Poll included - Should I tell my parents?

[Anonymous]

When I was 12 years old, my Uncle (who wasn't really an Uncle, just a family friend of my grandparents) started to make sexual advances at me. He never raped me but he felt up my barely-there breasts with my grandma getting changed in other room and he gave me £20. Ever since then I avoided being alone in a room when he's under the same roof as me. I ended up giving that £20 to my 11 year old cousin as it made me feel so dirty looking at it. I never told anyone inside the family of these incidents, simply because I didn't think they would believe me or they'll call me a liar or say that I mistook it for an accidental touch. As I said before, I kept my distance from him but my Dad would always ask me to hug and kiss him goodbye and when I refused my Dad would shout at me. My Uncle died last year from a heart attack he had in middle of night. I didn't show any remorse or grief over his death. I am now almost 20 years old and I still keep these memories that haunt me to myself and the only person who knows is my boyfriend. I want to tell my parents, I think my Mum would believe me but once my Dad tells my grandparents chaos will erupt and it's a garautee that he will tell them... He's kind of a Momma's boy. For those of you who suggest just telling my Mum and ask her to keep it to herself, she won't. Knowing her, she will become so angry and end up telling my Dad anyway of how agitated she is of my grandparents ignorance of my Uncle's nature. Should I continue to keep this between me and my boyfriend or tell my parents?

[syd48]

You can't do anything about this now, but I think you could explain that you weren't sad when your uncle died because of what he did when you were small. This, your experience, is not uncommon.
What is common is that family may not want to believe you. They may say initially, why do you say this now he is dead. They won't want to believe it. It is a horror for any parent. But now you are safe, but still carry this secret around and it should not be a secret. The answer to that is that it should not be an argument and it is something which has troubled you for years and why should a child feel this guilt from something they had no control over.
Your parents may get angry, but it will not be with you (although it may seem that way) it will be because they can't put things right, apart from helping you and believing you.
If they don't believe you you must be blunt and say that you expected their help and support because when it happened you were a child and they did not / could not protect you. Eventually they will understand.

[Asker]

I'm not so worried about my parents reactions as I am about my grandparents. They have branded me as the black sheep of the family when I was young and they always put my cousins before me. Basically it was always their word against mine... i say 'was' but they still do it. I believe my parents will believe me and have that exact reaction. It's when my Dad tells my grandparents... Which he will... Will cause a major breakdown in the family

[syd48]

You can only get rid of this burden by telling people. You should not feel guilty and if your Grandparents don't accept it then I am sure you can live with that. Maybe the abuse had something to do with you being the ' black sheep' ? This is not your fault, you were a child. You should have been protected by parents and Grand parents. But sometimes it can't be done and as I said before, this is quite common and family don't want to face it.

[Asker]

Thank you but the thing is how do I tell them? Every time I got close to telling them when he was alive, I have a massive anxiety attack. Could I get my boyfriend to speak for me whilst I'm there? At least he would be straight out about it and he promotes telling them about it. I feel it would be easier if I got him to speak for me. All he has to say is the main statement and I can take it from there.

[syd48]

That may be a solution and he can explain that you have been afraid and that you are still afraid of their reaction.

[Asker]

Thank you. You've really helped me unlike the other guy who claims it is selfish of me to want to tell my parents of what's been haunting me for 8 years.

[syd48]

My ex-wife had this same experience. Her parents would never listen or believe her. But the 'uncle' was sleazy' and is also dead now. I know it is still a small problem for her because she believes her parents would have not supported her. But these things are best out of your system.

[Ratbag666]

i was in favour of you telling your parents but then i read the whole question. if you keep it just between you and your boyfriend then that secret will eat you up and i know this from personal experience. this might be a bad option but don't judge me for this.
maybe wait until your grandparents pass away so that chaos won't erupt.

i had a secret like this, i have a murderous voice in my head, when i get really angry i sometimes black out and end up waking up with people telling me that i tried to kill someone or i hallucinate which makes me see the sky turn red and the buildings around are on fired or destroyed, people are dead, dying, or on fire and i'm knee deep in blood that isn't mine the the world fades back to reality.

i still have some other secrets and i'm struggling to keep them. one of them is that i think i have a crush on a 9 year old friend. can you help me with that?

[Asker]

If that's the case, I'll be waiting another 20-30 years until I can tell them given the average lifespan my family has. The oldest living relative is my great gran and she's 91. My grandparents are now 71 and 70, I'll be waiting a while.

[SuperMommie13]

I say tell them Bc it seems like something you need as closure. Honestly fuck your grandparents if they don't believe you, things like this only further prove blood isn't always thicker than water.

I was molested by my cousin when I was 7, I didn't tell my mom until I was 12. She believed me when others wouldn't and that's all I needed.

[Asker]

Thank you :) it's better to hear it from someone who has been through a family breakdown through revealing a grotesque secret. I just know that my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins would disown me. Unless my female cousin 3 years younger than me experienced the same with him. I don't know for sure if she was molested by him though but I noticed he paid more attention to me as I was... developing.

