Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Caught husband cheating! What shall I do?

so I have been married for 3 years now, and am 25. My husband is 28. Let me start by saying I am really physically fit, tall and I attend the gym three times a week to keep a beautiful body. I love sex and am ready to experiment- we have had oral and anal sex, experienced different positions. So 2 weeks ago my husband left his facebook open on my phone, and received a message from a girl which said "You've got an email, please reply". I had never heard of her before, so I decided to check. In the evening I took my husband's laptop while he was having a shower, and was stunned to see what his email contained: nude images of the girl and him, a lot of explicit text regarding what they were planning to do in bed, and, to my shock, a couple of photos she took of him eating her out, to which he replied "I could lick that sweet pu**y of yours for hours. You got me, girl!". This killed me, totally! I figured out he has been cheating for 4 months. It had me completely devastated, but I haven't showed anything to him yet or spoken to him. I wanted to take some time to cool down and see what is best in this situation. It hurts that I still love him and I always thought we had the perfect relationship. What can be the reason he cheated? Shall I dump him? Any advice is really appreciated! Thanks
Updates:
+1 y
So he came home an hour ago. I sat him down and said I kind of felt weird the past couple of weeks and thought he had kind of changed. I asked if something was going on with him. He played it off by saying it was all workplace stress and I needn't worry. So I asked once again if there wasn't anything he wanted to tell me, and he told "Just that I've been missing you so much today". Gave me a kiss, went to take a shower again. Opened his laptop, there are new emails from her.. So lost!
+1 y
So I confronted him about the cheating early this morning before going to work. He burst in tears and was on his knees begging for forgiveness. I said I was leaving him and we were done, and left for work. I have received around 20 calls and 15 messages from him begging for us to talk and try to work it out. I haven't answered and think I can't face it right now, so before I decide to file for divorce or try counselling, I'll need some time on my own. THANKS FOR YOUR OPINIONS AND SUPPORT!
1 1

Most Helpful Girls

  • i think jumping the gun and throwing away 3 years of marriage over what is potentially just a screw up (a major fucking screw up) on his part is kind of silly.

    because of course you should talk to him! i'm sure it has nothing at all to do with dissatisfaction with your sex life or your body, in general.

    it could be for many other reasons? like maybe he feels inferior or something, or maybe he's really unhappy with how his work situation is? maybe he feels like he can't let go as much with you because he actually has feelings for you? maybe he wants someone that he doesn't romantically have feelings for to treat badly, to be rough with? maybe he's aromantic?

    people cheat for tonnes of different reasons. literally, it would be impossible to tell why he cheated without directly asking him.

    i think that you should confront him about it, but try and do it in a non-confrontational way? like, don't go up to him waving around her naked photos shouting "who dis be? WHO DIS BE? AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH?" or something, because he probably won't react well to it.

    and i assume your end-goal right now is to understand why he did what he did? so i think you should calmly sit down with him and have a calm conversation with him, about why he felt the need to be with another woman, and whether or not he has issues that he might need to work through.

    that's where you should start. a calm, really calm, really non-attacking, really diffused conversation with the guy. try and get everything out on the table. see if you can make a break through.

    and then, after you've done that, you'll have to take it from there. you'll have to decide if you can move past it, if it's something you even want to move past, and whether you two love each other enough to forgive and forget.

    that's way down the road though.

    but obviously, you shouldn't just dump him. you married him for a reason, and you've stayed married to him for 3 years for a reason. and it's kind of silly to just throw that away without trying your hardest to remedy the situation.

    all i can stress is that keeping a calm head is important important important. attacking leads to more attacking leads to more attacking leads to no resolution.

    good luck! sorry this happened to you.

    (sorry i rambled)

  • I was in a similar situation once. The reason I say similar is because he didn't physically cheat, I feel that he emotionally cheated and I feel they're both disgusting. It was back when my now husband and I were only dating for about a year. I was extremely upset and didn't cool down like you did. I dropped off things that he bought for me and then I left and texted him that it was over I wasn't going to play those games. He was defensive immediately. Which put me off even more, why are you attacking me like I'm the one who was talking to a bunch of girls about sex and how attractive they are? But long story short I went and talked to him that night after constant pleading. We cried and I went back to my apartment at college and just gave myself space from him for about a month. It helped me think about whether or not I could ever trust him again and if it was worth it. I do believe for some people it does make them stronger but I also know some others may judge that and say they could never be with that person again. But giving yourself the time to assess your life and where you want it to go really helps.

  • The reason he cheated isn't because of you.
    As you said you are attractive and open with him sexually.
    He cheated because he is a man that doesn't take commitment seriously.
    He loves variety.
    Even if you were the best looking woman on Earth (if that's even possible, he would have done the same thing).
    So, do not blame yourself.
    This isn't about you!
    I think you should talk to him about this.
    I think you should end it.

