Is this normal? Why does my boyfriend spank me not only on the butt but always in front between my legs. Then I am supposed to say Thank you?

[Anonymous]

Started dating this guy. We hit it off right away. I am a bit of a freak in the bedroom and like to be spanked. What happened after about a month of dating was the following: 1) one night he turned me over his knee, pulled up my dress, pulled down my panties and spanked me really hard. When he was done he looked at me and said "Now that is a good girl. Say Thank you William for spanking me" -- in utter disbelief I did. Then he said "Now go upstairs and take your bath like a good girl" 2) He likes to slap me on my girly private parts. If I flinch because it hurts or because I know it will hurt he hits it even harder. He will do this about 6 or 7 times until it is almost numb. I want to cry but I am not allowed to say NO or STOP 3) When sex is too rough or it hurts and because I am not allowed to say no or stop I will say something like "Can you take it easy" and he will say "You need to learn to take this like a woman" and he will do it even harder. Now........I did tell him I was a freak in the bedroom and I like to be dominated but I feel this is going over board or crossing a line. He tells me that I am the one and he has never met anyone like me and I believe it is because no woman on earth would tolerate this behavior. Is that why he finds me special. When I try to talk to him he tells me it's drama or that this is nothing but respectful behavior and working towards a long term relationship. It doesn't feel like it to me. And then when he goes home for a day or two. I hear nothing from him. Maybe a text before bed that says "How was your day" but nothing more. I don't feel loved, respected, or treasured. I think the reason he comes around is because I have become so submissive to him that he can now do what ever he wants. He likes to cause me pain and watch me push through it. Deep down my heart is breaking. I am a smart educated woman who has her shit together. But when it comes to relationships I'm fall short of common sense. Don't know what love is!

[AustinMan]

Sit him down over an intimate drink, away from the sex, and tell him you love that he's so dominant in the bedroom. Tell him that you are here to set your hard limits. This isn't drama, it's an ultimatum. Cross these lines without my express consent, we're done and there will be no second chances. If this isn't enough, he needs to go find a woman whose limits permit his other behavior.

Fist you need him to commit to honoring your safe word and tell him what it is. There will be no exceptions, period. Then tell him your safe word. You might also want to establish Mercy as you word to to tell him that you need a bit to adjust to the intensity and then he can go on, carefully. Mercy twice in a row means yu're a your limit.

If he won't commit to honoring those words, get up and walk out. Put his stuff on the porch and change the locks. I get where he's coming from and you're right to set limits. You're not his sexual punching bag.

I sort of doubt that this'll have the desired effect but if you want him around, this is the way I'd sugggest you go at it.

[Asker]

Already did this. I thougth we had everything understood minus the safe word. He asked me if I trusted him as far as where the limits lie. I said yes... A safe word is off limits. He has made that perfectly clear. He wanted to push my body to see how far it could go. I thought that was normal, healthy, fun, and erotic. UNTIL my body was hurting. Then when the word ouch came out of my mouth that is when he said "take it like a woman" you need to learn to "take it like a woman" -- after it was over with I asked if I could talk to him about what happened because it seemed like a line had been crossed and he said "I have no problem with what happened or what took place. I still have respect for you if that is what you are worried about" and then he asked me if I had insecurity issues or why I was always wanting to talk about "respect" and "boundaries" why couldn't I just let things be and not over think thigns.

[AustinMan]

This man is dangerous. NO self respecting Dom operates without safe words. I'd suggest telling him that if he can't collaborate as partners on this, you're out. That a safe word and honoring it are show stoppers.

[AustinMan]

But I suspect that you knew what I was going to say...

[Asker]

I am not over reacting or looking more into this then needs to be? He says that talking about issues like this or my concerns is nothing but drama and he doesn't want to listen to it. Am I being dramatic? If so I don't mean to be. I guess this is why i exploded yesterday. I have not been able to voice my concerns, fears, boundaries without coming off as dramatic or causing drama. I guess I just want to know that I didn't fail or do something that caused this kind of treatment. When he was nice he was super nice and I was a smitten kitten but when he was dominating I was a little fearful and made damn sure I didn't say No or Stop : ( --- after reading everything I have wrote I think I have answered my own questions. I am just a people pleaser. To a fault. I have the nice girl syndrome. I didn't want to do anything to disappoint him or make him mad to the point he would leave. But in the end I got so tired of it all, I left him!

