddance.

[Asker]

he didn't try to keep me from seeing my dad. he just said forget it, i won't be there.

[Dionysos]

Sounds like he was trying to pressure you. I misunderstood. It doesn't change anything though. Tell him to FOAD.

[BCRanger10]

It's not a matter of him "just calling you a...that nasty little word". He can't control his emotions enough to understand that you have your own life and your own wants and needs. He cannot take his anger or insecurities out on you. He doesn't respect you and therefore doesn't deserve you.

[sammy_31]

He obviously lacks communication skills with you even if he says you are stubborn and have an attitude does not give him the right to just call you that. He can't control what he does and says, leave him.

[ArabianPwincess197]

you should leave him

[knotme]

I say Dump him

[Apophis]

Is it remotely possible that he was right in saying that?
Too bad we won't get his side of the story.

I think you're right in the sense that if everything else is good, is it really worth ending over a word?

[Asker]

i was in a bad mood and wasn't as conversational as he would have wished and i didn't want to play the game. so he might be right in calling me a cunt? No matter WHAT i'm doing. i NEVER want to be called that. just like no matter how angry he makes me I NEVER call him names or attack his character. i tell him how his words/actions have made me feel. i don't go for the jugular and say "you're a bad person".

[rgb008]

The C word is the most degrading word a man can ever call a woman.
Why is he still your boyfriend if he called you this again?

[biggie90]

The C word is probably the worst thing a guy can call a girl so leave him.

[douride2]

Sounds like your going to stay. I would say leave him.

[JoshTinWA]

Simple enough. It seems to be a hard limit for you. Hard limits don't have to be about words alone, they are whatever you're not willing to tolerate.
If the hard limit was something he did in bed when he felt like it, everyone would tell you it was rape. This is only slightly different. The point is, he either respects your hard limits or he doesn't.

If you can tolerate him stepping over the line, then you've already got your answer.

Oh and the thing with your dinner with dad, that is emotional manipulation and that kind of thing gets worse with time. I would not allow anyone to manipulate me in any way. Does the guy have a right to be annoyed bc your bad day ended up affecting his day? Sure. Does he have the right to lash out like a child? No.

You don't need our advice. If it's making you unhappy and it's not tolerable... Why continue?

[Anonymous]

Threw options
Be immature -Call him a dick
Be insecure- stay with him
Sick of it- leave

I'm assuming you're going to stay though. Since you are talking to complete strangers about this. Only a secure girl would know how to handle this