Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Love and sex are 2 completely different things to me. Is that normal?

I will start by admitting that I probably love sex more than the average girl. That or all the others are lying. I have been really in love 3 times, but I didn't feel sexually attracted to those guys, which is why the relationships ended pretty quickly. I do however feel sexually attracted to a lot of guys around me, everyday of the week, but never felt love for them. It's like love and sex are two things that have nothing to do with eachother to me. I have sex quite often and really enjoy it, but it's always with guys I have no feelings for. Sometimes I even think their assholes, but still the sex is great. I thought for a while that I'd best stay single and fuck around casually to get by. Maybe get a fuckbuddy I can trust. But of course, this got out of hand since guys really love to brag to their friends when they fucked me. Especially when you find out someone secretly to snaps while fucking you and shared it with the world, I knew this wasn't a good route either. So what should I do. I lost my hope for a relationship, I can't trust guys I want to have sex with, even guys I know, and I reaaaaly need sex from time to time. Just being honest about this. Any tips?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Yes, love and sex are two separate things...
    with one caveat...
    this is not universally true.

    That it is true for you points to an essential aspect of your sexuality that you have not had a name for.

    I am going to tell you this name:

    Sociosexual Orientation

    Right alongside gender, gender identity, gender presentation & sexual orientation there exists another dimention of normal sexual identity.

    Sociosexual Orientation describes a person's ability and predisposition to relate sexually with others. Like other dimentions of sexual identity, Sociosexual Orientation, once developed, remains constant over time. A person's Sociosexual Orientation identifies their placement on a spectrum between two extremes:
    - Sociosexually Restricted
    - Sociosexually Unrestricted.

    You are (apparently very) Sociosexually Unrestricted.

    Unrestricted people:
    - engage in casual sex
    - begin sexual activity at younger ages
    - initiate sexual activity earlier in a relationship
    - separate love and sex
    - have large numbers of sexual partners
    - are accepting of their partners number

    Restricted people:
    - limit sexual activity to relationships
    - don't separate love and sex
    - delay the onset of sexual activity
    - engage sexually later in relationships
    - have low numbers of sexual partners
    - require their partners to have the same views on love and sex that they hold

    What everyone needs to know about sociosexual orientation is this:
    1) know your own orientation
    2) only seek relationships with those of your same orientation.

    As far as your particular case is concerned, you need to find a partner with the same outlook as you. Perhaps an open relationship is a better fit for you with love in the relationship and sex outside of it. Finding a good fit for yourself in a romantic relationship with another person is a challenge for all of us. You just have to honestly assess your needs and seek what fulfills you. The right guy is the right guy for you. Be honest and patient in seeking him. Until then, enjoy your sex life.

    For the record, I am:
    - male
    - cis-gendered
    - masculine presenting
    - heterosexual
    - moderately sociosexually restricted

    I have had sex with 6 women in my life, and with the exception of a single one night stand, I've loved every one of them.

    Whatever you do, don't get into a romantic relationship with a man like me... your separation of love and sex would doom it from the beginning.

    • Some people that have responded to you have explained your approach to love and sexuality as being more the male approach than the female approach. That is a needlessly sexist perspective that is as much of a misrepresentation of me as it is of you. The current sociosexual orientation breakdown for the US is this: Males 57 % Unrestricted. 43 % Restricted Females 47 % Unestricted 53 % Restricted You see then, apparently half of women approach sex like men. At the same time, more than 4 out of 10 guys (guys like me) approach sex like women. I guess gender isn't as informative as some people think it is.

  • nothing wrong with being able to differentiate between love and sex. most people can't that is why there is killing in a jealous rage in the name of love. sex for the purpose of pleasure is not love it is using the bodies capacity for arousal and orgasm for fun and excitement. it can however be problematic due to the high incidence of assault during sex and the constant threat of diseases that will kill you. now to the love issue. when you can combine the feelings of sex with love the feelings are much more profound than those of orgasm alone. the brain is the largest and most active sex organ and if you do allow it to combine love and sex with someone special it is magical, powerful, and if you loose that connection it will be felt every time you have sex from then to life's end. the ability to detach sex and love provide the basis for the "open marriage". problem is, someone always falls in love and jealousy takes over ending the relationship. my best answer for when you need sex really bad is a good high power vibrator for the orgasm addiction and a big friendly dog for a companion

Most Helpful Girls

  • Love and sex are different things. but they can be related if you want them to be!
    One night stands happen because people want sex. Relationships happen because people want love- that is not to say that they cannot involve the other.
    It's okay to want sex. Actually, a lot of girls want a lot of sex, it's just that girls who like a lot of sex are made to feel bad about about it because of slut-shaming etc. It's okay to want lots of sex, it's okay not to want any sex. Anything that is legal and consenting is pretty much okay.
    Of course love can be expressed during sex and sex can be a way to show love! But also sometimes you just want love and no sex, or just want sex because you're horny. It's fine! You're normal!
    Don't let people/society make you feel bad about your sexual libido/desires, but likewise, appreciate that sex and relationships are often intertwined and that people often don't respect your views if you're female and like a lot of sex... Just my thoughts...

  • lol i really get this. i am not particularly the same but i could have sex and not develop deep feelings. But i dont like having sex with someone that feels like a virtual stranger so i usually need to develop a friendly-like 'relationship' for lack of a better word. The only thing that could hurt me in situations like that is my ego, but nothing else. If i sleep with a man that i had no feelings for, feelings won't magically appear over time because of sex. The only thing i become attached to is semi regular available sex with someone who already knows what i like. Not all girls have sex and immediately fall in love or become emotionally attached, honestly i am not sure any do, it is just most girls have sex with a guy they already like and if they do casual it is a one night stand situation that they feel embarassed about.