[AustinMan]

He was literally using you as his sexual punching bag and cum receptacle. Leaving him was the right move. You're a people pleaser but not to the point of risking your health or your life. You were NOT being dramatic. You were being the adult. Here's the things: He isn't a true Dom. Doms understand and honor the concept that domination starts, AND ENDS, with the consent of the sub. Your guy didn't care about our consent. That makes him dangerous. You did the right thing.

[Asker]

Yes you and everyone else. Why am I feeling so bad for getting mad at him for not respecting me the way I need to be respected. Why do I feel that I did something wrong? This is a total mind fucking situation. I have never been more confused in my life. How did this happen? I truly feel like I have been put under a spell of some kind and that I will do whatver he wants to avoid be left to someone else. CRAZY!! I feel crazy lol

[Asker]

Thank you, very well put. and that really cleared things up for me. And that is exactly how I felt. My gut was screaming to run like hell. And I like the fact that I now know I can have both. and even a safe word like mentiong in another comment. My self esteem dropped to an all time low with him. That's when my friends and family started taking notice and was screaming at me to leave him. It hurt but I know I did the right thing. I just need to know where i went wrong so I don't get in this mess again. Being submissive is a great thing but in the hands of the wrong person it is dangerous. Like you said.

[AustinMan]

I would strongly suggest you find a good therapist and use this as a way to find a place where you can be comfortable with you.

[Asker]

Great advice!

[AustinMan]

Godspeed!!

[Asker]

I just want you to know he came back and I tried to do just this. Ask for boundaries. Holy Shit!! That started a war. That is NOT an option to him. He said that I the type of woman that cries rape and sends men to jail for fun/hobby WTF? I said OMG that's a harsh word and not one I used. Just trying to prevent future pain, confusion. I also asked for some emotional support I caught called crazy fruit loop and someone that needs to come with a warning label. Wow I can't belive it. Maybe I am the crazy one lol

[Anno_Domini]

@asker No, you are not crazy. He is!

[AustinMan]

I'm glad he came back and confirmed irrefutably that he is indeed evil and malicious. You needed to hear that to get on with things. I'm so sorry he put you through all that but now you know that he's the whack job, not you.

[Asker]

Yes! His reaction yesterday was scary to me. He asked me to "tell him what it is that is bothering me so much and what I need" and I said "I need to be able to speak and have a voice" "I need you to not ignore my text messages" "When you introduced me to your friend Renee and said, I never spelt with her just in case you were curious, made me think you did" "When you tell me to call you, you don't answer your phone and you tell me it's because you feel asleep. And you haven't been to bed before 3am in 6 weeks. Why when I call you at 10pm you fell asleep" "You had no job and no money so I helped you out for the month and you threw that back in my face saying that only crazy insecure women let a man move in and give them money" and then when I said "We need boundaries in the bedroom because I think sometimes you cross the line" and that is when he hung up on me and blew up my phone. Did I tell you he video taped us having sex and I didn't know it until about 10 minutes into it. : (

[AustinMan]

I didn't follow all the early part of your last message but I damn sure got the last part. Did you get the damn recording?

[Asker]

NO : ( it's on is phone with a password --- and now he is gone!!

[AustinMan]

You need to think through how you're going to respond if you're in a situation where the tape comes up, say a job interview or potential date

[Asker]

How would anyone know it was out on the web? How would he put it on the web? I would think as scared as he was about my response to his "abuse" he wouldn't do that? I could be wrong.

[AustinMan]

Putting it on the web is very simple and he could do it anonymously and associate your name with it. I don't necessarily see that happening but I think you need to give some thought to your response if it did. By thinking calmly about it now, you'll make a much better decision than if it's sprung on you.

[Asker]

I agree! Thank you for all the help

[kheserthorpe]

You know what the difference between bdsm and abuse is? Consent.

And he doesn't give a shit about it.

Dump him.

[Asker]

But I don't say anything... isn't that giving him consent? But I also don't say anything because I know it will be considered drama and he will leave. UGH Ok... that just hit me in the face. Either way I am in a lose lose relationship. There are parts I like and if there was a safe word or healthy boundaries it would be great but not being able to voice that makes it really hard. Then when I can't perform like he wants me to he is disappointed and then i feel bad.

[kheserthorpe]

His refusal to accept safe words and anger about talking about things outside of sex are not okay. Beyond those points, there are men out there who are dominant, who would find all the sexual things you mentioned hot, but also want warmth at other times, and to ensure you feel loved and cared for. you can have both, if that's what you like. With a safeword even.

[SolitaireBond]

I so glad to see that you openly admit to lacking common sense.

It would appear that this guy is some kind of a complete control freak.. Simply something I would never, ever tolerate.

