What to do when girlfriend denies sex often?

Question

My girlfriend and I are both 19, in the beginning of our relationship we had sex at least once a week. It has now dropped to a whopping once every 2 months if I am lucky. I understand sometimes she has legitimate reasons to deny me but other times the excuses are just stupid. I honestly feel a bit neglected and it has me wondering if she is even attracted to me anymore. It's damaging my ego in a way that it makes me not even want to try anymore or that I'm not even worth the sex.

I don't want sex for the 'feel good' although that is a benefit, but I just want to connect with her and be able to be intimate. I've had to initiate any and all intimacy in our relationship, and as a guy I get that for the majority I am supposed to but not all the time. I want to feel like she is attracted to me not like it's just some chore.

Some reasons she has denied me:

"I didn't shave"
"I'm too tired"
"My stomach hurts"
"My head hurts"
And the one she uses the most "I don't feel well"
or I don't get any answer at all

When I get upset about her denying me of sex she gets mad at me asking me why I'm acting weird. Of course I am going to get upset after being denied for weeks in a row on several occassions. But I get over it and move on. When I try to talk to her about it she gets mad at me for even talking about it. So communication isn't really an option for me. I feel neglected, I can feel my self starting to get more and more depressed with every denial. And she has no idea because everytime I try to express being distraught about it she gets upset with me and starts saying things that make me feel guilty.

So what exactly do I do here? I've tried to stop trying and she shows no signs of interest.

Do I hit the gym hard?
Do I act oblivious to her next time she 'sends me signs'?

Please help! The longer this goes on the more I think about it and the more questions enter my thought process. I'm starting to get anxious all the time and paranoid in thought.

Answer 1

Caramel_creme

Xper 6

If this is how it is now when you are only Girlfriend and Boyfriend, and at the age of 19 no less, it is not gonna get any better! I don't think there is anything wrong with either of you, it just seems like you two are not sexually compatible. Sorry to say...

Inspite of how you feel this relationship is not going to work. I think the best option is to break it off... if you don't you are just going to go deeper into depression, and this will make her unhappy too...

I have a Friend who is married, with a Daughter and is in your situation. He is freakin' miserable, and he doesn't even have the option of ending it, cos of the Daughter... For him the sex frequency plummeted the day they got married... Be thankful that you found out now, when you are young, and have your whole life and many relationships ahead of you.

I know your first love is hardest to leave. But trust me, you will find someone else you can love just as much or maybe more... You have to do the best for both You.

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3 People

Asker

+1 y
Thank you so much for your response. I dated this girl when I was 13 and fell in love from the moment I met her. We broke up and here we are 6 years later dating again and I am just as madly in love with her today as I was 6 years ago. I've tried other relationships and they didn't feel the same, I broke up with everyone else because they couldn't make me feel the way she makes me feel. I really am in love with this girl, I put forth everything I have in me to make her happy I really do. I just can't see why she is lacking in effort. She has been trying to get back with me every since we broke up for 6 years. She tells me she loves me and that she is in love with me, but I don't get the lack of intimacy.
Caramel_creme

+1 y
Have you watched or read 'The Great Gatsby.' I get the feeling that you have put her on a pedestal... It often happens when you fall in love so young... of course then, she can't do better than you. You see her through rose coloured glasses. You can't see her imperfections and her negative traits. Ofcourse then she can't do better than you. No one else worships her like you do... but i can bet you what you are feeling is temporary. It will wear off eventually when the honeymoon is over, and then you will be stuck in a miserable relationship.

Maybe it didn't work out for you with other girls cos you are still hung up on her...

I would suggest you guys take a break, reevaluate what you want from your relationship and whether you are right for each other...

Answer 2

Asker

Thank you so much for your response. I dated this girl when I was 13 and fell in love from the moment I met her. We broke up and here we are 6 years later dating again and I am just as madly in love with her today as I was 6 years ago. I've tried other relationships and they didn't feel the same, I broke up with everyone else because they couldn't make me feel the way she makes me feel. I really am in love with this girl, I put forth everything I have in me to make her happy I really do. I just can't see why she is lacking in effort. She has been trying to get back with me every since we broke up for 6 years. She tells me she loves me and that she is in love with me, but I don't get the lack of intimacy.

