Has it ever happened to you that you found a person really pretty, but somehow you were not attracted to them sexually?

Because I think this is what my boyfriend feels. He always says how pretty I am and "how much he admires my beauty" but when it comes to sex I don't feel that he is too attracted to me.
First of all, I am the one who initiates sex most of the time, he hardly ever makes the first move, which deeply annoys me, because this way I can't feel myself pretty and attractive for him. I know that there is nothing wrong with it if a girls initiates sex sometimes. But not every time! I want to be seduced by him and I want to feel myself a woman. But this way I can't really feel that way. I have already spoken to him about this, but he didn't change anything.
Secondly, I am afraid that we don't have that so-called "chemistry" between us. I want sex to be wilder, rougher and more passionate. I want to know that he loves my body. But he always wants to take it slow and gentle, which is good, but for me it is too boring to have sex like this all the time. I told him to get a little bit wilder and more rough, but he said that he won't because he never does. He claimed that he liked to involve feelings in sex, as well. I do, too! But I want some passion, too. He doesn't seem to understand. I give him blowjobs every single time, that he really enjoys, but he never really does the same to me... He doesn't kiss my breasts either, even though it would turn me on really much.

My previous boyfriend always kissed me all over my body, and he didn't only say compliments about my looks, but his actions actually proved that he loved my body and was attracted to me.
So I came to the conclusion, that even if my boyfriend finds me pretty, he is not attracted to me sexually. Do you think I am right or am I misunderstanding him? Maybe we simply don't match? I guess he might have a different "style" of having sex, but somehow it can't really satisfy me. And I am afraid, I can't satisfy him either because of my different desires. Help me please! What could I do now? I feel I've tried everything. Shall I ignore my desires and just have sex the way he wants?

Updates:
+1 y
One more thing: I danced ballet and did rhytmic gymnastics since I was 4, so I'm petite. I have small boobs and small butt, but my butt isn't that bad because it's not flat. It's small, but round. But my boyfriend always says that I should gain weight because I'm "too skinny", which isn't true. I'm fit and healthy in my opinion. And my parents say that my weight is normal. He says that if I gained weight, maybe my boobs would get bigger, too... But I don't want that. I'm satisfied with my body..
+1 y
I am still confused. Yesterday we had sex 3 times and he initiated two of them, woow!!:)) And he kept saying that he "admires how beautiful, exotic and graceful I am." But other times he doesn't seem to be so into me! Now what? Now I have literally no idea what is going on!:(
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like a few things are going on with your "boyfriend."

    First, he's out of shape physically. I'm sure his BMI is greater than 20. I'm also sure that he wouldn't be able to last taking a dance class for two hours, or 45 minutes "running" on a treadmill. He's physically out of shape.

    As a result, this leads to performance anxiety, and anxiety about the quality of his erections (i. e., maintaining a quality erection in various positions).

    Second, because of that, he develops an "aversion" to even thinking about doing things sexually "for you." It's not necessarily the case that he's selfish or inconsiderate (although that's possible), but what's more likely is that his "anxiety" or "apprehensive expectation" about his lack of ability to sufficiently and satisfactorily perform motivate him to try to "avoid" not only the act of doing things "for you," but also the "thought" of doing things "for you" (because it would be emotionally unpleasant for him to think about wanting to do things for you, but feeling inadequate or incapable).

    Third, it seems like he lacks "ambition" and "drive" (i. e., low "libido"). Not necessarily low testosterone, although that might be a possibility. He's just not very naturally self-motivated - it sounds like - based on his sexual behavior.

    For that reason, it's not surprising that his brain is telling him that "thicker" women (i. e., lower energy level, lower libido, less sexually demanding or needy) are more attractive, and that he would "prefer" it if you would gain a little weight.

    The reason you have a healthy sexual appetite and desire is because you have a healthy energy level and level of physical fitness.

    It's not unreasonable for you to want the things you want.

    Guys like this don't realize that they're not really into "slow and soft." What they're really into is "low effort sex," and they would like to sugar-coat it as "I guess I just like sex the way 14 year old girls who read Twilight want sex." That's a convenient surface-level excuse, but it's not 100% emotionally honest.

    It's an "excuse."

