Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Is it unfair for a girlfriend to expect her boyfriend to never masturbate again, ever, while waiting for marriage?

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a very religious lady who is absolutely wonderful. We are talking a lot about marriage lately. In the spirit of being 100% honest with her, I have talked about my past (heavy p*rn use and masturbation) and she said that the past is the past and all that matters is from now going forward. We are both virgins and waiting until marriage. She asked me if I could promise her to never masturbate again (since it's a mortal sin in our faith). I happen to be on an anti-depressant that makes it impossible for me to have wet dreams (which are not considered a sin, as they are involuntary), so the only relief I can get from the buildup of fluids is masturbation. I get kind of restless and irritated when I go too long without release, and I pretty much wind up humping the mattress at night in frustration (without release, just kind of like scratching an itch). When she asked me to promise not to do it again, she kind of made it clear that she wasn't comfortable about the relationship continuing if I couldn't control my libido. Is this unfair or unreasonable on her part? I slipped up and let myself have release, and now I feel guilty about it. I could stop taking the meds and let myself have wet dreams, but then I might break down with anxiety, which will not be good for my employment.
Updates:
+1 y
Okay, just to clarify, I'm not asking if her views on masturbation are unfair. My concern is that she seemed to want me to be as chaste as she is, and I struggle with that.
+1 y
Disregard this question. I've talked to her, and she is still supportive of me. I took what she said before out context. She will not break up with me over something like this, she's just concerned about the state of my soul because she loves me.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Having read some of the other comments on your question here, let me first, as a Catholic, say welcome home :-)

    I don't think it's unreasonable or unfair for her to ask for this change of lifestyle. What would be unreasonable and unfair is this..."Stop that. Right now. Never do it again or else we're finished and I'll never talk to you again."

    This is a two-way street and a very beautiful one at that. This is the woman that you have chosen to love. As such, you know that you will have to struggle against your past life in order to unite yourself with her. By the same token, she should understand that you will face temptations, but also take inspiration from how you fight against them and more importantly, how you will get up and keep pressing forward when you do slip up. Remember, "... there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than for ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent" (Luke 15:7). Of course, you don't want to throw that in her face, but it's something important to keep in mind.

    Here are a few of my recommendations. 1) Pray the Rosary everyday AND read up on Our Lady's Fifteen Promises of The Rosary. 2) Read Love & Responsibility and the Theology of The Body. 3) Listen to Jason Evert's talk entitled Detox. 4) Go to Confession at least once a week (I cannot stress that enough!) and receive the Sacraments. 5) This ties in with the previous point, but never... give... up! Always have hope.

    I'm also working on a blog post about this. Send me a private message and I'll send it to you when I post it. Also message me if you need someone to talk to, an accountability/prayer partner, etc. I'm more than happy to oblige :-)

    • Thank you! We pray the Rosary over Skype at least once a week, but I know I should do it more often. I have "Love & Responsibility," but I haven't had a chance to fully dive into it. My girlfriend is very traditional, so she doesn't really agree with some of the things that JP II said. I'm more open to it as a new Catholic. I will talk to her about what you said regarding picking myself up after I fall.

    • That's good. Be careful with how it comes up, though. This is something that requires more lead-in and rapport before you discuss. Since we mention it, how does it usually come up? Love & Responsibility is very dense, just a heads-up. You might want to read Edward Sri's Men, Women, and The Mystery of Love first. And for the record, it was written a couple of years BEFORE Vatican II.

    • It came up because I wanted to be totally honest with her in every way. We've talked about expectations of sex before (nothing explicit of course, just in general, as in how each of us felt about it in marriage, because I was a little nervous that she would think it was bad or sinful, even for a married couple---this was not the case at all).

  • Absolutely it's unfair.

    It sounds like you won't be getting married to her, you'll be getting married to her church. She doesn't think for herself and believes whatever the church tells her. When you talk to her, instead of having discussions with your wife, she'd merely be a mouthpiece echoing whatever the church says.

    She obviously doesn't get it. To even ask you to promise such a thing shows complete ignorance about reality. Especially considering you can't even have wet dreams. What she is doing in essence is asking you to torture yourself.

    Bottom line is she's asking you to make a promise that you can't keep. You'll end up doing it anyway, so either you lie about it and continue feeling guilty, or you tell her the truth. I'd tell her the truth - no promises, and you will continue doing it.

    • I never brought up the thing about wet dreams with her, to be honest. I do agree that it's a promise I can't keep, especially due to the lack of wet dreams. I honestly don't remember what I said in response. I can usually last a few weeks at most before I just lose it in a moment of temptation, and it happens.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Yes it is absolutely unfair. I don't know what your religion is, but masturbation is not a sin, at least not in my view. I am not religious, but I do have certain things that I consider wrong, and masturbating is not one of them. It is not wrong to want to give yourself pleasure. Better to beat it than impregnate a girl while you are in a relationship.

    I'm guessing you're Catholic, by my reckoning. Nowhere in the Bible does it mention masturbation or giving oneself pleasure as a sin, so this jive about it sending you to hell is ridiculous. Your God supposedly created us to be sexual creatures, and he gave you pleasure receptors for a reason, so use them all you want.

    I would never stay with a person who makes such unreasonable demands. Especially when it comes to HER religion, and it interferes with my beliefs.

    That is all I have to say.

    • It says something like it's better to put your sperm in a hooker than to spill seed on the ground or something ridiculous like that.