[SuperMommie13]

Yea but like I said if they disown you Bc of something like this you don't need them. Things like this should pull a family together, not apart. If you need to, message me anytime to talk. It's always nice to know someone has your back, I don't even know you but I have yours :)

[Asker]

Thank you, I'll message you as long as you keep my username a secret from this question :)

[SuperMommie13]

Lol no problem

[Ashari]

Tell them for your own sake. It was not good for your psychology and most sexual harrasment came from close family. They keep quiet bcoz it's family and i think it's not right. Nobody deserve to be treated that way

[BelleGirl21]

Tell them absolutely! If not for their understanding then for your closure. Your parents will understand and they love you. As a mom myself, I would definitely want to know.

[weegin]

I really think you should have told earlier than this. Not telling only enables people like that. Silence is their friend.

[Asker]

I've always been too afraid to tell them because I've always been afraid to be called a liar.

[weegin]

Well you're not a liar are you?

[Asker]

No but there's no way to prove I'm telling the truth is there.

[weegin]

There's no way for them to prove you're lying, so you might as well tell them. At the very least to get it off your chest, even if they don't believe you.

[AustinMan]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You should absolutely tell them but if that's too hard, tell a counselor experienced with sexual abuse victims. You need to deal with this or it could be an issue for the rest of your life and that's grossly unfair.

[Tdieseler]

tell them. but thats a two way street though. they could either be sympathetic and find you help and support, or they can call you a bald-faced liar who has no shame and is disrespecting the dead. and then you end up like me :)
both ways, you never know. its 50/50 heads/tails. why choose tails when there's a shot at getting head... on the coin
(that came out soooo wrong lol)

[Asker]

I doubt highly that my Mum would be calling me a liar nor will my Dad, he'll just be angry at himself at not seeing the signs. My grandparents are the ones most likely to call me a liar.

[Tdieseler]

take a shot then.

[Asker]

But 'taking a shot' would cause a meltdown in my family. I know my grandparents would straight out call me a liar

[Tdieseler]

the question was "should I tell my parents"... so tell them, leave G-ma and G-pop out of it for now.. let your parents deal with that.

[Asker]

If you read the description fully, you would know this wouldn't work.

[Tdieseler]

i did.. and it sounds like a chain event. thats why i said let them deal with it. you try to excuse yourself (at least thats what i would do)

[brittany12]

I think you should tell your parents they will understand

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You should absolutely tell them sooner than later.

[Mesonfielde]

Well he is kinda dead now, so even if you tell anyone, nothing will actually change. The only one to gain solace from that is you. The question is, is it worth it? Will it change anything for you?

[girl111m]

tell then and if possible talk with an advisor its the only way you can leave this in your past.

[jwhit]

I think there's no point in telling them now, you're grown and your uncle has passed away now. There's nothing they can do about it and no good will come from you telling them so late. I do feel bad for you having to go through that though.

[Anonymous]

you should tell them that dirty pedophiles like him must to be exposed weather he's dead or alive

[Anonymous]

You aren't scarred from it but telling them will scar their past unretrievably. Please dont. They will blame themselves.

[Anonymous]

I voted that you tell them but felt that I should clarify that. Tell SOMEONE, anyone. As the man is dead there is no reason to tell the 'family' so that no other child is in that position although you do need to come to terms with it and deal with it, for some talking helps - for others not so much. I was abused by a male first cousin for almost ten years. Never told anyone. Dealt with it however I could. Ended up strung-out on drugs for more years then I was abused. I have told a few people - some family some not and got clean and have been sober for over 15 years.

Please talk to someone, even a priest or other understanding person (s)...

[Anonymous]

There's NOTHING they could/can do about this.
Telling is SO selfish
but understandably a real healing genesis & burden off your shoulders.
So... WHO to tell?

WHEN you have a life partner (marriage is better) HE is the one to share it + he will be able to DO something about events going forward & be more supportive/understanding than the other options posted here

Until then
GROW UP and realize how far a cry this act was from touching vag/other spots - you were like a boy then, so feel blessed how far away you were from a real sexual event
then
BEAR HUG your dad and others a) for being your caretaker, however imperfect all your growing years + protecting you from much worse events AND realize THEY have needs also, which include your love demonstrated through hugs

[Asker]

Clearly I ain't turning to you for advice. Sexual harassment is harassment no matter what age! You are a terrible, terrible person.

[Asker]

Its men like you that stop women from coming out about their abuse by making them feel ashamed of being felt up or raped! He felt me up and then paid me! This is not selfish or makes me immature in any way. You are turning this to pin the blame on an innocent 12 year old for something a over 50 year old man did. "You were like a boy then" so what did I always have a penis until puberty? you are absolutely oblivious and a fuckig moron

[weegin]

@Asker Why did you even ask the question if you already know you should tell?

[Opinion Owner]

she asked this question to gain support from the world... and we do support her BUT it's just too selfish to burden others with this NOW as for me being one of those guys, sorry but I'm innocent of doing and also approving of such BUT not able to change history and what point is it to 20-20 hindsight judge your uncle... what's past is past but your future can deal with it and prevent it from happening with others, given the opportunity SORRY you are so bitter BUT many gals I know have been through this for real (penetrated) and have eventually healed themselves to the point that they love sex with the right guy and not really bothering others with guilt

[Asker]

@weegan because other then being too afraid to tell, revealing this 8 year long secret will tear my family apart. I already know it will and I want to know would it be better off to keep it to myself to relief this ton of bricks and break free from the memories or keep it to myself and pretend all is good whilst I'm tearing up an screaming inside as they remember that Uncle as an innocent man.

