Sexual Relationships
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Guys, Why has he pulled away from having sex with me?

First off he's my friends with benefits. We have been seeing eachother for about a year in a half and just recently he has been going through a really hard time in life and asked me if he can move in for a little while, until he gets back on his feet. I told him that it was fine, but now its been a month in a half and i feel like I've lost him completely. What started out with cuddles and laughter has become nothing but seperation. I want what we had back. i have no idea what went wrong. Now its just like were really really good friends we still share everything openly with eachother and he tells me he's just been really stressed out. which i understand, but i belive its more. he's pulled away from me sexually completely. When he moved in, i have to admit i screwed up by asking him to be my sperm donar. ( i figured we were so good with eachother that it would work out good even if weren't together, no drama) he said no and i was ok with that. We still had a connection tho. Then i scerewed up again about two weeks later by telling him i wanted more than just friends with benefits. But now i just want what we had before. Did i scare him off or am i just being paranoid? we still call eachother babe and he says as soon as he's not so stressed we will start having sex again, but i think i scared him off. We still kiss and make out but its not the same. How do i get things back to where they were?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Yes, HOW-TO with someone that does not communicate, other than "may I" and "no", as I read...
    I could give you a script to read and allow you to continue doing all the talking, which has not produced good results yet.
    Obviously, you don't want to sit down and confront the issues directly, perhaps b/c this has failed with this "tar baby" (ref. Uncle Remus)
    My last thought is to buy some groceries you know he's "expert"/best at preparing and set a date for home dinner/dance/conversation. During this, do nothing but lightly praise him, what you appreciate about him and long for those great times you miss so much. When he becomes engaged in all this, smiling, earnestly plead... HOW can we get back to those days, even w/o you actually moving out, I like you near me. How? Please ignore all those whims I threw at you... would be my subtle scripts you could use

    • Im not even in love with him or anything. And he knows im not.

  • Sex is complicated. You're trying to shove it back in the artificial "uncomplicated" box, but it has outgrown it.

    Move on or acknowledge the change. Sit down and discuss that it's no longer uncomplicated for you; you need an honest discussion about trajectory.

    It will never be what it was, so where 'should' you go? A relationship or an understanding that it's time to start considering different directions.

    If it helps? This is not about you trying to twist a relationship out of him, this is about preventing lasting harm to each other. Your arrangement (which usually is anything 'but' arranged) no longer fits where things are.

    • Any time i try and discuss it he says im crazy and that he's just stressed out thats it. He says when he's not so stressed we will have sex again. But yesterday when he tried i was on my period. And today I'm off now were back to square one again he says he's too tired. I'm thinking there's another woman.

    • And if there is another woman? You're only "friends" who have sex. You really have no say over his life or reason to expect him to look your way, right? By reason, you should be indifferent... But you're not, are you? Here's the deal... I read your other responses and you say you're not in love with him. Love that's worthy of a relationship isn't about riding a rush of hormones into the sunset of your lives. That kind of love is being content with that person. But don't ever confuse contentment with boredom. You're not really friends. Because friends communicate where you aren't. You sound like two people terrified of commitment and have refused to even allow feelings to grow. You've already lost your arrangement because it's not quite working for 'you'. It's a matter of time before it fully unravels. The other two roads are to call it quits now or the awkward path of a relationship. The last one takes time because you have no idea who you each really are in a relationship.

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What Guys Said

(6)

  • You pushed him away. friends with benefits is strictly that. That is why it's never good to do it because you catch feelings and want more then you end up losing what you had.

    You'll need to let time do its thing in this situation. Nothing you can do really to fix this any sooner.

    • Well thats the thing, im not in love with him.

    • There's one thing you MUST follow when you're friends with benefits, and that is do NOT in any way, shape, or form mention anything beyond that. You instantly broke that the moment you mentioned being more than that. You have basically ruined the whole friends with benefits thing with this guy.

  • Old saw says familiarity breeds contempt. Kick him out soonest and see if the sex starts backup.

  • You pushed him away by breaking the rules of being friends with benefits.
    Not only did you ask him to give you a baby but you said you were looking for more than friends with benefits... which shows you have stronger feelings. Add his stress levels on top of all of that, it's pretty obvious why he would be pulling away.

    • He knows im not in love with him amd the whole baby thing is a long story. He knows why i asked but it wasn't too tap him or was more like i felt comfortable with him and my times running out. It's not easy for me to have kids. Actually i probably can't have any period. So i at least wanted to try one time.

    • I didn't mention love, but you have feelings for him to go past simply being friends. Also time isn't running out, I know plenty of people who have kids after 30 unless it's due to another problem?

  • Seeing as you two are friends with benefits, I don't really see an issue from his point of view. He can suggest or decline sex whenever he feels like it. He is not in a relationship either, so in case he is seeking sex elsewhere or whatever the case be, it doesn't really concern you.

    I understand that you want to have sex more than him, but he clearly does not want it as much any more, or at this point at least.

  • Sounds like the man's life has totally fallen apart. Where did he live before? His ownplace?

    • He was roommate with ones of his friends. He lost his job but and had an issue with the landlord not sure what happened.

  • He got a STD...

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