If given your position I would have already told him in no uncertain terms what needed to change.. If he could comply with this then it would be.. GOODBYE.

[Asker]

He got the boot! He did not like my terms.

[lumos]

Yeah, dump him. It's not going to get better since he has pretty much already told you that he's not going to change, so you're better off finding someone who doesn't hurt you like this.
"He tells me that I am the one and he has never met anyone like me and I believe it is because no woman on earth would tolerate this behavior."
Spot on.

[Climber]

You are supposed to say thank you if you like it. If you don't like it, tell him straight. That's the only way it will work. A relation is based on equality, not on dominance (unless you like it in a play, but not for real).

[Asker]

Not an option... I have to like it lol

[musicbrain5]

Wow, this guy has really taken it too far. You're not allowed to say stop or no? What the fuck. That's messed up. It sounds like he is abusing you and disguising it as dominance. Get out of there and never talk to him again. A true dom will always allow you to say no and set up a safe word. This guy is just using you because you're a naive submissive. He doesn't love you, he's taking advantage of you.

[Rissyanne]

I would have knocked the hell out of him.

[Asker]

I need your kind of attitude. Instead... I become even more submissive and more fearful of him leaving. And I don't know why. I feel like I was a completely different person under his spell. I also knew that he would leave me if I didn't do what was required of me. UGH am I reading what I am writing?

[Cjanes]

It's kink and it probably won't change if u don't enjoy it u should leave the relationship

[TadCurious]

I have to believe that deep down inside you know you deserve better than to be treated that way. I hope you'll find the strength to either demand positive change from this guy you're with or the strength to move on.

[damionrain100]

I am an active participant in the bdsm community and have 6 years of experience being a "dom". Your boyfriend is pretending to be a dominant. HE IS NOT a dominant because after a good bdsm act, a TRUE "dom" would engage in after care. A real "dom" would set a safe word like "RED". He is just using you.

[Asker]

So my gut feeling was right. Thank you so much for clearing this up for me. I didn't think I was supposed to be left feeling like this. And have all this anxiety, confusion, and pain. What is after care if I may ask. Normally he just gets up, gets dressed and goes and sits in front of the TV or gets a beer and sits outside. Normally there is not "after care" or cuddling now that I think about it. GOSH... he was just using me wasn't he?

[damionrain100]

Your boyfriend makes me want to rip my hair off my head. After dominating my girlfriend using spanking, rope bondage, name calling, and choking, I would tell her to wait while I ran her a bath. I would then carry he to the bathroom and put her on the hot tub and go cook her a nice meal. I told her how great she was in bed. HOWEVER, I first established boundaries. I always asked her what would you never do? What is your safe word? YOU SHOULD NEVER feel scared or anxious unless you want to feel that way. My girlfriend also had a rape fantasy. In this instance after care and boundary setting becomes critical. If you don't set boundaries in this case such as saying a code word like "red" to mean stop then it may turn into real rape from her perspective. After care is checking up on you to make sure you feel alright after you "dom" has dominated you because LOGICALLY if you are not alright then you would not want to do it again. This means you dom does not get any pussy in the near future

[Asker]

ex-boyfriend... and thank you for clarifying this. Gosh, he did nothing of sorts. NOTHING! No wonder I feel the way I feel. If I told you more your head would probably explode. : ( This was just a use and abuse relationship. Lots of talk about respect but no love.

[Asker]

I mean no action not love. And... I tried and pushed for a safe word. Once he said "Yellow Carrot" and when I used it in bed he stopped and said "OMG you remembered that, you weren't supposed to that is why I made it two words."

[damionrain100]

Please don't stop doing bdsm because of this find a good "dom". Who has experience. I almost had an aneurysm due to your boyfriends sheer idiocy.

[Asker]

I won't but probably need some education in the area. I think I tjought I was in safe hands and let my guard down too soon. Thought this was normal

[Anpu23]

The line between play and abuse is the line of consent. If he won't stay in your consentual boundaries then he is abusing you. You need to set hard and soft limits, these need to be spoken about and he needs to agree to them. Set a safe word, that will stop the play immediately. if he won't play by these rules walk away.

[Asker]

I asked for a safe word. He doesn't want limitations. He wants to be in control and set the limits. Trust me I tried. And when it gets to the point where it hurts I am instructed to take it like a woman. Then when I do that I am called his "good girl." It just doesn't seem right to me. I am all about being submissive but isn't there respect involved? Or am I mixing the two? I get confused after he hurts me past my own comfort level.