    The solution is not in making up some emotional bullshit or excuse.

    The solution is in making an "effort."

    He has to make an effort. He has to take pride in being able to "know" that he is making you sexually happy and satisfied - on a "physical" and "sexual" level, not just on an "emotional" level.

    He either "is" that way, or isn't. If he's not motivated, you can't change him.

  • Hi Svetlana - Well, firstly whether or not you stay together depends on whether or not you love him. If you don't love him, then you're already one foot out the door! If you do love him, then it's worth fighting for, but NOT at the expense of your desires. That will become a major issue for you over time, and either you will stray and betray the person you love, or you will grow old and bitter! You also have a third option, which is to open up your relationship. Have you ever asked him what his sexual fantasies are? That might be a good place to start. If he has none, then I would suggest you're not compatible, for you are sexually adventurous and he is not, and that is not necessarily going to work in a healthy monogamous relationship. If he accepts that you need fulfilment in a way he cannot provide, then I suggest you speak to him about having a non-monogamous relationship and see how he feels about that. He may be supportive, he may not. If the former then maybe give that a try, but if the latter I'm afraid it's game over. Sexual fulfilment is just too important to sacrifice, in my humble opinion.
    Good luck! x

Most Helpful Girls

  • I really don't believe that your situation has anything to do with your body or any part of it. From your description I think it's just differences is sexual preferences. Some people you will share awesome sexual chemistry with, and some people you won't. When you share that chemistry, you'll often be on the same page as to how aggressive or soft the sex is. But when the chemistry is not there, well... it's just not there.

    I remember having a VERY cute boyfriend back in college. But he just "didn't do it for me". Whenever we made out, I was just going through the motions. Hence, we never did have sex. It had nothing to do with his looks though.

    It just sounds like you guys aren't a match. Don't fret about it. At your age, he will not be your last boyfriend (if you're smart).

  • Hm... I think its a conventual vs personal beauty, maybe your the type of pretty that everyone says is pretty in society (conventually attractive), but we are all individuals no matter what so maybe he finds something else more sexy?

    its like when i see a celebrity girls are obsessed with... I would rather look at them and go 'oh thats nice' but when i see someone i find attractive i want to jump them lol.

    Like this guy
    fashion.trendolizer.com/.../...300xauto-699234.jpg

    I would feel like he looks too plastic, i know crazy, but i find flaws or some type of human manliness sexy. I would rather some hairy guy with a slight dad bod. i know weird.

    • he can also be just be not good with words like someone said , some guys are like that ;p but if you feel that he doesn't find you as sexy as you want him too than you feel that way maybe talk about it

  • My boyfriend isn't good with words. I know he's attracted to me because he calls me gorgeous and when it comes to sex he usually initiates it. He doesn't kiss all over me but he does tease me a lot and once im wet we have sex. Sex with him is great. It feels good and he always cums. I think if your boyfriend orgasms then he is sexually attracted to you. He's just probably really shy to be kinky and rough in bed.

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What Girls & Guys Said

5 25
  • Yes. I feel that way about Joan Cusack. I'm madly in love with her, but not in a sexual way. I just want to be friends with her and hang out and go to lunch with her.

  • ALL the time!
    Consider those Seinfeld episodes where he always seems to find something about his current date that kills the deal... that's me
    and usually I go for the "wrong color" eyes for starters

  • Probably too much porn, and he can't get sexually attracted to you because you don't have big fake titts and a big fake ass. It happens. It's called porn addiction. Does he watch a lot of porn?

    • I know that he does watch porn and has photos of half naked women on his computer, but I have no idea how often he watched porn. :( Is there any way I could find it out?

    • *watches

    • You could, but it would involve snooping and you don't really want to do this. Naked pictured sounds pretty bad. Porn is one thing, but naked pictures somehow sound worse to me? I don't know. A little bit of porn is normal, but to me it sounds like he's become a bit desensitized to you because of it. It happens to lots of men and women. If you really love him, talk to him and don't be afraid to ask about the porn. If you're made to feel like you're walking on egg shells when you're asking about it, it' bad. Yu don't have to attack him, but approach him in a mature way about it. Then, you can go from there, and ask about your issue.