  • I'm the same way, thought I was the only girl out there like this. Wow. Awesome, see what I'm doing right now is not having sex at all. I hate it, but I was recently told that I'm a disgusting person and that I have self and greed issues. It sucks, because no one understands what its like as a WOMAN to want sex all the time but can't love the sex from the person they love. It ended my last relationship.. The sex wasn't good. I loved him but, sex was better and a lot more exciting when it wasn't with him I came to find out. So I had amazing sex 3 weeks ago and haven't since.. Because now I feel disgusting if I do, but I love sex so much its driving me crazy.. So, I don't really know lol.

  • i think it's normal. im veryhappily married and still feel that sex and love are unrelated. sex is purely a physcial thing. you can have amazing sex with a stranger and awkward sex with someone you actually care about. its not uncommon to feel that sex and love aren't related. you just gotta make sure you find other ways to show somebody you care about them.

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What Girls & Guys Said

5 29

  • You are one of the rare women whose brains work more-or-less like men's brains work when it comes to sex - you can separate sex from your emotions in a way that most women can't. Thus, many/most women won't be able to relate to you, and will call you a slut, etc. Most guys will, at the very least, understand your position (and as you found out, many will try to exploit it), but it will also make some guys uncomfortable, because your actions and thought-processes aren't very "female."

    • This is one of the dumbest comments ever. That's not how guys' brains work, that's how broken people who are afraid to form real relationships work.

  • Its sort of normal, however when you're inlove you want to please them and feel closer etc. (sex). It's okay to like sex as much as you say you do, relationships will come when they're meant to and when you're ready, yes a friends with benefits type of thing usually lasts for a bit if you both can control it, I had one and it worked out amazingly! x

  • You have a disconnect. I suspect that if you find a good therapist and work on the issue (it's clearly bothering you), you'll find a resolution quite quickly.

    • This. It is clearly unhealthy behaviour to have a disconnect between affection and sex and usually hints to something traumatic having happened in the development of sexuality or prior.

  • They are two separate things if you don't have feelings for the guy. But if your in a relationship and falling in love they become one in the same. If I'm falling for a guy the sex becomes completely different physically we are just much more intimate and your focusing on the other person.

  • I'm the same way. Find guys like me, and I imagine that such men would not be opposed to starting something serious eventually. Some guys don't wanna be don't wanna be players, but they don't necessarily want a girlfriend; they just want to someone to care about with whom they can have sex without the responsibilities associated with being a boyfriend (hitting up a girl on a regular basis, planning dates, executing dates, etc.)

    • Some guys don't wanna be players*

  • I agree most people don't know the diffirent so I'll explain
    Sex is simply about lust you have some fun with someone and then you leave, it's fun while it last but meaningless after.
    Love is the most amazing thing, it's full of passion and emotions, it's giving yourself to someone you truly care for a dn love, and after instead of you wanting to leave you wanna stay in each others arm.

    a lot of people have never made love so they won't know the difference.

  • You are 100% right. I think I am your age or so. There is a huge difference between sex and love. Yes they both result in great orgasms! But sometimes there is a place for just plain fun sex and then there is a place/time for love and more great sex. Your thoughts?

  • Thank you for your honesty. It's not an easy situation that you are in, I'll give you that.

    You need to stay open to the idea of a relationship. There will be someone for you out there he is just in hiding right now trying to get ready until the day he is supposed to meet you.

    As far as the sex, you need to control the situation. Like get naked in the living room and then move to the bedroom. If he is naked he can't snap photos of you guys having sex. (Where would he hide the camera?)

    I hope this helps a little bit. Let me know if you need to me to explain some more.

  • Sexuall attraction is what you make it. The short term sexuall desire you find for one man fades. It just depends in what you want. Sex or love? Sex can be great when you are in love, does it take effort, yes! Is it worth it, we'll that depends on what you are looking for. Long term, it's about what love brings into your life. Short term, it's what sex brings.

  • They are the same only if you have sex with people you are infatuated with and you actually like as a person, but clearly you don't actually apply that particular restriction on yourself. Deciding which route is superior is completely up to you.

  • It means you're slut. PM, I'm an asshole and I'm sure I'm your type.

  • I have a tip for you, lol. Just kidding. Love and sex are two separate things. Tbh I don't think you have actually been in love. If you were then the sexual connection would have been there too out it wouldn't matter because to me love trumps sex.

    As for being able to have casual sex it sounds like you associate with some assholes that are immature because decent guys don't brag and certainly don't take pics secretly to share with others.

  • Welcome to guy island. No, seriously, they are not the same thing, but what you are describing, if I understand you correctly, is different. You SEEM not to be attracted to men that you have feelings for. That's not the same as love and sex not being the same thing, that means that for you they are incompatible.

    If that's so, then your real problem is a fear of intimacy, and to deal with that you're going to need therapy to find out why you are rejecting love.

    Good luck

  • This is why casual sex is bad. You can't tell the difference. Sex to you has no meaning other then instant gratification.

  • Go in the clubs? Pick guys you don't know?

  • Just the tip?

  • Well, you're a typical woman. When it comes to men, you have alpha fucks, beta bux.

  • I'm not sure if I can give a very good tip, but I agree that love and sex are not the same thing! Absolutely!

  • I don't believe it is normal, but that. is how the media conditions us to think.

  • Yes they are different things but related to each other

  • Show More (14)

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