    • I fully respect you, so don't feel like I'm preaching or anything, but to explain where I'm coming from, it has to do with abusing sexuality. Sexuality by itself is not bad in Catholicism, but using it in a way that God did not intend is a bad thing.

    • To be quite frank, the only sexual sins your good book denounces is rape, sodomy, homosexuality, incest, bestiality and extramarital/premarital sex. For all we know, your God doesn't give two shits whether you beat your meat or a girl rubs herself silly. It is not up to us mortals to determine fr God what is sin and what isn't. You shouldn't let what your woman says control your actions. That is between you and God.

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  • Do it because it's what you believe it, not for anybody else. I don't think its unreasonable on her part simply because you are aware of her beliefs and she wants someone who demonstrates the same things. If you are uncomfortable with that then you two aren't compatible. Sure you can try and pretend for a while, but if you aren't doing it for God then whats the point? You're worried about losing your relationship but forget that you could go to Hell. I'm not blaming you in the slightest don't worry, but if you think the masturbation issue is the only issue in regards to religion and her, then maybe think about marrying her? That way you can solve your problems easily lol. Thats what they get married so early in my faith lol.

    Hope my answer wasn't too much. I just say it how I call it. I'm not a saint either believe me.

    • We definitely plan on marrying each other, but I have to save up to move up to where she lives (we've visited each other already). I do try to not masturbate because I feel it's wrong, not just because of her. It's just very hard sometimes, because I still have a high libido. One of the reasons I told her about my struggles is because I would then be accountable to her as well as God.

    • She's a cradle Catholic, and I'm a recent convert, for what it's worth.

  • I understand where she is coming from I was raised by strict Christian parents and I thought anything sexual even masturbating was wrong. You need to educate her and tell her masturbation something you need to do and it's natural and okay. You need to get her to understand that. I know, that if she really loves you she should accept who you are and your decisions but that works both ways. I will tell you now talking to her and trying to get her to understand that issue will be hard and she may even stop the marriage but if this is a big issue for you then you need to come to a common ground with her. Good luck

    • Thanks. My biggest concern is not that I *need* to masturbate, but that I know it will happen every so often due to build-up of sexual tension and fluids, and that she will be bothered by it.

    • Without getting too detailed, after a few weeks there's a point at which it's pretty much inevitable that one thing will lead to another, and I'll start masturbating and nothing on earth is going to convince me to stop until it's over. So it's not like I said "I'm going to masturbate today"... it just happens.

    • So explain that to her hope she understands and not end the relationship.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • It's unfair for her to want you to stop it but it comes from her beliefs. Just tell her the best way you can that you need to do it and it's part of human nature.

  • Masturbation as a sin? What kind of brainwashing religion are you into? That alone is ridiculous, but someone demanding that you stop all together or she can't be with you anymore? Really? Sounds like a disaster in the making!

  • IMHO, it's unfair.

    What faith are you btw?

    • Catholic. I'm a recent convert (I started the process before we met).

    • Incidentally not ejaculating ever is unhealthy for your prostate. We are not meant to meet ejaculate.

    • Oh I know, but many guys would have a wet dream if they don't masturbate. I had them very frequently before I started taking an SSRI.

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  • I am sorry, but I think it is unfair of her. wouldn't she be able to compromise on that for your sake? (If she really cares about you...)

    • I am Catholic too and I believe that are certain things in our faith that are just plain antiquated and not at all natural to the human being to live by. But I still believe in God, O just choose to also believe on myself.

    • She's a traditional Catholic (pre-Vatican II Latin Mass and all).

  • It's not only unfair, it's also irrational and silly.

  • Her expectation is incredibly unreasonable, in my opinion.

    I mean, she's free to want and expect anything that she likes, but that doesn't make it realistic, ya know?

  • She needs to get over herself. That is an absurd request on her part.

  • Your girlfriend is either a) cruel, or b) has no clue about male sexuality. She needs to get over herself.

    • She's not cruel, she's just devoutly religious.

    • the 2 things aren't mutually exclusive

    • I understand where you're coming from, but she really is not a cruel person. She just takes our religion very seriously.

  • Masturbation itself isn't a sin, watching p*rn is though. But then again, so is looking lustfully at any woman (Matt 5:28). Try telling her this and see what she syas

    • Masturbation is considered a sin in Catholicism.

  • It is unfair and unrealistic. Talk with a priest at confession. See what he says.

  • Just do it and don't tell her why does she need to know?

    • Because a marriage based on deception and distrust is doomed to fail.

    • Everybody has secrets man

  • It is incredibly unreasonable. It's not fair to ask any guy to do that, especially when you aren't putting out for them, I get that it is against her/your religion but if you need release then it's not fair of her to ask you to stop, it's human nature.

    • It can be argued that it is fallen human nature, but that doesn't make it right or holy. We've already talked about sex within marriage, and she is very open and positive about it. It's a matter of staying chaste before then.

    • I guess what I mean is that I'm willing to purposefully not masturbate, but I know that I will slip up from time to time.

    • Well I don't understand why it isn't 'chaste' I get it's a performance of sexual intention, but you aren't involving other people in any sexual act. If she is that important to you don't masturbate, I still think it's ridiculous for her to ask you but it's about the religion so if it's important do it for her.

  • Yes that's really unfair and illogical

  • yes, that is ridiculous!

  • It's human nature and yes it is unfair just do it she probably does.

    • She doesn't, and I believe her. She's very devout.

    • yeah but people lie she could in bathroom your not to know. Just do what you want and not what others want it is your life

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