    • Show All
  • I gave a lot of tips for sexual behaviour and always very detailed (1000-2000 words) and very easy explained. But in this case all I can say is that you did what I would've told you, too. If you told him about this problem like you told us, and he still didn't change anything or gets back to his old behaviour, then you won't be able to get happy with him. You only live once and you definetly dont wanna waste your time with someone who just has 0 interest in pleasing you and doesn't care at all about your fantasys. I would Break up, this just doesn't fit. If he is getting mad at you for this, his behaviour is just inappropriate. Good luck!

  • didn't happen , but it could I suppose

  • Yes, you can find someone pretty and not be attracted to them sexually.

    I was dating a woman a year or so back, that wile pretty and I enjoyed being with her talking to her and doing things with her, I was just not attracted to her sexually and had no physical desire toward her.

    I have had a woman tell me, that same thing.

  • It's clear that you don't match. Nothing wrong with you, maybe nothing wrong with him but you aren't doing it for each other sexually.

    No, you should not ignore your desires. Why would you want to do that? He either has a low sex drive or you just aren't what he really wants. Find a guy who is totally hot for you.

  • This is gonna sound weird, but It is possible that he is watching porn (probably a lot of it). This is a big problem in modern society. Google "Nofap", you'll find a lot of info about this

  • Don't change your body at all, I believe you when you say your comfortable with yoursel pif and oyour a healthy weight. And yes this is dating which means the hunt to find the right guy for you, not find someone and make it work no matter what

    You guys are obviously not on the same page, now it's up to you if everything you said is worth enough to find it in another man or keep trying with your boyfriend. What do you think?

  • The older I get, that happens to me more and more often.

    To me, I find inner sexiness (as in self-confidence, vs sexy clothing and accessories), and personality, more important in lighting my fire than just a pretty face or good looking body.

    • Yes, it totallly happened to me...

  • Cute, pretty, beautiful and sexy are all different things, at least how I use them. And I do think that everyone uses them differently. Of course they can overlap too, but they don't have to. For example, children are just cute, but nothing else. Porn stars are sexy, but not cute, pretty or beautiful. Beautiful is generally the most valuable compliment because I think it should be reserved for that one special person.

  • Honestly.. Find a guy who's more sexual, i personally care for little else, its a problem some say, but quite frankly i just think i give in to my animalistic nature, which we all have. Sex is great, go out and get some.

  • Yes, it happens all the time. There are girls who are totally beautiful who for some reason just don't get my dick hard. By the same token, there are girls who aren't conventionally attractive who make me sweat. The girl who I'm with now would be maybe a 7 just on appearances, but she's a 10+ sexually because of her fitness level and her way of flirting and overall confidence.

    If y'all don't have it, you don't have it. It sucks, but it happens. If it's a dealbreaker, just try to stay friends without getting into a negative breakup.

  • tons of women I find pretty but im not attracted to them for some reason. they tend to be older women 25+ and I don't know they just don't have that youthful glow to them.

    • I also think when women get to their mid twenties they start looking like they are somebodies mom.

    • I mean 25 is still young bro. Why is it then men age better than women?

    • @fearlessbanana woman have a small window when their younge and at their sexyest (18-29). Men become sexyer at a later age since woman value different things in a man. Just how the world works.

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  • you'r body sounds just fine as it is. Don't go gaining weight just for him and spoiling your self. No guy is worth that and if he doesn't like it then replace him...

  • I mean I experience this with most good looking people but it just sounds like he has low libido or is awkward with sex. Is he very experienced?

    • Also it sounds like he's selfish in bed but that's not uncommon amongst men

    • He is 24 and very experienced. So that's why I don't really understand this whole thing... :(

  • Why did you break-up with the last person? If he was great and all?

    • Because we left Russia and moved to the USA

    • Does he watch nudes? Or you? If yes, than he is actually getting indifferent. An undesirable side-effect. People get less satisfaction with normal relations and indulge in fantasy. Saturation of the mind with images of people can cause people to become indifferent to sex-drive in appropriate terminology. And the next thing could be work burden.

  • More you watch porn less attracted i get to girls that are 5-7

  • It has happened a few times to me.

  • Yes. It's called a friend.

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