[Anpu23]

Yes he's pushing beyond where you have consent. He's abusive, go and don't look back. There's plenty of Dommy men out there who would love to play you don't need his crap. Again tell him, either a WRITTEN contract laying out safe words or you leave. If he breaks the contract make sure he understands that you WILL press charges. Don't put up with this kind of crap.

[Anon1999]

That is not how a BDSM relationship is supposed to be. He is doing a horrible job as a lover and a human being. He is just using you for his pleasure and his actions prove he doesn't care for you the way he should. There should be a code word to stop the behavior and not the response of take it like a woman. What a sexist pig. Run not walk from this guy. He has zero respect for you.

[timon821]

If he isn't respecting your wishes then leave. I think he's only in it for the sex.

[Asker]

I think you are probably right... It didn't seem like that in the beginning. he doesn't have a job right now. And he doesn't have any money. I offered to let him stay at my house and I offered to help me out for awhile. Food, cigars, beer, etc. He stays up until 3am and sleeps until noon. Then drinks beer and smokes cigars all day. At first he really wined and dined me and treated me like a princess. Now it's more control. And he has no money. I think he wants to see how far he can push the limits. Or something. Like I said I am super confused about it all. I did exit the relationship just based on "ignoring my text and phones calls, silence" because I felt that if I am goign to allow you to "punish" me like you do and cross the boundary lines then the least you can do is pick up the phone when i call you, especially when you have instructed me to call you and return a text message. When we first start dated we would 300 text a day easy.

[timon821]

Is this a bit weird coming from a 13 yr old?

[Asker]

Ha! I didn't even see the age. Until now... BUT YES! Are 13 year olds on here?

[timon821]

I've seen a few

[murphchapter2]

he needs to control himself fu*king odd behavior

[Asker]

It really is odd behavior isn't it. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

[murphchapter2]

I would simply tell him that he should think about what he does before he does it and is it acceptable to him? Then if it doesn't stop dump him! cause his behavior will never change

[Asker]

I set the ground rules... that is why it ended yesterday. I told him being ignored, silence, etc. was unacceptable. Actually he pretty much told me to piss off and that i was being dramatic. I feel like a circus monkey lol and if I don't perform I don't get a banana in this case loving attention.

[murphchapter2]

well if you come by me I would promise that you I would give you all the attention that you ever ask for

[HoneyMan]

that is weird kinda of relationship... sorry but that is what i realized and i think you should leave this guy

[Asker]

I kept saying to myself... I can't put my finger on it. I just can't figure this all out. This doesn't seem right or feel right. Then we would have a good time and I would forget then he would something again that would hit my gut like a sledge hammer. Finaly I just had to get off the emotional/abusive roller coaster.

[elizabethnicole]

That's not a being Dom, that's just abuse. Run, don't walk, away. Doms respect your boundaries. Abusers don't.

[Asker]

Running...

[TurtlePotion102]

This post seems unnecessarly detailed... Just sayin... It could be cut down to like 2 or 3 sentences. Makes me wonder...

[Asker]

What are you wondering? Do share?

[TurtlePotion102]

Don't get me wrong, I am not accusing you of it. But this seems like the work of a troll. Much too detailed and far fetched. However, I know relationships can be like this. So that said, assuming that this is actually happening to you. Just kick him in the balls... I am sure you have considered that. After the first kick he will never want to do it again. And if he does, hurt him worse... You could easily take sexual control if you are really bothered by what he is doing.

[Asker]

I didn't take it wrong. Just felt the facts needed to be put out there so I could get honest opinions. Two or three sentences would not have been fair to judge the situation. And as much as I would like to think this is far fetched it is 100% true. reality and frankly I can't believe it. But it happened. I just ended the relationship yesterday after a huge argument over "silence" and ignoring my phone call. I know it seems petty BUT that was just the icing on the cake. I think I was ready to explode over anything at that point. I miss him because when he was nice he was super nice but when he was in a controlling mood. I just didn't know what was coming my way. And like I said no and stop only created a challange. Or so it seems/seemed. We had a talk about boundaries or so I thought. What really bothers me is when I tell him after wards how I felt and he will say something like "Why didn't say something" and I am like "I tried to but i can say no or stop"

[TurtlePotion102]

Oh wow. Well I am sorry to hear that. I personally enjoy being sexually dominated by girls, but yeah, sounds like he took it from sexual enjoyment, to sick enjoyment. From what I imagine him as, I am surprised that he "let" you break up with him. I guess this is easy for me to say, but when he took the sexual pain too far, you should have showed him that you can make it hurt even worse for him when he did that. Maybe it would have made him want to ease up. But I don't know, good job for getting away from all of it though =]