Best friend is a slut what do I do?

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to do about my best friend she's been driving me insane lately. For all of high school (we're sophmores) she's been acting like a total slut. In the last year and a halfshe's dated 4 or 5 different guys. When she was with her last boyfriend she cheated on him with this guy she's friends with but then never talked to that friend again. She was "friends with benefits" with this guy and she had sex with him like it was no big deal (keep in mind she's 15). Right now she jsut made a new "guy friend" and today I caught them making out. I saw it with my own eyes but she denied the whole thing and then later she got mad at me for not believing her when i saw them sucking face. For the last few days she's been ditching me to hang out with this guy friend of hers that she's known for a few weeks AT MOST. Whenever i hang out they totally forget I'm there. She's not even dating them but they still make out. She's not just boy crazy she's a total slut and it pisses me off. She's also a hypocrite because if i wear clothes that show of my body in a non slutty way she'll say "does your mom know you wore that to school" but if she wears something with her tits or ass hanging out and i tell her about it she says " oh yeah they are hanging out well i dont care" It's starting to really irritate me we've been friends since kindergarden and we've gone on vacations together and we have sleepovers like once a month and i trust her with the world but lately i don't know if i can deal with this especially if this isn't just a phase this is the kind of person she's going to become. i have a friend group that she used to hang out with but she doesn't anymore because one girl in the group doesn't want to be her friend and she doesn't feel welcome there. i have more fun eating lunch with them than following her and her "guy friend" around as a third wheel. i dont know what to do please help me or just give me advice on what i should do and how i should do it

[MrOracle]

Why this happens:

Usually as compensation for something:

- a lack of attention (guys will pay attention to her if they know they can get sex)
- lack of self-worth (sex is all she thinks she is valuable for, thus sex validates her)
- sexual abuse in her past (people often re-enact their abuse, hoping to learn to find a way to control it)
- a general lack of moral teachings from her parents, or absentee parents

What you can do about it: unfortunately, not much. All you can really do is take her aside, and tell her that you really care about her, and you feel like she is going down a dangerous road and you're afraid she's going to get hurt by it, in a more permanent way, before too long.

Ultimately, though, it's her life, and she'll live it the way she wants. I've lost some close friends to alcohol and drugs, and the pattern is much the same: they hang out with the wrong crowd and do what they want, and later, when the consequences arrive, they don't know what to do and only then do they figure out that they've driven all of their "help" away.

But you can't help someone until they're ready to accept your help. That's a HARD lesson to learn, because not everyone survives to get to the point where they are ready to accept help, and many others have to experience life-changing situations before they realize what they've done. Even if you can see those consequences coming from a mile away, you can't make them accept the reality if they don't want to. Sometimes, you have to let them get run over by the train.

[JohnScofield787]

People make choices. And those choices can be hurtful to others. In this case her choices are hurting you. So here is what I would do. I would sit her down and explain to her how and why you are feeling hurt. I would express to her your love and concern for her. Then I would tell her that you can't live that way or condone what she is doing. Finally you should give her a choice... she can either continue down the path she is on OR she can be the person and friend she has always been - if she continues down the path, you can't keep hanging out with her, but if she goes back to being her old self, you are going to love her and move forward.

What I am suggesting is not EASY... but it is truthful and fair. She is probably going to get very angry with you, and may say things like "YOU ARE JUDGING ME." If she does the answer is no, you are judging her actions not her... but you cannot condone her actions and you need to step away. Hopefully she will not go down this path, but she might.

So basically the choice you have to make is: do you just ignore and keep hanging around hoping she will change, do you man up and do something like the above, or do you just kind of lets things die quietly and move on.

I wish you well...

[Asker]

it's not as easy as you think if i try and talk to her about it she's think im calling her a slut or she'll find some way to get offended by it and then she'll get mad at me

[JohnScofield787]

You did not read what i said well then did you... I point blank said "What I am suggesting is not EASY..." Then i went on to say how she may accuse you of judging her with the implication that she is going to get mad at you. So two things - if you are going to ask the questions read the answers carefully. Otherwise don't waste someone's time. Secondly, you are angry at her, but you want to resolve this without her being angry back - there is no way to do that without just giving in or slinking away (i mentioned that too) but the broader point is... if you are going to interact with people, you need to understand you can't always please them. Life doesn't work that way... sometimes you piss people off.

[Asker]

yeah im sorry im just so heated right now by her and by everything that im not being as smart as i should

[JohnScofield787]

Yes I can understand that. You are very hurt. Take a breath and calm down. Think through what you want to do, and then you will feel better. I am sorry her choices are hurting you. That is the beauty and problem of people. They can bring great joy, or great heart ache.

