My boyfriend won't let me initiate sex?

[Anonymous]

I got into a relationship with a guy who was much more experienced sexually than I. When we first started dating, I had had only one other sexual experience so I was basically a virgin. I was very intimidated by sex so he always took control and initiated everything. As the relationship grew, I gained more confidence and started to try to initiate the sex. He would make up some excuse why we shouldn't have sex right then and shut me down, but when he was ready, I had to be ready. However, he has complained in the past about how I never take any control. As a feminist and a sexual being at heart, I don't find this fair or right. He also won't talk to me about it. Every time I try, he gives me one word answers and changes the subject. Why does he do this and how do I talk to him about it?

[AustinMan]

It sounds to me like he's really uncomfortable in his role. I suggest you have a calm, direct, and matter of fact conversation with him over an intimate drink, away from the sex. Ask him how he feels about your sex life together. Assure him that you won't go psycho bitch. Tell him how much you love sex with him but that you're confused. He wants you to take control but when you try, he resists. Maybe he wants to initiate sex and then have you take control.

[gray_sailor]

There is possibly something else here too.

Sex has two parts: arousal & release

Having sex is release of course.

Are you doing anything at all to arouse him first? Or are you just making the assumption that:

"Since he is a man, of course he is already aroused so let's just get straight on to the sex. I don't see what the big deal is anyway."

[Asker]

No arousing him is how I start. Or at least try to. Then he says no and stops me.

[gray_sailor]

be more specific

[gray_sailor]

The fact that you are doing something he can say no to tells me that you misunderstand the very real distinction between arousal and release. If you are touching his penis or balls, even through clothing, you have jumped the gun. This is not an act of arousal. You are begining the release phase without having done anything remotely arousing. Trying to make his penis hard without first making him want sex with you feels to him like you are trea ting him like he's your dildo that you want to take to the bedroom and use on yourself. NOT sexy at all. That is why he is disinterested.

[gray_sailor]

There is something to your mention of your being a feminist. It's not a mark against, but rather an indication of a possible blind spot for you. Let me explain: For gay couples, the symmetry of the relationship permits either party to initiate sex. Similarly, the same symmetry is also present in lesbian couples and therefore, either party may initiate sex. For heterosexual couples, it is entirely normal for males to initiate sex. It is however quite impossible for the female to initiate sex. I could feel the earth begin to quake under my feet as I wrote that last statement. In today's world, women should be able to do anything they damn well set their mind to, right? Well, not when it comes to sex. You see, there is absolutely no possible, physical, way that you can fuck your boyfriend with his dick. What you CAN do is make yourself exceptionally available for him to initiate sex. AND You can arouse him so that he WANTS to have sex. He still initiates, you pick the time.

[Asker]

I don't remember saying I jump the gun and go straight for the dick. I know the difference between trying to make his dick hard and trying to fuck him off the bat. I start by kissing him and kissing his neck because I know thats what turns him on. However, as soon as I go for the neck kissing, he stops me.

[gray_sailor]

The dick grab maneuver is more of a metaphor here than a strict reference. You have still touched him prematurely. One thing you need to understand is that whenever he initiates sex, he is ALREADY AROUSED by the time you are touching him. Neck kisses feel great when you are already horny. They provide intimate physical contact that heightens pleasure, prolongs the experience, and provides the promise of release. In doing this, neck kisses help to maintain his arousal. Note that I said maintain. Neck kisses are not a turn on when starting from nothing. But wait you say, I used to do this to him all of the time what gives? The answer is that when your relationship was new, he was horny all the time. You never had to work for it. Until he is turned on, neck kisses (and any other sexual touch for that matter) will feel like a bad first date trying to cop a feel in the Olive Garden parking lot.

[gray_sailor]

The question then becomes: What do you need to do to turn him on. I don't know the specifics of what your boyfriends particular desires are, you'll have to figure that out by talking with him and by experimenting. I can tell you what I know about him that comes from the fact that we are both guys. MEN ARE VISUALLY STIMULATED I apologize for yelling there. I think women understand this in a narrow way. It helps to understand the attraction of p*rn and strip clubs and why guys pass their eyes over every woman they encounter. The broader understanding is that your naked body is your main tool for turning him on. You show him your nakedness (without any unsought touching -- after all, you don't touch strippers, p*rn stars or women in the street) and he WILL get turned on. Once he's turned on, then he will come up with the idea of fucking you all by himself.