    It's one thing to CHEAT.
    It's another thing to continue to hide it.
    (Would he have ever confessed?)
    My issue wouldn't only be that he
    -committed an act of betrayal

    it would also be the fact that,
    -he felt the need to keep the lie (and wasn't absorbed by guilt).

    He would only be apologizing because he is sorry he got caught.
    How could a relationship stand on both betrayal, and up kept lies?

    • If he were to ever do that again,... how could you TRUST him to tell you the truth? That's an additional on top of the deception.

Most Helpful Guys

  • His cheating has nothing to do with you. Cheaters cheat because they are selfish and think they can get away with it. So please don't blame yourself.

    There are two options left to you. Either try and work it out or divorce him. It doesn't sound like you want a divorce, but I would still advise that you talk to a divorce lawyer so you can start building a case against him in case things get that bad. I wouldn't make any move until you talk to a divorce lawyer just in case something that sounds like good advice turns out to be bad advice.

    After talking to the lawyer and understanding your options, if you still want to work things out you are going to need to lay down the law. While I think this part makes sense, you need to make sure you follow the advise the lawyer gives you. He needs to make massive changes including making sure you have access to his phone or anything else that he could use to contact other women. Make him unlock his phone and hand over all of his passwords so you can collect every shred of evidence.

    You also need to know who this woman is and how they met. If they met at work, then he needs to find a new job. Also watch him as he contacts this woman one last time telling her it is over, that he is a married man and that he never wants to see her again. If he isn't willing to accept these very reasonable demands as he tries to re earn your trust then that is proof that he has no intention of atoning for his wrong doing.

    Don't be surprised if he tries to flip this on you. He will likely accuse you of all sorts of things such as invading his privacy and other such nonsense. That is a classic way of removing the blame from himself and onto the victim. Don't let him get to you. He is the one at fault for cheating. He is the one that chose to have an affair. If he had a problem with you it was his responsibility to act like an adult and talk to you about it.

    I would also advise you both to take an STD test and don't risk getting pregnant for now. You don't want him bringing some nasty virus home to you.

    • I agree completely!

    • THIS. ALL of this.

  • well let's be logical as we can her ok? every emotional response you have will be to get back at him or get away

    but go over some basic points about this

    1. unlike women if a man cheats it doesn't mean he is not still in love just means he wants sex with a different woman

    2. if you didn't notice any emotional changes in him in these three months it means he still loves you

    3. you don't have kids so this would be much less hard if you divorce

    4. if you stay it will be very hard for both of you

    5. the fault could partially be with you most likely not i have personally cheated 2 times before the first was due to my emotional and physical needs neglected the second was due to me just wanting sex

    6. the reasons for cheating are varied try researching the topic to see how men's mindsets are when it comes to cheating

    7. if you decide to stay also know that you will have a strong urge to "punish him" studies show the most likely time for cheating in a marriage for women are the first year and if the man cheats but if you cheat to "get back at him" it would probably destroy what little you had left so if you do stay you must truly forgive or your anger will destroy the marriage

    and also i'm really sorry that must be absolutely devestating talk to someone you trust

    • Dude. You are beyond stupid. How is it her fault he cheated? That's like saying an orange is the color orange because apples are red. DONT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. THERE IS NO REASON FOR A ANYONE TO CHEAT.

    • saying there is no reason to cheat is like saying there is no reason for murder or getting into a fight or eating fast food there are ALWAYS reasons to do something but it still makes it incredibly wrong and messed up when people cheat it's because of issues within the relationship studies show men have a higher chance of cheating if they are sexually unsatisfied and women have a higher chance if they are emotionally unsatisfied now of course i do not know the situation this woman is in with her relationship so i cannot say he could be cheating simply because he doesn't give a dam i do not know but i do know nobody cheats if THEY think it's a perfect relationship but that doesn't mean the other person thinks it's perfect also other people say how terrible it's since its been 4 months but the average fair last 2 YEARS so statistically she caught this one early

    • it's really dumb to say it is in NO way the other persons fault that's just what everyone says so they can feel better but it's bullshit life sucks nobody is perfect if she was absolutely perfect then i would agree in saying it's totally the guys fault

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What Girls & Guys Said

20 23

  • He cheated on you so yes you should absolutely leave him! If he can't be faithful to you then why stick around? He doesn't respect you or love if he was willing to do that so there's no use in clinging onto someone who isn't 100% invested and committed. He's a asshole sweety. I hope the worst karma onto him.

  • Wow!! What a blow. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would suggest that you find a god couple's counselor and maybe even spring it on him. Have him meet you there with some ruse that will work. Then tell him you're really unhappy. Once you're in the session, tell him you know he's having an affair and that you can't live with it continuing. That he has betrayed your trust and it will take a some time and real work to get it rebuilt. Then let him respond. If he denies it, bring the most damning photos, toss them on the table for all to see, and just sit back and wait. Silence is a great tool for getting the truth. It's really good, from a healing perspective, that he caught himself inflagrante delicto. There's no denying anything if you're face down in another woman's twat.

