Why do guys act so hot and cold?

[Anonymous]

This guy and I used to be very close. We would text everyday and hang out at the same place at night. We never went there together or have hung out outside of that place. One day, he just stopped everything. he gave me the cold shoulder and would not return text. No, there was no other girl. Out of the blue, 3 1/2 months later, he randomly & shyly broke the silence. In shock, I said hi back. He kept it brief but we were both happy. I didn't go back for a few days. I never heard from him & so went on with my usual. He then ignored me so I stayed away. if I talked to guys he would stare yet would freak out and move away if I was alone & sat close to him. Hed get up& leave or move away. So I kept my distance not knowing what he wanted. A week later, being silly & goofy, he decides to show something that was an inside joke to us. It's dirty & I gasped asking why he was showing it. He just shrugged, giggled & covered his face w his hat. He left for the night happy & said goodnight. I text him after he left that he was a dork. No response. The day after, went back to ignoring. Two days ago, he smiled at me & laughed but didn't say much, left without saying by, so different from before. Last night I tried to talk to him & he smiled & chuckled and said nothing more. Tonight, back to giving me the cold shoulder. In fact, he was so bothered that I was there, that the only seat in the room available was the one next to him. He tensed up, finished his drink as quick as possiblr, threw money down & left as fast as possible. He did that before when he first stopped talking to me. If he hates me, why did he bother and break the ice? Why was he showing me personal stuff from our past (they were kinky type jokes and memes that had other people wondering why he was showing them to get my reaction too). Why can't I be near him? He gets figity and needs to get away. It contradicts if days before he was showing rather intimate inside jokes that he only has w me!

[mjj2x]

Because he is messing with you, he just wants to see if he still has some control over you. Don't let him have it. He sounds like classic mr. unavaliable and trust there is nothing worse than feeling like your only good enough for him a little bit of the time. Just drop him like the rock he is.

[Asker]

I don't understand the push and pull. I havr known him for a few years. This has happened before but this is the worse that it has ever been

[mjj2x]

I hate to use the classic phrase "you want what you can't have" but there is some truth behind it. its like a weird check in thing he does with you right? The moment you show little or no feedback to him the more he will try to "check in" so to speak. So im pretty sure if you did not respond at all towards his bipolar behavior and just start ignoring him, he would put more effort in to bug you. at the end of the day though do you want someone who only makes you feel secure 10% of the time? I understand that youve known this guy for quite awhile but as you also said its not a new occurence in fact it's only gotten worse. It just sounds like he is not spending the time you are thinking about each other. which is not fair to you, he may not be intenionally trying to hurt you but that is no excuse for his actions. he just lacks consideration towards you.

[Asker]

So what triggers a "check in" ? To me, if a guy or girl for that matter is not interested in someone, they would tell them so. They would not feed into it, even JOKE about sex. At all. Whatsoever. He never jokes about sex w anyone. If he does, it's "har har" funny. With me, he looks for my response. When I'm bashful, he blushes and convers HIS face. He's always bringing it up but hides behind it being a joke. Yet in an instance, act like he didn't do anything thr very next day. It has made me anxious.

[StrategicThinker]

Why are women so flaky towards men? I'm just doing exactly what women do to me and it works extremely well against you.

[Asker]

I'm not following... what do you mean, flaky towards men? I've tried to text him, talk to him, make eye contact. It seems to be when it's convenient for him. Can you explain a little further?

[StrategicThinker]

Had he not played hot and cold and made it easy for you, you would have considered him a none challenging "nice guy" and lost interest in him. You women due to your nature automatically set the tone for mind games. And I'm sure you're going to disagree with what I'm saying because women hate more than anything when the ugly truth about them is explain regarding their natural behavior towards men. And lets be clear about something else: I'm speaking from experience. I've dated a lot of women. All types.

[Asker]

I'm not saying anything against your statements. I'm just trying to understand how it applies to me. I have shown nothing but interest to him. Again, this back and forth has been confusing as I thought it was a sure sign to start talking again. From his actions tonight, he wanted nothing to do with me. I've known him for years so this isn't like I've only talked to him for a few months. Take away gender and he said she said, think of 2 people. Just two people and their interactions. Person A makes an attempt, Person B is relieved and tries to respond, continue towards peace if you will. Person A, declines. Person B is left thinking that nothing is wanted so thus removes themselves. Person A tries again and the pattern repeats. At what point, after numerous attempts to make peace, does it go beyond this? At what point can you ask the person, who goes to great lengths to avoid any confrontation and questioning, that they actually care about you? When it goes beyond this alleged game?

[Asker]

What I struggle with is being slotted in the same category as women that play games. I understand that many do, absolutely agree with you on that. However, why is it that all women are assumed to do this? I'm just trying to understand why one minute he seems to miss me, goes to great lengths to get my attention, my REACTION, succeeds, and when I try to be friends again, it's as if his attempts from days prior NEVER occurred? It's a bi-polar up and down situation. Again, I do agree that many people play these games. But I'm not playing again, I'm just trying to take these instances as signs to talk again. I don't know what he wants because it's all over the place. I spent quite the evening crying as I'm so frustrated. It hurt that he was so disgusted by my mere presence when just 24 hours before he was smiling and making eye contact with me.

[Asker]

I wish there was something more between us. But... he keeps me at such arms length. So am I wrong to assume that he only wants to be friends? So when I try to be that, he throws out a personal inside joke that is quite risqué. I honestly don't know what he wants.