I realized that I'm asexual, and I'm really depressed. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Alright, so I'm a 28 year old man. I was in a few relationships in my early 20s, but I somehow never felt that connection or chemistry to have sex with them. At that point, I thought maybe I just wasn't sexually attracted to them, and didn't worry too much. Fast forward to the present day. I have never attempted to date in the past 4 years, because I was focusing on other priorities. I often feel attracted to women, but never in a sexual way. Also, although I find clothed women sexy, I actually get turned off by a naked female body. I have only seen naked bodies in the media, and never in person so I don't know if this is relevant. I do masturbate often (I get really hard erections), but that is usually by fantasizing about hot women who are clothed. And I also have the derive to love and be loved by a woman. But I have never felt the need to actually engage in sexual intercourse, which makes it obvious that I'm asexual. I knew about asexuality, but I never thought I would be asexual. I just believed that maybe I' was not yet ready for sex. This realization is killing me emotionally. I don't want to be alone all my life just because I can't have sex. I'm quite certain that no woman would want to date or marry me because sex is obviously a big part of a relationship for them. I feel so devastated. When I think logically, I do realize that asexuality is acquired by birth (just like bi, homo or heterosexuality), so it is not really a 'disease' I can cure. But I hate to think that I would be deprived of actually being with a woman because I don't want to have sex. Please help me out with some sound advice. And kindly refrain from making nasty comments to insult or humiliate me. Also, I'm not gay (because I have never felt even mild attraction towards men), so there really is no need to suggest that may be the case.

[Starsite]

I saw a documentry once about being asexual and the people in it seemed very happy with who they were. Some were in relationships and it was understood by both that sex wasn't important to them and they are okay with it. It's your life and I think you should be who you want, especially when it comes to the bedroom ( or not ). I wish I could remember the documentry name for you. I'm sure there are website communities that will have a forum of people who you could ask questions or just relate to, maybe give google a try...

I don't think you have to be alone just because you're asexual. Maybe if you explore support groups or asexual communities out there you could meet a woman who accepts and understands you and vice versa.

:)

[Asker]

If I can actually find a woman who is asexual AND is willing to be in a relationship with me, that would be the happiest moment of my life. Sometimes I still get a small ray of hope that I may not be asexual and I just haven't met the right women, but I know very well that I would only be kidding myself if I actually believed in those thoughts. :(

[Starsite]

You might find this site interesting... asexuality. org/en/topic/63686-romantic-asexual-couples-who-both-like-masturbate-still-dont-have-sex/

[Starsite]

Ps take out the spaces in the link, not sure why it's pastes like that.

[Starsite]

Found this too, but haven't seen it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrXWqwuOqIQ

[Asker]

Thank you for the link, I'll check it out.

[Starsite]

You're welcome :)

[KBob93]

There's many women who are asexual as well. And you can still have them wear pretty lingerie for you, massage each other, cuddle with each other. I used to be very afraid of male genitalia until I got over it. So I guess I had no desire for sex either, thus I know where you're coming from. But that allows you to see women in a light that doesn't require their sexual favors, and more amorous in the metaphysical way.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be depressed. I know it's not easy, I'm feeling the same right now.
You could join to some asexual community and maybe you will find a woman who's also asexual and loves you.
Yes, it's hard but it's not impossible to find someone who understands you and accepts you for who you are.
You should look at this website : https://www.asexuality.org/home/

[Mesonfielde]

Asexuals seem to make the odd assumption that just because you don't feel the craving to have sex with someone, you cannot have sex with them at all.

I don't really get that reasoning. In fact, there are asexuals who choose to have sex to fill in the "needs" of their partner either way. In fact, you can want to have sex with someone even if you don't feel the internal craving, especially if you don't even know what I mean by that...

But if you have never found anyone physically attractive just by a glance before, then your chances for being asexual are fairly high.

[Asker]

I have found a lot of women physically attractive, but never sexually attractive.

[Mesonfielde]

I don't understand what that means. To me, physical attraction IS their capability to induce sexual arousal just based on their looks.

[Asker]

I get you. But for me, I can have physical attraction (that is the need to hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle etc.) but never the need to indulge in actual sexual intercourse.