[Asker]

When have I bothered others with guilt over this? I already stated that I have told no-one of this other than my boyfriend. I don't see point in talking to someone who has no idea what it feels like to have this burden and I don't need you answering my questions for me. You shared your opinion, congratulations on making us girls feel so ashamed about being sexually harassed by the way but your opinion is not wanted here.

[Meldel08]

I just can't understand exactly how telling ur parents about you being sexualy harassed is being SO selfish. It's shameful that I a teen have to tell you your morally corrupt and a fairly ruthless man. Just like ur saying there is no benefit for telling there is nothing wrong with enlightening her parents about the uncles true nature.

[Opinion Owner]

Right now, you're in a self centered rage determined to be right and misunderstand others that offer some advice, even if it's a bit tangent to what you think right = close minded, then abusing THEM as if your mishap gives you license or a badge to do so... the guilt I was referencing earlier was the sandbags you are contemplating dropping on your family... to make yourself feel better

[Asker]

Okay so I'm going to assume you have a daughter or maybe even a granddaughter? Or even a sister? Now would it be so selfish for either one of them to turn round and tell you they have been sexually harassed by their brother/uncle/cousin? Would you want them to tell you that this is happening to them or keep it to themselves so you have one less problem to deal with? Like I said, you opinion isn't wanted here. I agree with @Meldel08, it isn't selfish but asking you to keep it to myself is selfish. I'm not enraged or claiming to be misunderstood but you seem to be looking for excuses for having no morals yourself.

[Opinion Owner]

Apparently more morals than you - keep it to yourself, you had your chance & blew it long ago. Now you want to bash everyone in sight with this "right" you think you have. Others have healed from worse, stop being a baby - you asked for opinions but didn't qualify "only ones that agree with me"

[Asker]

Nor is it 'self centered rage' when I'm speaking on behalf of all women who have been sexually harassed suffering in silence. Like I said, you are promoting suffering in silence simply because of my age at the time. "You was like a boy then" "Should be blessed how far away you were from a real sexual event" So I shouldn't tell my family simply because I wasn't raped? It was a REAL sexual event; inappropriate touching of a minor is sexual harassment.

[Asker]

I'm not disqualifying people who don't agree with me. I'm disqualifying the guy that is calling me selfish and pinning the blame of the whole event on a 12 year old. You are disqualifying calling this 'sexual harassment' simply because it wasn't rape and my age. You clearly have no idea of how it works and I'm starting to suspect that you may have sexually harassed young girls in the past as you are the only one trying to hard to promote silence for women/girls who are suffering. Whether he is dead or alive, it still happened and I know my parents would want to know this information. I have a lot more morals than you, with the number of thumbs down you have, they can freely say YOU'RE the one without morals.

[Opinion Owner]

Making your parents unhappy looooong after THE ACT that you covered up until now... really selfish High morals - life with BF not married Judge & jury - qualifications = none Abuse sent to others not in agreement... justified by an historic abuse? Even better... from an ANON... = ANON can throw rocks at faces but faces can't throw them back = sterling I will agree with you on one point only... going anon is best in such circumstances

[Asker]

No shame in having a boyfriend you pathetic excuse of a man. Just don't reply, your opinion is not wanted. You advice is inaccurate, you have no morals and you pass me off as being a baby. You didn't bother answering my question about if your daughter/granddaughter/sister was being sexually molested simply because I was right to say you would want to know. Pathetic, that's all you are.

[Meldel08]

@Asker you literally read my mind with the last comment. And I hope you've told your parents. Don't even waste your time justifying yoursel to a person whom's state of mind can never be knocked into some sense. Though I do think you don't need our opinion for this. You'd be amazed at how much of a relief it'll be after you get this off your chest and do not worry about tearing apart your family it most likely won't happen.

[Asker]

@Meldel08 I will tell them sometime in the near future. But I noticed how he decided to put himself on anon and then have a go at me for becoming anon. My excuse for being anon is justified by the question itself, his reason is cowardice.

[Opinion Owner]

Beware - she has a license to hate & abuse others

[Asker]

You're the one who started hate and abuse on me but once I fought back you played the victim and like the vindictive coward, you avoided answering a question that would prove I was right in saying that I should tell them. This isn't your problem but you've made it so by being so pushy and arrogant about proving me to be selfish and that you'd even go as far to claim I was too young to be molested. By the way "you were like a boy then" still classes as molestation no matter what gender the victim is. Go back to the hole you crawled out of.

[Opinion Owner]

Many who have been molested do not have such a reaction as this... unless they harbor some compliance guilt with the act. I was concerned about the future your actions might take but now... thinking you/them deserve the inevitable outcome & fallout.

[Asker]

Then so be it. If someone in my family doesn't believe me then I don't need them in my life. Nor do I need you in my life. Bye bye