[EvenstarOfRivendell]

First of all, can we get rid of the whole 'slut' thing? Sexuality is a social construct, and the more we buy into it and pit ourselves against other women, the more we're putting ourselves down. Her sex life is her sex life, and you shouldn't judge her for that. Do you consider the boys that walk around shirtless with their boxers hanging out sluts? We have this odd way of seeing promiscuity in women as an awful horrible thing, and promiscuity in men as normal. In fact, virginity in men is often criticized and made fun of! If she's ignoring you and making you feel unwelcome, than hang out with your other group of friends that you do like. But don't do it because she's sleeping with guys, because quite frankly, that's just rude. There's a difference between ditching her because she's not being a good friend, and ditching her because you don't like the way she carries herself. And if it's the latter, you really need to check yourself.

[Asker]

yes i do see the boys who walk around shirtless as sluts lol ok and maybe calling her a slut is wrong but basically she gives herself away and though it may be her sex life i get involved into it because her "sex life" often ruins the friendship between people who me and her are friends because she hooks up with them and then they dont want to hang out with us because they think she's easy and they feel uncomfortable so you may say her sex life is her sex life but because of her sex life we dont hang out with any of our old guy friends and our old guy friends dont like hanging with us and neither do their friends because all she wants to do is hook up and they dont like being that way

[EvenstarOfRivendell]

Well, the way I see it, if you want to hang out with your old guy friends and they don't want to hang out with her, then go hang out with them without her. I'm assuming you guys aren't attached at the waist. Just because she's your best friend doesn't mean you can't hang out with other people. And honestly, if they don't want to hook up with her, they can say no. All these guys you're talking about her being with are consenting. She's not forcing them into anything. If she is, that's where the problem is, but from what you've said, it seems like her male friends are just as willing as she is. You can hang out with other friends without her, and you can hang out with her separately. Just try not to judge her for her lifestyle choices, and look at the way she treats you instead.

[bubbletrouble]

I'm trying to figure out how that has anything to do with you.
She isn't harming anybody so just leave it be.
If you dont want to be friends with her, then tell her that.
Talking crap about her behind her back on the internet solves nothing.

[Drooogie4]

I had "friends' like that.
Her sex life is her business.. But the blowing you off for that isn't. You should confront her on it. That's not a friend

[Asker]

she involves me into her sex life in a way because she always talks about it and her sex life ends up causing conflicts and complications with people that me and her are friends with because she hooks up with our friends and then there's an awkwardness and then those friends dont want to hang out with us and neither do their friends because they feel uncomfortable or awkward around which causes me to lose my guy friends to because she can't keep her legs closed around them and i always feel like a third wheel when we hang out with those guy friends because she flirts and gets so touchy with them that you could easily mistake them for a boyfriend and girlfriend

[Tractorbeam]

You can't blame her for enjoying sex. That's only natural.
She's a slut if she's been cheating.

[Asker]

she's cheated on her boyfriend by having sex with one guy and kissing another guy

[diegoD]

join her in her thresomes

[baconandcheese]

You guys seem like really different people. You don't want to be associated with her because guys will think of you that way too ( and guys do not respect those types of girls). I would recommend that you find other friends to be closer with who are like you. I think you should tell your friend that she needs to stop but that could ruin your friendship. I know someone who was in a similar spot and she went and made new respectable friends.

[Asker]

it's hard to just find other friends because even though we're very different people we've been friends for as long as i can remember and i don't know someone who understands me as much as she does and i probably won't have anyother friend as close as i am to her and even if i do find new friends those friends have a best friend already and i'll never be as good friends with them as their other friends

[baconandcheese]

Don't completely ditch her. You can become close friends with someone if you have similar interests and personalities, time is not the only factor. Girls like your friend only get worse (in HS at least) she could get into other bad things later on. Hopefully she cools down so step away and let her get better.

[Mysterio421]

Buy cats for her on Christmas. It's gonna be a long way for her. Jk, just tell her and go from there. If she still doesn't listen leave her. She controls her life. People have to learn the hard way sometimes in life to understand and listen.

[eddzeeman]

You're just 2 different people. Find a group of friends with similarities between you. This girl sounds like she will drag you down.

[Slowliquid]

Hahaha, oh high school...

[Asker]

lol ikr im only a sophmore how tf am i gonna get through another 2 and a half years of this bs

[cth96190]

What you should do is ignore her and mind your own business. Her sex life is her business. It becomes your business only if or when she screws your boyfriend.

[Asker]

well it's becoming my business because she keeps ditching me to hang out with these guys or whenever we make plans to hang out she just invites these guys along and her and the guys ignore me which ends up ruining all our plans so yeah it's becoming my ybusiness because she involves me in her little games with all these guys and makes me third wheel and makes me hang out with her so she can hang out with these guys but tell her mom she's with me because her mom would never let her hang out with these boys alone which makes sense since on one ocassion i had to skip school to go get her some birth control pills because she couldnt ditch without getting caught and she said she's gonna have sex with or without the pills which left me no choice because IM A GOOD FRIEND and im not gonna let her make a stupid ass mistake and just try and resolve it with her "plan b contraception pill" which she doesn't have the money for or the access to planned parenthood to get