Answer 3

Caramel_creme

Have you watched or read 'The Great Gatsby.' I get the feeling that you have put her on a pedestal... It often happens when you fall in love so young... of course then, she can't do better than you. You see her through rose coloured glasses. You can't see her imperfections and her negative traits. Ofcourse then she can't do better than you. No one else worships her like you do... but i can bet you what you are feeling is temporary. It will wear off eventually when the honeymoon is over, and then you will be stuck in a miserable relationship.

Maybe it didn't work out for you with other girls cos you are still hung up on her...

I would suggest you guys take a break, reevaluate what you want from your relationship and whether you are right for each other...

Answer 4

Drooogie4 | 2.1K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

What you need to do is sit her down and talk about the root issue.

There's gotta be a reason for so little sex, especially at your age , and granted that you need eachother often and don't have any other real reasons to not be.

Ask her what's not doing it for her.

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Answer 5

mishiii

Xper 6

Something is wrong with your relationship as the frequency of sex
is too low to be anything else. You need to talk to her.

React

Asker

+1 y
I've tried! Believe me I have tried on multiple occassions. She either gets mad at me or she says things that make me feel guilty and cries. I can't win!
mishiii

+1 y
That is probably correct but I say repeatedly something is wrong. If she will tell you, it is your choice whether to continue this relationship

Answer 6

Asker

I've tried! Believe me I have tried on multiple occassions. She either gets mad at me or she says things that make me feel guilty and cries. I can't win!

Answer 7

mishiii

That is probably correct but I say repeatedly something is wrong. If she will tell you, it is your choice whether to continue this relationship

Answer 8

Tarvold | 1.9K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

You're 19.

One of the best and most important lessons you'll learn in life is how to never let yourself be in this situation.

Put your foot down, and tell it to her straight. You will be having sex within the next two weeks. Whether it's with her or not, is up to her.

And don't just threaten it. Carry it out and back up your words. This is what being a man is all about.

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4 People

Asker

+1 y
Honestly man, I don't think that is my character. Although I really appreciate your advice, I'm more of straightforward, honest, and humble guy. I don't over extend my reach and I don't like hurting others. I really don't know how to be 'mean'.
Tarvold

+1 y
You've got to realize that she's being mean to you. She is inflicting not only physical torture, but an emotional one too. You keep saying you are honest and straightforward, then what's more honest and straight forward than my suggestion?

You need sex to function. You tried talking to her, and it hasn't worked. Something needs to change. The situation needs to be resolved one way or another, and she is the one who has to make the decision which side she's on.

You are about to enter the prime of your life, don't waste it on a girl who doesn't appreciate and love you - all of you, for who you are.
Asker

+1 y
Thank you so much for your advice man. I really do need to think some things over and see what is the best way to approach this.
Show All Show Less
Tarvold

+1 y
ok... one final thing...

As an older guy, I can already see that your situation is a forgone conclusion. However, it is an important lesson in life, and in many ways, it's good that you are having to face it relatively early. Whatever decision you make, just do your best to not lose yourself in the process.

Don't allow her to turn you into somebody you're not and have to wake up one day completely unrecognizable. Remember that whatever feelings you have for her are just YOUR feelings. She may tell you whatever she tells you, but if her actions don't back it up, try not to buy into it.

It's going to be rough, mate. Once you've learnt this lesson, (and it may take you a few times), you'll be a much happier and better man at the other end. Good luck.
Asker

+1 y
Thank you man, I really hope I can figure something out and keep myself together. And I hope I can keep her too. But I can't see myself being happy like this. My friends my age get mad when they don't have sex for 3 days. I'm fine with once a month and I think that says something about my patience. But I can only have so much patience and put up with something like this for so long. Anyway, thanks man I'll keep you updated on anything that happens.
DBAOracle

+1 y
I wish I had the honor of you answering a question of mine when I was younger, kind sir.

That's one of the issues I had with the last girl I dated and I had to learn what you said the hard way.

Although,

"And don't just threaten it. Carry it out and back up your words." I would much rather he breaks up with her first before he goes to have sex with someone else.

