Men, why do you not?

[Anonymous]

Quick question. Why do a lot of men (not all, but a lot that I've spoken to,) always do this "But women love that!" when you say you don't like something sexual that you don't like. For instance, I've done anal. Hated it. It didn't hurt (obviously at first it did,) but it didn't feel good, either. Fell awkward and horrible and was a complete turnoff. I'm the type that'll try anything once, but if I don't like it, there's no changing my mind. I was open to trying it, wanted to please him, and continually did it, but I hated it. It was not pleasurable. Very unpleasant, awkward, and left me both turned off and completely unsatisfied. For a long time, that's how sex went with my ex, because he loved anal, and he never did clitoral stimulation or vaginal stimulation. I would just endure anal and at the end, he'd have cum and was peacefully sleeping away while I lay there frustrated and unsatisfied. I loath anal. But when I tell guys this, they're all, "Oh, but women love it! You just did it wrong. Probably hurt, right?" No. I just hate it. Even having a finger there is an INSTANT turnoff to me. There's no pleasure there, none. But I always get, "OH, you'd love it with me. I can make you cum just by fucking you in the ass!" No, no, you couldn't. Why don't they take "I don't like that" as "I DON'T LIKE THAT"? Why do a lot of men think women are from the same cookie cutter? Do they just hope that they'll get a "Yes, okay, let's try," and then afterward, "YES! I loved it, I want to anally insert this every day!" Or do they really think ALL women are the same and love the same shit? Not just anal, but oral. Personally, I love GIVING oral. I do. It's fun. I make a game out of how many squirms and sounds I can get. But I hate receiving it. It can feel good, it's not that the guy's not good at it. It just doesn't get me off. But I always hear guys going, "Oh, I can get you off that way," or "You're doing it wrong!" Do guys seriously think ALL women love the same shit?

[mr90skid]

Lol egos!! When we hear a women complain about not being satisfied we like to think that the guy she was with was just flat-out fucking terrible and we can be the one's who make you go, " damn baby, I didn't know that could feel so good lol you feel so good in me", or something like that. Another reason is that a lot of women HAVE been with shity partners, who have failed at life when it came to sex. Some of us have been with those women who happen to have a series of bad experiences in bed, but when we were the next man up for her, we performed like gods and blessed her with good D while washing away all her negative feelings toward certain things lol and this all comes from her mouth. Sooo some of us end up thinking we can "fix" your negative views. We know all women don't like the same things but we'd like to be the one that changes their mind. I don't like the thought of doing anal either but I'd try it at least once.

[Asker]

In some cases, though, there are no fixing what you do and don't like: Is it about ego when they tell you straight-up that something turns them off, and they still think they can do it and make them like it? I get what you're saying in some ways, but in some others, there are some girls (myself) who know exactly what they do and don't like. I like a lot of stuff, and I hate a lot of stuff: Is it all ego that makes a guy think they can change what a girl likes and doesn't like?

[Asker]

Rereading your comment, and had to laugh when I read "have failed at life when it came to sex." Have been with those. All but two of my partners were like that.

[mr90skid]

Yeah, I think it's ego for some but for others, they actually think that you just a bad experience and that they're lucky to be in a position to let you know, through sex, that your last partner was a scrub.

[imdaonedatgotaway]

of course not. only the ignorant ones think that.
A partner that keeps comparing you to others or say they do (to get you to do something) is a selfish partner that only think for themselves. if i like you for who you are, then the hell with what everybody does. if i want my partner to do something for me and she apposes, id like to sweet talk her into it. this way both of us will enjoy it. cuz your not just doing it to keep up with others.

[Asker]

Very true, about being selfish, but would you try to sweet-talk her into something she knows turns her off? Despite pleasant experiences, she still doesn't find it enjoyable or doesn't get off from it, would you still try to sweet-talk her? Just out of curiosity. I'm trying to understand this mindset.

[imdaonedatgotaway]

not if she feels that strongly about it. cuz even if she gave in, I'm not gonna enjoy it myself. thets the difference to me between making love and sex. also did she try it with someone else and not like it or did we try it once and she didn't like it? if its the first then i might bring it up in a joking way once in a while. but i wouldn't expect her to do it. it'll be an inside joke that I'm secretly hopping it would happen. but if she tried it with me and didn't like it then def not gonna bring it up again. it was thoughtful enough that she gave it to me once. and if its something related to some issues she had from the past (trauma, abuse... etc) then i would never bring it up. i might tho try to get her to open up about it (not so we can do it) but so she can feel comfortable with me and feel like she can trust me. but id never even do anything remotely close to it. i hope that helps a little

[imdaonedatgotaway]

usually when you ask your partner to do something kinky or controversial, she says no at first out of shyness. so i will bring it up every few months. but if she tells me clearly that its not just being shy, and that she's actually annoyed by it then the hell with it. id rather be with a happy partner than to create tensity over a trivial thing.