[Mesonfielde]

That's odd, people tend to make the distinction between romantic and sexual desires, but I think that they're a bit kidding themselves. Even for me, "sex" in its concept is just the ultimate form of kissing and cuddling. A type of affection display.

[Asker]

I know that it is odd. That's the reason why I'm still not completely sure whether I'm actually asexual, or simply haven't come across the right woman (which would make me demisexual).

[Mesonfielde]

Depends. I was really interested in sexual activity when my relationship got to that stage. Well technically that is not completely true, I was always a bit curious, but primarily because I'm anorgasmic I think as masturbation doesn't really do anything I just have a craving for it (worst of two worlds LOL) and do wonder if sex does anything different although it is highly unlikely. But with a specific person being the target of desire, it really was due to that the relationship got to the stage where I expected my partner to be okay with sexuality as a stage in the relationship. To me, it's important for me that I know that my partner is willing to have sex with me, it is a form of reciprocation.

[Asker]

I understand. So how will I ever come to know what my sexual orientation REALLY is?

[shessoheavy]

You do not need to worry about. If feel asexual now, than find. If you feel different later than that is fine to. I am asexual, and I am not just "waiting" for my "actual sexual orientation" to form.

[Mesonfielde]

Glad that helped, but what is your conclusion?

[Asker]

Can't say for sure until I'm actually able to find a woman who is willing to have sex with me.

[shessoheavy]

I am asexual. First of all calm down. Second, if you really makes any sense to you go to an asexual online community and talk about. It is not that safe to do it here. https://www.asexuality.org/en/

Let me know if you need anything else?

[Asker]

Thank you! Actually, I was convinced that I'm asexual. But after reading some responses here, I need to question it again. Quite confused, to be honest. I will definitely check out that forum.

[shessoheavy]

there is a lot of acephobia on this site, seriously go talk to asexual people about this. We are not recruiting, the ace community is a safe place to help figure yourself out. Let asexual people tell you their experiences, don't let non-asexual people tell you what they think an asexual's experiences should be!

[TrueblueInfantry]

If you were truly asexual, you wouldn't be worried about it. You wouldn't care. However, you do. Not asexual. Another pointer is that you do masturbate to women. Clothed or not, hey some women are sexy af with clothes on.

[Asker]

Well... that's a relief! But then, I suppose there is something about the actual act of sexual intercourse or female nudity which is messing up my mind.

[TrueblueInfantry]

It may be well be nerves that are messing with your head. I know when I first had sex, it was devastating. You may be one of those rare people these days that just isn't able to get aroused until you've found that one person you truly connect with.

[Asker]

I guess you're right. So I can be sure of things only if and when I actually get into a situation where I can have sex.

[TrueblueInfantry]

That would be my suggestion.

[zinithin]

"I do masturbate often"
You are artificially reducing your sex drive by masturbating. You are not asexual. Stop masturbating so fucking much and maybe you'd get horny enough to sleep with a woman.

[Asker]

Well... by 'often', I meant about two or three times a week. I don't suppose that is too much.

[shessoheavy]

This argument again. Sexual attraction and arousal are different things.

[zinithin]

If you already have a low sex drive, then you're Jerking it on top of it. You're lowering it even more. a·sex·u·al/āˈsekSH (əw) əl/ adjective without sexual feelings or associations. (of reproduction) not involving the fusion of gametes. noun a person who has no sexual feelings or desires. Masturbation, is a sexual feeling. You are not asexual. Asexual is someone who doesn't have any desire to do anything with their penis or vagina. You, masturbate. Asexual isn't someone who's not attracted to anyone, it's someone who has a non-existent sex drive by definition. For example, I could be attracted to a toaster, it's hot elements could turn me on, sexually. That would make me a sexual deviant, not an asexual. "but that is usually by fantasizing about hot women who are clothed." So if a woman was fully clothed, and had a slit for insertion. You would be attracted enough to have sex? You fantasize about women, which means you're attracted to women... or their clothes...

