Sexuality

I can't fuck when there is love or emotions involved. What to tell my bf?

Anonymous
I went to a party a year ago and got drunk. I had to stay at the place of a friend of my current bf since he's pretty rich and has a big place. When we were at his place he straight out asked if I wanted to blow him, without acting nice to me or seductive at all! I said no. After he showered he just ran around naked to show off his penis and it was... big. Because I was dunk and stupid, I acted on it. I never thought that I would do such a thing and probably wouldn't when sober. It was the first time with someone I didn't love. Anyway, we fucked for 2 hours straight and it was the wildest most amazing session in my life.

A couple months later I got in a relationship with his friend, who before the incident already told me his feelings but I then didn't like him that way yet. Now i love him and he's a really nice guy for me, but sexually he doesn't do it for me. I keep fantasizing sexually about his fiend, but I really don't have any other feelings for him. I wanted to keep that incident from before a secret but his friend broke the promise and even bragged about it. Now my bf is hurt and he wants me to tell exactly what's up with me, what I feel and what I want. I really love him and sexually he pleases me as much as my exes. But I think that by fucking his friend, I discovered that I enjoy that type of casual wild sex better. I can't seem to enjoy sex as much with someone that loves and respects me. I sexually love it when it's naughty, emotionless and even a little degrading for me. I know it's fucked up but I guess that's how I feel. Maybe also the type of bad boy, alpha male does the trick for me. I'm just really confused about what to think about this, or tell my bf. Please give me some thoughts, anything could help. And yes, I know this doesn't sound good on my end.
I can't fuck when there is love or emotions involved. What to tell my bf?
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