Answer 9

Asker

Honestly man, I don't think that is my character. Although I really appreciate your advice, I'm more of straightforward, honest, and humble guy. I don't over extend my reach and I don't like hurting others. I really don't know how to be 'mean'.

Answer 10

Tarvold

You've got to realize that she's being mean to you. She is inflicting not only physical torture, but an emotional one too. You keep saying you are honest and straightforward, then what's more honest and straight forward than my suggestion?

You need sex to function. You tried talking to her, and it hasn't worked. Something needs to change. The situation needs to be resolved one way or another, and she is the one who has to make the decision which side she's on.

You are about to enter the prime of your life, don't waste it on a girl who doesn't appreciate and love you - all of you, for who you are.

Answer 11

Asker

Thank you so much for your advice man. I really do need to think some things over and see what is the best way to approach this.

Answer 12

Tarvold

ok... one final thing...

As an older guy, I can already see that your situation is a forgone conclusion. However, it is an important lesson in life, and in many ways, it's good that you are having to face it relatively early. Whatever decision you make, just do your best to not lose yourself in the process.

Don't allow her to turn you into somebody you're not and have to wake up one day completely unrecognizable. Remember that whatever feelings you have for her are just YOUR feelings. She may tell you whatever she tells you, but if her actions don't back it up, try not to buy into it.

It's going to be rough, mate. Once you've learnt this lesson, (and it may take you a few times), you'll be a much happier and better man at the other end. Good luck.

Answer 13

Asker

Thank you man, I really hope I can figure something out and keep myself together. And I hope I can keep her too. But I can't see myself being happy like this. My friends my age get mad when they don't have sex for 3 days. I'm fine with once a month and I think that says something about my patience. But I can only have so much patience and put up with something like this for so long. Anyway, thanks man I'll keep you updated on anything that happens.

Answer 14

DBAOracle

I wish I had the honor of you answering a question of mine when I was younger, kind sir.

That's one of the issues I had with the last girl I dated and I had to learn what you said the hard way.

Although,

"And don't just threaten it. Carry it out and back up your words." I would much rather he breaks up with her first before he goes to have sex with someone else.

Answer 15

eskimo

Xper 6

Why don't you try to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. These are difficult, but it sounds like you guys need to be honest with each other. Tell her that you are wondering if she doesn't like you any more or if there is something going on between you two. But also be prepared that she may really just don't feel like being with you any more...

React

2 People

Asker

+1 y
I don't think she is planning on leaving at least I hope not.. She has been very open with me lately giving me her phone password, telling me secrets and what-not. If she was planning on leaving I don't think she would share such things with me. But it's just the lack of intimacy that is really bothering me. I've tried talking to her but she gets mad at me for bringing it up. She starts saying things like "I've always been used for my body" and starts crying and makes me feel guilty. I just don't understand.
eskimo

+1 y
Has she ever been a victim of sexual assault of any kind? Have you ever asked her about why you used to have sex once a week to now almost never?
Do you guys still cuddle?
Asker

+1 y
Yes we cuddle quite often, but she has been in an abusive relationship in the past. But she knows I treat her like a princess and even admits that she would never be able to do as good as me. I treat her like a princess in every way that I can.
Show All Show Less
eskimo

+1 y
Abusive relationship still doesn't explain why the decrease in frequency... That's weird how she is so open about everything but doesn't really give you a good reason. Maybe she really just doesn't feel like having sex? Low sex drive? Not sure what else to tell you if you have already tried talking to her in the past with no success... :/
eskimo

+1 y
Have you ever tried creating the mood? LIke take her out somewhere fancy. Get a bit of alcohol... Get her something sexy... etc?
Asker

+1 y
Not being an a**hole here either but she doesn't like giving head either. But how can a 19 year old have low sex drive? I mean none of this really makes sense to me. I honestly feel like she just doesn't want to have sex anymore and that worries me. I really want to work things out with her and make her want to again. But I can't see myself being happy like this. I've never had this problem before and it honestly makes me feel insignificant. That I'm not good enough. It constantly puts doubts in my mind if she is cheating, she doesn't love me anymore, etc. My one friend gets mad if he doesn't have sex for 3 days and he is my age. Another one of my friends is the same way. I'm fine with once a month and I think that is saying something about how patient I am. But I only have so much patience and can only hold out for so long. When we do have sex it's great by the way, she orgasms multiple times. And that's what I don't understand.
eskimo