    I hope you're able to work it out. I think it's important to find out the source of his dissatisfaction. I doubt it's sexual but it's somehow led him to seek comfort elsewhere.

    • I agree with this. I was about to write something similar.

    • Thanks for your second of the ideas.

  • Sorry to hear he cheated on you, that's terrible. He obviously has no remorse about it. You're young, divorce him and move on with you life and find someone new. I don't like divorce, but if he's cheated on you then it's already over. I know it will be hard but living in an unhappy marriage will just make things worse.

    • Even the bible agrees with divorce over adultery.

  • He is a selfish asshole you doesn't respect you and the rituals of marriage that he swore to abide by. You should divorce him.

    • *he doesn't respect you

  • Divorce him and take him for all he is worth. Or. If he is begging forgiveness, make him suck a penis , take a picture as he is doing it, if he never strays again all is forgiven, if he gas another affair the picture is broadcast fir all to see.

  • I can't speak for you, but for me his next big surprise would be when he comes home and finds me, my belongings, and my share of the household goods GONE. His next surprise would be the divorce summons which would follow shortly.

  • Confront him, and most likely you should dump him, if he was disloyal now then he will most likely be disloyal later especially if he has been doing this for four months. It is also important to state that you should not get petty with this (like cheating on him to hurt him) since that really only effect you especially from a legal standpoint if you do divorce him.

  • I think it's time to tell him that you know he has been having an affair and divorce him. You're young, you haven't been married for that long, and he is an asshole. Some men are wired to be like that even if they are getting enough sex from their wives/girlfriends. It doesn't sound like he plans to tell you about the affair and is going to continue doing it.

  • You are needing to speak with him... oh my gosh. :( Ummmm do you want to break up with him? How do you feel?

  • Keep the proofs safe.

    Confront him if you must.

    Go to a lawyer.

    File for divorce if he did cheat.

    • Will you update? :)

  • It has been proven that some males and females who are okay with cheating, genetically lack the hormones that monogamous ones do. So they will always be fine with cheating till they get caught and weak willed cowards always beg for forgiveness. It is the noble ones that own up and accept their punishment without trying to get out of that too. Ask yourself if you are deserving of that type of relationship or do you deserve better.

    • Asking for forgiveness is a pretty tough thing to do if you really mean it.

    • Asking for forgiveness is not the same as begging like a child for fear of the consequences/punishment. Forgiveness should have been asked immediately not after you've been caught in a long existing affair. Excuses are the weak. Forgiveness is for those who MAN up, own up (before undeniable proof of getting caught), and acknowledge their wrongs and accept punishment and repentance. Lol cowards plead, cry, and beg to be forgiven and want a get out jail free card with quick, superficial fixes.

  • Sex is not the reason people cheat (usually)
    it comes from something being missing in the relationship. getting into a relationship with someone else is just the way it manifests and sex is the result. The problem is when someone is such a piece of shit that they cheat, instead of facing the issue and talking it through or going to therapy, there is not much you can do. once a cheater always a cheater.
    But ultimately it is up to you and him. You really need to face him. If he is willing to go to therapy, and your willing to keep him, then explore that.
    But how are you ever going to trust him again? you will always suspect him of cheating. and nobody wants to live life with someone that is constantly checking up on them and asking to account for their time.
    It is a shitty situation your in. Good Luck.

  • Contact a lawyer as you're filing for divorce and save the evidence, that way you can show it in court.

  • Throw his shit out and tape each and ever picture you found of him and that girl on each of them so he'll realize how fucked he is after being such a dick.

  • DUMP HIS ASS ASAP!!!

    such bullshit. Guys will cheat and say it's because they were bored at home. But even with a hot girl who puts in effort to stay looking good and experiments gets cheated on. WTFFF leave him please you can do soooo much better

  • he could just be a massive horn dog for reasons he cheated, or that he has no discipline, or he's just a douchebag, there could be many others.

    but 4 months of continuous cheating, im fucking audi 500.

  • Dump his sorry ass. Once a cheater always a cheater

  • If I were you, I would exposed him in front of our parents and dump him. No matter how much I love him. Because he cheated. And you couldn't be sure that he wouldn't cheat again. A leopard never change its spots. An unloyal guy will never be loyal if he ever cheated. It may be hard to dump him , but try. Unless you want to get hurt again. Darling, I'm sure you can do it. Stay strong and move on.

  • yes.. leave him.. you deserve better.. let him lick that B****..

  • Hell yeah you should dump his ass. You aound beatifull so it won't be hard for you to find somebody. Although, guys will be weary since you already diforced at 25. Why did you marry so young.

  • Show More (23)

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