Sexual Relationships
+1 y

I don't like giving head... But I want this to change. How can I enjoy it more?

I guess I should start by saying that I love sex and I've been really lucky to have several wonderful partners with whom I've had great sexual chemistry. But I have never really enjoyed giving blow jobs. And it's not because I think penises are gross or that balls smell or anything like that. It's more that I get uncomfortable with the power dynamic because often the man is standing while I kneel, and this makes me feel like I am serving him and that we aren't equals, which is a turn off. And in popular culture, bjs are often presented as a demeaning act for the women because the man is often asserting domenance over the woman and this makes me feel uncomfortable too. But I don't want to feel this way! I actually love giving my partner sexual pleasure through hand jobs and sex and watching them cum is like THE BEST THING EVER! And I am bi so I've gone down on women before and loved it so I feel like I should enjoy going down on men too but that hasn't really been the case. And, on top of all of this, because blow jobs make me so uncomfortable, I try to avoid them so I'm way out of practice and suspect that I (pardon the pun) suck at it. Anyway, any advice you have to make blow jobs more enjoyable would be greatly appreciated! :)
0 0

Most Helpful Guys

  • Yeah, it's one of those things where it's all in how you think about it. It just goes to show how powerful the way we conceptualize things can be that it can suck the joy out of what should be a great experience.

    You're certainly not the only woman that feels like blowjobs are an act of subjugation. It seems to be pretty universal these days (as does the conceptualization of "vanilla" sexual acts as dominant or submissive, but I won't get into that) and to be fair, men are perpetuating that. But that's not how I feel about BJs and I think most guys don't feel the way either.

    Blowjobs aren't just about sexual pleasure, there's a lot of emotional stuff going on there too and men usually suck at talking about their feelings, especially if they're "unmanly". So we just clumsily pick a word like "dominance" to describe the experience and because men share similar experiences, when dominance is spoken of, other men can relate. Women can't, and instead must fall back to the literal meaning of the word and can only assume that men derive pleasure from asserting power over a woman.

    The reason men so often associate the word dominance with such intimate acts is no accident. You have to understand that as males we are born into a world where our value as people is entirely dependent on rank. We have no inherent value in our beings, we can only attain value or status insofar as we rank better than other men and this is the foundation of our self-esteem. We cannot love or cherish ourselves if we are at the bottom of the pecking order. For men dominance and self-esteem have become so closely associated that we make no distinction between them and this becomes a major problem when interacting with women.

    Fellatio is just as much an emotionally fulfilling experience for a man as cunnilingus is for a woman. Maybe even more so because it's not (or at least not supposed to be) something taken or earned but a freely given gift and men are starved for such experiences. It makes us feel loved, cherished, accepted and whole. These are words men generally don't have in their vocabulary. They're too soft. We're not permitted to express them, even in the freedom of our own head. The idea of dominance or inflating one's ego is somewhat of a defense that allows us to frame these experiences in ways that preserve our masculinity and invulnerability.

    Maybe knowing that helps? I could go on but I hit the character limit. Maybe I should write a myTake about it.

    • That's super interesting... I love how you explained that so openly. I have issues with the dominance thing as well and this has helped out it in a different light. You just earned a follow from me.

    • Thanks. I appreciate it.

  • Make giving BJs a more dominant experience. Make him lie down. Put your knees on his arms like your pinning him down and take control. Not only will it be sexy for him but it puts the power in your hands. No sex act is inherently dominant it's how one behaves during the act that makes it that way. I've found plenty of ways to go down on a girl and still give of an air of dominance (for her sake not mine I enjoy being submissive more). When I do it I tend to tease a lot. So it's not simply an act of me doing things to help her get off but rather me "controlling" how much pleasure I'm giving. That's the mentality I keep whenever I'm having sex with someone who likes feeling submissive. Generally speaking I hate it when guys act overly dominant during oral sex and girls that don't act a little assertive about oral sex often make me want to stop. Because you're right it does feel demeaning.

    • For the record I'm not a big BDSM kinda person I just take tips from different sexual styles.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Try to change your whole mind-set about what blow-jobs really mean.
    Don't look at giving head to the guy as something you do purely to get him to cum. Something that he enjoys purely because of the physical pleasure.

    Look at it more as something that he enjoys for the physical aspect, as well as the whole intimacy of you having his manhood in your mouth and trusting that you'll work to the best of your ability to make it enjoyable for him. Bonus if you agree to letting him cum in your mouth.
    I kid you not, my own boyfriend even told me that when I do that, or even just suck him off, it makes him feel accepted.

    Maybe you'll be able to enjoy it more if you think of it as more of a bonding type of thing, emotional as well as physical, not just your being on your knees and subservient to the man.

  • You love sex and you love pleasing your man… There you go! I LOVE giving my man a bj. Honestly it feels completely the opposite to me. I feel like I'm in control when I do it. It turns me on so much knowing and seeing how much he's loving it. Make it about YOU'RE control if it helps. Take him by surprise while you're hanging out on the couch. Start kissing his neck etc and straddle him. Then move down south. You are completely in control in that situation. If he tries to put his hand on the back of your head (which could definitely change the dynamic) just push it away gently. He will get the hint. :)

  • As I see it, there are two parts to a blow job. The first is the friction he feels as you run your tongue and lips on his cock, second is when he releases his seed. Set boundaries with him as to what you will allow. If you let him cum make sure to it he gives you a warning... maybe a light tap on the back of your head.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

Related Questions

If you had the power to snap your fingers and make something happen instantly what would it be?
HERPES! Did I do the right thing?
Why are men sexually insatiable?
Guys do you think your smooth when you look at our boobs? And girls how often do you see guys looking at your boobs?

What Girls & Guys Said

2 8

  • you can try different things and see if you find something you like. you can maybe try flavored lube and see if that helps at all. you can think about how much HE is enjoying it, and that will probably turn you on.

  • You could use this as a dominance act yourself. Forbid him to put a hand on you that could be considered controlling. From there you and only you set the pace that thing go , whether they progress or slow down. You dictate it all and how and when he receives his release. Had it performed like this and it was a whole new dynamic in oral sex

  • You have one of, if not the most, sensitive parts of the mans body in your mouth. You're in a higher position of power than he is, even if it seems like he has more power because he's standing over you.

  • you don't have to do it kneeling in front of him... why not try it laid together

  • Have him lay down while you practice on him, less dominant that way I think.

  • Have the guy lay down for you then so you don't feel below him
    Or there's the always popular 69 position ;)

  • Use enough saliva

  • How did you ever manage to get a bf?

  • My enjoyment at receiving BJ is not about power or subordination a girl at all. The way I want to receive them is reclining on my back, her kneeling between my legs as "therapist". As such, she, not i, is in control of the entire act down to when and if I will come. But she's not a dom. She is nurturing. But if you want to spice it up, finger him anally as orgasm approaches and see just how helpless a guy can become.

    • While not super keen on BJ's the way you described this is quite simply awesome, and makes me want to have one if given in that fashion. I'm not a dominant type of male either, and the thought of my partner giving me a nurturing BJ is an exiting thought. Great job. :-)

    • exciting rather than exiting ;-)

    • @Bvroon And a girl does not feel degraded this way. She feels empowered.

  • flavored condom?

Latest Questions

Did I sleep with too many guys?
Does sex actually feel different without a condom?
As a man, do you like giving anal? As a woman, do you like getting anal? How was your first anal experience? How did it feel?
Beside your own, who pussy or dick did you first touch? How did it feel? What was going on in your mind at that moment?
Home >  Sexual Relationships  > I don't like giving head... But I want this to change. How can I enjoy it more?