+1 y
How's the sex (for her)?
Asker

+1 y
She has an orgasm at least 3 times, so I would say it is quite good? I don't really know what defines good in sex.
eskimo

+1 y
That sounds pretty good. LOL

It's a difficult situation, and there are many reasons she may be acting this way. However, you won't find out why unless she tells you. But she isn't willing so there is really no point in pressuring her to. If you do, it will just make everything worse.

Given that you won't leave her even with no sex, this is what I would do... Next time she denies you of sex, just tell her something along these lines:
"I am not sure what's going on, but I love you no matter what. I want you to hear me out that I am frustrated with not being able to be intimate with you. But that doesn't matter because I love you for who you are and I want to be with you. If there is any reason behind this, I would love to hear it. But I understand that you may not want to share it right now or ever. I am okay with it, I just want you to know that I am here for you no matter what it is." And then just accept it for what it is...
eskimo

+1 y
But to be honest. I agree with @Tarvold. I think that leaving her is the best solution to everything. She isn't willing to have sex with you for whatever reason. You may be able to change it for some time if you threaten to leave, but that will just lead to resentment. If you continue to not have sex, you will just keep getting frustrated. Best way is to just find someone else buddy... :/

Answer 16

Asker

I don't think she is planning on leaving at least I hope not.. She has been very open with me lately giving me her phone password, telling me secrets and what-not. If she was planning on leaving I don't think she would share such things with me. But it's just the lack of intimacy that is really bothering me. I've tried talking to her but she gets mad at me for bringing it up. She starts saying things like "I've always been used for my body" and starts crying and makes me feel guilty. I just don't understand.

Answer 17

eskimo

Has she ever been a victim of sexual assault of any kind? Have you ever asked her about why you used to have sex once a week to now almost never?
Do you guys still cuddle?

Answer 18

Asker

Yes we cuddle quite often, but she has been in an abusive relationship in the past. But she knows I treat her like a princess and even admits that she would never be able to do as good as me. I treat her like a princess in every way that I can.

Answer 19

eskimo

Abusive relationship still doesn't explain why the decrease in frequency... That's weird how she is so open about everything but doesn't really give you a good reason. Maybe she really just doesn't feel like having sex? Low sex drive? Not sure what else to tell you if you have already tried talking to her in the past with no success... :/

Answer 20

eskimo

Have you ever tried creating the mood? LIke take her out somewhere fancy. Get a bit of alcohol... Get her something sexy... etc?

Answer 21

Asker

Not being an a**hole here either but she doesn't like giving head either. But how can a 19 year old have low sex drive? I mean none of this really makes sense to me. I honestly feel like she just doesn't want to have sex anymore and that worries me. I really want to work things out with her and make her want to again. But I can't see myself being happy like this. I've never had this problem before and it honestly makes me feel insignificant. That I'm not good enough. It constantly puts doubts in my mind if she is cheating, she doesn't love me anymore, etc. My one friend gets mad if he doesn't have sex for 3 days and he is my age. Another one of my friends is the same way. I'm fine with once a month and I think that is saying something about how patient I am. But I only have so much patience and can only hold out for so long. When we do have sex it's great by the way, she orgasms multiple times. And that's what I don't understand.

Answer 22

eskimo

How's the sex (for her)?

Answer 23

Asker

She has an orgasm at least 3 times, so I would say it is quite good? I don't really know what defines good in sex.

Answer 24

eskimo

That sounds pretty good. LOL

It's a difficult situation, and there are many reasons she may be acting this way. However, you won't find out why unless she tells you. But she isn't willing so there is really no point in pressuring her to. If you do, it will just make everything worse.

Given that you won't leave her even with no sex, this is what I would do... Next time she denies you of sex, just tell her something along these lines:
"I am not sure what's going on, but I love you no matter what. I want you to hear me out that I am frustrated with not being able to be intimate with you. But that doesn't matter because I love you for who you are and I want to be with you. If there is any reason behind this, I would love to hear it. But I understand that you may not want to share it right now or ever. I am okay with it, I just want you to know that I am here for you no matter what it is." And then just accept it for what it is...