[zinithin]

"touching yourself as an act of solo-sex, for the purpose of climaxing and getting ‘high.’ This can create a dependency on self-touch, and turn into an addictive obsession. " A quote from a health practitioner. You have rewired your brain because of masturbation. You no longer associate a climax with the opposite sex. You probably weren't "born" that way, you most likely did it to yourself. Stop making excuses and saying you can't do anything about it, "I was born this way," is a cop out. It's like saying, "Oh well god did it," and then not trying to figure out how something works. It's a cop out, you're blaming something so it's not your own fault and saying there nothing I can do it. How can you change the nature of a man? By belief, by believing you can change you can change. Saying you were born that way means you can not change, and is self defeating.

[Asker]

I really appreciate your detailed response. But I guess my masturbation is not excessive at all. Twice or thrice a week is not too much I suppose, because I have come across men who masturbate daily and yet have active sex lives with their female partners. And regarding me being born that way... this is exactly the same debate about gay/bi people being born like that or not. I suppose it is true, because no one would really WANT to be gay or bi. Anyway that's just my opinion, and I REALLY hope that you're right and I'm not asexual. If and when I have sex for the first time, I'll definitely be grateful to you! :)

[zinithin]

"If and when I have sex for the first time." Lol, man. Masturbation vs a vagina is like Honda fit to a lamborghini. It's going to get you there, really fast hahaha.

[Asker]

Lol! Such a hilarious analogy! Now if I could just find myself a woman to date! Hehe!

[LovelySerene]

Don't be depressed, I used to be depressed before I made the realization that I'm asexual, but when I did, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. But finding another asexual is hard... it's tough, but you're not alone.

[Asker]

Thank you for your kind words! :)

[micheal727jovanie]

Don't beat yourself up about it. Sex is not the only reason we live.

[Asker]

I do understand that, but I do feel the need to love and be loved, like most humans. I just don't feel the need to have sex. So why would a woman want to be with me if I can't have sex with her, considering sex is an important part of the relationship for straight/bi/gay people?

[bubble_tea]

No need to be depressed about it.. just tell your woman you're saving yourself for marriage... and never proceed to propose. Problem solved :)

[Asker]

I don't suppose that would be the ethical thing to do. And even if I did, I can only do that until a certain. What would happen when I', 50+? This 'trick' won't work.

[Asker]

*until a certain age

[Blondiee2014]

Yeah but sexual feelings might arise once your with a certain female for a while.

[bubble_tea]

Contrary to what you believe, asexuals can have sex.. they just don't enjoy it as much as sexuals.

[Asker]

Is that so? Well... I don't know if that is possible for me, especially because the naked female body doesn't arouse me at all.

[Mesonfielde]

That is really harsh.

[bubble_tea]

Yeah, just think about those clothed hot women.

[Asker]

I know it is harsh, and I just hope I can somehow be 'magically' cured of asexuality and start enjoying sex like 'normal' humans. But of course, that's not possible. What have I done to deserve this 'punishment'?

[bubble_tea]

I didn't even know asexuals could have a crisis. I thought they are content with their sex life or lack thereof.

[Asker]

I'm content with my lack of sex, but I do feel other emotions like love, affection etc. and long for female companionship.

[bubble_tea]

new solution: long distance online relationship

[Asker]

Thank you! But then again, the relationship will be alive only until she eventually finds a straight man. Anyway, the nice lady below you pointed me towards an asexuality forum, and it contains a wealth of information to help me out. So I guess there is still some hope for me, but in different ways.

[Coolguy1928]

Dude, you're not asexual, it just means you don't like naked women, and you just don't seem to be interedted in sex. Asexual, is where you COMPLETELY don't have any attractions to ANY gender, not love, and not sexualy. YOU, still fantasize about hot women, and you still want to be loved by one, so that little fact PROVES you're not Asexual. So don't worry, you're not Asexual, you just have different tastes.

[Asker]

I guess you're right, and that's a relief. But if I don't like naked women or sex, how exactly do I HAVE sex?

[Coolguy1928]

You just don't. Maybe you have a bit of a problem, but it's nothing you can't fix. :)

[Asker]

That's exactly my point! Even if I'm not asexual, what use would that be if I'm unable to indulge in sexual intercourse? Like you said, maybe it is some minor issue and I may need to seek professional help to get it resolved.