Found out my boyfriend has a fetlife acct and pictures of himself dressed inmy leather outfits and high heel boots?

I had permission to use his computer, I asked if i could log him out of accounts if he was logged in. Well I went to recent tabs to find a tab i had accidentally closed and I saw his fetlife login page, a porn video and a craigslist casual encounter page. I've never felt the need to snoop until that day and i did. I went to his recycle bin expecting to find pics of naked women but i found pics of him. Leather outfits, some mine, my thigh high 6 inch heels, my leather boyshorts, lots of ass and penis pics in various positions and outfits. It was disturbing to say the least. I told him about everything but seeing him in my clothes, he'll figure that out when he looks at his recycle bin. I explained what happened, he was really embarrassed but continued to lie and say he had no idea how the CL page got there and that he does not have a fetlife account. I called BS''T!! Here's the thing, i was upset by the personals and possible exchanging of pics and him possibly hooking up not about the fetish stuff or the porn, hell we share some kinky interssts. He's a guys guy so the crossdressing thing was a shock but hey let your flag fly! I am concerned he may be bi though, but I've read that straight men do dress up, but all the ass pics are just I don't know, makes one wonder. Anyway, this all just happened yesterday. I told him lying will kill us long before some fetish will. Was looking for a guy's perspective, obviously this is not something i want to share with anyone we know personally. Thanks!
Updates:
+1 y
We did have a calm rational conversation. I wasn't judgmental but yes i was pissed about the lying. But no yelling i just want to know honestly what it is we're dealing with here. Thanks its just so confusing.
+1 y
Things are ok, we're trying to work through it. Thanks!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I would have to agree that he may be closet bi. Unfortunately due to social stigma and likely history with former lovers going off on him about it, he is not likely to come out easily. You are absolutely right that lies will kill the relationship. The lies are however, a defensive mechanism that is undoubtedly deeply imbedded in his psyche and will require time and patience to work past. My wife had a similar defensive mechanism that we are still working on after over a decade together.

    The question that you will have to ask yourself is whether or not you can handle it if he is bi, or just a kinky cross dresser.

    • We have made a date to talk openly tonight. He confessed he is afraid his life will fall apart but I assured him he was safe with me, no judgement, no secrets of his will be shared with anyone we know. This has thrown me, but he has always been a loving partner. He assures me this was all fantasy and nothing was acted on, I'm still not sure about that but I am open to learning more about who he is. I'm still not sure if I can handle all of his apparent desires but all I can do is show up from a place of love, hope that he is being honest and listen to my instincts. I'm scared but I can imagine he is terrified. Thank you.

    • I would suggest finding out whether or not these fantasies are something that he wants to try acting out, and search your heart and soul to find out if you would be willing to be there for him if the time comes to test the reality of his fantasies. Before we got married, I made sure that my wife had the opportunity to see if it was anything more than fantasy for her. Her's have proven to be more than just fantasy, but we have figured out how to build it into our relationship, and I feel that our marriage is stronger for it. Of course, it helps that we also figured out that I am polyamorous before we got married, but we already had the relationship open for her before that. Take your time and learn together what you can and can NOT handle. Be honest with each other about your feelings - AT ALL TIMES. Please feel free to share this advise with him. And let him know that he is not alone in this. There are many others in similar situations.

    • And there are ways for you to role play some of his fantasies in the bedroom without involving others. Please feel free to message me if you would like anymore advise in this.

    • Show All
  • He's very embarrassed clearly and confronting a woman who's angry is intimidating to some men. If you can have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation with him, I suspect you'll get the truth and that you'll stay with him. Here's a link to a My Take I wrote that might help:

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10152-how-to-talk-to-your-so-about-sex

Most Helpful Girls

  • You have to approach him in a relaxed, non-confrontational way. He has to know you will be receptive to what he has to say, because his fear of repercussions is what has caused him to deny everything. Just let him know you're not there to judge at all, but you would like and respect if he were open and honest, from this point onwards.

    • That is exactly how I handled it, no judgement. I really don't care about anything except the lying at this point. We can't deal with any of it unless he chooses to be honest about having a fetlife account, which you need in order to see anything on that site. I had to create one so i could know what it was about and honestly i am fine w him having one. He also had to actually go to CL because that is not a pop up site. Until he admits to these there really isn't a point in trying to discuss the other more personal things that he may or may not be into. I have been really calm, i learned a long time ago that anger will get you nowhere when trying to communicate. Thank you!

    • No worries, I think it's a case of being a tad patient- it's a big deal for you, but it's also quite huge for him. Probably very scary. But you seem like a very caring and reasonable lady! Good luck, love.

  • He's lying out of embarrassment. Sit down and tell him you want to know EVERYTHING and then you can both work on enjoying such things together, but you need to know it all because anything that comes out of the woodwork down the road will look like a lie, a deception.

  • Wow. Speechless. I agree with you the lying is the worst. And if he's bi/hooking up that's a potential health risk to you! I've found porn things on my bf's computer but found a way to understand his interests. But this is risky behavior, for you both.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I am bisexual, so I will answer this and ironically I am a dominant on fetlife sometimes. I have been very active in the bdsm community but i have never dressed up or taken ass pics. I think your boyfriend might be bi because I don't know why he would be taking ass pics unless it was for men. That is typically a dead give away.

    • Thank you, yeah I can't help but feel like he may at least be curious.

    • @asker if these ass pics are of him bent over then there is no doubt.

    • Yep that's what I figured. Not really sure how to bring it up though. Wow. Its a lot to process. Thank you.

  • He just sounds like a crossdresser, that doesn't necessarily make him bisexual.
    Also having a fetlife account doesn't mean he's looking to cheat, he might just want to talk to people like him for a better understanding or feeling of acceptance since he felt he had to had this part of himself to you.