[Asker]

To me, it's both trauma and abuse, and just the fact that having someone place their finger there alone turns me off. The trauma for anal comes up with my ex, stated in the question, who, the first time, just jammed it there. Even after the pain stopped after the first couple times, and I could relax from it, it was still unpleasant and awkward. Oral, well, that's a long story. Abuse and trauma there (like it when someone bites your dick? Put it that way. Ow.) but also, even after I learnt to get past that, it just isn't that pleasurable for me. It could be due to the trauma/abuse, but even after I got all that over with, I still don't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy it before my ex, didn't enjoy it with him, and didn't enjoy it when the most recent ex kept sticking his fingers up my ass. It just turns me off.

[Asker]

I'll say this: I'm definitely not shy about what I do and don't like. I'll try anything once, and I have very clear likes and dislikes. When it comes down to sex, I'm not that shy with trying new things. I just know what I do and don't like.

[imdaonedatgotaway]

If a lady ever say what you just said to me to a man amd he still insists on doing it: 1- he's no man at all 2- he's selfish 3- im sorry to say this, he's either gonna dump you or cheat on you 4- just like i said, this relatinship is gonna end eventually, and you're gonna get heart really bad (mentally and emotionally for sure) and meybe physiclly too. 5- this kinda guy has issues towards women. Belive me no one has sicker fantasies than i do, yet i knowy limits and i would never dis a lady like that

[Asker]

Oh, I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who has very different sexual likes and dislikes than I do. Plain out, I have to have the kind of sex I like. I have some pretty twisted fantasies, maybe not sick, but twisted. But, yes, I do believe that guys who insist on this even after what I tell them, and after I make it absolutely clear I do not like it, have issues toward the word "no" and women.

[Aigoo]

They say things like that so girls believe them and question themselves

[Asker]

Sadly, I believe this answer.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You explained why guys say this in your question. Your complaint with anal (in addition to your discomfort) was your ex neglected your pleasure. Since different guys are better/worse in the bed, maybe a guy giving that stimulation to you would make it a good experience. Kinda like a guy saying he didn't like blowjobs because the last girl used teeth

[Asker]

I also explained that even having someone finger there is a turn off. Trust me, anal is not pleasurable for me at all. Even if I'm receiving vaginal/clitoral stimulation, anal is a huge turnoff for me. Just having a finger there is distracted and makes me just want to stop sex altogether. I never had any interest in it, even before my ex, and after him, have had less interest in it. It's a turnoff, despite what stimulation I get from vaginal/clitoral stimulation. That's the explanation I have to give over and over again; I know what I do and don't like, and anal is one of those "I hate" things.

[Asker]

It just plain out does not feel good. It's unpleasant and I don't find any pleasure or interest in it whatsoever.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I'm just saying is that how you phrase it makes guys naturally want to compete with your ex and give you something you didn't think you liked, and have you like it

[Asker]

And I also added in the part about having someone finger me there and still hating it. I have very clear likes and dislikes: Why do so many men try to say that I'm wrong about what I do and don't like?

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Because every guy likes to think their sexual skills can change a woman's mind.

[Asker]

I don't understand that. You can either like or not like something. Nothing's going to change that. For instance: Many people don't like spinach. The preparation of spinach or the dish spinach is laid upon will not change their mind; Why do guys think sex with them will change some woman's mind? If I didn't like spinach prepared with salt on a pink plate, I'm not going to like it prepared with sugar on a green plate.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

But you might like it in a parmesan cream sauce. I used to hate cauliflower, but I like it now

[Asker]

No matter how you dress it up, it's still spinach. Still tastes and looks the same. And I still don't like it.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

But it's always good to try spinach periodically in case your tastes change

[Asker]

Trust me. They won't. Physically, things do not change. Not for me, anyway. It hasn't changed since I was seventeen, and it's not going to change any time soon. And I don't see the point of trying something over and over again in an attempt to possibly change my mind about it when I know without a doubt that no matter how my tastes change, spinach will never be on the menu.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

What if you ate spinach while getting anal?

[ZMathias]

I'm sorry, dude, but I think that when a lady tells you she doesn't like something, and she knows she doesn't like it, you don't need to try to convince her she'll someday like it. I think you really need to listen to what the woman likes, and not have to try to convince her to try something because you like it, or you think she'll like it. Personally, I love it when a woman is adamant about what she likes or doesn't like. I love it when a woman knows her body so intimately that she's not afraid to admit what she does and doesn't like. And when a lady tells you that she absolutely, in no uncertain terms, does not like something sexual, you back up and allow her to change her likes or dislikes on her own, without pressuring her to change her likes or dislikes.