Answer 25

eskimo

But to be honest. I agree with @Tarvold. I think that leaving her is the best solution to everything. She isn't willing to have sex with you for whatever reason. You may be able to change it for some time if you threaten to leave, but that will just lead to resentment. If you continue to not have sex, you will just keep getting frustrated. Best way is to just find someone else buddy... :/

Answer 26

Anonymous

Either she has a really low sex drive or you're not compatible. Reality is at 19, your odds of working in the long run if you're not sexually compatible are slim to none.

Heck I'd be surprised if I am not getting some action every day we actually spend time in private. Three days like that in a row and I'd be climbing the walls.

React

Answer 27

Anonymous

Dump her. This isn't a 'communication' issue.

Find someone who -wants- to have sex multiple times a week.

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Answer 28

ArtDent | 715 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 7

Find another person to have sex with.

React

1 Person

Asker

+1 y
I am a faithful partner. I don't play games, I'm very straightforward.
ArtDent

+1 y
I didn't tell you to cheat or to play games.
Asker

+1 y
I don't want to leave her though, I actually want to work things out with her and fix this issue.
Show All Show Less
ArtDent

+1 y
She doesn't love you

Answer 29

Asker

I am a faithful partner. I don't play games, I'm very straightforward.

Answer 30

ArtDent

I didn't tell you to cheat or to play games.

Answer 31

Asker

I don't want to leave her though, I actually want to work things out with her and fix this issue.

Answer 32

ArtDent

She doesn't love you

Answer 33

Anonymous

Dump the bitch

React

1 Person

Asker

+1 y
I love this girl with all of my heart man. That sounds a bit girly but it's true. She makes me feel ways that I've never felt before and I'm not willing to let that go just because of lack of sex. I'm willing to fix things with her but I just don't know where to start. I treat this girl like she is a princess, I just don't understand where the lack of effort is coming from on her end. It feels like I just have a companion and not a significant other because there is no intimacy.
Opinion Owner

+1 y
You're just another brainwashed feminist. Stop thinking with your dick.

She's manipulating you the classic way. Women are sick creatures who always play some mind games.

Be careful.
Asker

+1 y
So what you are suggesting is that this is some sort of power trip? How exactly do I break the pattern?
Show All Show Less
Opinion Owner

+1 y
Listen to the words long written down... read about the non-feminist and pre-feminist world
Asker

+1 y
What?
Caramel_creme

+1 y
Although OP has put it a bit harshly, I think he does have a point. It does seem like she is manipulating you. And you are being a door mat, which has gotten her to take you for granted...

As a woman when I am in a relationship, I am considerate to my man's needs, and I try to meet him at least halfway. I also get pleasure from knowing I have pleasured my man. That's the kind of 2 way relationship it should be...

Answer 34

Asker

I love this girl with all of my heart man. That sounds a bit girly but it's true. She makes me feel ways that I've never felt before and I'm not willing to let that go just because of lack of sex. I'm willing to fix things with her but I just don't know where to start. I treat this girl like she is a princess, I just don't understand where the lack of effort is coming from on her end. It feels like I just have a companion and not a significant other because there is no intimacy.

Answer 35

Opinion Owner

You're just another brainwashed feminist. Stop thinking with your dick.

She's manipulating you the classic way. Women are sick creatures who always play some mind games.

Be careful.

Answer 36

Asker

So what you are suggesting is that this is some sort of power trip? How exactly do I break the pattern?

Answer 37

Opinion Owner

Listen to the words long written down... read about the non-feminist and pre-feminist world

Answer 38

Asker

What?

Answer 39

Caramel_creme

Although OP has put it a bit harshly, I think he does have a point. It does seem like she is manipulating you. And you are being a door mat, which has gotten her to take you for granted...

As a woman when I am in a relationship, I am considerate to my man's needs, and I try to meet him at least halfway. I also get pleasure from knowing I have pleasured my man. That's the kind of 2 way relationship it should be...

What to do when girlfriend denies sex often?

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