Sexual Relationships
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Should I tell my boyfriend I was raped before we met?

I was raped twice in high school. It was awful at the time, I never reported it, and only a few very close friends knew about it. I know I haven't fully moved past it, and probably never will, but I do in some way feel like it's behind me. Where I want to keep it. I'm now in a serious relationship, and am wondering if this is something I should tell my SO about? Does he have a right to know? I never contracted any STD's from this. Im worried if I tell him he's going to freak out, treat md differently, pressure me to report it, tell my parents, the list goes on. But is it something I should share with the person I love?
Updates:
+1 y
If you were the boyfriend in this situation would you want to know? Would you feel hurt that she didn't tell you if you ended up finding out one day?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Your boyfriend certainly has a right to know, but only if you feel comfortable sharing that part of your past with him. You're not really obligated to fill him in on something so personal if you choose not to.

    He shouldn't freak out. It might actually help if he knows that part of your past, which will let him see that some of your behaviours/insecurities could be resulting from that. Otherwise, he could have found himself at fault.

    I had experiences similar to your own in my past. I never told a single person for various reasons. When I got with him, he'd call me on various things, like how come I had issues trusting him, and things along those lines. Eventually I just came clean. Told him everything that had happened. It felt great for me, almost like a weight off my shoulders to open up to someone about it. To get support from him even though it was almost 2 years after. It helped me feel closer to him, knowing such a personal thing. Also, I feel like he got a better understanding of why I act certain ways in various situations, as a result of those experiences in my past.

  • First of all, I'm so sorry that this happened. I have experience with this so I think I can help. You should only tell him if you feel comfortable, because if you force yourself it can be a really bad experience. I think that eventually, you should tell him but not because he needs to know, because you deserve to date someone who will be supportive and help you deal with this. Before you tell him about the rapes, tell him about your worries. Say "I need to tell you something but I'm worried it will change our relationship" or "please don't pressure me into reporting it". and then tell him. If he has a bad reaction, then he's an asshole and you deserve way better

  • You should definitely tell him about it. He might treat you differently.. or he might love you and feel even closer to you because you told him. It depends truly. I don't know the guy.

    I also don't know the statute of limitations in your state but some are 5-7 years so it might not be too late. If you don't want to report, you don't have to but I hope you don't regret your decision years later.

Most Helpful Guys

  • I think it's something you should tell him. I know the last thing you want is to remember that, but when you're with someone you not only want to know the good things in their life, you also wanna know the bad things, you wanna know that she trusts you enough to tell you about that.
    It won't matter if you don't tell him, but if you do it will be something positive (ironic, I know), something that will most likely strengthen the relationship.
    He may tell you about reporting it, but just tell him that you don't want to cause you don't want to remember that anymore.

    by the way, your parent's don't know?

    • No, I only told two close friends about it, and made them promise to never speak a word of it. If I had told my parents they would have made me report it and go to court and that just seemed like a nightmare having to re live all that, when a part of me just wanted to try to forget. Or at least pretend too. I find it very difficult to talk about, even my friends who know about it know not to bring it up because I generally shut down. By talking to my boyfriend about it, I know he's going to want to know everything that happened, on both occasions, and it seems impossible to do. But I can see where your coming from completely, which I guess is why I'm torn on what to do. I don't feel right keeping this from him. Chances are he might find out one day, and maybe even feel hurt or angry I never told him.

    • First of all, don't feel guilty for not saying it to him. It's tough to talk about, and only when you feel like it, you should tell him. It's not gonna be easy, but if one day you guys are talking and getting personal, I think you should say it. Tell him from the beginning that after you tell him, the topic is not gonna be brought up again, you moved on and you don't wanna remember it. Leave that clear to him. I'm 100% sure that if he truly likes you he will listen and respect the fact that you don't wanna talk about it anymore. Just tell him to listen and to not open his mouth about that.

  • Yes, you should tell him since it will very likely affect your sex life together. Find a good therapist who has experience working with victims of sexual abuse and you'll get past it with their help.

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What Girls & Guys Said

5 12

  • Yes, you should tell him.
    if he loves you truly he will support you through this.

    I'm sorry this happened to you.

  • That's something from your past that you can decide to bring up or not. Its your past. If he asks, don't lie. But that's something you should really only tell him if you're comfortable with and want to tell him, not because you feel obligated to talk about it. He has a right to know if he asks. But its not like it happened when he knew you, so its 100% based on how you feel about telling him.

  • The question is, is it something he NEEDS to know? That is up to you just how much you accept this to be part of your identity.

  • if it's a serious relationship u can tell them

  • i think that he deserves to know about it

  • No. Dont say. You also forget the past and move happily. All the best for your future

  • Sorry for that. Yes you should tell him just because he is closer to you than your friends. You're strong to get over it and move on. he should love you more 😊, and if he feels bad about, that means he is not your one

  • if your not ready then dont do it it was something horrible that happend to you and you will know if he is the right person to trust with this

  • If you think you want a long term serious relationship with him, you'll have to tell him. Even though it's in your past, it's always going to be a major part of who you are. For him, this is going to be a huge missing piece in the puzzle when he's trying to understand you. Not knowing will make things harder for both of you.

    You can never be sure how he'll react of course. It could be good or bad, but it'll be a landmark in determining whether it's the relationship you really want to be in.

  • Yes tell him and if he loves you he should support you and help you move on from this experience...

  • Tell him I would say. If you dont it will bother you more and more as things progress. If he is a decent guy he will understand if not, you deserve a better guy.

  • Yea, that's a potentially relationship impact experience. Better to get it out in the open rather than have it come up later at a really awkward time.

  • I think it is your choice to tell him if you feel comfortable telling him and trust him then good you should tell him he probably wouldn't treat you differently it is good to confine in someone

  • You probably should tell him eventually so he can help you recover

  • I think that if you trust him, and you see this relationship lasting, then its definitely a good idea. He can support you and help you move past it, which will also bring the two of you closer to each other.

    *I talk from experience*

  • If something like that happened to someone I was dating I would rather have them tell me. I think you should tell him because well if he really cares about you then he'll keep be there to comfort you from something that was well. Traumatizing. You should honestly probably tell him eventually at least. Maybe not right now. I can say for sure. Depends on how much you know him. Like what he's like if he's trustworthy. But remember to BE careful because remember if you don't really know him he could possibly turn that into blackmail material.

  • I told my boyfriend but I was raped about 2 months before I met him. And I still struggle with it now.
    It's the best thing I did. But it was my feelings and my choice.

    Go with your gut.

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