[Asker]

I wouldn't be eating while having sex. Unless it was vaginal sex with chocolate, whipped cream, and strawberries.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Thanks @zmathias

[Asker]

@Zmathias I agree. When a girl tells you what she does or doesn't like, trying to convince her otherwise is not helpful.

[zorro8888]

I guess it's just a way for some guys to get their way. I think p*rn comes in play a lot when guys get these ideas. If you don't me asking why do you hate receiving oral?

[Asker]

It's not that it doesn't feel good, it can sometimes. It just doesn't get me off. Like, ever. Imagine being warmed up and messed with forever, and never receiving a release--would you like it? I don't know why, it just doesn't get me off. No matter how good it can feel.

[zorro8888]

I don't mean to generalize the situation but a lot of guys just don't know how to find the female erogenous zones near the genitals have you tried telling what to do, no one knows your body more than yourself and I personally wouldn't be offended if a girl told me what to do so that it may help her orgasm

[Asker]

Yes, I have, and they always tell me I'm wrong. "You're just doing it wrong. I know what I'm doing. Let me do this/that. You'll love it. All women do." <--- Basically what I hear. I can talk all day about what I do and don't like in sex, but I'm always told I'm wrong, because that's not what every other woman on the face of this planet likes.

[zorro8888]

Wow well those guys are idiots, who tells someone they are wrong about what they like when it comes to their own body...

[Asker]

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

[zorro8888]

Well I think you're just going after the wrong guys then or at least having the wrong guys approach you. I'm sure eventually you'll find the guy who can treat you like the unique woman you are.

[Asker]

I'm not going after anyone. These are just responses I get from guys that try to get in my pants. I like it when a guy can take direction and not tell me I'm wrong in what I like.

[zorro8888]

Yeah If I cared about the girl I'm going to respect her opinions especially about her body

[Asker]

Good. More guys need to be like that, and not be offended when you say you don't like something. Of course, some girls are like that, too. If your partner straight out says he or she doesn't like something, with legitimate reasons, then don't do it.

[been_waiting]

They live in a fantasy world. Too much p*rn .

[Asker]

Very true!!

[been_waiting]

They all think they have a Holy Almighty Dick of Magic

[Asker]

@Been_Waiting I don't know how long I spent laughing at that comment!!! Hahahahaha.

[been_waiting]

Yay :)

[Asker]

Two days later, and I'm still laughing. Omg.

[gapminder]

Guys are fragile creatures that live to please. So when we are told we "can't " or are introduced a hypothetical "challenge" it's game on. Stupid but just telling a guy he can't makes him say "wanna bet?" And yes SOME guys think all girls love the same shit.

[Asker]

But why, when a girl tells you what you can do to please her, do guys try to tell girls they're wrong and other things that turn them off will really get them off? I don't understand this. I'll try anything once, but I have very clear likes and dislikes. I know what turns me on, and what turns me off. Why don't guys take that at face value? Because it's a challenge to turn a girl off the most? Because that's what happens when a guy tries to convince me what I do and don't like.

[gapminder]

Well the short answer is he is the wrong guy. His ego is saying it knows better than you do which is undermining and totally dismissing your feelings and desires. Trust me, there are good guys out there that will listen but unfortunately you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your "prince"

[Asker]

Haha, that's true. I just don't understand that mentality that says you think you know someone else's body better. A couple years ago, that might have been true for me, but now I'm older, and I know more things, and I know what I do and don't like. If a guy told me I was doing a blow job wrong, but I told him that was how my ex liked it, so he had to like it, would that get my point across? For instance, one guy I know likes to be bitten. HARD. Oh, God, it hurts just thinking about it. If I told some guy that's what guys like, would that get my point across that not all people like the same things?

[richardred96]

Thats just fucked up sounds like you talk to a lot of assholes

[Asker]

You have NO idea. . . .

[legalboxers]

I dont do anything and I dont pressure for anything

[Asker]

Very wise!

[legalboxers]

I dont even ask for BJs or HJs

[Elliot0_07]

So if anal didn't hurt at all, why are you complaning? Why is it so hard to please your parteners?

I mean, you're not supposed to have pleasure, but men does! So if it's something guys all like, why are you making problem out of it? Just accept the dick in your ass and feel pleased to make men happy.

[Anonymous]

So you don't like anal. That's cool. Some women don't. Some women DO. I'm married to one.

It sounds like you are making an argument against generalizations here but making a big generalziation yourself. Not sure what to tell you.

[Asker]

I never generalized. I said "some, not all" to avoid generalization. And that's exactly my point: Some women enjoy it, but some do not; Why assume everyone likes the same thing? Why do so many men think all women are the same in their sexual likes? That's my point: We're not the same. Don't generalize. And I didn't generalize. I said a lot of the men I talked to think like this. Did I ever say "ALL men think like this"? No. And I love how you picked up on just ONE aspect of my question.