[gray_sailor]

Nakedness should not be confined to the bedroom either. You two should shower together, it is a nice prelude to sex, a nice way to clean up after sex, and a way to keep his interest alive. You should also try having some naked time inserted into your daily life. Have you ever noticed that most erotic nude photographs whether art or p*rn depict the model OUTSIDE the bedroom? When women look at these pictures, all they see is pussy and boobs. You miss the context... that is often the hottest part of the whole thing. She is naked while: - preparing food - cleaning the house - doing laundry - washing the car - painting the livingroom - lounging by the pool - riding a bicycle - walking in the woods - sitting in a swing and on and on and on This is what your boyfriend means by you initiating. If you really wanted to fuck, why are you still wearing your clothes?

[Asker]

I understand where you're coming from. However, not only has he verbally expressed to me he wishes I would take control and try to engage sexual activity first, he has also verbally expressed (more recently) that me (or any other woman) taking control and "initiating" (however you may view the term) is a turn off. He would much rather me do nothing at all until he tells me I may. I think its a bit sexist of you to generalize that no woman understands how men work or that all women miss the point of nude photos. I fully understand the context and I see more than boobs and pussy and am an advocate for p*rn . That said, I do see your point, but I have not touching him as well and being visual and he ignores it. There was one instance in which he did not. And also, we do have sex all the time considering he is horny a majority of the time. But if I try to initiate a domino effect, he decides he doesn't want it, even if it was a pre-discussed matter.

[Asker]

By pre-discussed I mean we were out somewhere and he says, "I'm horny. Lets go home," with a wink, he says no when I do anything sex related first.

[gray_sailor]

I apologize for coming off as sexist, normally, I am more measured in my advice than that. There is a limitation to purely textual communication that is sometimes constraining. Sometimes I am provocative merely to induce a response from the person I am (attempting to be) communicating with. Doing so often inspires information rich replies. It appears that this has happened here. The actions of your boyfriend as you have spoken of them suggest to me that he is perhaps exploring the possibility of a Dom/sub relationship between you two. He is poking around the edges of it and adapting it as it suits his fancy. This may be nothing or it may be the prelude to a significant change in the dynamic of your relationship. A true Dom/sub relationship requires buy in from both parties. You will eventually find out if he is pursuing this avenue if only because he would need that buy in from you.

[gray_sailor]

In the case, where he is not seeking a Dom/sub remaking of your relationship, then his controlling behavior may be it's own answer. He is controlling merely because it suits him to be controlling. What remains to you then is to answer for yourself whether you are willing to tolerate / accept / embrace being controled.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like you and him have your roles reversed... men are always the ones who try and get shut down but HAVE to be ready when we say we are... He might have had to deal with that in other relationships and has decided to turn the tables.

If he knows you are a feminist, he could be trying to give you a taste of what it is like to be a male.

[tattooedhandfet]

He definitely wants you to be submissive. He sounds like a very sexually dominant man. Some women fit that bill. Could you accommodate him? That's the real question at hand...

[Asker]

I mean I don't want to be dominant all the time. I don't mind him taking that control all the time. But I feel like I should be able to when I want to without him shutting me down and making me feel insecure about it. Since I give in when I don't necessarily want to have sex at that time, then he should give me the same respect. I have no problem accommodating him if he accommodates me in return.

[tattooedhandfet]

Ok, now does he know that you have sex with him when you aren't necessarily feeling up to it?

[tattooedhandfet]

Because if he does then he's not being kind to you. That's a different type of submission one that should be able to be voiced and addressed.

[Asker]

He knows because I say I don't want to right now and then he keeps asking so eventually to make him shut up I say fine.

[tattooedhandfet]

Well that is not being true to yourself and he is not being fair to you as a person. I would talk about it and nip it in the bud soon rather than later.

[Climber]

If yiou are in a real relationship, you have the rigth to know why he won't let you take initiative. Maybe he is too macho?

[Asker]

That's a good point. Because he actually isn't very macho. So maybe in the bedroom he feels like he needs to be?

[thewanderingme]

he wants to be the dominate partner, always having you be the one to submit.

[kheserthorpe]

Sounds like he's an ass.

[zorro8888]

I don't see how feminism entered the sexual scenario but nonetheless he only wants to get his way. That shows you guys are not sexually compatible. You need to be with a guy who is at least a switch in the bedroom.

I don't think you can change his views, it's just who he is.

[Asker]

Part of feminism is sexual independence and freedom. Thanks for the input!

[zorro8888]

Lol I know there is independence in the term, I was mainly mentioning the fact that in sex people forget the social norms and morality of things. You're welcome :)

[WolfInSnow]

He's a dick.

[KDog1990]

Does he have a cute butt?